Accepting being 'second best'

[jarofpickles123]

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this post. I'd like to make it clear that I like my partner's DC and this has nothing to do with them at all. I understand that his DC should definitely come first (as do mine to me!).

I don't live with my partner of 2.5 years (various reasons - both have young children, financial etc). He has his DC every other weekend, once overnight in the week, one night on the non contact weekend and lots of other ad hoc over nights. I see him on some of the nights he doesn't have his DC (not all).

I was wondering how people deal with the feeling of being 'second best' (I'm only using that description as I'm not sure how else to put it)?

DP will quite often text me to say that he won't be staying at mine that night as planned due to his DC wanting to stay over unexpectedly. I would of course not object to them wanting to see their Dad. I'm pleased they have a good relationship. But I do sometimes get a small feeling of being disappointed that he has cancelled with me. I would never vocalise this to DP, and I will always 'suck it up', I just wondered if anyone else experiences this and if so, did you feel guilty for doing so? I do feel guilty for feeling disappointed and would love to know how others overcame it!
Thank you

I think my view on it has been how can I possibly feel the way I do as surely he is entitled to see his DC as much as he wants to? If that makes sense

@jarofpickles123 it does & it doesn't.
On the one hand he's entitled to see his kids how & when he likes. But what he's not entitled to is to see them this way & expect to conduct a serious relationship which is totally one sided & totally weighted in his favour. He wants to see his kids in this way - fine - but he's expecting you to live YOUR life orbiting around the decisions he & his ex make around their kids.
He is refusing to compromise which in any relationship be it familial, platonic or romantic is a massive red flag.
Would you let your friends or family repeatedly cancel on you just because of their kids?
His behaviour & your toleration of it ensure HE gets everything he wants; his dc when he wants them & then you waiting in the wings to plug any gaps in his boredom.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I've dated men like this & they don't change their behaviour unless they want to & it sounds like he doesn't. He's having a rare old time; everyone dancing to his tune & he's not having to put himself out one bit in the process.

@Magda72 is 100% right. And I mean this kindly OP, but I feel like you have low self esteem to not expect any better. I'm also fuming for you.

I'm speaking as someone who has been with a man with kids for over 8 years. He loves his kids and is a good dad. But he's also a good husband, and more often than not my needs come before theirs. That doesn't mean they get shoved out, but it means that they also understand that dad is a person in his own right who has his own life.

I don’t feel like second best, because I’m not. DH works hard to strike a balance between all our wants and needs. DSS’ wants and DH’s wants don’t just trump all my own.

This. If DP consistently put my feelings last and made zero effort to prioritise quality time for our relationship, there's no way I'd have stuck around as long as I have. You do not have to accept being second best - DP should be making an effort to balance out everyone's feelings and needs. As others have pointed out, when the kids are in their late teens with their own lives, he's going to find himself very lonely having never made time to sustain an adult relationship.

What @Magda72 said (articulate as ever!)

Honestly how can you be arsed with this? Don’t move in with him for Christ’s sake! He’s got a massive case of separated dad guilt and thinks being at his kids / ex’s constant beck and call is absolving him in some bizarre way. It’s not healthy at all. Kids need structure and routine and not to always come first.

It’s utterly disrespectful to you.

I don't think it is fair on primary aged children to expect them to decide their contact arrangements on an ad hoc basis. That's an abnegation of parental responsibility. I would find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who didn't agree with me on such a fundamental issue. I'm not sure if I could find a workaround.

He does have set days with them, it's just all the extra last minute days that I'm finding it hard to deal with as they always seem to fall on days that he would be seeing me x

Is his ex controlling this situation ?

Sounds like it to me ..

Exploring his guilt about breaking up !

I did try and bring the subject up earlier this year but he said he wants to see them as much as possible and then wouldn't discuss it any further!

That's how it is then I guess!

I think some separated parents find it hard to say no when the kids ask directly. They obviously want to see their dad more and maintaining a strong relationship (usually for dads) can be difficult on separation.

The father child relationship can deteriorate unless a lot of effort is made by the dad to nurture the relationship.

When a family is together, the dad can get away with being less involved with their kids, but separation exposes them...and they need to put in a lot more effort to build up a good relationship with their DC....mum . generally find it easier, because they usually did the bulk of parenting and separation gives them 'time off' whereas for dads who weren't hands on...they struggle to parents on the few days they have to do it alone.

@Emmie12345

Is his ex controlling this situation ?

Sounds like it to me ..

Exploring his guilt about breaking up !

Whether the ad hoc arrangement is down to him or his ex, it’s in his power to stop it but he doesn’t want to. It’s entirely up to him how he arranges time and discussions between him and his ex aren’t the OP’s problem. He’s taking the piss out of her and their relationship and that’s not anyone else’s fault.

Hi OP
My partner has had a rigid schedule with his ex so it’s been a few years since I’ve been in your shoes. But I remember well the feeling.
I guess that for your OP it comes from a good intention of being there for his children.
But all the same ...!
If his plans change and your children are at their dads, does he not simply request that you come to his instead?

What Magda says.

He’s stated his intention, fine. But it’s the way he’s approaching it that’s not compatible with a relationship. If they are both under ten this will only become a bigger issue.

Be really clear about what makes you happy in this relationship and weigh up whether that’s enough.

This last week or so has been particularly difficult as in the last 10 days he's had them an extra 3 nights on top of his regular contact. Fine, no problem. But as these extra days have happened actually on the day, it's been hard to say 'Ok no worries, I'll just see you another day'.

I've found on some occasions (pre lockdown) that I was expecting him to come over so have of course not made other plans, for him to tell me he's having them extra so can't come, and I've been left with no him, no plans and feeling a bit deflated.

Don't get me wrong, if me and him had cinema tickets booked etc then he wouldn't cancel on me (I don't think), it's the days that we've planned for him to come over and then at the last minute decided to have his DC.

But as these extra days have happened actually on the day, it's been hard to say 'Ok no worries, I'll just see you another day'

Well don’t say it then, tell him you’re pissed off because you were looking forward to seeing him.

“DP, I was looking forward to seeing you tonight and arranged my plans around this. So you cancelling last minute to see the kids has pissed me off, I’m not going to lie”

@Notcrackersyet Hi, if I don't have my DC and he agrees to have his DC unexpectedly/extra then no he doesn't invite me over, although I know he'd say yes if I asked.

As a said further down the thread, I tend to find it a little uncomfortable being at his when he has his DC as he doesn't leave their sides the entire time they are there. I find it a little odd as my DC are the same age but they have an element of independence (I'm not attached to them constantly when they are with me!).

@SpongebobNoPants That would go down like a lead balloon! He probably wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day!

It’s rude and disrespectful to you.

My DP quite early on said casually that his kids would always come first over his relationship. So I replied “Yeah that’s fine but we should probably stop seeing each other then because I’m not cool with that”.

My response took him completely by surprise because he expected me to say the same as I also have 2 DCs. I explained my kids are a priority obviously but if I was willing to eventually put a partner at the top of my priorities too then I shouldn’t be dating.

Kids needs should come first but not at the expense of other people all the time. It’s balancing act which your DP doesn’t seem to be able to manage and it’s at the expense of your relationship.
You need to tell him this.

That would go down like a lead balloon! He probably wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day!

What? Then why on earth are with him? So not only are you regularly cancelled in his plans but he would ignore you for sharing your feelings?

So many red flags 🚩

Run.

@SpongebobNoPants He doesn't react that way in any other situation other than to do with his DC.

I remember last year I'd arranged to make sure that I was child free on his child free weekend, and booked a surprise night away for me and him to celebrate something he'd achieved.

About 3 days before the date he told me he was having his DC extra that weekend. I told him about the surprise and he said that he didn't know about it (I'd asked him to keep that day free weeks before but he'd forgotten) so it wasn't his fault and then proceeded to get annoyed that I was upset about it. He didn't talk to me for about a day after that as I said it wasn't on!

About 3 days before the date he told me he was having his DC extra that weekend. I told him about the surprise and he said that he didn't know about it (I'd asked him to keep that day free weeks before but he'd forgotten) so it wasn't his fault and then proceeded to get annoyed that I was upset about it. He didn't talk to me for about a day after that as I said it wasn't on!

His reaction would be a red flag to me - sulking and making it your fault that he messed up and forgot sth (that's what celendars are for).

Not speaking to you? What is he 10??

The fact that you feel like you can't raise it is awful. I know no relationship is perfect but I would definitely set aside some time to talk to him, being understanding but also not afraid to put your point across (the many points that everyone has brought up on this thread!). Then you can either move forward together more happy, or decide to part ways if he is not willing to compromise.

Good luck, let us know how the talk goes.

About 3 days before the date he told me he was having his DC extra that weekend. I told him about the surprise and he said that he didn't know about it (I'd asked him to keep that day free weeks before but he'd forgotten) so it wasn't his fault and then proceeded to get annoyed that I was upset about it. He didn't talk to me for about a day after that as I said it wasn't on!

This is unbelievable. If my DP found out I'd planned a surprise on the weekend he was supposed to keep free he would be so apologetic and promise to make it up to me (if not change his plans back so we could still go, depending on how easy that was to do, given it was his mistake). All of this getting annoyed at you for being upset is borderline emotionally manipulative in my book.

@jarofpickles123 nothing you just wrote makes it any better.
Please don’t think I’m saying any of this to be harsh because I’m genuinely trying to offer you advice. You deserve so much better... look at the red flags

1. Organises his time with no regard for prearranged plans with you

1. Gives you the silent treatment if you don’t automatically comply or pretend you’re happy with him dropping you like a hot potato

1. Gets annoyed if you express any displeasure or happiness regarding the way he is treating you

1. Makes you afraid to speak out about your feelings because you’re worried about the repercussions of expressing being unhappy about things

1. Minimises your feelings even after you’ve explained why... e.g. you booked a nice surprise for him and even after telling him that he was annoyed at you for being upset.

Sweetheart you are not a priority for him.

Take a step back and think what advice you would offer your friend if she was describing her relationship in the same way you are. Would you he saying “it’s ok, he’s only an disrespectful or disregards your feelings when he would rather prioritise his kids”?

Or would you be saying “This isn’t right for you. You deserve more thoughtfulness from a partner and you need to consider walking away”.

Be honest with yourself.

or UNhappiness I meant*

As much as we should always put our children first, there's a very big difference between doing that, and letting them call all the shots.

They have specific contact days, weekends etc - and of course he will be there for them on those days. But outside of those days, he also has a life, and they can't expect to just decide they want to stay over and turn up when they want.

I mean, it's different if something has happened and perhaps they're upset at something and want to see their dad, but just expecting him to drop everything isn't on.

He needs to get on with his adult life as well as his life as a father, and hopefully in time those two lives will merge together quite nicely. But he cannot just sit at home all the time doing nothing in case one of the kids wants to pop in.

Separated families always have their difficulties, but contact arrangements are there for a purpose, and it sounds to me like he has plenty of contact as it is.

So I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting him to be able to see you on the days/nights he's specified, and he should just be able to explain to his kids that Daddy is busy tonight, but he's looking forward to seeing them at the weekend.

With arrangements the way they are, contact is never more than a couple of days away.

He sounds like a good dad, but needs to work on being a good partner, too!