School closures - AIBU to make my stance known now

[BabyMayB]

Our primary schools are currently open round here but I know it's a concern that they soon won't be.

I am off work on annual leave for January and then starting maternity at the end of Jan (baby due Feb).

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to.

AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now? I do not want to be in a position of having a newborn and also looking after DSC all day on my own and I think to be perfectly honest, it'll be expected unless I make sure it's known now.

Parent is a keyworker so they can go to school but I know during last lockdown they really didn't want them to so I'm happy to facilitate that during Jan until baby is here but after that, I'll expect other arrangements to be made, at least for a little while?

Why??? They have 2 parnents to provide care and a stepmum who cares about them but can't provide care due to being heavily pregnant or having a small baby.
Childcare unless paid or gifted voluntarily is the sole responsibility of parents (or those with parental rights) which the op is not.

“Poor kids” will be fine, either they will be in school, with one of their parents or another relative. They will be more fine than OP would be if she were bullied into taking them when she’s at her most vulnerable

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Poor kids

Why do you think this?

The children won't end up on the streets. Their parents will sort something, whether that be school, themselves or another relative. It just won't be me. What is poor about that? Millions of children in the same situation right now, being cared for either by school, parents or relatives.

And again to clarify I am not saying I don't want the children here at all. They will still be staying with us the normal amount of time when their Dad is here. Which will likely include some days that he may have to take off work.

They just won't be on their own with me. Why is that poor them?

but can't provide care due to being heavily pregnant or having a small baby

There would be many many only children if that were the case

I’d wonder about my repaid a partner refused to help out when we were meant to be a family.

Again, I'll ask because you haven't answered... Why is it okay for parents to make a decision which they expect someone else to pick up the responsibilities of without including them in said decision?

And I'd expect any partner to support a heavily pregnant wife with their existing children.

Anyway it's irrelevant, these children have two parents who are responsible for them. Why should the step mother suck it up and get on with it but the parents don't have to? Funny that.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

but can't provide care due to being heavily pregnant or having a small baby

There would be many many only children if that were the case

I’d wonder about my repaid a partner refused to help out when we were meant to be a family.

And most have never had to homeschool their existing young children whilst caring for a newborn.

Poor kids - they MIGHT just have to put up with their mother, their father, their grandparents, their school, possibly other relatives taking care of them instead of their stepmother who is selfishly going to be busy with a newborn baby

Oh the horror. How will they cope?

I’d wonder about my repaid a partner refused to help out when we were meant to be a family

How come it's only the step mother who has to help out? Why can the husband not help her out by taking care of his own children which his wife has been doing for him for the past year?

@BabyMayB I do fear you'll still be left in the position of looking after them unless you are very clear and specific to both your DH and the SDCs DM that you will not look after the SDC after X date ( or preferably from now so they can get a key worker DC place)

Your DH will do nothing unless you tell him specifically what you won't do, rather than expressing a vague concern about the future.

I mean - say mum was not a keyworker, parents dead, OP's husband away on an oil rig and no school place and no options for childcare. That would p[robably be different - but it isn't.

There are about five other options for childcare in front of OP in terms of the duty of care to the children, up to and including grandparents who are at least blood related to the children... it shouldn't even be an option that the expectation falls on the ONE person in the extended family who will be - entirely busy with a newborn, likely sleep deprived, possibly physcially recovering from birth and even clinically vulnerable.

Why is this even an option at all? Why, because she's the easiest person for the other parent to dump his shit on without repercussions, that's why.

[quote rookiemere]@BabyMayB I do fear you'll still be left in the position of looking after them unless you are very clear and specific to both your DH and the SDCs DM that you will not look after the SDC after X date ( or preferably from now so they can get a key worker DC place)

Your DH will do nothing unless you tell him specifically what you won't do, rather than expressing a vague concern about the future.[/quote]
I do worry too but I know it sounded wishy washy on here but I think he definitely knows that I mean it. That's why he's being grumpy.

I can't tell the kids mum myself, I don't speak to her. I've told him he should probably discuss it with her so they can figure something out but he just told me I don't need to mention it again so all I can do is leave that to him.

meant to be a family and “you knew he had children” are the two most unhelpful, arsey little lines used against a step mother who dares to think that what she needs is actually of some importance and tries to make her boss realise this.
Whoops sorry I meant husband/partner.

I agree ‘meant to be a family’ is emotive bullshit thrown at SMs who dare not to just put up and shut up.

Thing is, a blended family is not like a nuclear family. It is just not. So whatever expectations you might have in saying ‘meant to be a family’ just do not apply to a blended family.

These children have parents. They can sort this. The kids can just go to school, like many other children.

Expecting your wife to suck it up and provide childcare whenever it suits you and your ex is not reasonable. That’s not ‘support’. It’s seeing her as a bloody housekeeper/nanny.

I agree that this is a moment that will matter in your relationship @BabyMayB. How he supports you, or not, in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first few weeks after the birth will be crucial. You don’t just get over it if the man who made all those promises to love and support you fails to do so when you are as vulnerable as you’re ever likely to be.

My DH did not support me at the same point and it has fundamentally and irrevocably changed how I see him. Longer term who knows how it’ll play out, but I know for a fact that he was not there for me when I needed him and he wouldn’t look past the angst he created about his children in relation to it. It’s not something I’ll ever forget.

Hopefully your DH won’t make the same mistakes as mine.

Thing is, you can “be a family” without creating a horrible master/servant dynamic.
You can also “be family” without assuming full equal parental responsibilities for the children in that family who you played no part in creating.
My uncle is my family. He’s my uncle, not my dad. My DSD is my family, but I’m not her mum. Let’s just be honest about the relationships rather than placing unreasonable expectations on them then getting shitty when you feel you are let down.

I’d feel guilty tbh and whilst I’m usually for parents doing everything, if it meant both could work I can’t imagine saying no just because of a baby.

“Just because of a baby”.... Fucking hell. How offensive and rude! That’s the op’s baby and she’s about to become a first time mum. I’d say all of that is much more of a priority to her right now than anything else... including committing to looking after her step kids.

It’s a pandemic not normal circumstances.Presumably you benefit from his salary so if he has to work less then there’s less money, seems a little shortsighted when there’s an adult at home all day.

If I was her I’d happily rather take the dip in money than be a childminder day in day out. The stepkids have TWO parents and a school place each. There are other options than using the op for childcare just because she’s on maternity leave with her baby.

Oh and let’s face it. If these were normal circumstances, I bet any money the school holidays would try and fall on to the op too! And certain people on here would be cheering for it to happen.

If this is a family situation then it’s not a totalitarian regime surely? I like to think a family discusses and negotiates things. Rather than OP being instructed about what she is doing for children that aren’t hers and she made no decision about bringing into the world. Whilst being quite busy with a newborn. It is thankless being a step parents clearly. But you always need to be there to care for the children, give them whatever they want (even if it’s yours, thinking of a recent thread!) etc. She’s not proposing locking them in a basement and feeding them Turkey twizzlers once a day There is a lot of dramatisation and projection going on here

"Meant to be a family"

"Just because of a baby"

I'd be interested to know your background @IceCreamAndCandyfloss and whether you have experience of step parenting, because you pull the same nonsense on every thread you are on.

Others have already addressed the vomit inducing emotional manipulation that "you're meant to be a family" is and how ridiculous it is to assume being part of someone's family means you have the same rights and responsibilities as an actual parent 🙄🙄🙄

But "just because of a baby"? Not only is that goady and offensive, it's also bloody stupid. I had an EMCS with my DD followed by further complications, I couldn't walk properly for weeks, I was only in a position to be supported, not to support others. The idea that I could have looked after a couple of other primary aged kids at that time is a fucking joke. Having a baby is not always straightforward and no big deal.

But "just because of a baby"? Not only is that goady and offensive, it's also bloody stupid. I had an EMCS with my DD followed by further complications, I couldn't walk properly for weeks, I was only in a position to be supported, not to support others. The idea that I could have looked after a couple of other primary aged kids at that time is a fucking joke. Having a baby is not always straightforward and no big deal.

Absolutely. I also had an EMCS (very close to a GA and a vertical incision according to the midwife, and a very traumatic labour all round). It’s not a joke to try to recover from.

Even if you have a lovely labour with no issues at all, it’s still bloody hard with a newborn. It’s never ‘just a baby’. Especially when it’s your first baby.

@KumquatSalad Exactly! I was dead on my feet purely out of exhaustion after DD was born, even setting aside the EMCS. If my SC had been in my care at that time the likelihood is all he would have seen was me ignoring him in a tired daze, disappearing to nap whenever DD did (as is generally recommended for new mum's), not leaving DDs side to tend to him ever because she was so small and breakable in my eyes, and also occasionally bursting into tears.

Such exemplary childcare!

OP might handle having a newborn really well but equally she might have a variety of issues, including PND. I never understand how posters that supposedly have children can be so clueless about the immediate aftermath they would think it was no big deal.

I think it’s only not a big deal if you are a stepparent on MN. Everywhere else, a new mum can’t be expected to do anything. But if her partner has children from a previous relationship, then she’s got no right to complain. She knew what she was getting in to? And the baby is only a second family. They’re less important. 🙄

We had the DSC here from almost the minute I got home from the hospital with DS3. It was horrendous. Much more so than if they were all my children because I wouldn’t have had divorced dad bullshit eroding what little support I got. Indeed, what I got was a ‘poor me’ routine about how ‘his paternity leave’ was being taken up with his older children and a whole load of crap because I was busy looking after a tiny baby (and trying to recover from major abdominal surgery). Added to that he tried to make me feel guilty for anything he did for my DS (like driving him to swimming because I could not physically drive) and often I just had to do things no reasonable person would be expected to do (like walk a child to a swimming pool with a newborn while recovering from a section).

All because he couldn’t deal with the mismatch in his own feelings because the DSC were not the centre of (everyone’s) attention and because he’d rather have been spending time with the baby rather than entertaining his children/dealing with their behaviour. Obviously the thing to do would be to take it out on the woman who’s just given birth and berate her with the same ‘we’re supposed to be a family’ crap we’re seeing on here.

Entitlement and divorced dad guilt are a truly hideous combination. As I said, it’s not something I’ll ever be able to forget.

Other people’s kids are more tiring I think. You don’t have the bond to absorb annoying behaviour, you don’t have the authority to make decisions or discipline them. These things then take up emotional energy to continue to be calm and kind etc. when actually you might rather not be around them for a bit because your last nerve isn’t about to be shredded. People forget this.

Op your not Mary Poppins!