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Original poster

Arguments over DH not challenging his ex - driving us apart

51 replies

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:01

I've just had yet another argument with DH over his reluctance to communicate properly with his ex over arrangements for DSD.

She's due to come to us tomorrow for a week. DH had hoped to have her for a little longer as she won't be going back to school as planned, her school is not reopening immediately due to the lockdown. But once again, he hasn't actually arranged or agreed this with his ex, instead he's kicked the can down the road so that they'll end up having to have the battle while DSD is with us.

He broached the subject with his ex 2 weeks ago by email, but she just ignored his email and didn't reply. With him due to pick her up tomorrow, I had to nag him yesterday to contact his ex to discuss it, because I think it's FAR better to arrange these things beforehand rather than leave it to become an argument during handover! He eventually wrote ex an email, and she replied refusing to allow him the extra time.

He has now run out of time to really challenge it, and I'm so frustrated with him for not sorting it earlier. It's also unfair on DSD to not know how long she's coming to stay with us for.

This is a constant source of arguments for us. He doesn't have a formal consent order, and relies on ad-hoc arrangements to see his DD EOW. His ex is constantly difficult, makes him do all the travelling despite her being the one to have moved several hours drive away, and often curtails his time with DD to suit her own plans.

I've been urging him to contact a solicitor to get the ball rolling for more formal and fair arrangements. But he's dragging his arse every step of the way, and it is causing arguments.

I think it is because he's terrified of challenging her, because he's scared she will just make matters even harder for him. But that means she calls all the shots, and he has to bend to her every whim just to see his DD.

It is driving me to despair and the arguments always escalate before we see DSD, to the point that it is damaging us.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 27/12/2020 15:11

Then back away. Leave him to his ex stress. Leave him to shop /cater and clean for his dd.
Find yourself way way too busy to give a fuck.

Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:17

To be fair he does do the majority of that stuff while DSD is with us. But he's crap at making the arrangements.

It happened a few weeks ago too, on one of our weekend visits. Turned out he had 'forgotten' to arrange a pick up time with ex. She told him what time she wanted DSD home, which was way earlier than he had expected, and because DSD was with us, it was too late and too emotionally charged to get into that argument, so he had to give in and lose half a day with her.

I just keep telling him, for his own and DSD's sake - to make these arrangements when he has plenty of time and space to think about it, and time to challenge it if it's not fair. Leaving it to the last minute never benefits anyone, because he always has to give in to her to avoid the fight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:18

And I cant wrap my head around why he's so reluctant to get a court order. He keeps saying he's too busy, or too stressed, or it isn't the right time. I think he's just scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:20

They've been separated 3 years by the way, so there has been plenty of time. And the arrangements have always been deeply unfair to him, his ex hasn't made any effort whatsoever.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/12/2020 15:20

Not your fight
She’s due to come for a week. So she will be there a week. You and she know how long she will be there.
Stop falling out over it. Stop nagging. Leave him to it.

Reluctantsportsmum · 27/12/2020 15:21

Why are you fighting his battles for him?

Nomoresleeps · 27/12/2020 15:25

I agree, let him get on with it.

In this instance, she is already coming for a week so it’s not like he is having to fight to see his child at all. It sounds like he is ok with the arrangements more than you are.

Starseeking · 27/12/2020 15:29

Step back, and think about how formalising these arrangements (or lack thereof) impact you personally OP. If they don't affect you or your plans at all, I'd step away and let him get on with it. You sound far more bothered about it than he does, and as you have no control over the situation, that way madness lies.

SeasonFinale · 27/12/2020 15:36

He is being ridiculous. In the situation where ex wanted dsd Back earlier he could have said it was not convenient and taken her back later.

He needs to formalise the arrangements in a court order. I assume they are not divorced yet either.

GlowingOrb · 27/12/2020 15:38

You know how long she is staying. He asked. She declined.

It’s always a good idea to have a legal agreement because it provides a default setting for when people aren’t being cooperative so it’s worth pursuing, but he has to take the lead. It also wouldn’t change the current scenario. If the agreement is a week, she doesn’t have to agree to a change just because he asks.

LittleRa · 27/12/2020 15:40

Sorry but I agree with PP to just leave it, not your battle. Do you have your own children OP?

TragedyHands · 27/12/2020 15:43

But you married him Confused he has an ex and a child.
Surely, this isn't new behaviour from them both.

Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:45

Yes they are divorced, but no consent order. He had hoped they would just make arrangements amicably.

She has never prevented him from seeing his DD, but just makes things difficult around the arrangements.

It only affects me in so much as it stresses him and makes him tetchy in the run up to visits, when he is arguing with ex over the details. I don't have DCs, and I'm flexible to accommodate them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:47

@TragedyHands

But you married him Confused he has an ex and a child. Surely, this isn't new behaviour from them both.
It's not new behaviour ,no. It has always been like this.
OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 27/12/2020 15:58

My OH has a very formalised contact order.

He’s had it written into the court order by a judge that all requests (and they have to be in writing) should be responded to within 4 days (as she won’t respond). If she doesn’t respond it’s given that the request is approved. Still 7 years later the EW usually ignores the request & doesn’t respond - so it is taken as given (and there’s a vitriolic rant from her).

My advice would be....

Don’t get involved. These women love a he drama & you are fuelling her fire.

He needs a formalised contact order. While he doesn’t have one, she holds the power.

My OH went on a parenting course to help him deal with his high conflict EW (as she is so impossible to deal with and it was affecting us). What he learnt was - you can’t control these people, you can only control how you respond. Keep that in mind. When I feel my blood pressure rising due to her batshittery I chant this to myself.

Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 16:04

He’s had it written into the court order by a judge that all requests (and they have to be in writing) should be responded to within 4 days (as she won’t respond). If she doesn’t respond it’s given that the request is approved.

Wow - that would make life so much better for a start! I had no idea they could order such things.

But yes, youre absolutely right I shouldn't get so involved. It's so hard when I see it impacting him. I'm pretty bloody good at reading her, and I can see her pitfalls a mile off, so I try to help him avoid them. But it takes its toll on me when he doesn't listen to my advice and falls into her traps every time.

OP posts:
WhatsAParlay · 27/12/2020 16:05

OH has a high conflict EW. I used to get stressed the same way you do over dancing to her tune all the time. Now I really couldn't give a crap. They're his DCs, I just let him get on with it now. It's not my battle and I want none of the bollocks and batshittery. My life is much calmer now.

Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 16:20

I wish I could get to the point where I don't get stressed about it... how do I get there!!???

OP posts:
Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 16:45

Ive just tried telling him that I don't want to be involved in the detail of his discussions with his ex any more, and he has hit the roof telling me I don't get to cherry pick how I support him.

So he's demanding my support but also fighting against it.

OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 27/12/2020 16:45

Has it not occurred to you that he may like the drama as much as his ex may like the drama. The failure on the part of both of them to get a court order ensures that they will need to have a certain level of additional communication.

If either of them found this additional communication troubling, they had easy access to a court order.

If their past relationship was filled with drama and conflict, this may just be their particular way of relating.

If you step back and leave this ball in his court, he will handle it in the way that is most comfortable for him. What you are viewing as stress on his part, may just be his regular and ongoing acknowledgement that the ex is paying attention to him. For some men, not unlike some children, they would rather have negative attention than to have no attention at all.

You should not involve yourself if pickups or dropoffs, and you should not engage in discussions about these matters. Let the 2 of them have their crazy dance around these issues. Clearly, both of them are gaining something from the unnecessary drama.

Wolfiefan · 27/12/2020 16:45

Why did you have to say you didn’t want to be involved? Just stop nagging!
Sounds like you’re just spoiling for a fight TBH.

Original poster
ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 16:48

I've no idea if he likes the drama - I don't think he does. I think he is just a classic ostrich who hides his head in the sand and hopes it will all be ok.

You're right though @Wolfiefan I'm not handling this very well. I told him I just didnt want to get involved iwth the the discussion any more, and ithas escalated things even more.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/12/2020 16:55

I think you just need to change your mindset. You don’t need to “handle” this at all. He does!

MzHz · 27/12/2020 16:57

@Wolfiefan

Not your fight She’s due to come for a week. So she will be there a week. You and she know how long she will be there. Stop falling out over it. Stop nagging. Leave him to it.
Absolutely this! Ffs, leave him to it and let him manage it.

Let him do the heavy lifting, it’s his job. Stop trying to manage stuff that you don’t need to.

Surely your own life has things you can manage that are worthwhile?

I honestly wouldn’t sweat it. Let your oh deal with it and the consequences of a backbone deficiency

MzHz · 27/12/2020 16:59

You just listen, say “oh dear” in appropriate places, “you must be very inconvenienced by this” and “oh well, not much you can do really”