Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

[Stantons]

@pinkyxx if you are kind and reasonable in your question and respect the answers given then ask away

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I was on that FB group for a while but left after a few particularly nasty bunfights which I wasn’t involved in but didn’t enjoy witnessing. It also wasn’t very popular or updated very often.

There are quite a few different FB groups for step parents ranging from aww i luffs them to the nacho group which is something to behold. As we all know, blended families come in many guises and it’s difficult to find your tribe. MN has millions of posters from across the world and manages to be a supportive place for most other types of scenarios but for some reason it’s walking a very specific line about blended families that is unlike most other forums, or real life. I’d love to know why or how it started.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

May have been a different group Anne, as I don’t recall any bun fights and I’m an admin. Ours was quite chatty for a while, with everyone being very supportive of each other, but it did go quiet and I left when DP and I split up for a while.

[LastGoldenDaysOfSummer]

I've moaned to HQ many times about the dreadful treatment some step mothers get on here.

Some people seem to lurk ready to leap in with their bile.

It's not a good look.

[Bollss]

@Stantons

I also find on here that no one things the ex can be unreasonable or crazy, your OH must be making it up. If you say you've experienced it first hand then it must be your own fault and something you did to upset her

Yes this especially riles me. Dps ex is an absolute nightmare. However when we first got together she seemed like a nice, normal woman who cared about her children. Dp described her as exactly that. Their break up 2 years prior was amicable and they had remained so until after we got together, and then she changed. It was like a switch flicked. However I've been told dp is obviously spinning me a line I wish that were the case.

[Bollss]

@Pinkyxx

Not sure I am allowed to comment here or not.. I've sometimes felt I shouldn't. I'm now a single Mum who has a DC who spends time at their Dad's.

I've wanted in recent years to post here for other stepparent views on some of the issues I face with my ex / DCs stepmum, but based on some of the threads I've read I've never done so as I don't feel I'd get 'helpful' answers - rather I'd be eaten alive... I do however recognize I'm very sensitive about the topic as I feel so much pressure to get it ''right' for my DC sake.

I will say I find the single parent board pretty balanced in that the answer depends on the post - if the poster is looking for posters to agree when they're being totally unreasonable to their ex, they'll be told in the nicest possible way that they are the unreasonable party. If the ex is being unreasonable, they will get support for the most part. Not all single parents have step families though, and I've always though those living it get the dynamics better if that makes sense.

I would like for anyone to feel confident enough to post here!

[Pinkyxx]

@TrustTheGeneGenie

It would be nice wouldn't it? I have posted replies a few times myself for others threads genuinely trying to be supportive. I do sometimes feel sorry for the posters given some of the replies. We're all women at the end of the day (although men welcome of course!), it would be nice if we could support one another regardless of ''maternal / marital status''..

[MeridianB]

Thanks for starting this thread @TrustTheGeneGenie

I agree with much of what has been said here. I can’t remember the last time I started a thread on this board but it was definitely under a NC.

When I first started using it around 8 years ago, I was chastened by the harsh responses. I couldn’t believe that one board could be so toxic, so I did exactly what has been described here and posted under a different name on a different board with the same question as a ‘mother’ rather than SM, and of course got a completely different response. Understanding the limitations helped shape my (reduced) use of it.

As an optimist, I see a meaningful core of smart, kind, compassionate women providing enough genuine virtual support to eclipse the poisonous posters. Expecto Patronum!

In cynical moments I wonder if SMs are a demographic that MN just doesn’t see any commercial value in. And I suspect if the site bosses were petitioned for better moderation now they would simply recommend we join Premium.

But I haven’t given up yet. There’s enough good to keep fighting for.

[funinthesun19]

@funinthesun19 I always value and appreciate your supportive posts, I think yourself, @asofanearyou and a few others have made this a better section

Ah that makes me happy Glad my posts have been helpful, as well as other people’s posts too.
I’ve not posted a thread on this board for a long long time. I don’t need to now anyway. But when I was a stepmum I realised posting on here did more harm than good as I always ended up feeling even worse about the problems I was having. I had to take a break for a while.

Now I just lurk and enjoy telling people how ridiculous they are for stupid expectations they have of stepmums while hopefully being supportive too. Which I seem to be!

[Amanda87]

I think there are amazing people here with good stuff to say.
But honestly, as a step mother I can't really feel like I can say what I truly think/feel without being slammed by either mothers or ex wives that think they're entitled to tell step mothers how to live their lives and will get offended by everything and everyone, and also will give you the speech.
So it sucks for most of it.
Being a step parent is a challenge, and I think this section should be for step parents only and not for people that come butt in here looking for fights.

[NonCisWoman]

I posted once to ask for advice about my partner's situation. He has his son 60% of the time, yet the mother gets both the child benefit and maintenance from my partner. I said that my partner was looking into stopping the maintenance given that it should be him receiving it, not her.

I was piled on. Most people called me something along the lines of "heartless" and accused me of being the other woman (which i wasn't, she left him for another man!)

I will never ask for advice here again. It's bonkers!

[aSofaNearYou]

@Stantons 🤗 Thankyou, I really appreciate that!

I will never forget what a lonely and disheartening experience it was getting involved with someone with a kid and discovering quite how unfriendly the world was towards you, so I do find it very therapeutic trying to help others in a similar position not to feel that way.

I don't think it can be underestimated how much of a negative impact being on forums like this can have on someone quite likely to be struggling with feeling pretty low and isolated due to the situation.

[SpongebobNoPants]

@PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair I was part of that same group and think I helped you in the early days of it if you’re who I think you are 😊
Was it the Facebook group we started because of Swing and her bullying ways on here? 😂

No one really seems to use our group anymore and I genuinely hope it’s because they’ve all found peace in their blended family situations, although I’d be happy to share the link with anyone who would like to join and start conversations flowing again in a safe space.

Please feel free to DM me if anyone would like the extra support

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Hi Spongebob! Yes I’m hoping it went quiet because everyone either found their peace in the blended family they created, or had the courage to leave instead. Might pop in and say hello just in case

[wishywashywoowoo70]

I am a step parent of a child with only one birth parent and I'd be terrified to post on here.
I tried once and I swore never again

[Nosnogginginthekitchen]

Do step dads get the same vitriol or is it just the women who get castigated no matter what?

[SpongebobNoPants]

Just the women. Stepdads are heroes who take on broken families and financially support the innocent victim of the divorce... which is always the ExW dontcha know

[Beamur]

Actually that's largely true. You very rarely see stepdads getting a caning!

[purpleboy]

I have to agree with pp.

I'm often shocked at the aggressiveness of some posters, they really are projecting their own insecurities and issues onto other posters.

I'm a first wife, my dd had a stepmum and tbf she was hideous, openly told me she didn't like dd because she looked like me, said she wasn't invited on holiday because she isn't part of the family, the list goes on! As it turns out dd no longer has contact with her dad, I blame both of them for that.

However many of my friends are stepparents I have remarried so my dd now has a stepdad, done right stepparents can be fantastic and I really don't like tarring everyone with the same brush, which is exactly what happens on here. Stepmums are seen as wicked even when they've done nothing wrong.

MNHQ really should moderate the comments, and as already happens the more posters get called out, hopefully the less likely they will continue.

[LouJ85]

Stepdads are heroes who take on broken families and financially support the innocent victim of the divorce...

Except for stepdads who are also non resident fathers to their own children, don't forget. They are always without exception, according to MN, useless Disney dads (despise that term!), who don't pay enough (the CMS bare minimum that they have had been advised to pay to exW ?!! How dare they?!), and also they don't make enough effort with the kids... ever. No exceptions.

[Bibidy]

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Absolutely not, I would never post an issue here as there is such an anti step-parent vibe on this site - anti step-mother in particular.

There are so many regular responders who aren't step parents themselves so have no real insight into the dynamics, and many whose kids have a stepmother so they feel justified in coming here just to be rude and unhelpful.

I use another site to post any step-parent issues as it's far more supportive and is full of people who actually are step-parents themselves.

[Bibidy]

MN has some very strange standards for step-parents. You must love them like your own even if they were teenagers when you met them and only see them once a fortnight. You should have known what you were getting into - even though no one would ever say that to a mum struggling with the children she planned and deliberately got pregnant with. The children should always, always come first, even if that means a step-mum has to have both legs amputated and get herself home from hospital by herself because the DSC has a karate exam that day and their mum is on holiday. The DSCs must be included in everything even if it’s a trip to Peppa Pig World for their half sibling’s second birthday and the DSCs are 17.

This is SOOOOOOOO accurate!!!!

[LouJ85]

The children should always, always come first, even if that means a step-mum has to have both legs amputated and get herself home from hospital by herself because the DSC has a karate exam that day and their mum is on holiday. The DSCs must be included in everything even if it’s a trip to Peppa Pig World for their half sibling’s second birthday and the DSCs are 17.

This made me laugh out loud,

Don't forget that thou shalt not dare have anything that could be described as remotely fun with your own DCs in the DSCs' absence. You must wait so they can be included. Even if that means your DC getting upset about missing out. It will never be just about them. Ever. Amen.

[Bibidy]

MN has millions of posters from across the world and manages to be a supportive place for most other types of scenarios but for some reason it’s walking a very specific line about blended families that is unlike most other forums, or real life. I’d love to know why or how it started.

I think it's because it's mainly a community of mothers here and many can only relate posts to step-parents coming into their own kids' lives. It's not a balanced mix of responders.

What makes me the saddest is when an SM is about to give birth to her own baby and people pile on and make her feel like sh*t for wanting her partner to be available to be there with her while she gives birth. Or even for wanting any time after the birth to just settle back home and try and get used to having a newborn.

Any other new mum on here gets told that she should do whatever she wants and needs when she has a newborn. Ban visitors, stop her OH going out etc etc. But as soon as that woman is revealed as an SM as well as a new mum she should just get over herself and understand that she and her baby deserve no consideration at all.

It makes my blood boil.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello everyone.

We've read all your comments here and while it's good that quite a few of you have said there have been improvements on this board in recent years, it's pretty clear from what you're saying that we're not quite there yet.

We're not likely to see a post unless it's reported to us - and so we do need the users of this board to let us know when they see something. We absolutely do not allow abusive posts and will always delete these when reported.

We appreciate the specific challenges that step-parenting brings - and this should be a space for people to talk about this and feel supported without worrying about personal attacks. With all this in mind, we'll also make a point of intervening earlier on threads that are reported to us.

Thank you.