Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

Sorry - her mother!
Is her mother not one of the children's "relatives"??!

Seems a bit ironic to talk about hyperbole given the amount of hyperbole that is thrown around ABOUT the step children and how much damage every little thing will cause them.

Good point!

I'm trying my hardest to imagine a scenario whereby by ex got in touch with me on his contact time with my DD saying "I'm really sorry an unexpected situation had happened - step mum needs to go to hospital" and me responding with "fuck that, I ain't your babysitter - keep MY daughter where she is thanks." On what planet to most people live?!

This ^^

In any circumstances, everyone has the choice to behave like a decent person, no matter what the other party may / may not have done.

@Pinkyxx

Exactly. There's so much talk on these boards about the children "must come first"!! But then in the same breath "mum's not your DP's babysitter, ask someone else to have them while his partner is in labour". Does this sound like putting the kids first?! Is it really in the kids' best interests for mum to respond very unhelpfully like that? No of course not. Double standards.

And the flack the poster is getting on this board for her parents not treating step grandchildren the same as their actual grandchildren is another reason you won’t get any support here

I have learnt so much from this board. Initially as a single mum who was trying to deal with evil step mum ( believe me she was and my Ex awful) to temporary GF and to now new soon to be step mum who is fab and we get on really well.

I also learnt as a new step mum myself and now a few years in the changing dynamics of hormonal teens and DSCs leaving for Uni.

There are some awful things said on both sides - ergo, it is our year to buy DSC school uniform, they go to same school as my DCS - is it OK if I buy them the cheaper versions and my DCS the school suppliers, to the well you knew he had DC comments.
but also some unbelievably sage advice. Would be disappointed if it got closed

Me personally, if my daughter had a step mum who wanted to take care of her and love her i would be happy.. Its a huge thing to take on someone else's kid, I'd have nothing but respect for them and a good step parent would never overstep the boundaries so I would never feel threatened. Step parents, particulary step mums get such a bad rep on here.. When the bigger picture is they want good relationships with the step children. You can't ask for more than that.

And the flack the poster is getting on this board for her parents not treating step grandchildren the same as their actual grandchildren is another reason you won’t get any support here

Wtaf? Just when you think it can't get any worse! My parents have barely even met my partner's kids, let alone "treat them the same" as my daughter! Insane.

I read and post on threads here rather than start new threads here. I have no issue laying into posters who ask the OP stupid and irrelevant questions like "Were you the OW?"

My perspective is clouded by the fact I had 2 step-mothers - one lovely and the other one completely horrible - plus I'm a step-mother myself whose DP's ex is a horrible woman. Luckily my siblings from my horrible step-mother and my SC are all lovely people, and I didn't/don't have to have a relationship with their horrible mothers.

When I gave birth, the SC's were at their Mums. They came to visit me and DD in hospital and may even have been here when I got home from hospital. I was happy with that, as were their parents. They were intensely curious about the new baby and it was nice to have them at home. We really wanted the kids to feel that the baby was theirs too.
A few years earlier I had a miscarriage. Inconveniently on the day that the SC were due to come to us. DH hadn't seen them for 2 weeks as they had been on holiday with their Mum. He contacted her and asked if she would keep them a few more days as we had a difficult situation. She did, without complaint or murmur. (He didn't do this often).
DH contacted the kids and apologised but said he would see them soon.
In one situation he put me first, in the other it wasn't a case of priorities but I reckon if I had asked for a couple of days before they came round he would have supported me. Funnily enough the kids now do not remember the time he put them off at all. Because no one made a fuss about it. No lasting harm was done. It only becomes a point scoring battle if you let it - but it only takes one parent to start making it like that.
The argument about treating SC's the same as other children in the family by grandparents isn't always black and white. But broadly speaking, they aren't the same and it's unreasonable to expect it, but if there are circumstances where you're hurting a child with this attitude I would expect more kindness and empathy.

Loving this post!!! I’ve had an experience on here last year posting about my blended family and how I was struggling to adjust to my fiancé’s parenting style and his son when he visits.... I was shot down in flames lol! I think that it’s over whelming being a step parent and you fall in love not having a clue what it’s like having to share your partner and then expect them to take part in being in your child’s life. It’s hard bloody work at times.

I come on mums net when I need to vent but I do get scared to look at the comments lol but in my opinion this is here to let us vent and we shouldn’t be judged xx

Ignore @Isthatitnow

They appear to sleuth around on this board projecting left, right and centre with a very clear ulterior motive. Only you know what that is IsThatIt but your constant belittling, bullying and berating hasn't gone unnoticed.

Genuine question for @mnhq

If, for example, the conception or mental health boards had the same reputation the steppareting boards have, would you let that continue? If they were regularly infiltrated by those not only with conception or mental health issues themselves, but were actively hostile towards them, would they be allowed to continually post with no warnings/repercussions?

I hope I know the answer to that and quite rightly. So I fail to see how this forum is any different. I am a heavy MN user but I honestly don't know why I come on this forum anymore, I just leave feeling worse than I ever did before.

I've woken up and seen yet another thread this morning from a stepparent with a perfectly reasonable query getting pulled apart, when you know if it was the stepkids mum she would be encouraged to do this and more and praised for what a wonderful mother she is. I'm so sick of it. All it does is trigger me (I never use that word but I actually can't think of a better word) and put me in a sad or bad mood.

Thank you for starting this thread OP.
Something has to be done..

I only came to MN and this board in the last 18 months or so and I have learned a lot.

I believe that there is most definitely a divide. This can at times be one of the most negative boards on MN.
There are definitely A LOT of bitter ex-wives on here who seem to deliberately have their claws out on here for any stepmother. There are (sadly) also a number of adult SC on this board who seem to hold the similar “Grimms Fairy Tale” view that all stepmothers are awful people so they can at times be equally vitriolic in their responses. That may be because of their own past experiences but it certainly doesn’t give them the right to tar us all with the same brush and be utterly unreasonable / vile.

The double standards on here are what really gall me. It’s made clear from some of the above mentioned type posters that whatever we do - we often can’t win. Stepmothers are not just held to a high standard, we are held to an impossible standard.

When I added my first thread (under a different username) asking for advice on how to handle a situation I was at my wits end, regularly having a good old cry because I got bugger all support from DH and couldn’t talk to my friends as none of them were in a similar situation. Then I found this board so I dared to ask my question. Initially I got a LOT of judgemental comments and some posters were horrid. Then I got a few responses from other posters who were actually step-parents and my faith was slightly restored that a) I wasn’t alone in my experience and b)
I wasn’t unreasonable or a horrible person for feeling the way that I do.

Now that I’ve been on here for a while I pay little attention to the opinions of those who clearly aren’t step-parents.
The positive that I have found on this board are a handful of other wonderfully supportive step-mothers who regularly comment on posts with excellent advice. That doesn’t mean to say we necessarily always agree on how to handle a situation and may have slightly different views at times but these are all people who are stepmothers or have been there in the past and actually know what they are talking about and like I said, offer excellent advice and support. It’s these ladies that make this board worthwhile in my (humble) opinion.

I’ve not RTFT yet so I may well be back to add a further point.

This is a great thread. As a stepmum myself I try to be a supportive poster giving practical ideas though I confess I got wound up by the tone of one poster this week. I should have just ignored the thread.
My pet hates on this board...

• when people answer the ‘are you the OW?’ question. Why even engage with that unless it’s obviously deeply relevant to the situation
• when posters get flamed for using the expression biomum- it’s 99 times in 100 an innocent mistake
• the ‘you knew what you were getting yourself into’ brigade. I’m 5 odd years in to being with my partner and even this morning I had a wtf crisis over my position as stepmum (hoping it’s my hormones!)
• when people derail the ‘tell me something good about step-parenting’ threads

I know that stepmums make mums feel uncomfortable and I think that can subconsciously play into a lot of the chat on this forum. Even in real life I’ve learned not to join in work chat about children with anecdotes about my lovely DSD as it makes the real parents feel uncomfortable. Maybe I make them imagine the scenario that their child could be a DSD to someone one day? I don’t know. I just know that, unless I am with genuine friends, I keep my stepmum life to myself.

Fab. Does that mean all children are excited at the prospect of a new sibling in their other household? Or do you think some of them may struggle with their feelings as to what that might mean for them?

In my case personally I am confident all 3 children will be fine and dandy. Thanks for asking

Ignore @Isthatitnow*

They appear to sleuth around on this board projecting left, right and centre with a very clear ulterior motive. Only you know what that is IsThatIt but your constant belittling, bullying and berating hasn't gone unnoticed.*

Noted! Thanks for the heads up

I put a post on a few years ago. My DH was the PWC, and my DSD spent 2 days a week with mum. We paid for everything DSD needed, all clothes, school supplies, trips, pocket money everything. Mum never bought anything ever. The only clothes she had at her mums house were the ones we bought. Mum only had herself at home, and alone earned almost double what we earned combined. We were a blended family of 5 and financially we were drowing. Mum claimed CB and tc for DSD but refused to ever her buy anything , including birthday and Christmas presents that we had to pay for, wrap up and deliver to her or DSD would know her mum hadnt bought her anything. She admitted herself she had no financial problems, she just "didnt see why she had to pay for anything when my DH left her and there were 2 of us"It came to a head when we were so broke i had to sell my heirloom ring to pay for her prom dress the same week her mum had booked and paid for herself to go away on holiday for a week. I posted on here and it was our fault, mum shouldnt havr to pay for anything and we needed to do more for DSD and stop expecting mum to contribute in any way shape or form. I was horrified. If it had been the other way round, ie deadbeat dad instead of mum as we so often see on here, dad would have been ripped to shreds and mum would have had all the sympathy.

I'm not a step parent but my DP is to my DD (although I'm sure many would say he wasn't as we aren't married and I don't want to in the future, so when does he become the SP??). I sometimes come on here to defend the OP as the amount of horrible comments are disgusting. The one I hate is, 'his DC should always come first' - nope no child should come first to everyone all of the time. Most of the time my DD comes first but sometimes I have to put my DP first (for example he had a surgery, when he came home I looked after him and DD went to my parents). Or 'you knew he had DC' - I was a SP and struggled a lot in the early years, no-one ever said to me 'you knew what you were doing' everyone was supportive.

I often comment that the OP should have posted they were their DC as they would get much better advice which is a shame.

The constant defence on the RP on here is really odd. I have seen some really shit mothers, who are only interested in money from their ex and interfering in the relationship between the NRP and DC. I have supported a relative through the courts to get full custody, I wrote about it on here at the time but had it deleted as the defence and the vile comments at my relative was so upsetting. His ex stopped contact from flimsy reasons, withheld contact when she wanted more money, accused him of attacking her (CCTV showed no such thing happened), accused him of abuse towards DC (she was coaching them, they told the HT and psychologist), forbade any visits to family, continually broke the court order. There was about 20 out of 200 comments that were supportive the rest were just about he must have done something and he should do more to support the mom. Even when i said I had been fully involved in the process and read the court papers, it was he is only showing you what he wants, the defence of her went on and on. He has full residency of the DC now and they have flourished but if I had taken the advice on here I dread to think what would have happened (I asked for advice when he was at a cross roads of taking her back for breaking the court order or applying for residency).

I'm a SP. I would never ever post on here. People are vile. I know my DH ex can be awful I've seen it! She's been awful to me, she says awful things about us to the kids, told awful lies. My dh never retaliates and gets so upset at what she does, not to him but at how it effects the sdc. I do loads with sdc but also know I'm not their parent. But if I posted any problem, I know I'd be the OW, DH would be a shit dad and everything would be his fault and his ex would be an angel and any behaviour would be our fault.
Makes me laugh how a dad can do 50/50 and that's terrible taking them from their mum and also their mum is still made out to be the proper parent but also any less than 50/50 they are also awful and a shit dad not seeing the kids enough, their poor mum!
I also should do everything for them and have no life and dedicate myself and love them more than anyone but also have no say whatsoever, never tell them off and not get involved in anything because I am not their parent.
So I've never posted as when your low the thought of that kind of abuse is just awful, especially when you just want some advice.

The constant defence on the RP on here is really odd.
*
If I posted any problem, I know I'd be the OW, DH would be a shit dad and everything would be his fault and his ex would be an angel and any behaviour would be our fault.*

Completely agree. Such an odd dynamic that exists on here. RP always must have a shiny halo above her head, because gos forbid the poor innocent "victim" of the divorce (which in my case she caused through an affair and initiated herself) could do any wrong. She's just been "left" with the kids, while Dad swans off and builds his career and earns his millions. Haha. If only my DP had millions!!

Gos?! God* even

Yep. I think posters just look for something on you so they feel justified.

I don't think any of those posters have ever believed any of the things dps ex has done.
I remember being told it was right that dp had walked away with a tiny % of equity in the house he'd paid for on his own, and it was totally fair that he'd have to wait for half of that % percent for almost ten years (he still hasn't had it yet). Nobody found it horrendous that she asked me to pay child maintenance on top of what dp paid. Was also apparently fine that she literally left their child on my doorstep frequently during my maternity leave without even asking if I was in first.

Some ex wives genuinely are horrible bitter twisted selfish women who don't care about their own children and only care about upsetting their ex. It has certainly been my experience.

@trustthegenegenie you must have done something to make her act like that though?

[quote Stantons]@trustthegenegenie you must have done something to make her act like that though?[/quote]
Yes. She partnered up with her DSD’s Dad.

If Genies behaviour was bad it would make her requests, not least dropping her daughter off with her regularly even MORE batshit. Not less.

Some ex wives genuinely are horrible bitter twisted selfish women who don't care about their own children and only care about upsetting their ex. It has certainly been my experience.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Yep. Mine too.