I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

you see it on here that every weekend should be devoted to a his nr children.

Every weekend?! Leaving mum with no quality time weekends at all with her own kids?
I would have absolutely hated if my DD had gone to her dad's every single weekend. When would I have taken her out myself and had quality time and fun with her? I'm struggling to get my head around why any mother would choose or want that.

Well that's even more outrageous than the kid or the dad having a problem. It's got the least to do with her what the kid does on Dad's contact time! Imagine the other way around - you dictating to her where and with whom she should spend her time. Imagine that'd go down well 🙄

Exactly! She’d tell me to fuck off and that it’s none of my business.
I tried to say the similar to her, but she came back with,
“Well if it affects (dsc) then it becomes my business.”

But it didn’t affect dsc. It affected her and her ego/insecurities because her child wasn’t at the top of my list that day and she couldn’t hack it. Sounds familiar with some attitudes on here doesn’t it?
Dsc had a day with dad chilling at home with nobody else around. If that’s the way they wanted to spend their day together then fine. They enjoyed themselves. Dsc wasn’t bothered at all.

Ex wife also forgot the tiny little important detail that dsc was favoured a lot by ex’s family, which she knew full well about and also played a part in even though ex tried and failed to put a stop to it. So she had the absolute cheek to have a go at me when she knew about all of that other stuff going on. It’s the way she had the absolutely cheek to say how hard done by dsc was.
Dsc got a day alone with dad.
Dsc got plenty of trips out with other family members including my parents at other times.

So I’m still baffled to this day how it “affected” dsc that their little siblings got a day building sandcastles, eating ice creams and go on the caterpillar ride and dsc didn’t.

Every weekend?! Leaving mum with no quality time weekends at all with her own kids?
I would have absolutely hated if my DD had gone to her dad's every single weekend. When would I have taken her out myself and had quality time and fun with her? I'm struggling to get my head around why any mother would choose or want that.

Oh no, sorry! I meant every weekend he has them!

But it didn’t affect dsc. It affected her and her ego/insecurities because her child wasn’t at the top of my list that day and she couldn’t hack it.

Nail on the head! This is the source of a lot of the bitterness, anger and projection by exWs. It's so deeply painful to them that their children aren't the centre of everyone's world. I can't imagine having such an entitled attitude myself. Anything my DDs stepmum did and still does for her above and beyond what her Dad does, I feel nothing but deeply grateful for. But never in a million years would I expect her to do those things! They are bonus added extras to her time with her Dad. So long as she wasn't actively unkind to my DD, she could bugger off every weekend my DD visited if she liked. Would make no odds to me as long as my DD's Dad was there to care for her.

What happens in these women's minds?!

@funinthesun19

Every weekend?! Leaving mum with no quality time weekends at all with her own kids? I would have absolutely hated if my DD had gone to her dad's every single weekend. When would I have taken her out myself and had quality time and fun with her? I'm struggling to get my head around why any mother would choose or want that.

Oh no, sorry! I meant every weekend he has them!

Ahh I see! Still ridiculous. It's shouldn't be "devoted" to any one person or people within a household. 🙄 A family works as a family. That includes everyone, not just stepkids.

@YoungScrappyHungry

Can the posters who are starting to pop up asking us why we are with our partners/husbands kindly bugger off. This feels, for once, like a safe thread to vent. (For the record my DH is fucking amazing and does everything for his kids, we just have differing parenting styles, as many birth parents also do)

If you have genuine questions, start your own thread to get answers. Don't come on here ruining an up-until-now very relieving and helpful thread for what is most of the time and thankless task.

Your DH is a fantastic father to his child for his children, but...

* I don't think a 5 year old should watch a 15 rated movie*
I think if you threaten a punishment, you should follow through ,
I don't think drinking Dr Pepper at 8AM, having free reign of the snack drawer or constantly eating chocolate and sweets is okay
I think a 14 year old girl having an 11 year old boyfriend is fucking weird

Ok.

(And I’m afraid you can’t censor posts to fit with you how you wish to delude yourself about your partners fathering skill!)

Nail on the head! This is the source of a lot of the bitterness, anger and projection by exWs. It's so deeply painful to them that their children aren't the centre of everyone's world. I can't imagine having such an entitled attitude myself.

Yep! It’s so frustrating. They don’t realise that it just doesn’t work like that! Sure I took dsc out on other occasions and I was in dsc’s life for 10 years so had quite a strong relationship. Dsc wasn’t the problem and was/is good kid. But I had to make time for my own children on their own. This particular day was a day I wanted to do just that. It was none of the ex’s business how I chose to manage my time. Dsc was safe and wasn’t left home alone. If ex was working then I would have either taken dsc with me or arranged for another day so that I had that quality time with my dc. None of the ex’s business one teeny weeny bit.

Anything my DDs stepmum did and still does for her above and beyond what her Dad does, I feel nothing but deeply grateful for. But never in a million years would I expect her to do those things! They are bonus added extras to her time with her Dad. So long as she wasn't actively unkind to my DD, she could bugger off every weekend my DD visited if she liked. Would make no odds to me as long as my DD's Dad was there to care for her.

Exactly. If my children ever have a stepmum, this is what I will be like! I feel like because I have been a stepmum myself, I have a lot of empathy and understanding so I know what will be going through any stepmum’s mind regarding these issues. I won’t sit there kidding myself that my children are at the centre of her universe. Some women really do need a reality check!

@LouJ85

you see it on here that every weekend should be devoted to a his nr children.

Every weekend?! Leaving mum with no quality time weekends at all with her own kids?
I would have absolutely hated if my DD had gone to her dad's every single weekend. When would I have taken her out myself and had quality time and fun with her? I'm struggling to get my head around why any mother would choose or want that.

My DH had every weekend, birthday, Christmas for nearly a decade.

I have never been able to understand it either.

@Freakout11

He is a good father, despite these things. He and I have different views on how some things should be done, as many birth parents do too. I am not justifying myself or him to you, I felt good writing it all out and every parent figure needs to vent once in a while, even shock horror, step parents.

Why are you even here? Go away and leave us to enjoy a thread where we can be totally ourselves for ONCE.

@Devaki

See this is why I would never have a relationship with someone with kids. It’s hard enough with my own kids , I wouldn’t have the patience for someone else’s. Hats off to you ladies!

I mostly just watch from the sidelines while DP does the donkey work. It saves a lot of my own stress and sanity! His kids, he sorts them! Works for us

[quote YoungScrappyHungry]@Freakout11

He is a good father, despite these things. He and I have different views on how some things should be done, as many birth parents do too. I am not justifying myself or him to you, I felt good writing it all out and every parent figure needs to vent once in a while, even shock horror, step parents.

Why are you even here? Go away and leave us to enjoy a thread where we can be totally ourselves for ONCE.[/quote]
You sound well suited

I’ll leave you to it

@Isthisnothing

I'm a very wicked stepmother -

I wouldn't let them have final decision on naming their sister (my daughter) who they subsequently refused to acknowledge for the three years of her life
I refused to host Christmas day in our house on the understanding that they 'might show up at some stage depending on how they felt'. I told them that was fine and joined other family members of mine far away
I no longer care if they come to our wedding or not and am not including them in the planning

That all sounds very hard. I hope your fiance is supportive. And I'm very sorry about your little girl.

Ahh I see! Still ridiculous. It's shouldn't be "devoted" to any one person or people within a household. 🙄 A family works as a family. That includes everyone, not just stepkids.

See. That’s where you are wrong. When the children of a NR father walk through the door, everything else stops mattering. Everything and everyone must centre around their wants and whims.

Because, you see, those poor, poor children are from a broken home. And because they have the enormous disadvantage of having two homes (two bedrooms, two lots of toys, two lots of birthdays, two christmases, two lots of days out, two lots of holidays), they must be compensated by being put before everyone else.

It only applies in their NR parent’s house. Obviously.

In fact, the time when they’re not at that house should obviously centre around them too. Everyone should sit in suspended animation waiting for their return, when they can come back to life and make joy for the DSC. Only for the DSC though; otherwise they would be rubbing the poor wee lambs’ faces in the fact that they don’t live FT with both parents.

How could you imagine that all the people in a household could be equally important? Silly. Clearly you just think like an evil SM.

I am going to put it out there that being a SC is much more commonplace that it used to be. When I was at school 25 years ago there were a handful of kids whose parents were divorced, now in my SDs class her situation is in the majority and whilst not all kids parents were married, a lot of them come from single parent households or their parents never married. Its actually more unlikely that kids come from an intact family unit.

For this reason alone, my husband and I don’t think we need to make too many special allowances for SC. It’s now the norm and nobody needs cotton wool like treatment and I think the ‘fairytale’ evil step mother is just a narrative that kids and exes use for manipulation and is certainly far from the reality.

@KumquatSalad Thank you for explaining this to me. I fear this is where I have been going wrong. Taking time to suit me, instilling rules, not sitting around crying that they aren't here. I should change my ways.

How could you imagine that all the people in a household could be equally important? Silly. Clearly you just think like an evil SM.

Clearly! Silly me.

[quote MyGodImSoYoung]@KumquatSalad Thank you for explaining this to me. I fear this is where I have been going wrong. Taking time to suit me, instilling rules, not sitting around crying that they aren't here. I should change my ways.[/quote]
Of course.

Now go dig out the hair shirt that you should have received in the post the day you became a SM. 😁

@OldOrMaybeNotThatOld

I am going to put it out there that being a SC is much more commonplace that it used to be. When I was at school 25 years ago there were a handful of kids whose parents were divorced, now in my SDs class her situation is in the majority and whilst not all kids parents were married, a lot of them come from single parent households or their parents never married. Its actually more unlikely that kids come from an intact family unit.

For this reason alone, my husband and I don’t think we need to make too many special allowances for SC. It’s now the norm and nobody needs cotton wool like treatment and I think the ‘fairytale’ evil step mother is just a narrative that kids and exes use for manipulation and is certainly far from the reality.

I don’t get this.

The fact that something has become more common place doesn’t make it less potentially painful or unsettling for children.

Divorce has become much more common place. Doesn’t make it less painful to go through.

More painful than living in a house wi to unhappy parents? Not any less painful but no different to the other kids in the same household. Why should SC be treated any different to my kids who too get their lives upended every second weekend when visitation comes around. The situation has become normalized and I don’t believe I have to roll out the red carpet for kids who now have two happier homes. This is now their life, moving between two homes and I don’t feel the need to compensate for a situation that causes them less harm than if they were living in a house with two unhappy parents slugging out a marriage for the sake of the kids. Things are better now and everyone just needs to get on with it!

@OldOrMaybeNotThatOld

More painful than living in a house wi to unhappy parents? Not any less painful but no different to the other kids in the same household. Why should SC be treated any different to my kids who too get their lives upended every second weekend when visitation comes around. The situation has become normalized and I don’t believe I have to roll out the red carpet for kids who now have two happier homes. This is now their life, moving between two homes and I don’t feel the need to compensate for a situation that causes them less harm than if they were living in a house with two unhappy parents slugging out a marriage for the sake of the kids. Things are better now and everyone just needs to get on with it!

And it’s for this reason I am so happy and relieved that my ex, with whom I still get in very well with, and I have each bot had any relationship with a third party since e we divorced 7 years and we’ve agreed that if either do.... no one will move in until youngest is 18 (currently 11).

And we mean it. 7 years and going strong.

^^ what do you can both be miserable?

Can people stop derailing the thread and start their own, this is not what this thread was meant to be!

@LyingDogsLie1

^^ what do you can both be miserable?

Huh?

I’m very happy. Really.

As is my ex.
I don’t need a man to be happy.

And as and when I start dating, then no way would I want to move in with someone and no way would I want my daughters going through puberty and having to share their space, bathroom etc with a man that has only come in to their lives recently and is of no blood relation to them.

And it’s for this reason I am so happy and relieved that my ex, with whom I still get in very well with, and I have each bot had any relationship with a third party since e we divorced 7 years and we’ve agreed that if either do.... no one will move in until youngest is 18 (currently 11)

Fucking hell 🤣🤣 What a great example to set your child.

Anyway as expected this thread has been taken over by the infiltrators and the original intent lost. Was nice while it lasted, thank you again for starting OP.

And perhaps what I mean to say is that divorce is not the be all and end all of a child’s life anymore. My ss at 19 has just managed to scrape through school and has no desire to do anything but sit and play video games. His reason... he is a child of divorce. This is reinforced by his mother. Needless to say I am an evil step mother because I don’t pander to this self serving crap.