DP accused me of not liking his DS

[laptopwoes]

I've been with my DP for around 2 years and we have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. He has a DS9 who he sees regularly. Over the last year his contact schedule has gone out the window, he still sees him on his set days but he'll also see him every couple of days, sometimes organised between him and his DS on the day. Obviously it's great they have a good relationship. We had a conversation last night about getting the ball rolling with moving in together. I brought up the subject of his contact, and whether this would return to normal, or if not then would all the extra days be made official. When he asked why I just said for example it would make dinners easier to plan (if it's organised on the day then there may not be enough in etc). And also it would be helpful to know in advance when he would be there.

DP hit the roof and accused me of not liking his son and now he is barely talking to me. I think his son is great, and it is absolutely not the case that I am trying to stop him from seeing him! I just thought if we lived together then it would be nice if I k know what is going on that week etc.

If I'm in the wrong then please do say but his reaction seems completely over the top when he knows how much I like his child!

I'm in a blended family that isn't working. I wish we had never moved in together. My DP is an amazing partner and a great Dad but we have totally different parenting styles and our DC are from different universes personality wise.

We had the best relationship ever before we moved in together and now we argue often but only ever about the children. It has been like trying to mix oil and water. I take the lion's share of the responsibility because it is me that finds it so hard living with someone else's children.

We are at breaking point now due to lock down and his DC being here so often. My advice would be not to move into together unless you are 100% sure that you are cut out for a blended family. I'm often more unhappy than I was before I got divorced!

@MyCatHatesEverybody

@SandyY2K I assume your DB actually parents his children though.

Yes he does...but so does the OPs DP...it's just not the same way age parents her DD.

You also said he wouldn’t cancel his plans. OP has already said she’s been dropped at least a few times by her DP

I think the thing her is that when you don't live together...your plans...may just be meeting up...not actually doing anything specific...just seeingeach other. I can see how this may not seem like a big deal to cancel if your child wants to see you...as opposed to we've got a dinner booking...or a concert to go to and that gets cancelled.

My brother would never say the kids can't come over if he was just at home with his wife...even if there was prior plan for them to come over.

I expect if your brother failed to discipline his DC

I do think discipline can be subjective. I've seen my SIL disagree with some things regarding the kids...but my brother has been clear it's his decision. When I observed this, I felt she should step back and I remember thinking that her parenting style (even though they didn't have any joint DC then) would be a potential area of conflict.

I also have to say that even when you share kids parenting styles can be different...I'm stricter, but more intune and sensitive to their feelings.

The funny thing is now with their DC..... she's very lax and my DB is more on the stricter side, but when she talks about discipline with my DNs her DSCs...it's a harsher approach than I see with their joint DC.

and regularly dropped plans with his wife she’d be less enthusiastic about the lack of fixed schedule too.

Firm plans like mentioned above...YES.. nobody would be happy...but not just I want to chill in my house and not see your kids today...NO.

The impression I often get on here is that SC are visitors to SMs...if that's the feeling, then I can understand how you may not want them around all the time...when I have a houseguest...it's nice to return to normality.... I will not invalidate how anyone feels...because your feelings are yours...but living together under these circumstances is not advisable...at it will lead to resentment on many sides.

I have to say..on the point of the OPs SS not doing homework and still playing video games....that's on him (your DP) and your DD will thrive in her education while his DS slips behind in school.

In most cases it is the mum who supervises homework...I did with my DC...I did all the reading with them ...helped with projects etc. This us the case with most people I know as well....so he probably lacks awareness in that area.

Does he go to parents evenings?
Does he know the teachers name?
Does he know his friend's names?

It's all well and good him not leaving DS side when he's there...but how well does he know his son and what's going on in his life?

Some people are obviously way over the top in how they have expressed their opinion with a whole lot of projection but in there is a kernel of truth. Mumsnet style of "straight talk" is really just poor emotional regulation but whatever. Don't get side tracked by it. The important message is that a lot of posters can see the red flags and have witnessed first hand just how disastrous it can be to try and blend families with another adult who is on a completely different page to you. The fallout of a failed blended family puts kids through a whole second cycle of trauma and loss that just didn't need to happen hence the strength of feeling. At a very basic level you would have to be able to raise issues around his son without it being awful. His son will hit puberty and it might just be a rocky ride!

@laptopwoes I wouldn’t necessarily say your DP is awful or abusive as such but the way he reacted to you, coupled with him not disciplining his son, is behaviour that won’t exist in its own vacuum. He’s caring and thoughtful on his own terms i.e when he’s not being challenged. As soon as you express your very reasonable emotions e.g disappointment at having plans dropped without discussion, disapproval that a child should spend literally all day gaming etc, then it causes conflict. That is not an indicator of a good partner.

I have to admit that my DH’s parenting style was total Disney dad when I first met him. The difference was he was happy to listen to my points of view, even if he didn’t necessarily implement them, without punishing me for having a different opinion.

Also, don’t be lulled into a false sense of security thinking that because your DP has to do everything for his son now, that it won’t all fall to you if they move in with you. If you’re the one handling the chores and the mental load of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc that it actually gives him even more time to spend being Disney dad without the actual hard work of parenting getting in the way.

As for your DD liking him - she’s not seeing him in a real life context atm - he’s just a nice friendly visitor. I can’t see that lasting for long once she starts witnessing her stepbrother getting away with all sorts. It’s also very common for a Disney parent, either consciously or unconsciously, to be overly critical of the behaviour of their partner’s resident children as a way of trying to make their own children’s (much worse) behaviour look less bad. Just another thing to be aware of.

@SandyY2K imo there are parenting styles which are different ways of doing things but equally valid, then there is lack of parenting. I’d say allowing your child free rein to play computer games all day long at the expense of their school work and failing to try and ensure they get enough sleep by imposing a reasonable bedtime is not a parenting style but low level neglect.

OP comes across to me as a reasonable human being and I have every suspicion that the contact issue niggles her not because she objects to ad hoc contact per se, but because of all the other dynamics that have led to her craving some reassurance that she’s not always going to be put bottom of the pile by default. It’s like the step parenting version of “she divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink” - it’s indicative of a more general relationship dynamic.

I was told by a psychotherapist that the honeymoon period in a relationship can last up to 2 years. I would give it another 12 months to see how the relationship is before thinking of moving in together.

Typo

My brother would never say the kids can't come over if he was just at home with his wife...even if there WASN'T a prior plan for them to come over.

Thank you for your posts, they're very helpful. And thank you for the comment about some other posters awful replies -

You're welcome.

I was wondering what on Earth I wrote in order to receive those!

It's ironic..because they've decided your OH is overreacting/awful and labelled you as a bad mum...but I find their posts way over the top...lacking in tact, sensitivity and just way off the mark.

Out of nowhere he was accused of criticising your DD.....talk about jumping the gun. Making out you have such poor judgement...I had to check what I was reading tbh.

OP I'm not one of the overzealous posters telling you how selfish you are and I can absolutely see why you felt the need to backtrack and emphasise there's nothing wrong with your partner generally, based on the few dogs with a bone. But I think you are downplaying how problematic his behaviour around his son is, or perhaps not yet aware of it BECAUSE you don't live together yet.

Living with someone that is hugely defensive about their child and regularly flies off the handle takes a HUGE toll on a relationship and often, over time, adds up to a pattern of bullying and emotional manipulation. It really does, especially when you live with the person and their child becomes a big part of your life, so lots of opportunities for this reaction to come up. In your last post you said this was occasional, but earlier in the thread you reiterated many times that it was every time you mentioned his son.

Please don't make the mistake of underestimating how bad a character trait that is. There are lots of threads on here by unhappy step mum's about their partners that behave like yours. Read as many of them as you can.

@SandyY2K you've mentioned your DB and his wife on several threads now and I must say he doesn't sound overly pleasant. Perhaps what his wife says about his children is wildly inappropriate each time (though by the sounds of things they would be divorced if so) but it reads like every time she mentions anything to do with them he hits back with "they're my kids, I'll do what I want so pipe down", presumably including in front of friends and family, since you were there to observe it. You mentioned him showing similar defensiveness to OPs partner on another thread as if that was fine, too. I find myself feeling very sorry for your SIL.

@aSofaNearYou

OP I'm not one of the overzealous posters telling you how selfish you are and I can absolutely see why you felt the need to backtrack and emphasise there's nothing wrong with your partner generally, based on the few dogs with a bone. But I think you are downplaying how problematic his behaviour around his son is, or perhaps not yet aware of it BECAUSE you don't live together yet.

Living with someone that is hugely defensive about their child and regularly flies off the handle takes a HUGE toll on a relationship and often, over time, adds up to a pattern of bullying and emotional manipulation. It really does, especially when you live with the person and their child becomes a big part of your life, so lots of opportunities for this reaction to come up. In your last post you said this was occasional, but earlier in the thread you reiterated many times that it was every time you mentioned his son.

Please don't make the mistake of underestimating how bad a character trait that is. There are lots of threads on here by unhappy step mum's about their partners that behave like yours. Read as many of them as you can.

This comment is 100% bang on.

@aSofaNearYou and @MyCatHatesEverybody are so right in this OP. Some of the behaviour you talk about in your DP you won't be able to see the true impact of it until he and his DS are living with you and your DD, and then by then it's too late (or at least involves a lot of upheaval to unravel).

I agree that this is not really about how often he sees his DS, it's the impact of how he interacts with his DS on you and your DD if you move in together. Don't underestimate just how much resentment can build up when you begin to feel a lack of power or control over things that happen in your house; I've been there, and it took a lot to turn it around. Even now these moments rear their head in our life every now and again, as Disney Dad habits are intensely hard to break.

From what I have seen of PP advising you, and myself as a DSM, it's a good thing from your perspective that you have seen this dynamic BEFORE moving in together, concluded you are unsure about blending more fully, and are taking it more slowly.

@laptopwoes I am 100% with @aSofaNearYou.
My exdp was & is a truly lovely man & was a great partner - when his kids weren't in the picture. HOWEVER, the minute stuff reared its head around his dc it was like one part of his personality (The Defensive Dad) came to the fore & all logic/reason went out this window.
Your dp can be a lovely man and partner, but he can also be an awful partner when he is being triggered by his dc - the two aren't mutually exclusive.
It took me many sessions with my therapist to get a handle on this aspect of exdp's behaviour, but basically his reactions to his dc were based on his own upbringing, his marriage to their dm, the fallout from their divorce, his guilt over not loving their dm, his guilt over not loving their behaviour, his guilt over sometimes not liking them, & his feeling like he was failing them & me.
As I previously mentioned, he in turn went to counselling & the change in him in relation to his dc was very positive. But I know that living with someone who cannot sort out all those feelings mentioned above is really, really hard & doesn't get any better or easier unless THEY are prepared to do something about it.
My exdp is a very strong minded, professional, kind, moral person but he too would sulk & become extremely childish over perceived criticism of his dc. It was bullying behaviour which he subsequently recognised and it totally stemmed from feeling criticised himself & from guilt. He was not able to manage those emotions without external help & so he reverted to reacting like a child because that's all he knew. Ime a lot of men are like this. They cannot manage big emotions in an adult way & so we are left dealing with totally inappropriate, childish, bullying behaviour. This does not make them bad people, but it does make them hard to live with & can make blending very, very unwise.

Superb post @Magda72 and so very spot on.

It all resonates with me.

@Newstaronhorizon

Thank goodness MN posts are getting through to you now op!

I could not believe any mother could be so selfish as to be thinking seriously about moving in an emotionally, verbally aggressive/ explosive adult male who is not related to your dd into the safe haven and peaceful living environment of your dd.

Not only is that hugely dysfunctional but you were seriously considering moving in his son too albeit part time who has been brought up with no boundaries and precious little discipline by the sound of it!

And you just could not see the damage and resentment this would cause your daughter?!?

Who has zero choice in the matter?!?

Honestly, shame on you op.

For what it's worth I signed up to Mumsnet expressly to post you this warning
that's how alarmed I was to read your intention.

If you are not going to have the nous to emotionally safeguard your dd at least strangers on the internet can do it for you .

Thank goodness you are listening

Back off. You are out of order .

@aSofaNearYou

You're very much off the mark with your assessment of my DB, in much the same way that posters on this thread have laid into the OPs other half as beingall kinda of everything.

I think I could make assessments of peoples characters based on this board (including yours) which may appear to have rationale, but it applies to just a part of their lives and would be wholely inaccurate.

I just find that it's often easy for ppl who don't have kids to say what they would do and how they would act in a certain situation, when they don't have the experience of being a parent.

I think now they have a DC of their own she realises it's different in practice and has said it's harder than she thought.

@SandyY2K yes I can appreciate that it's hard to construe context or tone on here, but repeatedly clapping back to comments made about his kids (comments that you've suggested are similar to posters such as OPs) with something like "they're my kids so it's none of your business" or "they're my kids and I don't regret having them", especially in front of friends and family, doesn't paint a very commendable picture.

That said, I actually think it's far less glib to make ascertations about OPs partner compared to your brother, because we actually know what was said and what his reaction was, and it sounds highly disproportionate and unreasonable. It isn't reading between the lines, it's a clear pattern of defensive behaviour.

Why do a significant amount of men get like this after separating from the mum? (Defense Disney Dad's)

@aSofaNearYou

Aahh...you're referring to not regretting having his kids ... It was well and truly justified and I said that in the particular thread to highlight how comments made by SMs about pre-existing children can be perceived by the parent.

This isn't my thread...I don't wish to thread jack...so the focus should be the OPs situation. I won't respond to your posts, as it's not fair and it's disrespectful to the OP to do this.

@SandyY2K I wasn't trying to derail, just to question your examples of when extreme defensiveness is justified.