Accepting being 'second best'

[jarofpickles123]

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this post. I'd like to make it clear that I like my partner's DC and this has nothing to do with them at all. I understand that his DC should definitely come first (as do mine to me!).

I don't live with my partner of 2.5 years (various reasons - both have young children, financial etc). He has his DC every other weekend, once overnight in the week, one night on the non contact weekend and lots of other ad hoc over nights. I see him on some of the nights he doesn't have his DC (not all).

I was wondering how people deal with the feeling of being 'second best' (I'm only using that description as I'm not sure how else to put it)?

DP will quite often text me to say that he won't be staying at mine that night as planned due to his DC wanting to stay over unexpectedly. I would of course not object to them wanting to see their Dad. I'm pleased they have a good relationship. But I do sometimes get a small feeling of being disappointed that he has cancelled with me. I would never vocalise this to DP, and I will always 'suck it up', I just wondered if anyone else experiences this and if so, did you feel guilty for doing so? I do feel guilty for feeling disappointed and would love to know how others overcame it!
Thank you

I presume you get to see your children everyday and he doesn't so there is a bit of an imbalance. I would be heartbroken if I could only see my son every other weekend and would definitely priorities that time over anything else which could be moved. I think this is an issue you will face with all dads who are involved with their kids.

@TeachesOfPeaches Hi, it's not just every other weekend, there's not more than 3/4 days between each time he sees them.

My ex has our DC 40/60 so I don't see them every day

My DP was made redundant during the first lockdown, but has managed to find a job that he loves. However, he now works shifts so different arrangements had to be agreed with his DCs' mums.

All fine, until he started telling me last minute 'Oh, DSD is staying tonight'. That means he'd agreed it with DSD and her mum before even mentioning it to me. He did it about three times before I told him it wasn't on. He needed to at least say 'I'm thinking DSD could stay tonight, is that ok?' before making the plan. At the end of the day, I live here too and deserve to have some structure to my life. His new shifts mean we get one evening together a fortnight where he hasn't had the children or been working. I need to be a priority too, and it's not ok to keep being pushed out for the DCs.

You need to talk to him, OP. Explain how it's making you feel. You've been together enough time for your feelings to be heard. If he won't listen, well, you're worth more than that xx

@MyGodImSoYoung Thanks. We don't actually live together yet so I don't feel like I'd be in any position to ask him to check with me first before he has them extra! It doesn't bode well for when we do live together though as I think it would be sprung upon me very last minute.

I did try and bring the subject up earlier this year but he said he wants to see them as much as possible and then wouldn't discuss it any further!

I wouldn't move in with him if I were you OP. You'll have no say over what goes on in your house.

I presume you get to see your children everyday and he doesn't so there is a bit of an imbalance. I would be heartbroken if I could only see my son every other weekend and would definitely priorities that time over anything else which could be moved. I think this is an issue you will face with all dads who are involved with their kids.
No it's not. I'm a divorced mum & the harsh reality of divorce is that (generally) neither parent gets to see their child every day & as I pointed out on another thread, if a couple decides on divorcing that access is not going to be 50/50 then the nrp (who again has generally agreed to this for various reasons - work for eg.) has to live with the consequences of that.
There's no point in divorcing & then wailing that you don't see you kids every day. Be sad yes. Mourn the loss of that traditional family. But at some point you then have to acknowledge the choices that YOU made & get a bit of perspective on the situation.
If access is set eow then everyone including the dc know where they stand. And if the OP's dp feels that's not enough then he should discuss having other set days with his ex.
Ad hoc access is very disruptive for everyone & children rarely benefit in life from having learned to dictate their parents' social decisions. That doesn't generally happen in a 'traditional' family & imo it shouldn't happen in separated families either as it places too much inappropriate importance on the dc which we see again & again only leads to over dependence & entitlement - not great life lessons to take out into the wider world!

@Magda72 again has put it perfectly.
You don’t get to choose not to do 50/50 then whine about it.

He can put his kids at the centre of all his plans, but he can’t then expect to maintain a healthy relationship either.

Just talk to him. If he doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to try to see your point of view then don’t waste your time pursuing the relationship because you want to be a priority too (and rightly so). If he won’t prioritise you also then it’s time move on.

@SpongebobNoPants I spoke to him earlier this year and he just said that he will always say yes if his DC ask to stay. And that was that!

This is not him ‘putting his kids first’, this is him having very poor boundaries with his ex which is impacting on you.

If he wants to have a relationship with you, he needs to arrange his life so that he can give it the attention and nurturing it deserves. This doesn’t mean he has to put his children ‘last’, it just means that he sees you as a priority as well.

Imagine if you kept blowing him out at the last minute because your ex wanted you to have the kids on their night. Do you think he’d just suck it up?

When you’re in a relationship with someone, you should want to make them feel like they’re important to you. He’s not giving your feelings any thought here. It’s all about him and his dad-guilt and keeping the dynamic with his ex sweet. Where do you fit in? When do you get your needs met? You’re allowed to ask for your needs to be met, you know. That’s not unreasonable in a relationship- kids or no kids. No wonder you’re pissed of.

I have been in this exact situation as you (except I didn’t have any DC of my own at the time) and things only changed once I went nuclear and threatened to end the relationship. My partner still saw his DC exactly the same amount of time - just that it was now consistent and everyone knew where they stood.

And are you happy to put with that? Him dropping plans with you at the last minute to accommodate the requests of his kids?
I think cancelling plans with less than 24 hours notice is really disrespectful personally

And I would add that if he wants to be able to see his DC ad hoc whenever he wants, then he doesn’t have sufficient room in his life for a relationship. So he should probably put the idea of being in a relationship with someone on the back burner until he’s able to give it the energy it deserves. No woman should be expected to put up with being repeatedly blown out at the last minute.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I wouldn't move in with him if I were you OP. You'll have no say over what goes on in your house.

Absolutely.

I don’t feel like second best, because I’m not. DH works hard to strike a balance between all our wants and needs. DSS’ wants and DH’s wants don’t just trump all my own.

I do think there's an element of guilt involved. If he doesn't ask his ex how the DC are doing enough then he gets accused of not caring about them. They've both been bought phones by their Mum (both are under 10) so DP quite often gets video calls or voice notes from his DC saying they want to see him etc. which he will of course say yes too.

I'm not sure how we could live together as everything is just so last minute with him (I'm a planner!).

@SpongebobNoPants I spoke to him earlier this year and he just said that he will always say yes if his DC ask to stay. And that was that!
@jarofpickles123 if this is his attitude then you have 2 options.

1. Resign yourself to the fact that he will always be like this & that's going to be your life so long as you're with him. Or,
2. Run.

I posted on another thread the other day how it took my exdp a year of counselling with a very blunt counsellor to get to the point of accepting that as a divorced dad he didn't need to sacrifice himself at the alter of his children & that he was allowed a life. And exdp wanted a life outside of his kids! But it still didn't work as by that stage his dc were older teens who were so used to having dad drop everything to suit them that they were rigidly opposed to any changes/discipline exdp tried to enact. Your dp's dc are young enough now, but I'll tell you that the Entitled Demanding Teen who is used to getting their own way all the time & being the centre of dad's world is a force to be reckoned with.

From your later postings, it sounds as though he has given you his answer. The only remaining question is why are you not accepting his answer. It is not an issue of right or wrong. He has clearly stated his position and perspective. He is not misleading you.

The answer the you received is not the answer that you wanted, but it is his particular answer. If the relationship is becoming uncomfortable , it is only because you are ref refusing to accept that which his words and actions are clearly demonstrating.

The solution is to find a partner that shares your point of view. Obviously, this man does not. Neither of you should have to change your basic beliefs about parenting and relationships. You cannot force someone to believe that which you believe or to think as you think. Ideally, you look for someone who shares your basic beliefs. A partner is not necessarily wrong because he has a different perspective, but he can be the wrong partner for you.

There are many men who would share your pov. Rather than trying to make this one change , the most reasonable thing might be to look for one of those men who does not require a belief alteration or modification.

OP if I were you I'd ask him what he's going to do with his life when his kids have left home. They're not going to keep him company in his old age are they.

I have just received a text to say that he is now also having DC Sunday night too, so 4 nights in total (as opposed to the set 2 nights). I would of been seeing him Sunday night as it's the one night we do always try and see each other.

This is an example of what I was saying when I don't think it would work if we lived together. I think you may all be right about this not working in the long term.

Sod that OP. You don’t deserve to be a plan B. Long term that’s going to eat away at your self esteem.

Fuck that. When are you next going to see him then?

I think that's so rude OP. Assuming you're in lockdown and not able to see anyone else, he's effectively fucked up your weekend. I'm afraid I'd be binning him off. You don't deserve to be treated like a backstop only worth spending time with when he's got nothing else on.

Yes we're in lockdown and he is my support bubble.

He was always having them for dinner (no overnight) on Monday so I assume I won't be seeing him until at least Tuesday evening. Sigh.

I think I'm just a bit more fed up at the moment as it's a certain time of the month (blush), and I've not seen him much lately as my household had to isolate for 14 days so he couldn't come over.

You have every right to be fed up. Don't be making excuses for him. Honestly, he's treating you like crap.

You will never be anything more than Plan B for this man.

Women are so conditioned to put everyone else's needs above their own that we perpetuate the normalisation of shoddy treatment such as this. Even your opening post is coming at it from the angle of "how to do I learn to accept this?" and expecting a flaming rather than accepting that his behaviour towards you is an unacceptable way to treat a long term partner. This is all about accommodating his feelings, not yours or his DCs who need structure and stability rather than shuttling backwards and forwards between houses because no one will put in some healthy boundaries.

I predict it'll only get worse.

EVERYTHING @MyCatHatesEverybody says!
Stop making excuses for him & stop using your hormones as an excuse! I mean that kindly .
This man is NOT treating you well (I'm actually fuming for you here). You deserve better. Nearly everyone is telling you this.