DP accused me of not liking his DS

[laptopwoes]

I've been with my DP for around 2 years and we have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. He has a DS9 who he sees regularly. Over the last year his contact schedule has gone out the window, he still sees him on his set days but he'll also see him every couple of days, sometimes organised between him and his DS on the day. Obviously it's great they have a good relationship. We had a conversation last night about getting the ball rolling with moving in together. I brought up the subject of his contact, and whether this would return to normal, or if not then would all the extra days be made official. When he asked why I just said for example it would make dinners easier to plan (if it's organised on the day then there may not be enough in etc). And also it would be helpful to know in advance when he would be there.

DP hit the roof and accused me of not liking his son and now he is barely talking to me. I think his son is great, and it is absolutely not the case that I am trying to stop him from seeing him! I just thought if we lived together then it would be nice if I k know what is going on that week etc.

If I'm in the wrong then please do say but his reaction seems completely over the top when he knows how much I like his child!

His son does not or should not feel he has to book an appointment to see his dad, just to please you. Yabu

@Sillysandy Things are absolutely fine between us! The only time there is any tension is if for example, we have something planned and then he decides to have his DS instead (not so much of a problem lately due to covid!).

He seems to confuse me being disappointed about the situation as me not liking his son, which he knows is not true whatsoever! I spend time with his son, buy him little things when I'm out of I know he'd like it, always ask how he is etc.

You living together sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I've been there and down what you've said I don't think this is going to end well.

Ok this is not such a huge deal - something is lost in translation. You can get this sorted out. You said one thing, he heard another. But it revealed an inner concern / suspicion of his and touched a nerve with you - do you feel for example that he doesn't appreciate the efforts you make with his son and now has the nerve to suggest you don't even like him?

Slow it down a bit. You're not ready to merge households but that doesn't mean you won't be.

Op. I’ve scanned this thread.

Aside from the few people having a pop at you (ignore), the cast majority have one thread to them. Don’t move in with this man. My voice is being added to that. Don’t do it.

1. You tried to talk to him about his contact schedule with his son, he went straight to ‘you don’t like my child’ and sulked. It’s basically trying to ensure you get to a place where you don’t dare do anything like this again. And if you do, you will be attacked and told you are the problem. Whether you are or aren’t is by the by, this man cannot even have a calm, respectful conversation with you over his child. HUGE red flag. This doesn’t get better if you move in together (based on threads on this board).
2. your parenting styles are very different. Fine when dating and own houses. Disasters when one home. Your DD will live to a different set of rules to his son. And because she is the resident child and he is not, he will be put on a pedestal on the basis he is non-resident. That isn’t fair on your Dd (and you will start to deeply resent it).
3. there is no right or wrong re contact. Some people on here like structure and routine (I do). Some are of the opinion children can come and go as they please as it’s their home. Again I don’t think there is a right or wrong, this comes down to personal preference. My children prefer routine and structure and so I have a very clear view of when my kids are home vs with their dad. As they get older and can move more freely I will still expect a heads up of where they will be that night / week. They’re welcome in their / my home, but I still want to know/ get a check in text.

Honestly? Put this on ice. Let him continue to have adhoc contact with his child. Continue to focus on yours.

Blending is HARD. The people who do the best? Are the ones who work as a team. Can openly communicate about all children and be as fair and equitable as possible.
Not fly off the handle at a perceived criticism. Ridiculous behaviour.

I wouldn’t move in with someone I couldn’t have a calm discussion with. I wouldn’t carry on the relationship if his response a reasonable question is a loud strop followed by the silent treatment.

Yep. And a nine year old who isn't given boundaries is going to turn into a teenager from hell. Living together with such different parenting styles is going to lead to friction eventually. And your poor daughter will suffer for living with one set of rules, yet having to put up with the behaviour of someone who has none. It might not happen straight away, but it will in the end, when you have two teenagers.

Don't move in with him - I speak from experience. Don't make the mistake of thinking 'oh it'll all be fine' if you can't even have a sensible conversation with him before you even live together. You're perfectly within your rights to want to understand what the schedule will be. His reaction is OTT. And that's without even considering the fact you said he doesn't parent in the same way as you do. Disaster waiting to happen.

How does your dd feel about her stepbrother having different rules?
I wouldn't move in with a person who's not compatible with my parenting. There's countless threads of this causing issues and resentment.
FWIW I wouldn't be keen on a drop in whenever arrangement too. That's just my personality but I know that many people welcome loved ones dropping in unannounced.
Does your partner do the cooking? If dss turns up perhaps he should organise dinner on those days?

@Cantdoitallperfectly He won't be using me for childcare - he doesn't leave his son's side when he has him

@Hoppinggreen *I've never tried to discipline his son as he doesn't really do that himself.
*
I'm afraid your DP has Disney Dad Disaster written all over him, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.

Everything you have described about how he and you parent your individual DC is so completely opposite that everyone in the house will end up stressed out and miserable if you try and blend fully, especially you and/or your DD.

If you're happy to stay with him, and remember to say only adoring things about his DS, and nothing else, keep dating and living apart together until both your DC come of age.

@nimbuscloud

I’d take this as a warning that moving in together isn’t a good idea.

Me too, he's stroped over something two adults should be able to talk about without losing their temper or refusing to speak. It doesn't look like a good idea.

Some people are "go with the flow" while others like plans
My children are having very random contact atm and I wouldn't bother discussing with ex what contact might be like because it's not something he'd consider until things were "normal " He can talk about future events "when X goes to uni next year..." but he'd be miffed at discussing this now when we could wait until things calmed down. He's more spontaneous than me where as I like to plan all possible scenarios to everything (exhausting!)

There’s nothing wrong with not having set days. It’s actually more natural than having fixed days.

Your question has a tone of “ I prefer if your son only comes on preset days” which can be interpreted as you trying to control contact.

You don’t need to feed his child. He can do that. Even if you were making dinner, it’s not that hard to add extra or come up with alternatives etc.

Unfortunately, I can see your partners side.

@Yoshinori Can I check, do you mean my DP was right to strop off because I basically asked if the ad hoc contact would continue if we moved in together? (That's all I asked).

Who will be doing the childminding when the ds comes over, I hope he's not expecting you to do it. As long as he is home his ds can come round. They can be the nights your dp cooks and makes sure food is in the house, not your responsibility.
I think you need to make this clear from the start.
All women don't become the default carer for their partners previous children.
How much does he do for your dd?

I wouldn't move in with him, his reaction is way over the top, and his parenting is different to yours.

You asked if you were in the wrong to please say.

The way he handled it was clearly wrong but again if he genuinely took the your question to mean you don’t like his child, it makes perfect sense why he’d be in a strop

If I genuinely thought my partner didn’t like my child, I wouldn’t be rushing back to normal.

Your DD will live to a different set of rules to his son. And because she is the resident child and he is not, he will be put on a pedestal on the basis he is non-resident. That isn’t fair on your Dd (and you will start to deeply resent it)

This would be my concern, more than the scheduling issue. What would your answer be when your DD starts to question why she has to finish all homework before playing computer games, when X never has to?

@GypsyLee He wouldn't expect me to look after his son. When he has him he doesn't usually leave his side. I do know that if we lived together I'd be expected to cook dinner on the days his DS would be there. He doesn't do anything for my DD, although if I asked him to help with something I'm sure he would!

OP there are other red flags -

1. He expects you to cook for his son without knowing if the boy is going to turn up in advance so you have enough food in plus can cook something the boy will/can eat.
2. Doesn't do anything for your daughter without being asked. If you live with children regardless of who you are in relation to them, then you do stuff for them without being prompted. For example if the child is hungry at breakfast time, they aren't able to properly sort out food and you are the only one who is up you do it for them.

I'd pause on moving in together, things do become more intense when you live together and can't escape and given that communication isn't good, I think you could be storing up trouble.

OP if I were you I would read this very interesting thread, every sinlge post of it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

and after that, decide NOT to move in with him.

It's a disaster waiting to happen, with your boyfriend sounding like a classic example of the unworkable kind of parenting the women on that thread found that they simply couldn't deal with, and after a while, couldn't subject their own children to either.

You'll be expected to use your time, your happiness, your agency, all in the pursuit of making it up to his son that his parents aren't together.

His lack of parenting is going to impact on your child negatively.

Don't do it - he isn't up to it, and you and your DD will be the ones who suffer.

I have been in your boyfriend's exact position.
My dp queried my kids being at our house when it was not "my" week.

I was pretty annoyed at him. My kids are free to go between their parents over and above set times and I believe this is healthy for everyone.

I hope you can see each other's viewpoint.

He doesn't do anything for my DD,

Does that not bother you? You are planning to have her living with a man who does nothing for her ?
Does she even like him ?

@nimbuscloud I mean he does nothing for her because I do it all. He doesn't live with us so it would be me doing whatever for her. If I asked him to help her with something then he would (she was yelling about a spider in her room the other day so he went in and removed it). My DD likes him.