Accepting being 'second best'

[jarofpickles123]

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this post. I'd like to make it clear that I like my partner's DC and this has nothing to do with them at all. I understand that his DC should definitely come first (as do mine to me!).

I don't live with my partner of 2.5 years (various reasons - both have young children, financial etc). He has his DC every other weekend, once overnight in the week, one night on the non contact weekend and lots of other ad hoc over nights. I see him on some of the nights he doesn't have his DC (not all).

I was wondering how people deal with the feeling of being 'second best' (I'm only using that description as I'm not sure how else to put it)?

DP will quite often text me to say that he won't be staying at mine that night as planned due to his DC wanting to stay over unexpectedly. I would of course not object to them wanting to see their Dad. I'm pleased they have a good relationship. But I do sometimes get a small feeling of being disappointed that he has cancelled with me. I would never vocalise this to DP, and I will always 'suck it up', I just wondered if anyone else experiences this and if so, did you feel guilty for doing so? I do feel guilty for feeling disappointed and would love to know how others overcame it!
Thank you

the couple are entangled*

@spongbobnopants
In the case at hand the OP and her partner are neither married nor do the live together. Fortunately for her, they are easily untangled. The OP has during this period discovered something that make this situation unacceptable for her. Now is the time to own her control and walk away.

Many women remain in abusive relationships out of fear. That fear is not always fear of the partner but fear of change, fear of having to assume sole responsibility for themselves and their children, fear of the unknown, inertia, lack of preparation to be self supporting, etc. There are a myriad of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.

Fortunately, for the OP, she is not tethered to her partner in anyway from which she cannot easily extract herself. There will be the pain that comes when any relationship ends, but the alternative is to accept ongoing pain in lieu of the immediate and blunt pain of separation.
One choice involves masochism and self abuse; the other involves an immediate but temporary pain. I guess it all depends on the manner in which you are willing to live. No right or wrong, just a choice as to what you are willing to live with and tolerate.

In any case, it remains the OP' s choice.

We should own our choices and be proactive in choosing partners and situations compliment and are compatible with our personal lifestyle choices.

Well there’d be no separated parents then so OP’s dilemma now would be no existent.

@LyingDogsLie1
Obviously, if we all did that there would be far fewer divorces. However, in this situation, the OP is positioned to do exactly that.
During their dating period, she has discovered this major difference in parenting and relationship management. She can now make the decisions that will either remove herself from this unhappy situation or she can remain in the situation and blame her partner for being the very person that both told her and has demonstrated himself to be.

This is all a very long-winded way of saying you either like it or lump it, OP.

But if you choose to put up with it, don’t expect to be able to change it.

she can remain in the situation and blame her partner for being the very person that both told her and has demonstrated himself to be.

Once again, her partner did not "tell her" he was going to be such a disrespectful let down. Unless he began the relationship with a statement to the effect “I will continually let you down and put your needs last, allowing no time for our relationship to develop - are you sure you still want to proceed?” - which I highly doubt! Why is it so incredibly difficult for you to grasp that many shortcomings and incompatiblities between partners do not become apparent until much later down the line?! That’s the beauty of a developing relationship- you learn new things about your partner as you go along- some of these things will be a welcome surprise; some not so much. Your view of how relationships tend to work is very pragmatic and not in fitting with reality.

Obviously, if we all did that there would be far fewer divorces.

If we all did what, exactly? Consulted our crystal balls about how the relationship/ our partner / ourselves are going to evolve over time, years down the line? Righty ho. Silly me.

@LouJ85 I completely agree with you.
If only we were all mystic Meg eh?

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@LouJ85 I completely agree with you.
If only we were all mystic Meg eh?[/quote]
Yup. I'd have saved myself a few wasted years, that's for sure! 😂

@LouJ85

Obviously, if we all did that there would be far fewer divorces.

If we all did what, exactly? Consulted our crystal balls about how the relationship/ our partner / ourselves are going to evolve over time, years down the line? Righty ho. Silly me.

That was exactly my point. It was dripping with sarcasm.

@LouJ85
Then I guess that it is fortunate for the OP that she is at a stage in the relationship evolutionary process where the red flags are all open and apparent.
She has made no irrevocable commitment from which she cannot easily untangle. She is more fortunate than most.

If the worst thing that you can say about your life is that you had to end a relationship with a man who prioritized spending his time with his children over spending time with you, then you have probably had a pretty good life.

@SpongebobNoPants

Would be handy wouldn't it?!

She has made no irrevocable commitment from which she cannot easily untangle

Has she? How do you know? She might be deeply emotionally invested. To "untangle" might be more painful than you're assuming. Again - you're coming at it from an emotionally void perspective. Being "entangled" with a person in a relationship isn't just about shared assets, legal documentation to say you're married, and financial ties. Sometimes it's deeper than all that. And for that reason I personally would never assume to know what she can "easily untangle" from or not.

*emotionally devoid, rather.

You know, a good dad would have a care for his children’s long term development and the adults he hopes they will become.
If this dude thinks that demonstrating unhealthy adult relationship dynamics like this and allowing them to call the shots is going to get him emotionally stable and well balanced adult DC then he’s going to be disappointed.
He has no business wasting anyone’s time in a relationship if he won’t give it the time, effort and respect to allow it to thrive.