I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

@Youseethethingis yes, it might help your DTHS (dear toddler's half sister) feel better about the horrific injustice of having to pick up her own sweetie wrappers.

@MyCatHatesEverybody 😂😂😂

Both DH and I tonight are wicked step/parents because, apparently, by expecting contact to continue in lockdown, we've "ruined" BMs bubble with her boyfriend AND her parents. Because, y'know, DH is unreasonable to want to see his children and bubbling means you can swap out the children's father for your preferred adults...

Moron.

@willowmelangell

Am I the only one hoping *@LindaEllen* will come back with a new update on how dss is managing?

It has really been the most eye opening read. Shame I didn't have this example many years ago. I could have learned a lot.

Haha I'm here! I'm finding it very very very frustrating at times turning a blind eye to the things that aren't getting done, or aren't getting done properly.

I do still do some things - like he leaves stuff all round the house, wrappers, clothes, crap .. and I tidied up in the past, whereas now I just pick it up and dump it on his desk, so he has to deal with it before he plays games. It might be a bit petty to do that instead of throw wrappers in the bin but I don't care. I want my living space clear, and he needs to learn to tidy up - so my way works!

Things are weird with him not being at college anyway, but I'm not even nagging him to get up for his online lessons anymore. They're his A Levels. He claims not to have missed any, but I only hear him move at 1pm earliest (and you hear all movement in this house) so that's bollocks.
He has very few clean clothes, but they're not in my washing basket, they're in his (or more accurately on his floor, I suppose) so that doesn't bother me.

I ordered a takeaway last night as I was feeling a bit crap and he told me what he wanted and I said why should I buy you an expensive takeaway, I'm not your mum! And he said oh yeah sorry I'll give you the money. I didn't take it, ordered it with ours, just wanted to make him think a little bit about how much I do/give him. I don't resent it, just won't be taken for granted and have it thrown in my face. I wouldn't accept his behaviour from my own kids if I had them so I'm not making exceptions.

So the pressure is off me in that I've stopped doing some things for him .. but we're not at the stage yet where they desperately need to be done, so I don't think it's sunk in properly! He's not at college so he's not bothered what he wears (loungewear mostly!) at some point he'll realise he has a room full of washing and nothing to wear, and he'll have to deal with that. And I'm going to stand back and let him do it.

@LindaEllen
Poor boy, I’d be horrified to think of someone trying to teach my 17 year old a bit of personal responsibility
Seriously though, good on you for sticking it out, sounds like he’s taking it on the chin so it will sink in eventually!

This is brilliant @LindaEllen!

I don't have any right to post here as not a step parent or part of a blended family (and new to Mumsnet) but the thing I'm most shocked about is how little people's teenage/pre-teen children or step children seem to do. Why do parents do so much for their children??
I haven't made my children's lunches, been responsible for getting them up in the mornings or made them cups of tea/hot chocolate (I mean I do do that sometimes if I'm in the kitchen and want to do something nice for them) since they went to secondary school. They also both have jobs to get any expensive things they want. I'm gobsmacked by the entitlement I'm reading about (which presumably is not just a step-child "thing").
How do they ever leave home and grow up?!

@LindaEllen well done! I was just about to go up to my SDs (15 & 16) bedroom with a black sack to pick up all the rubbish on the floor as well as their washing, towels & to strip their beds. I very almost cracked, but after reading your update I’ve shut the door on their room & walked away!

Why do parents do so much for their children??

I agree that it’s odd how much many parents now seem to do for their children.

In stepfamilies, I think lots of NRP’s feel they don’t want to give their DC chores or expect them to do anything because they want their house to be the ‘fun house’ at all times. Lots of the resentment levelled at SMs in these situations is because they’ve refused to be the skivvy who picks up the mess left behind or to do all the background work that allows a man to present himself as superdad.

@LindaEllen Well done. Hopefully he’ll find the washing machine before his room starts to stink out the house! 😱

I used to get really angry at my eldest son over the state (and smell) of his room. I changed the wifi password and refused to give him it until it was improved. Multiple times.

Eventually he decided to move on with his dad when he’d finished college. He chose that option rather than sorting himself out because his Disney dad would let him away with anything. I wonder how long it will be until his SM takes similar action to you. I’d absolutely be on her side!

Thanks for the replies all! I'd like to explain at least on our part how it's got to this stage - as I agree it's ridiculous that he can't do anything for himself! As some people below have mentioned similar.

His mum walked out on him and my DP when he was 1. It was such a sad situation, as he was without his mum for a long time - but not only that, DP lost the love of his life out of the blue (she'd been having an affair and left them for AP). He was depressed and on meds for a while, juggling work, being a dad, keeping the house sorted.

DP had to work full time obviously to keep the house etc and was hugely lucky in that his parents would take DSS each morning until he finished work; and he picked him up again at 6. So that's every school day, coming home for 6, having dinner then it's pretty much bed/bath time, or homework sometimes.

His mum got back in touch when he was 6 and ended up fighting for custody which she didn't win, but she got weekend contact. So every weekend bar one in four he's at his mum's. Every evening he's at his grandparents'. There was a lot of bitterness caused by DP's willingness to agree to this contact. She was told by the courts she could go for one weekend a month to start with, but DP was adamant he wasn't doing that, as his mum would remain a stranger, and for DSS's sake he wanted him to have a good relationship with her. He regrets offering three weekends a month but is glad he was able to get to know his mum and her side of the family.

Somewhere along the way, everyone overcompensated for the shitty situation by spoiling him and never asking him to lift a finger. It's a poor choice but I can see how it happened.

But DP was single for years with one girlfriend in between for a while, DSS wasn't really at home to learn to do anything, the poor kid got passed from pillar to post - but other than leave his job and sign on, DP had no other choice. He didn't plan to be a single dad (not that anyone plans it!) and certainly didn't expect her to leave completely for 5 years.

Then, 3 years ago, I moved in. So he started coming straight home after school, and because I'm a complete mug (and really wanted this situation to work!) I just did everything as it was easier than nagging. But it wears you down over time, and then I realised I was very much part of the cause of the issue we've ended up with. I don't have kids, I was thrown in the deep end with a 14yo lad who's VERY different than me at that age.

I feel like I've messed up so badly sometimes. I've not done him any favours at all, and now that I'm trying to change things it makes the atmosphere in the house crap. DP is super supportive but works full time and then some as a key worker so it's just a fact that it's me here all day - nothing we can do about it.

But I'm public enemy number one.

I think he's treated like a guest in everyone's house - which is really sad! But means he doesn't do anything, anywhere. Here is his legal home, but until I moved in he spent the least time here!

But I'm determined to change that for all our sakes. For my sanity, for DP and DSS's relationship, and for his own sake, so he knows for the first time what it's like to be a part of a family unit!

I feel like I spend a lot of time moaning about him, and he is a pain in the arse, but you know what, when things are good we get on well. I care about him and want him to do well. But I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of.

Sorry for the length!

@LindaEllen he's lucky to have you.

[quote ILoveYou3000]@LindaEllen he's lucky to have you.[/quote]
He most certainly is.

Thank you! Sometimes I wonder if I've taken on more than I can chew but I'm doing my best and honestly think that's all I can do!

I hope you didn't take my question as a criticism - this whole thread has been eye-opening to me in terms of how many children seem to be over protected from some aspects of life but it certainly wasn't aimed at you.
I think the statement you made about him feeling like a guest wherever he's been was really telling. Hopefully, as well as learning some useful life skills, he'll feel less like that when he's around you. I think you've done him a massive favour!

@Chilldonaldchill

I hope you didn't take my question as a criticism - this whole thread has been eye-opening to me in terms of how many children seem to be over protected from some aspects of life but it certainly wasn't aimed at you. I think the statement you made about him feeling like a guest wherever he's been was really telling. Hopefully, as well as learning some useful life skills, he'll feel less like that when he's around you. I think you've done him a massive favour!

No not at all, just wanted to offer a view of how it can/does happen. Problem is now he's 17 so it seems so unfair to him that he now has to do it. I get that 100%. It's crap for him now but worth it in the long term - or he'll just grow up to be a useless husband/dad like the ones that get slagged off on here!

Started teaching him how to cook simple dishes for uni, literally started at super noodles and he struggled haha, so I think we need some more lessons 😂

@LindaEllen you sound great and actually very fond of him. He is lucky to have you and I think your relationship is going to be one that serves you both well over the years as it goes from strength to strength.

To get back on topic -

I'm a wicked stepmother. I said DSD could not come over as we found out by accident that two people in her mum's house had tested positive for covid. They had a series of Christmas parties in the middle of lockdown. Her mum refused to tell us if she herself had tested positive and just kept stating that DSD has no symptoms. DSD is not testing as they are no longer testing close contacts here, they just told contacts to isolate for fourteen days. So I said no until somebody gives us some straight answers or the fourteen days have passed.

I ordered a takeaway last night as I was feeling a bit crap and he told me what he wanted and I said why should I buy you an expensive takeaway, I'm not your mum! And he said oh yeah sorry I'll give you the money. I didn't take it, ordered it with ours, just wanted to make him think a little bit about how much I do/give him. I don't resent it, just won't be taken for granted and have it thrown in my face. I wouldn't accept his behaviour from my own kids if I had them so I'm not making exceptions.

This is horrible IMO. Poor kid.

@PastaPins

I ordered a takeaway last night as I was feeling a bit crap and he told me what he wanted and I said why should I buy you an expensive takeaway, I'm not your mum! And he said oh yeah sorry I'll give you the money. I didn't take it, ordered it with ours, just wanted to make him think a little bit about how much I do/give him. I don't resent it, just won't be taken for granted and have it thrown in my face. I wouldn't accept his behaviour from my own kids if I had them so I'm not making exceptions.

This is horrible IMO. Poor kid.

Assume you've not read any of my other posts 🤷🏻‍♀️. Also assume you've not read that post properly either, as I said I did buy him a takeaway.

He was regularly throwing 'you're not my mum' in my face, and generally being unpleasant to me if I asked him to do anything, so in the end I said fine, if I'm not your mum, I'll stop doing everything a mum would do. I was just pointing out another way that I act in that role that perhaps he took for granted.

With respect, please don't say something is horrible without reading the full story.

Tit for tat really? Who is the adult?

@PastaPins

Tit for tat really? Who is the adult?

Both of them based on SS age.

Tit for tat really? Who is the adult?
Why should a 17 year old be protected from the consequences of his decision to behave poorly towards OP? If someone behaves poorly towards you , your going to want to stop buying them treats, “poor boy” or not.
Anyway he demonstrated he’s learning so hot his takeaway paid for, so he’s not a “poor boy” really, is he?

Here’s a view from the other side: my ex got together with someone who’s mental health was questionable. In the early years she mostly fed them jam sandwiches from Friday night to Sunday night, argued and screamed at them if they wouldn’t join in with her ideas of fun (she was childless at that point) , they didn’t wash or clean their teeth and would come back so frazzled it would take three days For calm to be restored.
I did have to send solicitor’s letters a few times threatening withholding the children if some behaviours didn’t cease, think sending a four year old crossing the road on her bike to the village shop, and other stuff that happened that was inappropriate when no amount of talking would get through.
She ruined endless amounts of clothing by insisting she had to wash them by boiling them in a hot wash with ex’s work clothes. In the end I would send the children in jumble clothes so I didn’t care what she did with them. So she’d boil up their nice underwear and send it back grey with floppy elastic. And she had a thing about taking their vests off! And not returning them! Aaaaaaaargh!
Back in the day when a phone was just a landline phone coming out of the wall there was no way of knowing who was calling unless you picked up, she would call three or four times a day in the week they’d be going to discuss the pick up time, changing it with each call. She drove me nuts!
I was doing an access course at the time and when I was offered a place at a university four hours away I jumped at the chance to get away from them.
I actually feel stressed just thinking about it and it’s over twenty years ago.!
But reading through all the posts about how hard it is to be a step mum, I have had a better understanding of how hard it must have been for her with my three (lovely, well behaved, good mannered children) average noisy kids to invade her house with a minimal effort dad lurking in the background. She was truly awful but I can see now that it was a very hard and thankless task.
She has mellowed with age( and the right drugs) but she still wants everything her own way. We’ve all wised up though 🙂

@PerseverancePays
The arguing and screaming sounds awful, as does the deliberately ruining clothes and the nuisance phone calls, but from what you’ve said the rest of those points can be laid squarely at the door of Minimal Dad. Why wasn’t he feeding his kids, washing their clothes and looking after them and entertaining them? Why did he leave it to his unwell wife and allow her to do a shit job of it and scream at his children?
The whole thing sounds like a nightmare for you and your poor kids, glad you got the opportunity to break away from it!

@PersevercencePays she sounds very stressful, but still, the main thing that struck me from your post was that all of those things were your exes responsibility. Why wasn't he dealing with them?