Accepting being 'second best'

[jarofpickles123]

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this post. I'd like to make it clear that I like my partner's DC and this has nothing to do with them at all. I understand that his DC should definitely come first (as do mine to me!).

I don't live with my partner of 2.5 years (various reasons - both have young children, financial etc). He has his DC every other weekend, once overnight in the week, one night on the non contact weekend and lots of other ad hoc over nights. I see him on some of the nights he doesn't have his DC (not all).

I was wondering how people deal with the feeling of being 'second best' (I'm only using that description as I'm not sure how else to put it)?

DP will quite often text me to say that he won't be staying at mine that night as planned due to his DC wanting to stay over unexpectedly. I would of course not object to them wanting to see their Dad. I'm pleased they have a good relationship. But I do sometimes get a small feeling of being disappointed that he has cancelled with me. I would never vocalise this to DP, and I will always 'suck it up', I just wondered if anyone else experiences this and if so, did you feel guilty for doing so? I do feel guilty for feeling disappointed and would love to know how others overcame it!
Thank you

This makes me wonder whether this sort of thing happens. in a couple who are still together with children, where a night out is planned and a babysitter arranged. Imagine getting yourself all ready for your date night, babysitter sorted, for the kids to say "daddy please don't go out tonight, stay home with us, we want to spend time with you", would he be likely to cancel and stay home?? I'd say highly unlikely. He'd just gently explain that mummy and daddy are going out tonight and will spend time with them tomorrow etc. If he did choose to cancel I can't imagine that relationship lasting long? So why does this happen in (some) separated fathers? It has to be guilt driven, surely ... such a shame some NR dads feel the need to live their lives laden with such guilt.

There is definitely an element of guilt. My partner and his DC's Mum were only together a year, they split, she shortly afterwards announced she was pregnant. There were questions on paternity, my partner didn't see his oldest until they were about 6 months old. They then got back together after a paternity test, she then fell pregnant again and they split up for good when youngest was 2.5.

All very messy, but may have something to do with the 'guilt'. Although I could be completely wrong!

Going against the grain to say he sounds like a lovely dad. It’s not the kids fault their parents have seperated and in other circumstances they’d be able to see their dad everyday. Wonderful he puts their needs first. Frankly more people should than prioritising new relationships

@HermioneKipper

It's hardly a "new relationship" after 2.5 years!
And he doesn't have to drop everything all of the time to prioritise his kids - he's also an adult entitled to his own life. By your logic, I must be a "bad' mum then, as I don't always "drop everything" for my DD - my life is balanced with other things. Unless it's an emergency or she desperately needs me, the other aspects of my life continue. I certainly wouldn't be making plans with my partner of 2.5 years, only to then drop them last minute because DD wanted me to! If she was safe with another caregiver, and otherwise fit and well, I would be continuing with my life and plans. So, am I a bad mother?

And he might sound like a "lovely dad" to you, but he certainly does not sound like a "lovely partner" based on his responses to the OP thus far! There is more to life than just being Dad, or parent. There are indeed other facets of a person and other relationships that require time and effort in order to nurture! He's going to find himself very lonely when the kids grow up and have their own lives if he never makes any time at all for an adult relationship.

@HermioneKipper He is a good Dad in one sense - very involved, sees them lots, is there for them. On the other hand, his parenting does raise a few eyebrows with me.

The DC's are allowed to dictate what happens the entire weekend. If something is planned and one of them changes their minds then they won't go (even if it's booked). He'll tell one of them to stop picking their lip (just an example!) and the DC will slap him on the leg or arm (not hard). He'll tell one of them to stop doing something and they'll tell him to 'Shush'. And my partner won't say a word. It could just be me but if either of my DC did something like that I certainly wouldn't sit there and say/do nothing!

It’s not the kids fault their parents have seperated and in other circumstances they’d be able to see their dad everyday

Not necessarily true. Are you saying parents who are still together would never be entitled to some time away from the kids? A weekend away perhaps while granny and grandad look after them? Of course they would and no one would judge them! Because most people would understand that adult relationships require time and effort to work, outside of the context of the role of parent. By god I've gone on many a weekend (even shock horror, once a week!!) away from my DD. Is she scarred for life?? Is she shite. I hate this idea that you must be surgically attached to your children at all times to be a good parent. Utter bollocks.

He'll tell one of them to stop picking their lip (just an example!) and the DC will slap him on the leg or arm (not hard). He'll tell one of them to stop doing something and they'll tell him to 'Shush'. And my partner won't say a word.

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest from the rest of your comments about him. This is the start of a very unhealthy dynamic as a parent. He's not the one in charge here, is he? They are.

It could just be me but if either of my DC did something like that I certainly wouldn't sit there and say/do nothing!

Be assured.. Absolutely one trillion percent not just you!!! Most parents wouldn't stand for this behaviour and would appropriately address it.

@LouJ85 Yes it worries me how much his DC are in charge, which is why when he spoke to me about moving in together next year I wasn't immediately filled with joy.

@jarofpickles123

I would have serious reservations about moving in with this man and his kids. This is only going to get worse if he isn't prepared to parent them in a healthy boundaried way!

What happens if you say to yourself ,"he has the right to make his own parenting choices, even those choices that are choices that I would make? That is what has happened.

He has been honest and upfront with you about his plans and choices. He has not mislead you. It does not matter if he is motivated by daddy guilt or an absolute belief that he wants every bit of time that becomes available with his children. Whatever the drivers , he has made and informed you of his intentions.

He is not forcing you to stay or to participate in his life style choices. You have made a fully informed choice to stay. It is confusing that you are now refusing to accept responsibility for your decision to remain in a relationship where your partner was honest and straight forward about his intentions and plan of action.

It does not matter how his relationship with his children will or will not impact his future relationships , that is on him to accept and navigate.

You cannot force him to agree with you. You are the one being dishonest by staying with him even though he has not been dishonest with you. Your continued presence makes an explicit statement that
you are accepting of that which he has clearly and frequently stated.

He is not abusing or disrespecting you. By choosing to stay in this relationship, you are self abusing and refusing to accept responsibility for your fully informed choice .

This arrangement is making you unhappy, and it is within your power to regain your happiness by walking away. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away.

It is confusing that you are now refusing to accept responsibility for your decision to remain in a relationship where your partner was honest and straight forward about his intentions and plan of action.

I disagree. I don't think he said to her when they met: "just to give you a heads up, when we make plans to spend quality time together as a couple, I will repeatedly let you down and cancel on you - that ok?". I somehow don't think he said that, and therefore the OP couldn't possibly have foreseen that part and nor should she accept it.

Oh Tiredoftattler your posts on here are getting boring now. You seem to excuse any unreasonable behaviour.

You remind me of an old poster called Swingofthings who used to do the same and push the blame onto the poster, the problem was always their doing, no one else’s fault. You’re very black and white in your views and seem incapable of comprehending the emotions involved in these situations. Your responses are very robotic.

Do you have stepchildren?

Just to note...
It’s not ok he’s treating her badly just because he’s been honest about it. He is being extremely disrespectful by ignoring her, making her feel she can’t speak up about things that are making her unhappy, discrediting her feelings and refusing to compromise.
All of these things make him very unreasonable and are legitimate reasons to be upset and reconsider the relationship.

Just read the post.
Where this man is concerned he won't say no to his children in case they stop living him, and this will only get worse.
To treat you this way he can really be in live with you because your hurt feelings don't even factor in his life.
Time to change things in the New Year
Tell him that either he sets some boundaries with the children or it's over
Yes he will sulk, but maybe you cancelling in him will show if you matter or not
You deserve to be loved and to be put first some of the time, not just his bed warmer for when he has childless nights

She’s still around but name changed Sponge.

Why wait til the New Year? By which time OP might have been left on her own over Christmas? She needs to be acting now.

To Spongebobnopants:

The OP 's partner 's behavior is neither reasonable nor unreasonable. It is simply the choice and manner in which he has decided to live his life.
In the simplest of terms, the OP has chosen to live her life in a different way. Parenting styles and relationship management styles are choices that each one of us gets to make. They are not choices that we get to impose upon others.

The OP and her partner have made choices that are not compatible. Why must there be fault or blame? We can all suggest that the OP is right, but our collective chorus of "OP, you are right," leaves the OP in exactly the same spot that she is in now. The only difference is that she has testimonials from 200 people agreeing with her, but not one thing that will effect a change in her partners actions or beliefs.

The only change that she can make is in her continued participation in this relationship. Her partner has clearly stated his intentions as relates to his children. The OP has addressed the issue albeit gingerly with her partner.
As the saying goes, the first time it happened shame on him, the second and ongoing times, shame on her.
No reasonable woman can blame someone else for treatment that she knowingly, voluntarily, and willing accepts particularly something about which she has been repeatedly informed.

When as women are we ever going to accept the fact that we have much control over our own lives? All too often ,we are so afraid that we will never find another partner that we willingly tolerate that which makes us unhappy.

It is fear and not the partner that is making the OP incapable of exerting her own control and walking away. Supporting fear is not in my opinion a way to be supportive of women. We should own our choices and be proactive in choosing partners and situations compliment and are compatible with our personal lifestyle choices. There is no compatibility or meeting of the minds in this relationship.
No blame, no fault , just 2 people with different beliefs wanting different things.

'

It does not matter if he is motivated by daddy guilt or an absolute belief that he wants every bit of time that becomes available with his children.

Yes it does matter if he expects to be in an adult relationship at any stage of his life! This daddy guilt business is so unnecessary and so draining. A man can have a healthy relationship with and love his kids without it. It leads to parents making excuses for poor behaviour on the part of the child, and these behaviours then go unaddressed (see OP's example below), creating unboundaried and unhealthy parenting and ultimately "entitled" children who think they call the shots.

And he doesn't have "every bit of time available", does he? Because he makes plans with the OP, thereby making that time unavailable for anything else (or at least this is how it tends to work in normal relationships where there is a mutual respect for the other person). When he makes those plans, then treats allocated time for said plans as though it's "available" for other things, he disrespects the OP and makes a mockery of the importance of her time in his life.

We can all suggest that the OP is right, but our collective chorus of "OP, you are right," leaves the OP in exactly the same spot that she is in now.

Not necessarily. Sometimes the validation and emotional support of others is the exact driver a person needs to motivate them to stand up for themselves and say "you know what, you're all right! I'm not doing this anymore". How do you know our collective chorus isn't therefore helping her?? You don't.

You’re very black and white in your views and seem incapable of comprehending the emotions involved in these situations. Your responses are very robotic

Agreed. It all comes across as very pragmatic and devoid of any connection or empathy with the emotional aspects of the OP's situation.

We should own our choices and be proactive in choosing partners and situations compliment and are compatible with our personal lifestyle choices.

Sometimes it doesn't become apparent until later into the relationship that a person isn't compatible with your values. Sometimes a person changes their behaviour and values, and therefore you couldn't possibly have known. That's when you seek the support of others, as the OP has done, to try to make sense of it and seek some sort of validation for your situation, as the OP seems to be doing.

To Tiredoftattler:

The OP 's partner 's behavior is neither reasonable nor unreasonable
His choice to see his children isn’t, but the rest of his behaviour regarding it is. It is never acceptable to ignore your partner because you disagree with their views, nor is it reasonable or acceptable to be annoyed with them for how they feel by the way as a direct cause of your own actions. It or also neither reasonable or acceptable for your behaviour to make your partner fearful of your reaction for expressing their feelings.

Also @Tiredoftattler just to note if you want to address another poster directly just write @ followed by their username and it will tag them directly.

@Tiredoftattler this particular view is incredibly short sighted

We should own our choices and be proactive in choosing partners and situations compliment and are compatible with our personal lifestyle choice

It’s not that simple is it. No one enters a relationship thinking “Oh he’s not compatible with me and potentially emotionally abusive but I’ll keep dating him anyway”.
Often signs of incompatibility do not become apparent until you’ve already committed to the relationship and spent a considerable amount of time emotionally invested in that person. If you don’t spend a considerable amount of time and invest into the relationship with them then how on earth would you know them well enough to discover these incompatibilities?

In the honeymoon phase of relationships these problems often do not rear their ugly heads. It is almost always several years down the line when these problems become apparent as there becomes a recognised pattern of unreasonable or conflicting behaviour. At which point the couple of entangled emotionally (and sometimes financially) which makes it harder to walk away.

How do you think so many women end up in abusive relationships for example?