School closures - AIBU to make my stance known now

[BabyMayB]

Our primary schools are currently open round here but I know it's a concern that they soon won't be.

I am off work on annual leave for January and then starting maternity at the end of Jan (baby due Feb).

I have said to DH that I am happy to help if needed during January if schools close but if it goes on past Feb, I will not be able to.

AIBU to make sure my stance on this is known now? I do not want to be in a position of having a newborn and also looking after DSC all day on my own and I think to be perfectly honest, it'll be expected unless I make sure it's known now.

Parent is a keyworker so they can go to school but I know during last lockdown they really didn't want them to so I'm happy to facilitate that during Jan until baby is here but after that, I'll expect other arrangements to be made, at least for a little while?

Oh and I would be picking up the phone and talking to their mum, she can be honest about her concerns and you yours, I would be more concerned about them attending school and bringing covid home than keeping them at yours all the time (not that mum would like that I'm sure). Be adults about the situation, this is a national emergency and what is best for the kids is important

I've already said that DH doesn't get 'standard' paternity leave. He is self employed. He will take some time but I doubt it will be two weeks. I have also said I don't have a problem with DSC being here whilst DH is here. I'm talking about when I'm on my own post birth.

I'm also unsure as to how you can say easily that they can 'help' me. You don't even know how old they are they are primary school children, they do need supervision throughout the day. Unless you're suggesting all the parents on MN who've been saying how difficult they've found it whilst their kids have been off are lying and they could just leave them at the table to get on with it all day?

Anyway, that wasn't what was up for discussion tbh. I'm not doing childcare post birth. I've no need to discuss that with their Mum. DH and their Mum can discuss their plans between themselves.

@movingonup20 but they’re not the OP’s children and she is perfectly entitled to me prioritise what’s best for her and her child.
Biological parents should never expect or pressure stepparents into looking after their children. I have never once expected my DP to look after my children and in times where I have required help I’ve asked him and I would not have been cross if he hadn’t.

Yes these are exceptional circumstances but it’s up to the parents to make arrangements for the SCs.

Than keeping them at yours all the time (not that mum would like that I'm sure)

And there is no way mum would allow them to stay with us full time. That's never even been on the table so I'm not sure what the relevance is.

Time to have a proper sit down conversation with DH about parenting and step parenting before baby arrives? Lots to think about in terms of keeping on supporting them and working as a team.

I would keep stating ‘from later January to early March at least I will be in late pregnancy/newborn stage and I’m going to need to do less, so can we figure out what that means if schools are closed?

YANBU

You might struggle the last few weeks before you're due as well. With my first, I was ok up until the birth (she was a bit early though), but with my second pregnancy I was absolutely shattered in the last two weeks. Had a nanna nap every afternoon!

My eldest stayed with my mum for a few days after my youngest was born so I could get my strength back.
Obviously that's fine if that's what you wanted to do and it worked for you. However it wouldn't have crossed my mind to do that and I've never heard of anyone I know doing it either. I couldn't wait to see my dc after having a baby and for them to meet each other. I would have hated for them to be not to be there.

@ScrapThatThen

Time to have a proper sit down conversation with DH about parenting and step parenting before baby arrives? Lots to think about in terms of keeping on supporting them and working as a team.

I would keep stating ‘from later January to early March at least I will be in late pregnancy/newborn stage and I’m going to need to do less, so can we figure out what that means if schools are closed?

I think the thing is, I am not very involved in decision making between the two of them. I don't speak to their mum other than the occasional polite chat at the door. I don't have her number, I am not involved in any conversations between them about the children.

I agreed to help DH with childcare throughout lockdown as he needed to take on more so ex could go to work so I essentially took on his extra so that he could also continue to go to work as I was WFH and furloughed for a little bit too so I didn't mind.

Therefore I'm not sure what else I can do other than to tell DH what my thoughts are on this i.e. after Jan, they will need to come up with some other options. I can't really figure out what that means for them should schools close as I'm not involved in those decisions, I can only really make my own in this situation and then leave their parents to decide from then on iyswim?

@WestSideBoom I didn’t say I didn’t see my eldest DC after the birth, I did... but my mum took care of her for a couple of nights so I could recover. No one is saying “don’t see your SC” but there would be nothing wrong with having them come to visit for an afternoon then go back to their other parent’s house.

However it wouldn't have crossed my mind to do that and I've never heard of anyone I know doing it either
How very odd, almost every 2nd time mother I know had help from grandparents or aunts/uncles with the older DCs in the few days after birth. Particularly if it was a traumatic or caesarean birth.

Again, it’s irrelevant to this context as the OP is s first time mum and the child in question is not her child. She is the one who will go through labour and will need a bit of time to recover and recuperate, not her DH.

When you were furloughed it was a nice thing.
When you were wfh you already created a rod for your own back. Why is your work. The least important of the three?

Definitely set your limits, decide that the children come round to see dh and stop being cinderella. Then decide what you will say when there's an 'emergency'

Why is your work. The least important of the three?
I agree with this 100%.
During the big lockdown DP’s Ex kept saying she “needed a break” from their kids and kept trying to send them here more. She doesn’t work (never has) and I really had to put my foot down and hammer it home that I was working from home and also homeschooling my own kids.
I also made it clear that I wasn’t willing to have them here every weekend either as I was completely frazzled and DP is a key worker who was forced to work ridiculous hours to cover furloughed colleagues.

His ex kicked up a stink until I literally spelled it out for her...
“So you expect me to work full time whilst homeschooling my own children and also look after your children whilst you sit on your own in your house having a break? No. Not happening.
I need a break too but I’m not getting one”.

So many men who have 50-50 dump the kids on the new partner. It’s extraordinary to me that step mums put up with this!

And reading the relationships board, theres also a lot of men who cannot even house their children over night until they find another woman to move in with to hide their parental failings.

Op, dont make it a big deal, just say you've been looking at the news and what is his plan if the schools close again?

And reading the relationships board, theres also a lot of men who cannot even house their children over night until they find another woman to move in with to hide their parental failings.

So true! The ONLY reason my ex was able to house, feed, clothe, pay maintenance and pay for everything else for his eldest (my former dsc) is because he was with me and therefore he had more money. And our children’s existence increased the household income too which his eldest also benefitted from. I FIRMLY believe his child only got provided for by him because of me and my children being around.

Now that we’re not together anymore he’s on his own and now can not afford a place big enough to have any of his children and doesn’t have enough money because he now doesn’t work through choice.

His ex wife should be eating humble pie now. She used to bang on about how her child was apparently losing out on so much because of me and my children, when in fact her child was gaining a lot because of us. Now her child gets nothing from ex just like mine don’t.

When you finish annual leave, and go on maternity leave, then your DH should realise that is what it is - maternity leave. Not unpaid childcare leave.

You need those last few weeks to rest, not cater for other people's children. It is not even you saying you need leave, it is the government who provide it for pregnant women. So even more should DH and Ex respect that, already being parents themselves

You are being unreasonable to yourself. If parents are key workers children should be in school in January. You need to rest and mentally prepare for your own DC birth. You might need to nap or prepare freezer meals for after the birth. Leave it to parents to make arrangements for their children while you prepare for your own.

caringcarer is spot on. You should use January to rest and prepare for your little baby arriving. You shouldn’t have to provide childcare for your DH and his ex - their children can be in school.

Let’s team this right down.

Ex wife’s priorities

1. her work
2. her children

DHs priorities

1. his work
2. his children (or maybe that’s giving him too much credit, I don’t know)

Your priorities

1. your work
2. your children

If they try to guilt you into prioritising their work and their children I’d let them hang themselves trying to justify it without basically telling you that you are just staff and what’s important in your life doesn’t really matter that much in this blended situation. Then DH can further tie himself in knots explaining why this is a relationship that you should choose to continue in.
It’s that big a deal. You are as important as anyone else. Any suggestion that you aren’t tells you all you need to know.

*break this down, not team it

I agree with the others. Don't give up your January. The children can be in school as their parents are key workers. This is not your problem.

You need to take care of you and enjoy this last month before your baby comes along.

I would assume the children are going to school and if your dh says otherwise ask who will look after them? If their parents don't want them in school that is for their parents to work out. Of all the times you can just put yourself first this is it!

It is ridiculous that the January option is even on the table to be honest - they can go to school. It may not be what their parents would prefer, but the notion that their preferences should come before what you consider best and healthiest for you in the late stage of pregnancy/newborn stage is absolutely not on.

I would be very firm on this. You will not be in a position to be an active responsible childminder. If there was literally no other option, your DH would have to take time off. But there is an option - they can go to school like every other keyworker child.

I honestly think too that you really need to think about the potential for infection with your newborn too. I would be very anxious about that - not sure realistically what you can do though.

Yanbu

Half term is in February so make sure that they have a plan for that too.

I'd be a bit concerned that if she doesn't get a key worker place for SDCs now, there won't be one available in February. We've been told for our school that key worker child places are much more restricted than they were in initial lockdown as most teachers will be providing online teaching and therefore need spaces for their own DCs.

I'd therefore be saying no childcare this time round or you'll end up with them post birth regardless.

I don't think you should volunteer for all of Jan. Set a date say 18th Jan when they can't rely on you for help. You need and deserve a rest before your baby arrives. Even if all kids were yours they would be at school 6 hours a day (or paid childcare) so you could sleep, nest etc

Covid adds a difficult dimension to these conversations.
You shouldn't be doing full time childcare for your SC when you're due. My advice is to take it easy for a couple of weeks before your due date.
Don't agree to childcare by yourself for at least 6 weeks. You will need time to heal and get used to looking after your baby. By all means have your SC round when their Dad is there. Personally I don't agree with the philosophy of having a few days by yourself after the baby is born because it can make the older kids feel pushed out, which is unkind. But their Dad needs to step up and be the one who is looking after you all.
My DSC's were really keen to see the new baby and I think I came home to a houseful! Kids and my Mum, but actually it was really nice and I had lots of helpers. I get that might not suit everyone but I had had a C-section and could hardly do anything!