School closures - AIBU to make my stance known now

[BabyMayB]

Our primary schools are currently open round here but I know it's a concern that they soon won't be.

I am off work on annual leave for January and then starting maternity at the end of Jan (baby due Feb).

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to.

AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now? I do not want to be in a position of having a newborn and also looking after DSC all day on my own and I think to be perfectly honest, it'll be expected unless I make sure it's known now.

Parent is a keyworker so they can go to school but I know during last lockdown they really didn't want them to so I'm happy to facilitate that during Jan until baby is here but after that, I'll expect other arrangements to be made, at least for a little while?

More than fair tbh I'd say no for January if they can go to school. I was ill and exhausted last 3 weeks of pregnancy and barely managed work let alone childcare.

Thanks. I don't want to be unreasonable as I know it's hard for everyone right now. I really have helped throughout as much as I can including having DSC when I've been WFH when needed. I've done everything I can to make sure DH and their mum by association have been as unaffected as possible in terms of work.

But I just don't want to set a precedent that's expected to continue when I've just given birth as well and think I need to make crystal clear now so it's not expected.

Why do I feel guilty though arghjh?!

Sounds reasonable to me. I have 2 DC in nursery and am due dc3 in march. I'm a key worker as is DH and they will continue going to nursery once dc3 is born if I can help it.

@BabyMayB

Thanks. I don't want to be unreasonable as I know it's hard for everyone right now. I really have helped throughout as much as I can including having DSC when I've been WFH when needed. I've done everything I can to make sure DH and their mum by association have been as unaffected as possible in terms of work.

But I just don't want to set a precedent that's expected to continue when I've just given birth as well and think I need to make crystal clear now so it's not expected.

Why do I feel guilty though arghjh?!

Have you been reading the other thread where op is being slaughtered for saying no? Dont feel guilty you clearly posted in the right area for support and your not in the wrong

For me it would depend a bit on the general relationships - ie are you generally left to do the donkey work for your DH when his DC are with you or is he usually hands-on. Does their mum appreciate your input or are you expected to pick up the childcare slack but stay out of decisions etc?

If you’re generally treated as a parent with some responsibility then I’d say it would be fair to treat you as another parent when schools close if it enables the other parents to continue working. If you’re being taken advantage of then I wouldn’t be doing January either tbh.

Totally set the boundaries now!

Do not do too much in January either as you still need rest as once baby comes it'll be rare.

I wouldn't offer as much childcare as you did last time otherwise it could be a massive impact when it changes when baby is here not just for the adults but for the dc too.

I would actually go forward with an arrangement now that you can continue (with dh's help) when baby is here. Otherwise dc or their mum may use it against you when your baby arrives and you drop contact by however much.

YANBU

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

For me it would depend a bit on the general relationships - ie are you generally left to do the donkey work for your DH when his DC are with you or is he usually hands-on. Does their mum appreciate your input or are you expected to pick up the childcare slack but stay out of decisions etc?

If you’re generally treated as a parent with some responsibility then I’d say it would be fair to treat you as another parent when schools close if it enables the other parents to continue working. If you’re being taken advantage of then I wouldn’t be doing January either tbh.

In all honesty yes I feel like I can be left to do a lot of the donkey work sometimes. Not all the time but I have had to have words before about it.

And no, I'm not really involved in any decisions. I very rarely speak to their Mum.

DH is self employed so won't be taking official paternity leave but will be having some sort of time but tbh I doubt it'll be two weeks. I obviously wouldn't expect him to say no if he's here anyway. I'm talking about when it's just me on my own.

Absolutely not being unreasonable at all!!! You need to focus on your little baby, the SC aren't you responsibility. You do a lot for them when with you but having a new born and having to look after school age children all day...no way!

I have a 7 month old and I'm dreading it if they close schools where we are, last time SD did get to continue to go as mum is key worker but I did have to go and collect quite a lot which messed up baby's nap routine.

Don't feel guilty, I don't know about others but I'm fed up of feeling guilty all the time when we shouldn't, there enough things to feel guilty about in life, as a Mother but for some reason even more so as a SM...I think it's because we're expected to just suck everything up and get on with it! rant over x

I would not be happy if DP had to look after his kids during the first few days of having a newborn baby...would this be your first child together? I said to my DP that we needed 2-4 days just us when I came back from hospital, it's a brand new, exhausting time and you really don't need the added stress and responsibility, it's also not unreasonable to want to have DPs full attention for once, just for a couple of days whilst you and the baby settle in. I bought up how important that was for me in the last month of pregnancy as with the added anxiety of lockdown, being in hospital on my own etc was too much and he totally understood x

YANBU, I've literally just had this conversation with DH because he was debating taking them out of school early before the inevitable nationwide school closure U turn.

It would be different if there mum, who has never and will never work, did home schooling when they were with her but she will just stick them in front of screens the whole time and I know the work will fall to me when we have them (we have them 40%) even though I work full time as does he.

The difference with taking them out early vs the schools.prkperlg closing means there will be no remote learning in place from the school.

As a PP said, don't feel guilty, your DP needs to start putting plans in place now that give you the much needed time you need with your newborn.

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to. AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now?

Youve already made sure your stance is known. You've already told your dh. What was his reply?

It was said very briefly and whilst he agreed I could tell he wasn't really listening. I also imagine expectations and pressure will be higher when shit does hit the fan and they actually close.

I was going to bring it up again to say I really do mean it about after the baby is here and that I think he needs to speak to their mum about coming up with a plan between them early as possible should that happen because I won't be a back up because he hasn't planned for it properly.

In that case id raise it again, but ask him what HIS plan is for his children when the schools close? And leave him to answer. If he says you, then you know what he thinks of your feelings and boundaries and you can then repeat your position. But best case he will either have a plan or be considering a plan that does not involve you.

What you’ve suggested is more than reasonable. Just say it again very clearly to your partner and make sure he’s listening.

They’ll have to work it or between them like all other parents. They’re lucky they have had you for an extra carer so far this last year anyway.

I think you're being very reasonable and it's up to your DSC's parents to arrange childcare between them, and they'd be very unreasonable to expect you to provide it when you have a newborn.
You don't know how you'll be feeling after giving birth. Your priority has to be yourself and your newborn then.

Yanbu. This is your maternity leave and it’s whole purpose is for you to be with your baby. Don’t fall in to the trap of looking after your dsc while on maternity leave because if you do it once they’ll both (yes the ex too) will expect it again and again.

I’ve seen this scenario pop up so many times where the stepmum has a baby and goes on maternity leave and everyone expects her to look after the dsc when schools are shut (school holidays). And in this case school closures because of covid as well as school holidays. It’s really annoying that people actually expect this.

@harryclr

I would not be happy if DP had to look after his kids during the first few days of having a newborn baby...would this be your first child together? I said to my DP that we needed 2-4 days just us when I came back from hospital, it's a brand new, exhausting time and you really don't need the added stress and responsibility, it's also not unreasonable to want to have DPs full attention for once, just for a couple of days whilst you and the baby settle in. I bought up how important that was for me in the last month of pregnancy as with the added anxiety of lockdown, being in hospital on my own etc was too much and he totally understood x

I disagree, the father has responsibility for all his children not just the newborn.

@funinthesun19

Yanbu. This is your maternity leave and it’s whole purpose is for you to be with your baby. Don’t fall in to the trap of looking after your dsc while on maternity leave because if you do it once they’ll both (yes the ex too) will expect it again and again.

I’ve seen this scenario pop up so many times where the stepmum has a baby and goes on maternity leave and everyone expects her to look after the dsc when schools are shut (school holidays). And in this case school closures because of covid as well as school holidays. It’s really annoying that people actually expect this.

I agree with this - when I had my first baby this happened to me. Once DH had gone back to work after two weeks paternity, I got sucked into this trap and I was childcare for the whole of my maternity leave. My second is due in March and I’ve been quite clear that this WONT be happening again this time. You live and learn.....

Yanbu OP. They are his responsibility. Let him sort it out between him and his ex. If you give an inch, he may well take a mile.
I would also be very careful with how much you do in January. You will need your rest before your baby arrives so I would take your foot off the accelerator now and start applying the brakes.

I think that’s perfectly reasonable if you’re saying it now - encourage for their keyworker places to be taken up in Feb, but if school insist you can’t pick and choose then I wouldn’t fret about sending them in January as well.

I disagree, the father has responsibility for all his children not just the newborn.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble no one is saying he has to drop responsibility for them.
I don’t think having a couple of days without them though is unreasonable when you arrive home having just given birth and are adjusting to how much it can take out of you along with the demands of a newborn. That takes precedence in this situation.

If the dsc can go to school as children of keyworkers, then they should do that.

If their mum or dad (not the OP) decide to homeschool them, let them crack on. But the OP is not part of that plan. She shouldn't be unpaid childcare for someone else's children, not unless she actively wants to be.

I think if you're happy to have increased risk of covid entering your home this is one way to go.

But tbh, I think yab unreasonable. We all have more to do during this very difficult period and refusing to help now, when you don't know what will be happening in February, seems unwise.

Teacher here - keyworker provision is completely different to normal school. I understand parents worrying about children packed together during normal schooling but I really don’t think there’s any need for their mum to worry about it when it’s just the keyworker children. I think you’re right to make it clear it’s only the first couple of weeks you can help with and then it will need to move to them going back to school.

@inquietant out of interest, are you a step-parent and if so, were you happy to run around after someone else’s children when you were heavily pregnant / had just had a baby?

The OP isn’t being “unwise”. In fact I think she’s got her head screwed on thinking about this now before she’s expected to turn into Mary sodding Poppins whilst juggling her own newborn. The SC aren’t her responsibility. If she wasn’t in her partner’s life then he and the ex would have no choice but to crack on and parent.

One of the most important aspects of being a step-parent is carving out the role that you feel comfortable with and if this is the decision OP has made then people should respect that.