Accepting being 'second best'

[jarofpickles123]

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this post. I'd like to make it clear that I like my partner's DC and this has nothing to do with them at all. I understand that his DC should definitely come first (as do mine to me!).

I don't live with my partner of 2.5 years (various reasons - both have young children, financial etc). He has his DC every other weekend, once overnight in the week, one night on the non contact weekend and lots of other ad hoc over nights. I see him on some of the nights he doesn't have his DC (not all).

I was wondering how people deal with the feeling of being 'second best' (I'm only using that description as I'm not sure how else to put it)?

DP will quite often text me to say that he won't be staying at mine that night as planned due to his DC wanting to stay over unexpectedly. I would of course not object to them wanting to see their Dad. I'm pleased they have a good relationship. But I do sometimes get a small feeling of being disappointed that he has cancelled with me. I would never vocalise this to DP, and I will always 'suck it up', I just wondered if anyone else experiences this and if so, did you feel guilty for doing so? I do feel guilty for feeling disappointed and would love to know how others overcame it!
Thank you

I don't think repeatedly being cancelled on because something better comes along is something that anyone should put up with in a relationship. I would say that you're dp needs to change something so this doesn't keep happening. What that change is is up to you?

Is there any reason why you can't be there when the children are?

My OH would not have cancelled plans at the last min to please his kids and I would not have stood for it.

Yes the kids are important and need to feel wanted etc but that doesn't mean tat they can't have boundaries and that your OH should drop everything including you for them, an emergency yes,a whim no.

I think a conversation about this is needed. Can you have set days that are your days and they are not changed unless discussed by BOTH of you or in case of emergency

If we had proper plans (think before Covid!) then I don't think he would cancel them, this is just an arranged night for him to stay at mine. So I don't feel like I should say anything? If that makes sense!

I think this is a very real tension, and I don't think there is an easy answer.

What? No sorry that’s rude. Short of a work / childcare emergency or Illness I wouldn’t think it remotely acceptable to cancel plans on anyone repeatedly because my children decided to want to stay with me. Friends, partner..anyone.

It’s rude and if I did that my friends would rightly call me out on it.

Don’t let this set in as the dynamic because it will settle into your relationship. It’s not acceptable.

Is the difference that you have your children with you the majority of the time so for you it’s not a choice between him and your kids whereas it is for him.
It must be tough but he’s putting his kids first as he should.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn That's an interesting comment, I don't have to choose between him and my kids, but he does have to with his kids and me. I've not really looked at it like that before.

Feeling a bit deflated as it's his contact weekend this weekend anyway so the last minute change of plans tonight means it'll be even longer until I see him than I thought it would be. Sigh. I'll get in to bed early and watch Netflix!

What? Does every parent get to walk around with a line like that? Sorry I know we had plans but I’ve decided my children come first, so I’m going to cancel.

As if.

If that’s how he wants to live then he shouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s selfish behaviour

@sassbott He's been like this since the get go!

The fact that he's a parent doesn't mean that he has the right to treat you badly. If he can't find a way to juggle being there for his children with being respectful to you then he be shouldn't be in a relationship.

I don't recall him cancelling if we had something like the cinema booked, but if the plan was for him just to come over for the night then those are the days that he has no problem with agreeing to have his DC extra!

Do you get what you need from the relationship?

I can understand some swapping and changing is always going to be needed, but this sounds excessive. I don't want this to sound horrible and I'm not sure how to word it, but it sounds like he is spending time with you when he has nothing better to do.

Just because you both have children doesn't mean you come at the bottom of the pile, treating other adults well and showing they are important too is vital to modelling good relationships for children. They also need to learn that you can't consistently break commitments on a whim.

Me and DP are in a v similar set-up. We both have our respective DC’s half the week. On the set nights where they’re not scheduled to be with us, we make firm plans to be together and that always comes first. As much as both of us love our kids we would never cancel our plans just because the kids “felt like” having an extra night at mum or dad’s. That signifies to the kids that they are in complete control (which is not healthy for them to feel) and it also would dissolve all boundaried, wreck our relationship and be v disrespectful to the other partner.

All manner of wrong.

I'm not sure he knows how to balance both me and his DC. If he comes to mine, we will sit together on the sofa, have a conversation regardless of whether my DC are there or not. If I'm at his, he will sit with his DC and is 100% focused on them - conversation, activities etc. In fact I don't seem to remember him even being remotely affectionate to me in front of his DC. I understand it is not about me when he has his DC, but it's almost like I'm not there. I find it all a little odd!

@MuckyPlucky His DC are very much in control - they are fairly young but have mobile phones and if he gets a text from one saying they want to go over that day then it's a yes every time, regardless whether he was due to come to mine for the night or not.

I agree with @sassbott.

Also @lunar1 makes a valid point. At the start of my relationship with my DP I sometimes felt like a “filler” of his time between seeing his kids. It makes you feel like shit.
I talked to him about it and how it made me feel when he cancelled (especially last minute) to see his kids on a whim. I told him I’m not telling him he can’t, but I also don’t have to tolerate not being a priority in his life.
His kids are his priority but 2.5 yrs into a relationship I would expect to be a priority also.

Op. Get out. This is not going to get any better. The tail is wagging the dog.

My children are older and have phones. They too can text me occasionally saying can we come back earlier etc etc. If I’m home with no plans, no problem. But if I’ve made plans? They get told no. As they should.

The separation isn't fresh and the kids are old enough to make independent plans with him , so he's not behaving this way out of guilt

I would not go to his when he has his kids and be ignored , why does he do that ? they are not babies so don't require intense supervision

Why is he keeping you away from his kids ? Nearly 3 years in surely you should be acting more like a family unit ?
Can you not agree set dates that are just you and him and the kids can be told " not tonight" at least once a week

Yes that's what I find a bit strange - when he has his DC he literally doesn't leave their sides the entire time they are there, it's constant. Mine are similar ages and I encourage a bit of play time on their own as I think it helps independence.

No, that doesn’t sound okay at all. He’s not ready for a relationship from what you say. He’s treating you like less than a back up option and you, and everyone, deserve better than that. It’s a really unhealthy dynamic he’s showing his children too. That’s not how you behave towards someone you care for and have chosen to have in your life for more than 2 years. You’ve got the patience of a saint OP but he’s showing you how his priorities lie and unless you’re okay for things to continue on exactly as they are then I think you should move on. I’m a step mum. I’m forever banging on about balance and needs v wants on here. DH is a wonderful father and a great husband. If he’d carried on like yours is now there’s no way we’d have lasted 6 months never mind the rest of it.

No that is not okay, and is setting a precedent for him to put everything before you in the future.

He needs to remain respectful of you, and he needs to model that to his children.

My children are older and have phones. They too can text me occasionally saying can we come back earlier etc etc. If I’m home with no plans, no problem. But if I’ve made plans? They get told no. As they should.
I do similar with mine. My attitude is they have two parents who live apart so if they're with their dad they're with their dad & I'm off duty because the rest of the time I am a single parent who caters to their every need with no help. My child free time is my time to do as I please & I honestly think that's a good thing for kids to learn; that my every waking hour does not revolve around them.
@lunar1 does make a great point - as it does come across like he sees you as filling a gap & I'm another who wouldn't put up with plans being cancelled just because his kids feel like changing up the routine. He's not treating you with respect op.

Separated daddy guilt? Xxx

Is this an issue of accepting second place or is the real issue your reluctance to express your feelings and pose your questions to him directly? Do you have an honest and open relationship? In an honest and open relationship , you should feel free to discuss topics of concern.

Are you afraid that you will put the relationship at risk by asking the question? Sadly, there is only one person who can answer your question or deal with your concern, and you are not having the discussion with him.

You will only get resolution by addressing your concerns with your partner. Until then, you can only get unfounded assumptions about his thoughts and motivations from people who have no inkling of his thought processes or the driving factors behind his decision making.

I don't think that what he's doing is ok. Like others have said, kids need boundaries and shouldn't expect their dad to drop everything to have them. This will make them grow up thinking the world revolves around them and it's not healthy.

Since I met my husband he had his two kids on set nights. Anything outside of that he would check with me and if we had plans, it would be a no.

Also the thing about him being 100% focused on them when he's with them is a bit weird and definitely some divorce guilt going on there.