Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

The we can only afford to send one not both situation is almost irrelevant in my opinion. The decision there is blatantly clear!

-DD is in a non crucial year, just started, other than ‘but she likes it’ or ‘but I want her to go there’ there’s absolutely no reason. Many private school families doesn’t even use use private primary as it is a bit of a waste of money. If you’re paying to live in a ‘nice’ area might as well use the blooming primary school!

Meanwhile DSS is in the crucial Alevel year, he is settled, he’s never known anything else and has spent at least 5+ years building his support and peer group. It would be HUGE to move him now! He shouldn’t be moved unless there is no other option and I think if they were both your bio kids you would see that. Imagine it was your DD in DSS position and your DH had gone off and married another woman who was prioritising her 5yo being in private reception over your DD finishing her a levels. You’d be livid!

On a separate note, why the hell are you private schooling any DC when you rent and have minimal security/assets (Basing this on you not being able to survive a year without selling your car)

You don’t sound at all in a position to be private schooling! You also don’t sound in a position to be renting a large property in a ‘nice’ area which makes little sense if you aren’t even reliant on the good state schools.

I’d be tempted to say downside your rental and stop paying to educate either child! Start saving and living within your means so you can either purchase a property or have a nest egg of ‘safety savings’!

Send your daughter to state primary and when step son finishes his schooling your daughter can then go.
Step son could transfer to a college for his A levels.

DSS is year 12. So many state sixth forms are very good as it’s only the kids who want to study who are still there. You rent and yet DH pays for private school! Seems madness to me, much better for the son to have his father in a more secure financial position

You can afford one but not both, so DSS should be allowed to finish then DD start afterwards.

Anything else would be incredibly selfish. DD will come to no harm in your local state for a few years.

First, you said that private school tuition was court ordered. Before you decide to pull DSD out of school berceuse you can’t afford, spend some money on a solicitor to tell you the consequences of defying the court order.

Then, if you are still considering it...

As a teacher - don’t pull DSS out of school in his final year. It I will screw up his education and quite possibly his relationship with his dad if he blames him for the move.

As a step parent - I understand wanting fairness and equality between the children. But this is not the way to achieve it. Fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair.

Yes to the previous poster, you're paying aa premium to maintain a certain lifestyle that you can't afford. So really you should consider:

• looking to downsize your property
• move to a cheaper area or the area next to your current area to save on rent
• ex wife getting a job to contribute 50% to her child's education
• look in to bursuries
• look into strengthening your own finances. What will happen if one of you are sick or made redundant?
• moving dd to the local primary

Private schools have funds for exactly these situations. No child of that age should have to move school.

If it makes you feel more positive OP why don’t you agree with DH that when you’ve taken the steps needed to reduce your lifestyle costs and actually live within your means, and you’ve hopefully managed to build some good savings.

Then you can allocate the amount you would have paid in private prep fees into a savings account for your DD. This way she is not long term losing out on anything DSS had. You can also review your situation when she’s ready to join first year at private secondary and hopefully put her in then.

A private secondary education and a £50k+ savings account (the minimum you’ll save on a non private prep education) will be a massively advantageous position for your DD. That would give her so much freedom post uni, a deposit on a home, the ability to move anywhere for work opportunities... she’ll appreciate that more than a private reception class.

This is a critical year for your dss I would avoid at all costs taking him out, your husband has committed to the fees, you need to find a way.

I too would have your dd start local state school, it makes no difference at reception age the children all learn phonics and reading regardless of where they are. Perhaps she can start in year three when there is a influx of normal children and that is when the learning really ramps up anyway.

Speak to the school and see if they can at least offer a reduction.

This is one of those times when you have to follow what has been agreed, yes a court order will be made for the fees and your husband will have to pay. You can't just opt out if it is a court order, and the idea that you don't have to pay is naive in the extreme.

To my mind there are certain times when you are making a 2 year commitment. y10&y11 and then y12&y13. It is totally unfair to let a child start y10 or y12 at any school (fee paying or not) unless you are committed to them staying for the whole 2 years.

I don’t understand why you need to downsize?

I’d just move the youngest kid to state school, and let the older finish it’s way more important at that age. When he finishes you can fhen reassess if you wish the younger to stay in state school or not.

Stop being selfish. You knew your DH had/has a responsibility to pay for his son to go to a private school.

Your SS already lost out doing his GCSE's because of this pandemic. His Yr 12 has already been greatly disrupted let his finish 1 more year at his school.

Your child doesn't need to be at a private school they are in reception it's not going to make any difference. Send your child to private school after your SS has finished school.

Just out of interest what are going to do when SS goes to university and your DH still pays something to help SS.

DSS finishing secondary would be critical academically and most sensible. Looking after his needs at the moment is key particularly as he could potentially become quite isolated with the national pandemic. Covid effecting teens deeply.

Your own children are clearly very young still and a private education isn’t important till they hit 8 or 9 years old. The first few years of education are play based anyway and actually making local friends will be important long term. A local state school would let you and your kids get to know your local community and make relationships.

DSS is in a critical year for his education. What happens now effects his future. Your kids are not in critical exam years. Your kids just need to play a lot, learn to enjoy books, have a stab at number bonds, make local friends, have steady parents who are interested in them.

He's in Yr 12 so there are only 4 more terms to fund and he is also at a critical stage in his education and to disrupt it mid 6th form is potentially catastrophic for his intellectual emotional and intellectual development and could have a huge detrimental impact on his future. The impact on a child at ore-prep would be marginal.

Speak to school although I doubt they will help on the basis of lifestyle rather than tragedy/extenuating circumstances.

I am at a loss to understand why your DC was sent to the private sector before DS had finished if you can only afford one set of fees.

This has nothing to do with ex wife working or not working, a great deal to do with a court order, the terms of which your dh is obliged to comply with notwithstanding critical illness or something like bankruptcy and a huge amount to do with moral decency. I am at a loss to comprehend how your dh can contemplate it.

I haven't read the full thread but assume you are working.

re Moving in the middle of A levels.

• different schools choose different boards with different syllabuses
• different schools teach stuff in different orders

The one thing in your favour would be that you can spend 3 years in the state system at 6th form if needed. So in theory it might be possible to 'restart' at a school/college next September. But I wouldn't count on DSS being very accepting of that idea.

To be fair it is thoroughly unreasonable to demand the older boy gets his education disrupted like this if your own kid can’t be privately educated at such a young age, it makes no difference at all. He can rejoin in year two if you want.

My friends pulled their kids out in year twelve, they had to, but the change was hugely damaging for them. Putting your kid into state reception and year one is not.

If your sick of “making sacrifices” can you articulate what you’re doing to financially increase the pot and improve your lifestyle?

Imagine being told that you are getting pulled out of school for your final and most important year by your father who placed his new daughter in a private pre School for the past, however long. It sounds like you want the best for your child but it shouldn’t come at the cost of his son’s education.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them? suffer? Seriously? Your child is not going to suffer for being pulled out of an over-priced private pre-prep (and yes, t that age it is madness to even think about it) in reception. It’s not even as if she’s there making friends etc they’re all learning from home.

The other child on the other hand is in a crucial year of his education. So what you actually mean is that because you can’t afford to send your child to private school he shouldn’t be allowed to go either. I suspect you would have had this attitude already, and that you massively stretched the finances to be able to afford to send your child and then discovered you couldn’t. If you had realised you couldn’t afford it at the outset I suspect you would have been demanding your DSS be pulled from private even though your child hadn’t started school yet.

Clearly the courts had valid reason for ordering this step. Does the father pay maintenance? Or are some of these school fees in lieu of maintenance per chance?

OP you really can't pull your stepchild out of private school now. They've got less than 2 years to go. Please don't disrupt their education. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices. If I were you I'd let them finish private school and then focus on getting a house deposit together.

I think all the adults involved should be getting together and discussing this, not least because it won't be as simple as you seem to think for dh to stop paying if there's a court order.

At y12 he is nearly finished, and tbh there isn't a huge amount of education benefit to private school in the very early years. I think your little one would be absolutely fine in the state system for a couple of years until DSS finishes secondary school and then DD can be switched back to private then. Research has shown that the most significant factors for education outcomes before the age of 7 is not school quality, resources or class size but just how engaged the parents are with education, how many books there are at home and the extent to which a love of books, reading and learning is embedded into the culture of the family unit. Without these factors your dd wouldn't make great progress even at the most exclusive private school. With these factors she will thrive even at a fairly disappointing school. Obviously that changes as the curriculum gets more advanced but by the time it becomes important to move her it won't be a problem.

Whereas pulling your DSS out of his existing school in y12, assuming he is settled and ok there (I wouldn't say "happy" as not many y12s would say they are "happy" at school) would be a monumentally awful thing to do.

One question, do you work?

A normal primary school is fine for young children. Private is a waste of money completely. Its secondary school that makes the difference. We all went to private boarding schools and quite honestly Id rather have gone to a state school with my friends.

YABVU. Why on earth did you send your DC to private prep when your finances were so precarious???!