School closures - AIBU to make my stance known now

[BabyMayB]

Our primary schools are currently open round here but I know it's a concern that they soon won't be.

I am off work on annual leave for January and then starting maternity at the end of Jan (baby due Feb).

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to.

AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now? I do not want to be in a position of having a newborn and also looking after DSC all day on my own and I think to be perfectly honest, it'll be expected unless I make sure it's known now.

Parent is a keyworker so they can go to school but I know during last lockdown they really didn't want them to so I'm happy to facilitate that during Jan until baby is here but after that, I'll expect other arrangements to be made, at least for a little while?

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet you sound very defensive and angry.

There are many approaches to step parenting and blended family life.

I really have done 'more' during this time. I've helped with childcare (whilst working myself and also bring pretty ill) all throughout last year and am still offering to do what I can before baby is here.

But why is it unwise to make sure he knows as early as possible so he has chance to make other plans before Feb? Surely it's unwise to not say anything and leave it until the last minute to say actually by the way I'm not carrying on doing this.

But why is it unwise to make sure he knows as early as possible so he has chance to make other plans before Feb?

It isn't. It is very sensible

You're being very reasonable OP.

It involves your OH engaging and doing something that involves difficulty (planning kids' time rather than relying on you and forgetting about it). You're going to have to be extremely clear, possibly to the point of feeling you're being unkind/unfair/rude.

If you're feeling anything like that when/after speaking to him again, clearly, it's because he's not respecting you and your boundaries, not because you're in any way unreasonable here. Stand your ground.

Also, when you're home with baby, get your PJs on and go to bed with baby. And stay there. Firstly you don't ever get another chance to do this and it's a great way to get some rest and secondly, when you're in PJs it sends a message that is very different to when you're dressed and looking presentable. I'm not talking about wearing lounge wear, very specifically pjs and dressing gown. If you go out for walks, come in and get changed back to PJs. It's very, very hard to look at someone in PJs and think they're fully ready to deal with anything! And it also helps if you have any visitors to make sure they don't over stay their welcome 😉 So make sure you have a dressing gown you like!

Op you may be unwell post birth and need to rest pre birth as well as post birth.
I was extremely unwell post birth and had the dss for 10 days as soon as I arrived back from hospital. It was a bad decision for everyone involved, which I had zero say in BTW. I wish they had come met their sibling for a few hours, then I'd got a few days to myself to bond and try to recover. If I ever have another this will be happening and my existing ds will spend a day or two with nanna.
Get some rest, hopefully your birth goes to plan but it may not and you will need your maternity leave for its purpose.
If you don't set boundries now then it will cause resentments.

There are many approaches to step parenting and blended family life.

And the op’s approach to stepparenting is that she doesn’t want to look after her stepchildren while she’s on maternity leave.

I think she’s very smart making this a known concrete fact now rather than in February. That way her DH and his ex won’t expect anything.

If I had a newborn, I would be more worried about catching covid than homeschooling. Wouldn't want flu with a newborn, let alone covid. I think it is unwise to predict what covid cases will be like in your area by Feb, so unwise to assume at this stage keyworker school provision in Feb is the best option for any of you.

Thank you.

I think whilst having some time after baby is here with DH alone would be nice, I won't push hard on that given the situation and everything else going on. So long as he is here. The way our set up is, I think if they were to come after birth it wouldn't be more than a couple of days at one time, it certainly wouldn't be 10 I can't imagine! But I absolutely won't agree to have them on my own when DH isn't here post birth, as you say I may not physically be able to anyway depending how things go.

I think it is almost funny how often step mums are looking after step children in lockdown, to the benefit of the DH and the ex wife

The DH and ex wife basically recruit a free nanny through the step mum

And the step mums accept!

So many men who have 50-50 dump the kids on the new partner. It’s extraordinary to me that step mums put up with this!

That's what I meant by 'unwise'.

I don't mean using keyworker provision was unwise, I meant deciding a fixed plan now was unwise.

I really feel for anyone trying to plan a birth at the moment

@inquietant

If I had a newborn, I would be more worried about catching covid than homeschooling. Wouldn't want flu with a newborn, let alone covid. I think it is unwise to predict what covid cases will be like in your area by Feb, so unwise to assume at this stage keyworker school provision in Feb is the best option for any of you.

I guess that's why they need as long as possible to make other arrangements that aren't me then if that were to be the case? I.e. childcare bubble with relative.

I'm not necessarily expecting a fixed plan right now. Just so long as he knows I can't be it once the baby is here.

They may decide to choose school place and ask a relative to do childcare if schools aren't open for example. I just want to make it known that I won't be 'the plan' should schools close, including for KWs.

But I absolutely won't agree to have them on my own when DH isn't here post birth, as you say I may not physically be able to anyway depending how things go.

That I think is 100% sensible and should not even be questioned.

[quote inquietant]@FoxtrotOscarPoppet you sound very defensive and angry.

There are many approaches to step parenting and blended family life.[/quote]
Not angry at all. I do get defensive though when some people think that step-parents should automatically slot into the role of childminder. Especially at such an important time when OP needs to prioritise herself and her newborn rather than someone else’s children.

I notice you didn’t answer my question though. 🤔

I don't mean using keyworker provision was unwise, I meant deciding a fixed plan now was unwise.

The op is saying that IF the schools are closed, she won’t be looking after the stepkids. I don’t see what is so unwise about that.

It’s extraordinary to me that step mums put up with this!

I guess for the past year I've just seen it as doing what I can in a weird situation. I have probably made a rod for my own back though I admit.

Op you sound really caring but now is a time for you to rest and put yourself and your baby first. You worked hard for your annual leave.

Your DSCs have two parents to arrange their care. If you want to help occasionally then fine, but from what you’ve said, your DP already has a pretty casual approach to the support you provide.

It would be different if he told you how much he really appreciated any childcare you provide and didn’t take advantage, but in your shoes I wouldn’t be signing up for long stretches of being taken for granted, esp with a newborn.

Please be kind to yourself and enjoy this time.

Any rod made for your own back can always be broken, or at least reshaped

I hope it all goes ok.

For what it is worth, my babies' older siblings were a real benefit to me and I remain grateful for all the time they played with my first which at least meant I could drink a cup of tea!

I would start as you mean to go on. I wouldn't be providing childcare in January either. They'll become reliant on it and you'll find it difficult to resist requests after that because "you did it before and we'll do this, that and the other to make it easier."

I'm not a step parent btw and there's no way I would expect or hope for childcare from my children's step parent under your circumstances.

OP no you are not unreasonable.

I suggest you find a close family member or friend whose home you can stay in with your newborn for a few days now if he tries it.

And "yes" I am a step parent but I was also a step-child.

Really? So you would expect him to ditch his children? What would you have done if they were yours too? Ship them off somewhere? You're fucking nice aren't you!
Oh get a grip, no child is going to be traumatised by not seeing a parent for 2-4 days. It’s fine to prioritise your wife and newborn straight after the birth. My eldest stayed with my mum for a few days after my youngest was born so I could get my strength back.
Also you’re discounting the fact the OP is a first time mum and the SCs aren’t her children.

Attitudes like yours are completely ridiculous. Plenty of parents take a break from older bio kids after an operation or birth for a day or two.

@ThatDamnKrampus and aren’t you “fucking nice”

To be honest, if the situation with infection rates is still as dire as now, I would suggest that the right thing to do it's to have them in feb, they can help you for starters. Just say you can't actually teach them but can sit them at the table for them to do online school or whatever. Unless they are particularly badly behaved or have an, primary school aged kids don't need masses of supervision as long as they have what they need for the day, which their parent can set up before leaving for work. Far easier than managing a toddler and newborn! Anyway your dp will get paternity for 2 weeks too