Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I do understand how unfair it feels to you. However, moving your DSS at this point, particularly given current circumstances, would be hugely detrimental to him. I moved mine to a sixth form college this year after GCSEs as I didn't know if I could fund both years. I did apply for a bursary but the offer was still unaffordable.

With regards to asking school for help, you've probably missed the school's cut off point for help this year and any mechanisms to offer support quickly will be based on sudden changes to earnings. Also, school will want full disclosure of both households income and will assess on that basis, regardless of who has taken on the responsibility of school fees. Many private schools now use an independent bursary assessment company which will visit each home (to assess the accuracy of financial disclosure). However, school might be amenable to spreading fees over a longer period.

I can’t wrap my head around why you sent your reception age child to a private school when you knew you were renting and struggling to afford it?

He’s only got one year left. It would be horrible and destructive to move him now. For the sake of a year I’d make the sacrifice. Sell a car or something.

@lyralalala

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

@DecemberSun They're suggesting she get a job to send her DD to private school.

Not remotely ridiculous.

Never mind to send her dc to private school, how about getting a job to provide a stable home before even thinking about throwing money at private education at primary age!

Is this a reverse?

I keep reading back this comment I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them? and keep thinking that nobody is dim enough to compare the education of a Y12 to a pre prep age child. Especially not at this stage in the year and after all of the disruption the Y12 has suffered in the last 12 months.

Surely not?

Regardless of state or private, it's far too disruptive to move a child in the middle of their a-levels. If it is at all possible, your dss needs to stay where he is.

I think your mistake was sending your younger dc to a private school when you were already committed to paying for dss and you clearly couldn't afford to sustain two sets of private school fees in the longer term. However, your younger dc is still little and will adapt easily to a new environment.

Taking them both of them out isn't treating them fairly because the impact isn't comparable.

@FolkSongSweet

OP seems to have disappeared. Obviously you need to keep DSS in his school, even if that means moving your own child. It’s a no brainer.

Considering she was replying at 0327, I'd expect she's still asleep rather than ignoring it.

I'm sorry you're anxious OP but really? You would pull DSS out in exam year so your own DC can continue private primary school? I know you can't be fast forwarded ten years to really understand the implications of what you're suggesting but this is quite outrageous, step child or not. They're both your DH children FFS

I don't agree the solution could ever be withdraw your dss in his last year, while allowing your very young child to remain.

If your decision is to pull him out at such a crucial time because of finances , then it would be incredibly unreasonable for you to then aknowledge that the money is there and then use that money to send his step sibling to private school.

Why is your youngest even in private school? There’s no different in state and private primary systems.

Pull your youngest out and into state school, leave DSS in his current school to finish off secondary.

It’s not about ‘if the children’s are going to suffer it should be all of them’. They’re different ages with different needs and frankly I’m a bit shocked you don’t see that.

DSS in yr 12 absolutely takes priority over a child in infant school.

However, your DH needs to speak to ex-W and explain his financial situation. She could get a job in tesco for a year to help out. OP you say you would have to move to sustain this, and that initially sounds unreasonable, but are you in a larger house than you need?

Has your DH approached DS's school to explain the situation? Are there any grandparents that would be able to make payment for the final year?

Downsize the house, cheaper area, council school for the 4yo. Pay the last year for DSS / speak with school and ask for help and start saving for your own house.

Absolutely ridiculous to suggest they move house. OP is sacrificing enough already. Madness to suggest she moves to a cheaper, nastier home just to keep her husband's son in private school.

First wives' club out in force today.

You and your DD should not have to move home. Put your foot down and refuse. I'm sickened that there are people here who think that's acceptable.

In normal times it would be awful to pull a child out of school in year 12, there is very little chance of him finding a sixth form offering the same subjects who are at the same point in the curriculum as the school he is in.

During this shitshow of a year it would be even worse. Your husband could contact the school and talk about a payment plan for the next two school years or ask about a bursary if the pandemic is the cause of financial hardship. They do look at your accounts though and won't help if the reason your DH can't afford the fees is because he started paying for a younger child at another school-though if they are both in the same school 3-18 that might go in your favour.

I would seriously reconsider your options with your own child, independent school is such a massive commitment and you are scraping by as it is. You need some financial security and fees only ever go up.

I really feel for you, but the solution isn't disrupting a teenagers A-Levels.

My best friend was moved from a private school to the state system after she’d started a-levels.

She couldn’t do all the same subjects, due to timetabling.

The exam boards were different, so she’d learnt stuff that was not relevant and was behind on the things she needed to know.

She’s an extremely intelligent, hard working woman who was expected to get straight A’s at her private school and was applying to oxbridge.

Following all the disruption to her studies she got three Bs and went to a redbrick uni that was ok but not as good. Her career has been good but not what it could have been.

20 years on, she’s still unhappy about the choice her parents made. It’s a really unfair thing to do it at this age.

Oh and talk to the school. When my parents divorced my mum couldn't afford the fees and I got a part bursary.

It all sounds so horribly unfair to the poor boy, to be pulled out of the school his siblings are at and have his final year so disrupted because of his father's decision to have another family.

This pp has it right. You are being incredibly selfish.

You took the decision to enroll your younger child in a few paying school, knowing that you couldn't afford to do both.
You sound whiny and resentful and that's really not a good look.

It sounds like none of the adults are making good financial decisions and private schooling has been prioritized over everything else which is fucking madness but your husband cannot stop paying now and pull his son out of school just to make sure his other child can go. It would be cruel and his son would probably, rightly, hate you both for it.

Suck it up until the end of yr 13, put your younger child in a primary and learn from this. Stop selling off all your possessions and crying fucking poverty to buy education when it's there, free!

It would be bloody awful if you to make dss leave a school that he’s settled in in the middle of his A Levels, especially considering schools aren’t open properly right now and you’d be expecting him to join a new cohort that he can’t even meet. I can’t believe you are comparing that sort of upheaval to a child in reception going different for year 1. That happens all the time, but no decent parent makes their child move in the middle of their A levels.

Your DH should have ensured he wouldn’t be messing up his current children’s education before he started having more children.

I am in the "Let the DSS finish his education" camp.

However, if we are talking affordability, his Sixth Form will be exactly double that at the Pre Prep level.

So taking the younger child out may not release enough money.

@DecemberSun

Downsize the house, cheaper area, council school for the 4yo. Pay the last year for DSS / speak with school and ask for help and start saving for your own house.

Absolutely ridiculous to suggest they move house. OP is sacrificing enough already. Madness to suggest she moves to a cheaper, nastier home just to keep her husband's son in private school.

First wives' club out in force today.

You and your DD should not have to move home. Put your foot down and refuse. I'm sickened that there are people here who think that's acceptable.

So the OP's step-son should sacrifice his last year of schooling because the OP and his Dad sent their DD to pre-prep when they can't afford it?

I bet you in two years time the OP won't be hestitating about fairness if they can make sacrifices to send her child private.

Unless there's a legitimate reason for her not working I think the exw should look at getting employment to cover his last year at school. I think pulling him out now will have a large impact on him, both socially and academically.

It's bonkers for you to have to downsize to accommodate his private education. The once he's finished school is use the money to buy a house and send your dc to mainstream school.

Can I ask if you work op? Are your wages going towards the dc private education?

This is a ridiculous post. People should live within their means and if that means sending your children to a normal state school then so be it. You DSS only has a year left so leave him be. It will destroy his education if he is moved now.
Then all the women in this situation should get jobs!!! A permanent home is so much more important than an expensive private education. I'd spend the money on buying a house.

OP, you describe where you’re living as “an area and community I love”, so I’m guessing the schools there are pretty good too? And if that’s the case, they’ll probably be filled with families like yours, where your DD will fit right in, and you’ll make new friends too.

Unless what you mean is that it’s the private school community you love.

I agree with @Shehasadiamondinthesky

Private educations are all well and good, but a good state school and parents who put the effort in and take an interest in their child's education are just as effective.