I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

@YoungScrappyHungry

And it’s for this reason I am so happy and relieved that my ex, with whom I still get in very well with, and I have each bot had any relationship with a third party since e we divorced 7 years and we’ve agreed that if either do.... no one will move in until youngest is 18 (currently 11)

Fucking hell 🤣🤣 What a great example to set your child.

Anyway as expected this thread has been taken over by the infiltrators and the original intent lost. Was nice while it lasted, thank you again for starting OP.

Hmmm I just imagine my girls growing up and saying

“We really feel we missed not having a random man join us in our tween / teenage age and our mum in our lovely m cozy home, meaning we could no longer spend evenings sprawled on the sofa in our underwear and face masks watching bake off, or wander around half naked from the bathroom, or sleep in mum’s bed when we have had a tough day etc. Despite fact Mum LOVED being a man single as her life was so full with work, friends, her sport and hobby”

Yeah, i see that happening

That’s such a negative way to look at life! Met my stepdad at 11 and he moved in when I was 12. He’s a second grandpa to my kids and I’m so glad he’s in my life. I went through all the usual teenage stuff and he was a great adult to have in my life at that time, he really helped my mum too cope with three teenage girls in the house! I can’t imagine how hard it was at times for both of them but if I and my husband split up, I know I wouldn’t want him to stay single out of fear of what a person not biologically related to them living in the house would bring!! Sounds to me like you’re happy with your set up but don’t assume the alternative is bad for other people....

Can you piss off now with this

I'm an evil stepmom for not allowing my DSS to take food that we buy for this house home with him. And if DSS or DSD ever find something in our house that's opened or started (think packet of 8 Kit Kat's with 4 left) we get a torrent of criticism. "Who ate all these?" Um we did, in the 10 days you've not been here this month.

I'm also an evil step mother for hiding treats in the house when DSS arrives every other weekend and games in his room all morning without saying hello to any of us, refuses breakfast and then mooches into the kitchen at midday and tries to make brunch out of 3 Custard creams and a bag of mini cheddars.

We're also terrible parents for ever spending any money on dinner when the kids aren't there. "You owe me a Wagamama's because you went without me" has been uttered before.

We had years of my husband's ex alienating the kids all money related despite paying exceptionally towards both of the children so this is just a boring ongoing theme.

I'm an evil stepmother because I (quietly) don't actually think my step son is very likeable or endearing and I don't think it is entirely due to bad parenting or the trauma of having separated parents.

@tenlittlecygnets oh gosh I'm so sorry, I totally worded that all wrong. My little girl is in full health, she just hasn't been acknowledged by her siblings.

@aSofaNearYou

I'm an evil stepmother because I (quietly) don't actually think my step son is very likeable or endearing and I don't think it is entirely due to bad parenting or the trauma of having separated parents.

Quietly, I feel similarly about my stepdaughter. The parenting doesn’t help at all but it’s more than that. It

I just have to work harder to be positive in my attitude towards her than everyone else. It’s draining.

Tbh, it’s not just me. Pretty much everyone finds her personality hard work. Even her father.

Some people just are much harder work than others to get along with.

@KumquatSalad @aSofaNearYou same here with DSD. I quietly think that actually it's not hormones (she's been the same since she was 8), it really is just her personality to be rude, moody and entitled just like her mum
And yes, everyone else struggles with her too, including DH.

I'm an evil step mother because I want my parents inheritance to go to my child and not my step children currently ongoing 😂

@PiecesOfPie

I'm an evil step mother because I want my parents inheritance to go to my child and not my step children currently ongoing 😂

I think you might also have been told you’re evil because you don’t think of them as your own children. 🙄

@PiecesOfPie

I'm an evil step mother because I want my parents inheritance to go to my child and not my step children currently ongoing 😂

This is surely from your dh rather than you step children (unless everyone concerned are adults and somehow your step children know about the inheritance? In which case, how?!)

[quote YoungScrappyHungry]**@KumquatSalad* @aSofaNearYou* same here with DSD. I quietly think that actually it's not hormones (she's been the same since she was 8), it really is just her personality to be rude, moody and entitled just like her mum
And yes, everyone else struggles with her too, including DH.[/quote]

I feel liberated by your confessions, and will add that I also struggle with my partner's daughter... His son is actually quite likeable but I just haven't clicked at all with his daughter!

I'm an evil stepmother because DH and I are about to move into a house that requires an extension for there to be enough bedrooms. Until the extension is built DSS will be sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs. I'm sure MN would probably say that DH and I should move permanently into the garden shed or something to give DSS our room or that our joint children who live with us should sleep in travel cots in our bedroom until they're 18 to give the step children the biggest bedrooms for the few nights a month that they stay.. back in the real world though DSS is excited about the sofa bed because it's in front of the TV and it's a novelty. Our resident children will keep their bedrooms and won't be sharing due to age gaps and differing genders. I don't think DSS needs therapy just yet.

This is surely from your dh rather than you step children (unless everyone concerned are adults and somehow your step children know about the inheritance? In which case, how?!)

I meant according to posters on here.

@LouJ85 I'm glad you feel liberated! I think there's often a line drawn on MN where it's acceptable to say you're not enamoured with step parenting but only if it's prefaced with "but they're great kids" and you just don't like the way the ex or your partner is handling things, rather than it just being that the kids themselves are hard work. In reality with kids, just like with adults, it's luck of the draw whether they are likeable.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@LouJ85 I'm glad you feel liberated! I think there's often a line drawn on MN where it's acceptable to say you're not enamoured with step parenting but only if it's prefaced with "but they're great kids" and you just don't like the way the ex or your partner is handling things, rather than it just being that the kids themselves are hard work. In reality with kids, just like with adults, it's luck of the draw whether they are likeable.[/quote]

Very true.

And you're at a disadvantage because, unlike with your own kids, you haven't (usually) had a massive role in shaping their personalities from the beginning. Making it more difficult to tolerate any aspects that you aren't endeared to. So, for example, when my own DD acts like a stroppy madam, at times I can see my own personality reflected back at me because I've so massively influenced who she is... so it's easier to tolerate because it's partly my doing, if that makes sense?! But when someone else's kid is acting like that, it's not in the slightest bit endearing or tolerable because you know it's not your own upbringing efforts being reflected back at you (an example is when I see DP's exW reflected in his daughter's behaviour/ mannerisms). I don't know if I've explained that well but .... I think it makes sense to me! Also, you love your own kids unconditionally no matter what strops they throw, I guess, because you're biologically programmed to, thus you more easily tolerate and work with any problematic behaviour. Without that deep unconditionally loving maternal bond... well, bratty behaviour is just intolerable isn't it.

I always think it’s unrealistic to expect a stepparent to like their stepchildren at all costs. You can’t like everyone really can you?
I used to like my former dsc more than I disliked them, but that was just because I was luckier than some. But my god there were days were I thought “I cannot wait for you to go back to your mum’s.”

Then there are some children who are hard work all the time and I’m not surprised that stepmums find it so bloody difficult to like them.

Our own children are still easy to like and love and adore even when they’re difficult. Even when they’re being really difficult and annoying.

@LouJ85 your last post really resonates with me.
Aside from everything else I also really struggled with the fact that I saw virtually nothing of exdp in his dc - they were all extremely like their dm in appearance, attitude & behaviour. For ages I felt really bad about this & I did bring it to therapy but my therapist was lovely and assured me it wasn't me - that it's an extremely common thing.
And I feel liberated too by all your 'confessions' because they weren't particularly nice kids & it's so freeing to be able to say that. They just weren't kind people. By the time we split they had stopped buying even exdp Christmas & birthday gifts (despite them getting pocket money from him every week & them all being over the age of 14). Exdp was a very kind person & I found it difficult that they seemed to possess very few of his good qualities. I honestly don't know if this was nature or nurture or a bit of both. I genuinely don't think I could ever had gotten to like them.
Of course I never said a word of this to exdp, but I'm a very straight talker & me having to 'hide' my feelings put me under massive stress.
Better for everyone that we split.

Bratty behaviour is something I find intolerable in my own children, forget anyone else’s. If I see even a hint of bratty behaviour, it is stamped out. Firmly. (I put bratty in a very different league to children finding their feet/ growing up).

It’s interesting actually. As I was very open with my ex about how I felt about his children. Some of the behaviours he would fail to address and also the acknowledgment that the children were suffering from loyalty binds as a result of their mother. So they would act in ways around me that (honestly) I had zero interest in being subjected to.
As a divorced mum, I didn’t want the downtime with my own children ruined by the dysfunction of his. And I didn’t think his children should spend their contact weekends feeling / acting troubled. He claimed some of the behaviours only happened around me, so I was very happy to in essence say ‘well then don’t involve me in contact.’

There’s just a lot of pressure that can build up. Ultimately I think my ex and his children benefitted by the 121 focussed time. As much as their mother could pit them against me, it’s much harder to do against their own father.

I have good and bad days with my DSD, to be fair my own kids do my head in too, maybe it's kids in general. But sometimes she is better behaved than mine is becomes my favourite.
But the things that I cannot stand is this fake crying she does and this strop she throws when she is in trouble, I only have boys so maybe this is more of a girl thing, but it's gets on my nerves, her dad doesn't pander to her though and she soon gets up and then acts normal, she is only 3 though so I will let her off my DP says her mum lets her get away with murder so maybe it isn't her fault, I'm just hoping she doesn't get worst the older she gets.

Bratty behaviour is something I find intolerable in my own children, forget anyone else’s. If I see even a hint of bratty behaviour, it is stamped out. Firmly.

Yes don't get me wrong - I stamp it out too! Even (especially, in fact) in I'm my own child. My point was that when a child is misbehaving in my home, given the choice, I'd rather that child be my own as I feel less irritated by that and more agency and control over the situation because I raised her myself. If that makes any sense. I also might think "I could have handled x or y better as a parent to prevent her from having this particular meltdown" - providing me with a learning point for myself and therefore further helping me to feel control and agency over making a difference. However when you're faced with a child who isn't yours who you didn't raise, this factors don't exist (for me, anyway). So it just because someone else's bratty behaviour to deal with. And I find that situation harder as it removes my own sense of responsibility, agency or control.

*It just becomes someone else's behaviour to deal with, that should have been

Of course I never said a word of this to exdp, but I'm a very straight talker & me having to 'hide' my feelings put me under massive stress.

I'm the same. Which is why I've just had to be honest with DP about my feelings toward his kids - nothing I've posted here would be news or a surprise to him. I tell him I get irritated when I see his exW reflected in his DD. He gets it (he can't stand ex W either!). Equally he tells me when my DD is doing his head in and he feels unable to stamp it out, which is where I come in. There's absolutely no way on this earth I could have dealt with all of this by hiding my feelings from him and just "playing" happy families - I'd have been a miserable shell of my former self. Luckily he understands and he allows me to sit it out on the sidelines while he deals with most matters concerning his kids. Equally, I'll deal with the most challenging stuff with regards my own DD. Essentially, we have a rule / understanding that we only get as far involved with each other's kids as we both feel happy and comfortable. As it happens, he feels more comfortable around my child than I do his, and that's just a difference in our personalities (and the fact that he loves full time with my DD probably). But he doesn't hold that against me or "expect anything in return" with regard to his own kids. We just get on with doing what we both feel comfortable/ happy with, without obligation. It's worked for us so far.

*lives full time

I find it easier to deal with irritating behaviour in my own children. Believe me, my children can be dreadful at times, but nothing is dwelled on like it would if it was a stepchild or any other child who isn’t mine.

For example, school mornings. The whole routine that goes with that. I’ve had a few bad mornings with my children getting ready e.g. messing about/falling out/losing a sock which I gave to them 2 minutes earlier and now poof disappeared in to thin air/eldest giving me some backchat.
If those were stepkids I would be utterly at my wits end and I would say I’m not doing it again. But because they’re mine, I pull my socks up and carry on and don’t dwell on it.
I am completely exhausted, but it’s an exhausted that isn’t accompanied with resentment. I think that’s the difference.