DP accused me of not liking his DS

[laptopwoes]

I've been with my DP for around 2 years and we have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. He has a DS9 who he sees regularly. Over the last year his contact schedule has gone out the window, he still sees him on his set days but he'll also see him every couple of days, sometimes organised between him and his DS on the day. Obviously it's great they have a good relationship. We had a conversation last night about getting the ball rolling with moving in together. I brought up the subject of his contact, and whether this would return to normal, or if not then would all the extra days be made official. When he asked why I just said for example it would make dinners easier to plan (if it's organised on the day then there may not be enough in etc). And also it would be helpful to know in advance when he would be there.

DP hit the roof and accused me of not liking his son and now he is barely talking to me. I think his son is great, and it is absolutely not the case that I am trying to stop him from seeing him! I just thought if we lived together then it would be nice if I k know what is going on that week etc.

If I'm in the wrong then please do say but his reaction seems completely over the top when he knows how much I like his child!

Flexible, ad hoc contact isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, it's the motivators behind it which point to there being trouble or not.

It's natural for teens and upwards to want flexibility as they carve out their own lives and that's fine. However, younger children benefit from routine and boundaries - we're not talking zero flexibility of course, but a basic structure at least. Maybe your partner's son benefits more from the kind of contact he has now. But the point is, there are clear indications that his dad neither knows nor cares whether it's actually the best thing for his child because he has zero interest in parenting him appropriately.

It's a red herring to think this issue is anything to do with the contact schedule itself - is his son phoning his dad every time his mum tells him off for instance? In which case far from being a positive thing for the young lad, additional contact in those kind of circs is actually a bad thing. There are many studies which show that permissive parenting is detrimental to children's development and all the signs are that your DP's "flexibility" is just another symptom of irresponsible parenting. Your DP might even know this deep down, hence his defensiveness and sulking because you unknowingly hit a nerve.

Sorry but any attempt to move in together has disaster written all over it, not least for your DD.

OP you have taken a lot of flak on this thread for asking something completely reasonable. Of course that is not a reasonable reaction to you asking about contact days. Loads of parents have set contact days with their kids - it’s not unusual, and I don’t see how it can be construed as being as amazingly offensive and upsetting to ask a question about what arrangements might be as some other posters suggest. You were not suggesting he should have certain contact days, or that he should change his arrangements in any way - although in my opinion there could be perfectly good and reasonable grounds for having those conversations as a couple without fear of your DP flying into a rage and ignoring you.
Just asking a question about what contact might be is perfectly reasonable - the answer might be that he doesn’t know - but if he does, maybe that’s helpful to you. Particularly if you’re the one who’d be doing the cooking/shopping etc
As parents living together there are going to be plenty of times you might need to ask about arrangements, and I’m sure you’ll want to do that without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
As a SM myself this comment : We have very different parenting styles! His DS doesn't really have many rules when he's with DP as such, and is allowed to play computer all day. My DD isn't allowed to do things until her homework is done, set bed times, no phone all day long etc makes me want to beg you not to move in together - for your own and your DD’s sake.
Like other posters have suggested, spend some time if you can reading the other threads on this board about the difficulties and unhappiness that is thrown up by differing parenting styles - sometimes only quite small differences can cause all sorts of trouble.
I’m afraid it is also not uncommon to read about DPs taking questions about or any dissatisfaction with the general blended living situation very personally and as an implied criticism of them or their DC.
There are quite a lot of red flags in your posts. Have a good think about whether you and your DD will really get any more out of changing your from your current living arrangements to sharing a home with your DP and his child.

I’d advise you to proceed with great caution. He sounds very sensitive about his child, and that will be a total ball-ache to live with, you’ll always be on eggshells.

@sassbott

Op. I’ve scanned this thread.

Aside from the few people having a pop at you (ignore), the cast majority have one thread to them. Don’t move in with this man. My voice is being added to that. Don’t do it.

1. You tried to talk to him about his contact schedule with his son, he went straight to ‘you don’t like my child’ and sulked. It’s basically trying to ensure you get to a place where you don’t dare do anything like this again. And if you do, you will be attacked and told you are the problem. Whether you are or aren’t is by the by, this man cannot even have a calm, respectful conversation with you over his child. HUGE red flag. This doesn’t get better if you move in together (based on threads on this board).
2. your parenting styles are very different. Fine when dating and own houses. Disasters when one home. Your DD will live to a different set of rules to his son. And because she is the resident child and he is not, he will be put on a pedestal on the basis he is non-resident. That isn’t fair on your Dd (and you will start to deeply resent it).
3. there is no right or wrong re contact. Some people on here like structure and routine (I do). Some are of the opinion children can come and go as they please as it’s their home. Again I don’t think there is a right or wrong, this comes down to personal preference. My children prefer routine and structure and so I have a very clear view of when my kids are home vs with their dad. As they get older and can move more freely I will still expect a heads up of where they will be that night / week. They’re welcome in their / my home, but I still want to know/ get a check in text.

Honestly? Put this on ice. Let him continue to have adhoc contact with his child. Continue to focus on yours.

This is excellent advice.

@WorraLiberty

It does sound as though you're trying to control his contact even though that may not be what you're trying to do.

Dinners don't matter. If he turns up on the day and your BF can't stretch the meal to his DS, he can give him something else.

I can see how you wanting things to be 'official' rubbed him up the wrong way as some families just aren't like that, and would never want to be.

I half get this, but I also don't think it's fair for him to come and go with his son as he pleases and OP to be constantly waiting around.

[quote laptopwoes]@notsosmoothie Thank you - his reaction is my main worry. He's always very sensitive about anything to do with his son. If he mentions something my DD has done or offers advice on a situation with her then I will listen without immediately accusing him of not liking her! [/quote]
He anticipates that he will be The Man Of The House and you will be domestic carer to the children. His ott reaction was because you dared to voice any authority on domestic matters, which he sees as a challenge to his vision of him in charge and you doing the dog work. This is depressingly common too, in men with kids seeking free, live in, domestic help.

I really wouldn't subject your daughter to this set up, OP. And it is a "set up" - for you.

, it makes perfect sense why he’d be in a strop

If he's a toddler, maybe. Adults use their words and have a sensible conversation.

If the previous posters haven’t talked you out of moving in, my advice is that this is the first of many questions you should ask, to gauge his response and assess the actual answers.
You need to digest it all then decide if you can live with certain things. Far better to do that than move in then find out later that your relationship isn’t working.
His way of handling this doesn’t seem to bode well.

My daughter doesn't stay here all the time she gives me notice when she is coming home so I can do a "daughter" shop it makes sense to have notice for food

His behaviour concerns me a lot i would not be moving in with him

OMG the op is so selfish she doesn't even see what emotional damage she would do to her own daughter.

Any op you have been warned but you are not listening to 99% of the unanimous decision on here.

@Newstaronhorizon Give it a rest please

Thank you to every one who has offered helpful, constructive advice. I definitely may have to rethink the whole situation - my DD obviously comes first.

Op. Is he speaking to you get? Has he apologised for his reaction? Or explained his behaviour?

*yet?

OP. Please don’t move in together, defensive dads don’t make for a good home environment for either the resident or non resident children. If the arrangement is fine as is I’d wait till both children were a bit older. Moving in will undoubtedly end in resentment which isn’t nice for anyone ❤️

This has disaster written all over it. Just stay two households.

My H used to react like this whenever I questioned or criticised his parenting. Questioning and criticising your partners parenting does sound harsh but your becoming a blended family and that’s the key word family. You do have a right to know when your SC is coming over because that is what will make you comfortable in this blended family setup. Whether that will always be like that only good communication and time will tell. Good luck

Why would meal planning be your sole responsibility? He currently lives alone and feeds his DS as and when he comes over, so why should that change if you live together?

I can understand how he feels with what you said, as it seems the current flexible arrangement would not be your choice and you're preference is clearly fixed days. That's your preference for how often he sees his son

He probably overreacted by saying you don't like his DS...but maybe in his mind that's the only reason you would try and say it should be set days...so that you know how often you'll see him.

He has an arrangement that works for him...covid and it's upheaval is still with us and in fact you don't like his current arrangement so much...which is not for you to change.

This isn’t really about meal planning?!? Is it?!? It’s just planning life around both your commitments isn’t it? Juggling two blended situations in the beginning I can see how having set days would be extremely helpful for both parents until you find your feet. We’ve read many PPs where new SM get saddled with all the cooking, household chores, so don’t rely on “ he cooks for his child now” line. Set your boundaries now, do what you need to do, resentment will only grow if you agree to something your not ready for or agree to.

Thank goodness MN posts are getting through to you now op!

I could not believe any mother could be so selfish as to be thinking seriously about moving in an emotionally, verbally aggressive/ explosive adult male who is not related to your dd into the safe haven and peaceful living environment of your dd.

Not only is that hugely dysfunctional but you were seriously considering moving in his son too albeit part time who has been brought up with no boundaries and precious little discipline by the sound of it!

And you just could not see the damage and resentment this would cause your daughter?!?

Who has zero choice in the matter?!?

Honestly, shame on you op.

For what it's worth I signed up to Mumsnet expressly to post you this warning
that's how alarmed I was to read your intention.

If you are not going to have the nous to emotionally safeguard your dd at least strangers on the internet can do it for you .

Thank goodness you are listening

And a nine year old who isn't given boundaries is going to turn into a teenager from hell.

I wouldn't call deciding he wants to see his dad on a no contact day as lacking boundaries...it's not natural for all children to have fixed days with their parents.

My DNs can see their dad (my brother) whenever they like. They don't have fixed contact days and when DB split with his Ex, he remained living in the area for precisely this reason...that the DC could see him whenever they wanted to.

Try and see this from the child's point of view... my niece specifically asked my DB if him getting married again meant he'd move away and they wouldn't be able to see him as much.

Having a location that the kids could walk to or get on a bus and see him was paramount. It is important to think about the impact on your DC and this applies to all parents...so if the different parenting styles will become an issue...then blending is not a great idea.

If DBs wife tried to say the kids should only come on set days.... they wouldn't still be together. DB does not rely on SIL to cook and would do something for the DC or order a takeaway...that's a non issue.

This doesn't mean that you drop pre existing plans...obviously if they have plans to go out and the DC want to come over, he would tell them he won't be in. He wouldn’t cancel his plans...but if he's home doing nothing imparticular...then why not? Do you tell your child...I'm not set to see you till Wednesday, so you can't come today.

I think from my reading on this board and speaking to SMs..sometimes you just want to be in your house, be able to relax....minus stepchildren. It's not just about meal planning. I can understand wanting to relax in your oen home, but if having SC there makes you unrelaxed...then it's best to live separately.

I wouldn't like to not be totally relaxed in my house...I get it.....blending doesn't work for everyone.

OP.....I think the posters calling you selfish are quite harsh and uncalled for tbh. I'm not sure why they felt the need to be so venomous in their posts.

@SandyY2K I assume your DB actually parents his children though. You also said he wouldn’t cancel his plans. OP has already said she’s been dropped at least a few times by her DP so the boundaries your brother has in place obviously don’t apply to the OP’s situation. I expect if your brother failed to discipline his DC and regularly dropped plans with his wife she’d be less enthusiastic about the lack of fixed schedule too.

I don’t like the sound of your DP, OP. Blended family situations need great communication, not sulky people going off in a strop. Added to the fact he doesn’t really discipline his son, I’d be putting any plans to move in on hold for a LONG time. Your DD shouldn’t be put in this situation.

@Newstaronhorizon emotionally, verbally aggressive/ explosive adult male? I think you're on the wrong post! Yes DP was a little sulky for a couple of hours but the way you have described him there is ridiculous! I've never heard him raise his voice or get really cross, ever!

@sassbott Yes he's back to normal now, he got over his hump eventually.

@SandyY2K Thank you for your posts, they're very helpful. And thank you for the comment about some other posters awful replies - I was wondering what on Earth I wrote in order to receive those!

For the few of those posters who seem to think I have an awful, emotionally abusive DP, I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick. Yes DP gets on occasion get a little defensive if I mentioned something about his DS, but that aside he's caring, thoughtful and my DD likes him a lot. No he doesn't parent the same way I do and it's clear from what people have said that blending is not likely to work, especially whilst the children are young. We were only just starting to talk about moving in together but it doesn't look like that is the right decision at the moment. I'd be more than happy to keep me and DD in our own separate house for now.