School closures - AIBU to make my stance known now

[BabyMayB]

Our primary schools are currently open round here but I know it's a concern that they soon won't be.

I am off work on annual leave for January and then starting maternity at the end of Jan (baby due Feb).

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to.

AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now? I do not want to be in a position of having a newborn and also looking after DSC all day on my own and I think to be perfectly honest, it'll be expected unless I make sure it's known now.

Parent is a keyworker so they can go to school but I know during last lockdown they really didn't want them to so I'm happy to facilitate that during Jan until baby is here but after that, I'll expect other arrangements to be made, at least for a little while?

I’d talk to him about it soon in case schools close soon.

Op some schools may not have room to accommodate an extra child in February. Keyworker children need to be booked in as it’s only so many children per bubble. It may be fine in Feb but then again it may not. I would advise that they get a place in January.

If you wont have the half siblings then he will have to take time off work and share the load with his ex as he has more than one child to look after. If she doesn’t want to use the key worker provision that’s understandable, lots want to keep their children home currently due to the cases and new strain.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If you wont have the half siblings then he will have to take time off work and share the load with his ex as he has more than one child to look after. If she doesn’t want to use the key worker provision that’s understandable, lots want to keep their children home currently due to the cases and new strain.

Yes I understand that, I've not suggested that ex should have them the whole time. It's between them both to sort out if they don't want to use the KW provision.

If she doesn’t want to use the key worker provision that’s understandable, lots want to keep their children home currently due to the cases and new strain

And whilst I appreciate this, it's not a decision I am part of or have any say over so I don't think I should then have to be the one who deals with the consequences of it.

If they as parents decide to not use the available school place then surely they should be the ones to work out the logistics of how they'll sort childcare between them, not make a decision without me but expect me to deal with the repercussions of it?

@BabyMayB

If she doesn’t want to use the key worker provision that’s understandable, lots want to keep their children home currently due to the cases and new strain

And whilst I appreciate this, it's not a decision I am part of or have any say over so I don't think I should then have to be the one who deals with the consequences of it.

If they as parents decide to not use the available school place then surely they should be the ones to work out the logistics of how they'll sort childcare between them, not make a decision without me but expect me to deal with the repercussions of it?

Yes, absolutely.

It's a three way discussion? Fine. Then your decision would be to use key worker provision, as none of the adults are available to do full-time childcare. She's working, he's working, you're giving birth and caring for a newborn.

It's a two-way discussion? Fine. Their decisions factor you out: their solutions also factor you out.

If she refuses to use the key worker provision then that's fine, but it's up to her to provide an alternative. If she wants to, but your husband doesn't - then it's his problem.

Make this crystal clear now, because I do foresee a point where it will suddenly be - 'Oh, there are no spaces now.' In that case, they will need a childminder, or parental leave.

Very fair imo. You're not usually involved in the decision making which is fine (I presume?) but that means they don't get to factor you into the solution. Their children, their work, their problem - not yours. I wouldn't be childminding in Jan either tbh.

Well as suspected DH is in a huff. He won't admit it's because I've said this but it 100% is.

I sat down with him and said look I'm a bit worried about this whole school closures thing. I am concerned that I am going to be expected to provide as much help as I did last year and I can't commit to that this time round, especially when the baby comes. He just said 'yes I know'. And then when I said do you think you should speak to their mum about what arrangements are possible I just got a really grumpy 'you don't need to say it again'. And he's now had a face on him all evening so evidently he was just hoping I'd back down and do it so now he's pissed because I've made it clear I'm not going to.

I don't know why i feel like I have to fucking justify myself to him and almost apologise for daring to say I won't be able to provide all week childcare for him and his ex with a newborn!!

I get everyone is stressed at the moment but there are other people that could help, I feel like I'm the only one who's ever expected to.

They have family, their mum has a partner, they can even go to bloody school as KW children FFS?! Why do I feel so guilty.

Don’t let his sulking make you feel guilty @BabyMayB.

His children can go to school. If neither him nor his ex can homeschool them, then that’s what they should be doing.

You wouldn’t even be unreasonable if you weren’t going to give birth imminently. You are not obliged to be childcare for him and his ex.

I’d feel guilty tbh and whilst I’m usually for parents doing everything, if it meant both could work I can’t imagine saying no just because of a baby. It’s a pandemic not normal circumstances. Presumably you benefit from his salary so if he has to work less then there’s less money, seems a little shortsighted when there’s an adult at home all day.

Why do I feel so guilty
You feel guilty because you’ve been taken for granted previously and you’ve ended up convinced it was all your job because your DP seemed so sure that it was.
I stopped feeling guilty about having stronger boundaries the day my DS was born. He is my top priority and I cannot feel guilty for being the best mother to him that I can be. Yes I still help DH and his ex with various things, and I’m happy to do so, but if it is to my DS detriment then no, it’s not happening and they will have to sort their own child out between them.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d feel guilty tbh and whilst I’m usually for parents doing everything, if it meant both could work I can’t imagine saying no just because of a baby. It’s a pandemic not normal circumstances. Presumably you benefit from his salary so if he has to work less then there’s less money, seems a little shortsighted when there’s an adult at home all day.

Can you explain why you think parents should get to unilaterally make decisions (i.e. not using KW school place) but expect other people to deal with the responsibilities that come with making said decision?

It's for the parents to decide if they want to send these children to school or not, I don't think anyone would argue that a step mother should get to decide that. But then it's also for the parents to sort out if that's the decision they make.

If they can't make that decision without relying on someone else to pick up the shortfall then it's not a decision just for them.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d feel guilty tbh and whilst I’m usually for parents doing everything, if it meant both could work I can’t imagine saying no just because of a baby. It’s a pandemic not normal circumstances. Presumably you benefit from his salary so if he has to work less then there’s less money, seems a little shortsighted when there’s an adult at home all day.

With respect, I am the ONLY person who has helped during this. This is the first time I have ever said no. Why can no one else help for once?

And I don't just rely on my husband's salary. I was bringing home more than him before maternity! I have helped him substantially whilst he's set up his business, not just via childcare but my extra work and taking on extra responsibilities etc... It's not been easy at all.

This is the one time I've had to say no.

You really don’t have to justify yourself, @BabyMayB.

You are your husband’s wife not the nanny. You are under no obligation to just get on with it and provide childcare because he and his ex don’t want to send their children to school.

They should both be extremely grateful that you did it at any point.

You do not have to justify yourself.

You might, however,have to make it clear to your husband that you expect just the level of autonomy as both yourself and a parent, to make decisions which are the best for you and your child, as he supports his ex to do.

Or perhaps he would find it easier if you went elsewhere to find real family support in your early maternity days, if you clearly aren't going to get it from him?

I'd be really, rally unimpressed with the huffing. Frankly, school closures aren't the biggest upheaval about to happen in your family - the new baby is. He needs to see that. It needs to be where his energy is directed. You are the person who needs support here, not the ex who has several other sources to deal with the childcare issue.

If he lets you down at such a vital time, I don't imagine it would be easily forgiven.

Thank you.

I feel like I'm not allowed any agency over my own life and decisions and have to wait to see what other people are going to decide first before I get to make any.

Pleased that you spoke to him op. I had the same huffing from partner once I withdrew all support for 3 weeks. His changes his tune sharpish and now we get a say in what works for us as a family.
Well done for making that clear now. He wants kids at home great then he gets to home school and do running around for his children. That's parenting.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d feel guilty tbh and whilst I’m usually for parents doing everything, if it meant both could work I can’t imagine saying no just because of a baby. It’s a pandemic not normal circumstances. Presumably you benefit from his salary so if he has to work less then there’s less money, seems a little shortsighted when there’s an adult at home all day.

Both parents can work by using the school as children of key workers?

They don't get to choose NOT to send the children to school when they can if they expect the OP to pick up the childcare.

(And by the way it is not 'just a baby' it is the OPs first baby and that is a big event for her. She doesn't yet know if she will manage fine or not - both scenarios are possible and valid)

@BabyMayB

Thank you.

I feel like I'm not allowed any agency over my own life and decisions and have to wait to see what other people are going to decide first before I get to make any.

Do you have somewhere to go as a backup if things get ugly?

Honestly, once the baby comes you'll feel super vulnerable and if he's going to bully or put pressure on - well, being put under stress in the first newborn weeks is something that is VERY hard to forgive. And for it to be just so that he doesn't have to inconvenience his ex - um, really not workable.

Hopefully if you need to, you could eg go to your parents for a couple of weeks when baby is here?

Perfectly reasonable. I also would have set my stall out. Not your children = not your problem. Your husband and his ex will need to step up.

I think you need to be like a broken record on a couple of key points:

• you have been the only person so far to help out with childcare. Now YOU need support with caring for a baby, in a different way. Where is his support for what makes your life easier, after all your support for what made his life easier?

• school closures are not the biggest upheaval about to happen in your family. The arrival of a new baby is. Is he going to prioritise your needs having just given birth, or his ex's wants around a childcare issue which has other options to sort?

• he needs to speak to his ex right now. If he isn't going to, then you are going to assume the worst - that he doesn't have your back, that he would prefer to see you upset rather than her, and that as a result you're going to think about other options for the emotional support you know you'll need in the early days.

Hopefully this will sort itself out, but to be honest he sounds like a bit of a bully - and happy to throw YOU under the bus because you're more of a pushover than his ex. Change that dynamic right now.

Why should you have them if their own dad won’t?...they have a school place it can be used youre about to have a baby you’re allowed to say no. Sorry but I wouldn’t expect my ex new partner of wife to take on that responsibility even if she was my best friend.,if I had school access they could go to. If you don’t say no now then it’ll be harder to say no later on. Set your precedent now. Rest and enjoy your annual leave and then mat leave. This should not be EXPECTED of you!! Don’t feel bad, your partner should be ashamed expecting you to and not stepping up himself or speaking to his ex and asking her to use the school provision they are entitled to?! this cannot come down to being in any way your fault

And the other thing - the most important thing is this - something he won't see, until if it happens - and then it will be too late.

If he fucks this up, you will find it REALLY hard to forgive - him, and his ex. Especially when you've been happy to see the value of his own relationship with his children, been willing to prioritise them and his relationship with them. If he waits until you are at your most vulnerable, with your new first baby, and he shits all over that most precious time by showing you that actually, that support and that value given to the needs of a parent and their child only goes one way - he could fuck things up properly. And you'll find that no matter how hard he tries after that, you won't feel the same about him, or his kids, or that this is a dynamic you want to be in.

Now is the time he needs to step up for you and say to his ex, sorry - THIS is what needs to happen because the baby takes priority, obviously.

Just like every one of the many, many times when you have evidently been told - Sorry, this is what has to happen because me and ex's kids take priority.

It's kind of the reckoning.

Absolutely what Yoni just said.
We had a bit of a set to back in April last year and I told DH he was free to prioritise what suited his ex and his 8 year old over his heavily pregnant wife and 10 month old baby in the middle of the first wave of a global pandemic, I’d deal with it and be making some very big decisions as soon as I was able.
It would have showed me exactly how important I am and been the end of our marriage.
We are still married. Ex was fine. Everyone was fine. But i didn’t roll over to suit everyone else. The resentment would have killed our marriage another slower way.

Poor kids