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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Arguments over DH not challenging his ex - driving us apart

51 replies

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 15:01

I've just had yet another argument with DH over his reluctance to communicate properly with his ex over arrangements for DSD.

She's due to come to us tomorrow for a week. DH had hoped to have her for a little longer as she won't be going back to school as planned, her school is not reopening immediately due to the lockdown. But once again, he hasn't actually arranged or agreed this with his ex, instead he's kicked the can down the road so that they'll end up having to have the battle while DSD is with us.

He broached the subject with his ex 2 weeks ago by email, but she just ignored his email and didn't reply. With him due to pick her up tomorrow, I had to nag him yesterday to contact his ex to discuss it, because I think it's FAR better to arrange these things beforehand rather than leave it to become an argument during handover! He eventually wrote ex an email, and she replied refusing to allow him the extra time.

He has now run out of time to really challenge it, and I'm so frustrated with him for not sorting it earlier. It's also unfair on DSD to not know how long she's coming to stay with us for.

This is a constant source of arguments for us. He doesn't have a formal consent order, and relies on ad-hoc arrangements to see his DD EOW. His ex is constantly difficult, makes him do all the travelling despite her being the one to have moved several hours drive away, and often curtails his time with DD to suit her own plans.

I've been urging him to contact a solicitor to get the ball rolling for more formal and fair arrangements. But he's dragging his arse every step of the way, and it is causing arguments.

I think it is because he's terrified of challenging her, because he's scared she will just make matters even harder for him. But that means she calls all the shots, and he has to bend to her every whim just to see his DD.

It is driving me to despair and the arguments always escalate before we see DSD, to the point that it is damaging us.

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 27/12/2020 17:02

If he found the drama to be particularly stressful, he would have gone to court to get an order in place. Obviously, he prefers drama to an impartial and legally binding solution.

Wishitsnows · 27/12/2020 17:24

If he's not doing anything about it just leave him to it. If he complains to you just say well you can do something about it if you choose to and wander off. If he doesn't see his dd not really your problem.

Magda72 · 27/12/2020 17:25

Has it not occurred to you that he may like the drama as much as his ex may like the drama. The failure on the part of both of them to get a court order ensures that they will need to have a certain level of additional communication.
I think @Tiredoftattler is totally on the ball with this.
@ClarencesWings he may say/think he hates the drama & is unaware that he is locked into a very old and familiar pattern of behaviour with his ex but really he's thriving on it in a really toxic way.
I was in therapy for years & one very valuable lesson I learned is that while I am not a dramatic person I was when with my exh. What I mean by that is he was/is very dramatic (result of a drinking issue) & I - over the years - got so enmeshed with him & his behaviour that I got trapped in a cycle of dramatic interactions with him even after we separated. It's a type of codependency which takes a long time to unpick & unravel & stop.
His lack of court order would have me believing that while he hates the stress he's also so used to & familiar with it that to end it would leave a hole in his life thus further emphasising his nrp status.

toobusytothink · 27/12/2020 17:34

Following with interest. OP you could be me. I always seem to get more wound up than he does and really really really need to find a way of just letting him get on. But his ex is so horrible to him and I get protective. Reading all this advice on how to take a step backwards and I try but find it so hard and it causes me no end of upset. So if you are find the magic switch to make you not give a anymore and leave them to it then please let me know ...

Tiredoftattler · 27/12/2020 17:46

@toobusytothink
Maybe you are not just being protective, maybe you have assumed a role in this unnecessary drama. You partner now has a predator and a protector. You may be as enmeshed if this drama as your partner and his ex. You may all be getting some level of satisfaction from your assumed roles in this drama. An effective solution might provide a gaping hole in your triangular relationship.

toobusytothink · 27/12/2020 18:00

@Tiredoftattler thank you. You’re absolutely right I have! Thing is - if he doesn’t tell me I think he’s hiding stuff from me but if he does then I get wound up so he can’t win. Problem is that she would walk all over him if I didn’t step in - or at least that’s my opinion, maybe I should try and trust him to be strong but he always says he just does what he does for an easy life. I just get upset because that means she always gets what she wants and that does sometimes affect us if she won’t agree to which nights he has kids etc. I just try to help him stand up for himself. But I’m probably just making matters worse. I’m going to really try and just enjoy being with him

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 19:13

You just listen, say “oh dear” in appropriate places, “you must be very inconvenienced by this” and “oh well, not much you can do really”

Great response.

Add in "mmm" " yes" " that's not good" "what can you do about it?"

If he says anything about your responses, tell him you're not suggesting anything as he doesn't take your advice.

He sounds very passive where his Ex is concerned, yet he's not passive with you is he.

gurglebelly · 27/12/2020 20:02

Personally if he moans about it I'd be telling him to either shit or get off the pot (apologies for the crass analogy)

He either sorts it out properly via the courts, or stops whinging about it.

Moaning but doing nothing to change the situation is not something you will support him in

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 20:44

I think he's just terrified of rocking the boat with his ex, as he doesn't want her to make it more difficult than it already is.

Who knows whether she'll make it more difficult - maybe she will.

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 27/12/2020 20:48

he has hit the roof telling me I don't get to cherry pick how I support him
This is just brilliant. He’s expecting to put you through all this nonsense week in week out until his DC are adult, with no regard whatsoever for the toll this will take on you and your marriage, and he’s expecting you to not protect yourself in any way from something damaging which you have absolutely no control over?
I got to this stage with my DH before we were married. His ex had stopped contact again with his DD, he was in a terrible place because of it (can’t even remember what ex problem was that time), and he was dragging me down with him. Support is fine and dandy but I told him I wouldn’t be standing by and letting another woman’s tantrums have such a negative effect on my life. I couldn’t control what he or his ex did but I could certainly control whether it had anything to do with me or not. I was there when he went to see a solicitor, it was all straightened out out of court as that was enough to make his ex realise he was serious, it’s mostly been fine ever since.
And the extra monthly payments to the solicitor that would have paid for court if it came to it were refunded and paid for my beautiful engagement ring

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 20:56

Support is fine and dandy but I told him I wouldn’t be standing by and letting another woman’s tantrums have such a negative effect on my life.

Exactly this. Her unreasonable behavior, and the extra hoops we have to jump through because of her - plus the massive impact it has on his mental health (and his DD for that matter). I don't want to keep making concessions for his ex. I want his contact to be on his terms, and fair to all of them.

OP posts:

Wibble01 · 27/12/2020 21:37

OP how old is the child.

With my eldest he got really fed up of ex after a big fallout. He stayed at mine and refused to go home.ex went mental but ultimately realised she was fucked as basically she got played at her own game as with no court order there is no need to return the child. Obviously the child needs to be happy with this and the next stage may then need to be something formal but it has completely changed yhe access with my eldest (still a game with the younger ones mind)

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 21:45

She is 13 but we live in a different area to her mother, so she can't stay with us during term time as we're too far away from her school. A decision to move to live with her Dad would mean changing schools. That's not to say she hasn't thought about it though. She loves her Dad, and knows how much he adores her. She has mentioned it a couple of times.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 21:47

Mind you once she realises she doesn't actually have to go back this early because she's not immediately going back to school - she may exercise her own will.

OP posts:

Wibble01 · 27/12/2020 21:56

@ClarencesWings

Mind you once she realises she doesn't actually have to go back this early because she's not immediately going back to school - she may exercise her own will.

Yeah thats initially what happened with me as he was home schooling back in the Summer. It's a bit risky and a bit of brinksmanship but at 13 will fully open the girls mind to what is possible.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 21:57

Why don't you just stay out of his drama he doesn't sound like he particularly wants to have his daughter longer because he could have asked earlier he could have got a court order he hasn't bothered you are the only one who is bothered ffs he CBA to arrange a pick up time with his ex but you blame her for wanting the child back early? Do you not think she is pissed off at him for being so.....limp and uninterested she might think she is saving her daughter from an uninterested father

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 22:09

He couldn't be further from an uninterested father. He adores her. Desperately wants her for more contact time. He's just scared of the ex kicking off if he asks.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 27/12/2020 22:10

What @MzHz said. And if he asks you directly what he should do or what you think say 'you know best, I'm sure you'll sort it out' on repeat.

If he does all the travelling, though, I'm not sure why he doesn't just say he'll bring her back when it works for him, or according to the original plan, when his ex changes things. What can she do?

Original poster

ClarencesWings · 27/12/2020 22:19

She kicked off when he refused - said DD would be desperately tired for school the next day. So she had her home by 2pm, rather than the planned 6pm so it was hardly late! But those few hours made all the difference to what we could do that day, cutting short our plans.

DH didn't fight it because DD was with him and he didn't want her to witness any argument.

OP posts:

MzHz · 27/12/2020 23:30

I had oh ex telling us what we needed to watch on telly

Yeah right. fuck that

But my oh will fight to the death to preserve the peace we have, if ex doesn’t play nice, she gets no cooperation whatsoever and it hurts her way more than it hurts us. We’ve taken away her teenage bargaining chip. So it’s all on our terms all the time.

Your oh has no backbone and is in serious danger of becoming a bit of a feeble creature. That’s not good for a relationship so he’d better work that out before you call time on him.

In the mean time leave him to it.

Songbird232018 · 28/12/2020 02:05

@ClarencesWings I totally get this... my OH is rubbish at planning times for pick up and drop off plus extra holiday time etc it's always last minute and as much as it doesn't affect me I'm a control freak and I need order. Plus I like to know exactly when the kids will be coming and going for shopping needs extra.

His ex is also a bit rubbish so they just plod along day by day unless it's the summer holidays.

I lose my temper quite a lot and it's not because I don't want them here etc but I'm someone that needs a schedule and a plan on the calendar unfortunately they are both not those people so I've had to learn to live with it a little and where I can I make sure I get a plan and it's concrete.

Unfortunately I'm 7 years in and it's no better so you may have to just try and which off a little for your own sanity :)

Justbecause88 · 28/12/2020 15:45

I used to feel like this, honestly it will erode your relationship and cause unnecessary arguments between the 2 of you. It’s absolutely shit to have to deal with an ex like DSD mother but she will never change. Leave DH to fight his battles, sounds like he’s trying to have an easy life by not battling his ex. The main thing is that DH has access to his daughter. Yes it’s so frustrating for you but it doesn’t actually matter. 5 years down the line and my DH is much better then he was but still let’s a lot side. We have a lot less arguments now that I let things go though so overall happier!

winterw · 30/12/2020 10:04

I feel for you. We have a batshit ExW of very high conflict caused by drinking and being a very bitter women she is very difficult with everything !
The 2 DSC are now a bit older one 18 and the other 16 so she don't have as much say now as they start making up there own minds with contact and how much they see Dad.
They now arrange contact between themselves then when arrangements have been sorted out between them ExW will get a email outlining what's happening or they DSC will just tell her the arrangements.
EXW still will message DH usually making a issues saying along the lines like you cannot see them or some other made up batshit stuff he just don't reply to her drama anymore! and it carry's on as arranged.
The DSC even say to just ignore her so they are getting to know what she is like!
From memory he can start arranging with his daughter times when they turn 14yrs as if in a court of law they do start asking the children at this age what they want to do you would have to check this as it's from memory !
As for yourself you do have to start looking after yourself as I went through everything you are but you have to remove yourself from the conflict between them my hubby just didn't tell me in the end which stopped a lot of the arguments but I did think like you what are they talking about behind my back ! You just have to trust him and they are a ex from a reason and that is because his is a drunk and likes to cause arguments and is plain crazy and don't have a life that's basically it ! once you start thinking these thoughts things will change for you and you remove yourself as what's the point in wasting your time and effort on just batshit crazy I got better stuff to do then you take control 😊

LockdownLucille · 30/12/2020 15:25

I’m in a similar position OP, it’s been many years with us and I agree with other posters who advise you to disengage. If you’re anything like me you’d spend valuable emotional energy listening, supporting and working through solutions only for it to be a total waste of time because partner will never do anything that might start the mildest of conflicts with their ex! I now will listen, make non committal noises and not let it become my stress zen

LockdownLucille · 30/12/2020 15:29

Also what is with these men arranging everything other email/text? I get that then it’s in black and white but I’m always saying to my partner to phone or have a F2F chat when he sees his ex at the house to take some of the heat out of it and be on more friendly terms (which again he always agrees is a better idea as she’s not a bad person or anything and it would probably be a better way to communicate but then he never follows through). Ok maybe I’m not quite as zen as I thought 😉

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