Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I'm sure both children would be fine in a normal school. Aren't A levels cancelled anyway with a grading system in place?

This is mad. In your shoes I'd pull your younger child out and let DSS finish but while you're doing that move house to rent somewhere in the catchment of a great state primary, get your younger child in there and use the following 6/7 years to save up for a house deposit.

You can't move the eldest in such a vital year. That's beyond cruel.

I’m afraid your husband decided to have a child and put them through private school. The child is now at a point where to move him would be incredibly unfair.

You choose to have children, you need to make all sorts of sacrifices. That might be not going skiing anymore because you need to pay nursery fees or having shoes resoled so you can afford new ones for your child. In your case it’s finding the money to continue the child’s education for another year or so.

Your child was fathered despite your husband struggling to meet the demands of a court order. That’s not the first child’s fault. It’s a man having more children than he can afford to raise as chose. Your child won’t know whether it was private prep or not. There are huge advantages to state sector education for at least part of their upbringing.

Yes. You have to make sacrifices but it’s not a huge Nd and might turn out to be a real advantage. Remove your child into state primary and consider your options when you have more disposable income.

So my first thought is that, despite being in a financially precarious position, you'd actually gone so far as joining this merry-go-round again for another 14 years for your DD. That's madness but it does demonstrate how much your family prioritises private education above most things. You're far better off finding a good state primary for her and maybe switching to private for secondary, if your finances are much stronger by then.

Has anyone thought to approach DSS' school? They might have a hardship fund or a bursary you could apply for, if there's only one year of fees left. Otherwise I'm afraid I think everyone (including mum and stepdad) needs to suck in their belts and scrape this money together. This was a commitment you all agreed to and pulling him out for the final year would be such a shitty thing to do.

(And actually worth thinking about the state primaries near you - what are they like? Would you need to move at all?)

You can't equate a boy in the first year of his A Levels and a 4 year old ( who is a home anyway).
My children go to an Independent (Nursery to Y13), and the Pre-Prep is much smaller than the classes, mainly as parents don't send them - and least of all parents who have been struggling for money for years and rent. Move your daughter, as you certainly don't sound in a position to commit to Private for the next 12 odd years

On a practical side, I assume DH has paid for this Term - as he has to give notice, he will also be liable for next Term. That leaves 4 Terms. You also have a Court Order to contend with. Speak to Ex-wife and family etc,- you have to find a way to keep him there.

Wasn't paying school fees until the child is out of full time education part of the financial settlement for the divorce? Presumably before you were on the scene and had your children.

Also if you're making such sacrifices to afford it why on earth would you then pay for your own child to go to a private prep? You're effectively asking your DH to prioritise your shared child over the one he had long before.

How much are the fees for each child?

I agree with pps - take your DC out of private schooling, and leave your DSS where he is. Your DC is too young to receive much benefit, but your DSS is nearing the end of his schooling and it would be disruptive to remove him. Your original post said you can afford to send one, but not both, so DSS needs to be the one to stay. I can't believe you would even contemplate moving him to another school so your DC can attend a private school at such a young age.

100% do not pull DSS out, that idea is completely crazy! Let him finish his last year in education then massively reevaluate your finances.

I agree taking him out in his final year will be a blow. But keeping him there will mean us downsizing (again!!) to a cheaper rental and moving our DC away from an area and community I've grown to love

Him finishing his final year and achieving good grades is more important that you all living in a bigger property in an area you love.

There are unanswered questions:

Does the op work?
Why is the family in rented accommodation?
What budget forecasting took place before the youngest child was put in private reception?
What changes can be made to continue paying both fees for 4 more terms?
What are the fees - they could be anything from 8k per term to 14k per term - could any money be saved by switching to being a day boy or weekly boarder?
Could your DH come to an arrangement with the school to pay over 5 years?

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

Fair? Pulling a Y12 child out of their school is the least fair thing you could do. Especially given how young your child is.

Making everyone sugger is a shit way of looking at it. Doing what is best for two children with a massive age gap is often problematic.

You cannot pull a Y12 child out of school unless there is absolutely no option.

It's too crucial a time to take him out of school....the repercussions could be long lasting.

Keep him in..then when he's finished and off to pastures new put your DD back in. She's young and as pp have said...it's not critical for her now.

@changedmynamelol

I'm sure both children would be fine in a normal school. Aren't A levels cancelled anyway with a grading system in place?

I think the grading system to replace A-levels will very much rely on a school knowing a child very well and having lots of history and records on them. I think a move halfway through this year would be more detrimental than at any other time.

You can't move him half way through his A Levels. That would be incredibly unfair. Your dc is very young. At that age you can easily get her ahead of her peers through extra help at home if that is your motivation for private education. Your DSS needs to remain where he is, a move would be educationally and emotionally very very hard and could really impact life at a critical time. I also suspect the repercussions in respect of his on going relationship with his father would be huge. That might have a knock on effect on your DH's relationship with you.

In your OP you say you can afford to send one, so send him. Once he has left, the court ordered payment of fees will expire, and you will be able to think about private education for your dc. A lot of dc move to private at Y3.

I can't believe you are asking this.

Reading your op, the solution seems simple. Continue to pay for year 12 child, and pull dc2 out of private reception. It’s unfair to pull dc year 12 out if a school, where he’s only got a year or so to go. Reception dc won’t notice the difference so much and maybe in the future your finances will improve and you can send him to private school again.

Maybe approach the school and see if they can help, to spread out the payments further, or provide a bursary to help for his final year.

OP, you got a lot of grief here.. I can see where you coming from.. Your DSS got to be privately educated, exW's child is privately educated but not your little girl.
However it is materially irrelevant now. You keep saying 'we can or can't afford'.. What exactly is your husband's earning situation? Can he fulfill the existing court order to pay for his son's private education without your contribution? Without changing your accommodation? If not, then he should talk to his ex and try to negotiate, maybe she(her new husband) can help for a year until it gets better?
Also it is worth checking with the school if given the change of circumstances they would consider giving some sort of bursary.
If your DH will just pull his son from his private school on his final year I can guarantee nobody will ever forget. This subject will keep coming up for years to come

Of course you mustn't move just to keep your DSS at school. Your DD has sacrificed enough having to give up her private school. It's only fair that your DH stops paying for his son as well.

His ex may be able to pick up the slack but your family has given enough. The money isn't there. Sad. But that's how it is.

He needs to tell the ex ASAP.

It's court ordered. He can go back to court to amend the court order if he wishes (and could have at any point but chose not to). He agreed to pay for it, you should pull your younger one out and look into whether you can afford your younger one to go at all even when DSS has finished

What if his mum and step dad argue in court about this (as it’s court ordered) how much would that cost compared to fees?
Could you send your child to a regular school and use that time to save money for a house deposit to be more secure and then send him back to private school?
Like others said do you work? Maybe you could especially if all children are at school!

One question, do you work? OP hasn’t answered this. She has also said DH ExWife doesn’t.
I know lots of people (including myself) have suggested approaching the school for financial assistance......but really, if neither of the women in this scenario are working.....is that what bursaries are for??? Enabling SAHM to SAH or supporting families that have unexpectedly fallen on hard times/ supporting children from families who, despite 2 incomes, couldnt afford the fees.

@Skippinginthesnow

One question, do you work? OP hasn’t answered this. She has also said DH ExWife doesn’t. I know lots of people (including myself) have suggested approaching the school for financial assistance......but really, if neither of the women in this scenario are working.....is that what bursaries are for??? Enabling SAHM to SAH or supporting families that have unexpectedly fallen on hard times/ supporting children from families who, despite 2 incomes, couldnt afford the fees.

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

Don't be ridiculous.

Keep dss in. It's one year and you can't move in year 12. Things might look up in the future and your child can thrive in the state sector.