DP accused me of not liking his DS

[laptopwoes]

I've been with my DP for around 2 years and we have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. He has a DS9 who he sees regularly. Over the last year his contact schedule has gone out the window, he still sees him on his set days but he'll also see him every couple of days, sometimes organised between him and his DS on the day. Obviously it's great they have a good relationship. We had a conversation last night about getting the ball rolling with moving in together. I brought up the subject of his contact, and whether this would return to normal, or if not then would all the extra days be made official. When he asked why I just said for example it would make dinners easier to plan (if it's organised on the day then there may not be enough in etc). And also it would be helpful to know in advance when he would be there.

DP hit the roof and accused me of not liking his son and now he is barely talking to me. I think his son is great, and it is absolutely not the case that I am trying to stop him from seeing him! I just thought if we lived together then it would be nice if I k know what is going on that week etc.

If I'm in the wrong then please do say but his reaction seems completely over the top when he knows how much I like his child!

I can kind of understand what you meant, but really his son should be able to come and go. His son should feel like his dads home is as much his home as his mums is. And only coming on set days won't feel like that.

It does sound as though you're trying to control his contact even though that may not be what you're trying to do.

Dinners don't matter. If he turns up on the day and your BF can't stretch the meal to his DS, he can give him something else.

I can see how you wanting things to be 'official' rubbed him up the wrong way as some families just aren't like that, and would never want to be.

I have a DD12 and the contact with her Dad has always been set for certain days (it may change in school holidays) and that has always worked for us as we all know who is where and when etc.

My DP knows I like his son so maybe I came across in a way I didn't intend too

If you aren’t living together at the moment, your DP is clearly able to plan and organise dinner without knowing in advance when he’s seeing his son, so surely the easiest thing is to let him carry on doing so? On days when it’s pre-arranged that he sees him you’ll be able to plan for dinner, and on days when it’s spontaneous then it’s your DPs job to sort dinner. If you’re moving in with someone who has a child then you need to expect them to be there at any time really, especially as the child gets older and makes more of his own decisions about where he wants to be.

I have a DD12 and the contact with her Dad has always been set for certain days (it may change in school holidays) and that has always worked for us as we all know who is where and when etc.

That works for your family and his way works for his family.

No, I totally get this, OP. Not sure why people are ignoring the fact that your DP has stopped speaking to you over this!

It's perfectly fair for you to want to have at least a sense of who's going to be in the house when, especially when you're just starting to talk about moving in together.

And it certainly doesn't mean you don't like his son.

Barely talking to you over it sounds incredibly OTT and I'd be taking this as a warning of what may come when you're all working on blending your families and living together – if you can't have a conversation about setting expectations without him giving you the cold shoulder, it doesn't bode well for the work that inevitably goes into combining households.

I think the meal planning thing is a none issue. Just have an extra pack of fish fingers or whatever in so that whoever is cooking can rustle up an extra plate. How many of us had friends / cousins we would call on and their mums (because it would have been mums in the 80s) would ask if we were stopping for lunch / tea?
His home is also his child's home.

@WorraLiberty

I have a DD12 and the contact with her Dad has always been set for certain days (it may change in school holidays) and that has always worked for us as we all know who is where and when etc.

That works for your family and his way works for his family.

And they're talking about blending those families in one house, so why shouldn't they be able to have a civil discussion over it without him storming off like a teenager?

I’d take this as a warning that moving in together isn’t a good idea.

Blending is hard and I’ve been there. Being flexible is a good thing but also there does need to be certain boundaries, for example does your DP envisage seeing his son more because you have your DD more? Or will he be using you for childcare for example? Storming off is a bit of a red flag for me.

@notsosmoothie Thank you - his reaction is my main worry. He's always very sensitive about anything to do with his son. If he mentions something my DD has done or offers advice on a situation with her then I will listen without immediately accusing him of not liking her!

@Cantdoitallperfectly He won't be using me for childcare - he doesn't leave his son's side when he has him

A very unpopular view on here I can tell but I think your boyfriend did the right thing. You don't live together and have no firm plans to do so, why do you need to know your boyfriend's meal plans?

In the face of this and although his reaction was fine for him and I agree with him, if I was you I would rethink the whole 'we might live together' thing. Protect your own daughter from the misery that would happen with your boyfriend's reaction.

Carry on dating. He doesn't sound like he'll be great when you live together.

He criticises your DD but you wont be able to say a word about disciplining his son.

And I totally get wanting a rough idea of when his son will be around. I need to know when my own DC are going to be about so I can plan, food, activities etc accordingly, if they bring a guest I need some notice to be able to have the house ready, and beds sorted if they're staying overnight.

I wouldn't move in with this man, and from now if he criticises your DD, tell him to leave her alone as he's coming across as hating her. You don't say anything about his son and he says nothing about your child either.

He sounds like the kind of person who will expect you to run around after him and his son whilst he criticises you and your parenting.

It doesn't really matter what the difference of opinion is about, in a good relationship you can disagree without resorting to sulking.

I'd hold back on the blending families for a while, til you see whether it is possible to disagree without sulking.

It wouldn't be much fun to blend families with a sulker. There isn't much that is fun with a sulker.

[quote laptopwoes]@notsosmoothie Thank you - his reaction is my main worry. He's always very sensitive about anything to do with his son. If he mentions something my DD has done or offers advice on a situation with her then I will listen without immediately accusing him of not liking her! [/quote]
I would take that VERY seriously in my considerations about moving in together, especially if you have a DD in the mix.

You simply have to be able to discuss things in a calm and considerate manner in situations like this – there will be a LOT more of these conversations if you're living under the same roof, and this level of drama will be horrible for all of you if it continues.

My concern is his reaction to be honest, how does he react if you try to gently discipline his son? Obviously discipline should be mostly down to him but if you are all living together you DH be able to ask his son to do/not do something
Something sounds a bit off here

notsosmoothie is bang on with their posts.

I can only imagine the issues you'll face as and when the inevitable disagreements about parenting styles crops up, which they will. I'm not referring to discipline as such but stuff that affects everyone in the household e.g bedtimes, clearing up after yourself etc. Your DH's reaction is a huge red flag and I'd be reconsidering moving in together until he can discuss his concerns like an adult. Don't forget he'll be modelling this behaviour to his DS which is also a potential concern.

@MyCatHatesEverybody We have very different parenting styles! His DS doesn't really have many rules when he's with DP as such, and is allowed to play computer all day. My DD isn't allowed to do things until her homework is done, set bed times, no phone all day long etc.

@Hoppinggreen I've never tried to discipline his son as he doesn't really do that himself.

I wouldn’t move in with someone I couldn’t have a calm discussion with. I wouldn’t carry on the relationship if his response a reasonable question is a loud strop followed by the silent treatment.

He’s not treating you like a partner. This is how he’ll be if you live together.

How do you deal with his criticisms of your daughter? What’s he complaining about?

This isn’t about his son - though expecting a schedule for a 9 year old is completely reasonable and sensible - it’s about him thinking he’s above normal communication and when you raise things he lashes out and stone walls you. Massive red flags.

X post. No way can you live together.

As a parent yourself, can you really respect a man who refuses to give his 9 year old boundaries? Do you think playing on a computer all day at that age is good parenting?

Don't you think if you're living together this different parenting styles issue is going to become huge?

So he wont expect his son to do anything, his son will have no boundaries.

Meanwhile he will criticise your DD and expect her to behave.

Who's going to be running around after his son eg cooking and cleaning after him?

Take a read of the women with exactly this sort of P, their lives are miserable and their poor DC is caught in the crossfire.

Are you not pissed off with him criticising your DC when he never bothers parenting his own?

I also agree with @notsosmoothie, I think you are totally within your right to know when his son is coming and going, you're not saying he's not welcome, or that he can't come and go, just that you'd like to know when he's going to be around.

Also, what happens if you have plans together than all of a sudden his son wants to turn up, do you get dropped, because his ex can't stick to routines?

I'd see his reaction to this as a red flag and be concerned about moving in together.

Just to clarify - he doesn't actually criticise my daughter, he may just point something out (I'm struggling to think of an example now!).