DP accused me of not liking his DS

[laptopwoes]

I've been with my DP for around 2 years and we have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. He has a DS9 who he sees regularly. Over the last year his contact schedule has gone out the window, he still sees him on his set days but he'll also see him every couple of days, sometimes organised between him and his DS on the day. Obviously it's great they have a good relationship. We had a conversation last night about getting the ball rolling with moving in together. I brought up the subject of his contact, and whether this would return to normal, or if not then would all the extra days be made official. When he asked why I just said for example it would make dinners easier to plan (if it's organised on the day then there may not be enough in etc). And also it would be helpful to know in advance when he would be there.

DP hit the roof and accused me of not liking his son and now he is barely talking to me. I think his son is great, and it is absolutely not the case that I am trying to stop him from seeing him! I just thought if we lived together then it would be nice if I k know what is going on that week etc.

If I'm in the wrong then please do say but his reaction seems completely over the top when he knows how much I like his child!

@2me2u2u2me Sometimes I get dropped, sometimes I don't!

Do you ever point out things about his son? How does he take it?

I really think moving in together is a really bad idea
With such different parenting (or not) styles I think it will end badly

Why are you assuming that you need to take responsibility for feeding his child.?
This is a slippery slope - there are many posts on here where the female partner of the nrp ends up being responsible for the feeding laundry and childcare of the nrp’s dc. Take his response as a steer to back off here, it’s his child his issue not yours.

Why are you even thinking of moving in together ? You sound incompatible.

As a step parent myself of 9 years, I understand where you're coming from. Everyone is different, but I am best with a routine - I prefer to know what to expect as it may alter your own plans. People saying the meals thing isn't an issue - I relate to OP. If I know we've got the kids I'd prepare a dinner we'd all eat, ensure we have enough stuff etc so it's not always a freezer fare for the kids!
Before 2020, we had set days and it threw me in lockdown as, like OP, days changed (often last minute) and it's difficult to keep up when you feel like you're out of the loop and have no idea what the plan is from one day to the next. We'd love to have them all the time, naturally, so im sure as OP says, it's nothing to do with not liking/wanting DSS around, it's just if you're someone who likes structure, it's easier if you know!

I've never questioned or queried contact, as I know how important it is...so my mindset has always been if there's an opportunity for them to see their dad and it's not 'on plan' then I have to adjust to that, which I have and you will in time OP. I think not speaking to you is a tad OTT but from experience, these conversations NEVER come across right. You'll never find the right words without making it seem like you're on the other side, hence why I don't do it.

[quote laptopwoes]@2me2u2u2me Sometimes I get dropped, sometimes I don't! [/quote]
Mmmm, I wouldn't be happy with this, children need routine but also he's showing disrespect for your time, is his ex not stepping in and keeping to her son to his routines?

As a mum I wouldn't be allowing my 9 year old to just say he's off to his dads when it's his days with me, odd times ok, but not regularly like it seems to be becoming.

The issue is definitely with your OH, his reaction is very unreasonable so I'm not sure how you sort it.

You have every right to discuss these things beforehand.. if he can’t be civil and have an adult conversation that OP stay clear of him.

Maybe point out to him that he feels he can give his opinion on your DD and you listen but can he do the same when it comes to his son?

If you are going to be living together with kids, discipline and everything else should be fair. He can’t play disney dad & expect you to fall in line..

A relationship is give and take and a blended one comes with it’s own challenges.

Judging from his reaction I would say it is too soon to move in together and he is not ready to create a family/home with you and DD.

I actually get what you mean here. My DSS is 17 and generally comes and goes as he pleases. His main residence is with us, but over holidays he does what he likes depending on what he's doing with his friends basically.

On more than one occasion he's walked in while I've been preparing dinner (on one occasion I was plating up) and said oooh that smells nice I'm starving .. and then sulked when I said there's not enough for you; you'll have to grab a ready meal out of the freezer. As he hadn't told us he was coming back from his mum's that day.

I don't mind cooking. Not whatsoever. But I'm also not psychic, and don't cook 3 portions of everything just in case he decides to come home that day. All I ask is at the very least a message in the morning saying he's planning on come home today at x time. Then I'll know to do enough dinner.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know when people are going to be home. DSS always kicks up a fuss when he has to make his own dinner, but it's easily solved with a tiny bit of communication!

Personally I couldn't be with someone who isn't prepared to parent their own child properly. Children need clear boundaries and some fair rules in place as I think it makes them feel more secure. Couldn't be doing with Disney dads and their guilt complex. How do you feel about that op?

@frazzledasarock No I don't usually point things out about his son as it's not really my place but on the few times I have DP has got pretty defensive so I've just let it drop!

Oh god @laptopwoes do NOT move in.

You’re not compatible. Just read the absolute shit shows on here when people have “different parenting styles”.

Seriously, seriously Don’t do it.

@2me2u2u2me His ex doesn't work and they also live about a 2 minute drive from each other so I don't think she minds all the last minute arrangements.

[quote laptopwoes]@Hoppinggreen I've never tried to discipline his son as he doesn't really do that himself. [/quote]
I wouldn't move in with a man like that. It's asking for trouble.

I’d be put off by you asking that question. My style of parenting has always been very flexible, I couldn’t live with someone who only wanted my child there on set days and times. My hone has always been and always will be my child’s home first and foremost.

Ugh, again people on here justifying men "flying off the handle" about matters linked to their children. It's not normal and it's not acceptable OP. You were perfectly entitled to have asked the question, and even to say you weren't keen on moving in if arrangements were going to stay ad hoc. That would be justification for him to say "well in that case I don't think it's going to work out as I want to keep contact flexible", but not at all justification for the angry and aggressive response he gave.

I would get out now, he's telling you loud and clear that you must tiptoe around him when it comes to anything related to his son lest he freak out. This will be a constant issue in your relationship and he and posters on here will tell you you should just suck it up, but you shouldn't.

No way would I live with someone I couldn't have a calm conversation with.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible regarding parenting, but if you can't even talk about it this is never going to work.

@laptopwoes read though some recents posts on here from women living with & some having dc with 'defensive' dads. It's toxic & many of them are really struggling.
I would strongly advise you NOT to move in with this man & I cannot believe the amount of people on your thread justifying his bullying behaviour.
Blending is very hard work & it only stands a chance if BOTH parents can make some effort to compromise & to me it seems like this man will not compromise on anything - how can he when he's not even capable of a civil discussion with you?
Think of the message you will be giving your dd if her home & life suddenly has to revolve around the wishes & whims of a man child & his ds? Why would you do that to her? Why would you do that to yourself?

Op I would put the cohabiting plans on ice till your own relationship is a bit more cohesive. I am speaking from experience here - I wouldn't move in with a man again unless it felt like we were going to be forming a family unit and planning together. This "my son, none of your business" will not allow that. He is entitled to have that attitude for sure. But it won't work while you're sharing a home.

All you did was ask what the plan was and state what your preference would be. But he heard you make demands. The two of you need to work on communicating better before you should progress to the next stage.

His reaction was not great. It would concern me but wouldn't spell the end. How are things in general with you two? Can you resolve disputes or do they get brushed under the carpet only to reappear in another form?

Try to fix what you have control over -
How you communicate, how you listen, what your concerns are. It's not fair to inflict an unstable relationship on your children. They need stability and harmony.

If down the line you do decide to merge households you will have to have some practical arrangements around how you parent, step parent together.

The thing is, all you have said is that you have said is that a routine would be helpful for planning and he has flown off the handle!

You didn’t say there couldn’t be flexibility
You didn’t insist on it
You didn’t criticise his son

How on earth can you move in together?

I am astounded, absolutely astounded at your selfishness op. Have you considered your own child's opinion on the matter? When you would be allowing your dp's boundary-less son to be in the same living environment as you child?!

Do you not think it would cause endless conflict and resentment for your own child to have to follow the rules whereas his son doesn't?!

Jeez I despair at the short sightedness and selfishness of parents sometimes!

You should be doing to your child what your dp is doing to his. Putting him first.

Op, I think that you have a lot of talking to do with your dp. I don’t think that you and your dp are on the same page with regard to parenting . Recipe for disaster imho

That’s a good point actually about your own dd, @laptopwoes.

How would this even work? You parenting her while your “d”p loses his shit about being asked if his son (whose side he won’t leave) will be having dinner there?

You can’t do this to her!

@Newstaronhorizon You are astounded at my selfishness based on one thread on here I don't mean to be rude but you have absolutely NO idea how hard I have worked to make sure my DD is happy, doing well school and generally be a lovely person to be around. Please don't accuse me of being selfish when I have done pretty much everything for my daughter since she was born!

Please don't move in together- this has disaster written all over it.