Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

Oh clearly that’s going to be pushing them out and they’ll be scarred for life if he prioritises being with you while you give birth.

Maybe they should just come into the delivery room while I push the baby out?? It seems the only acceptable way. (Bearing in mind I wouldn't even want my own DD witnessing that!! ) 😂

Oh no because you wouldn’t be able to give them your full attention and they might get upset that you’re concentrating on something else

@funinthesun19

Oh no because you wouldn’t be able to give them your full attention and they might get upset that you’re concentrating on something else

Oh dear!! I'm in a real no win situation here aren't I?!

@funinthesun19

When the dad has a new baby with his partner, I think the negative comments on here are actually about the mum’s insecurities about her child no longer being the only one in daddy’s life anymore. That’s why the child needs to be there as soon as they walk through the door from the hospital, just in case daddy has miraculously forgotten about the child that she has with him. Or just miss the birth all together.

Absolutely DH’s ex was so far up his arse when I had a baby. She was literally ringing him to sing down the phone to him with DSD. She would send him daily anecdotes. A stark change from telling him he was a s*it dad year on year! Now the shine has worn off we’re back to business as usual!

My niece stayed with my Parents after the birth of her brother. She had a lovely time rather than being sidelined by her parents to the needs of a new baby

Your niece wasn’t living across two households? You are comparing apples and pears.

there is no reason why a week's break in contact would cause lasting issues as long as both parents are on the same page with their approach

I have not suggested ‘lasting issues’ are the problem. Rather, it is not unreasonable a child feels insecure when one of their parents has an additional child with someone else and said child misses contact as a result. It is easy to rationalise later as an adult but a bit harder when you’re ten and are not sure what that means for you.

You assume both parents are able to communicate. Frequently they can’t. Talk of ‘none of her business’ when it comes to letting mum know about a pregnancy (always how it goes on this forum) but then expecting the same mum to be supportive regarding a pregnancy no one bothered to inform her about .

I saw nothing but excitement from her in the lead up to that moment, contrary to the perception of the "pushed aside", emotionally scarred child that seems to be projected on here

Fab. Does that mean all children are excited at the prospect of a new sibling in their other household? Or do you think some of them may struggle with their feelings as to what that might mean for them?

My DP has made it clear to exW that if the kids happen to be with us when I go into labour (still 4/5 months to go) then he'll be taking them straight back, and that if she does her usual disappearing act and isn't home when they're due back, he'll be taking them to her mother's

So how does that work? Why is it your DP’s expectation that his ex does the parenting on his parenting time? Why has he not arranged childcare or a relative in case this scenario occurs? Why is his ex his babysitter? Why should she fill in on his time, unless she is happy to do so? As for taking them to their grandmothers, what does it have to do with her? Why should she support her daughter’s ex and provide childcare for him?

You've ignored what was said, and then had a go in regards something totally different about an imaginary situation

What was said was post after sarcastic post full of hyperbole including ‘stepchildren come first over the hungry baby’. More and more posts with an unpleasant tone about the stepchildren, seemingly for daring to exist. As for imaginary...are you sure? And not having a go. You’re too sensitive. It’s perfectly possible for there to be two sides to a situation. Neither is necessarily wrong whilst neither is necessarily right either.

“Why has he not arranged childcare or a relative in case this scenario occurs?“
The children’s mother (in their own home) or their grandmother (where presumably they will feel at home) would seem to be relatives? Or is it more important that the relative has to be on Dads side because anyone who shares DNA with the mum shouldn’t have anything to do with the children if it happens to be as a side effect of their sibling being born?
You’d be horrified at what’s happening in our family next week. My MiL is providing a whole weekend of childcare for her sons ex. Yes. She is the child’s grandmother, but why should she support her sons ex? There are no babies being born though, so maybe that’s ok?
Your niece wasn’t living across two households? You are comparing apples and pears
Did that answer to the usual “what would you do if they were your biological children?” question just not suit? If anything, surely it’s an advantage here that the kids have another home to stay in rather than a camp bed at aunties or whatever?

Your niece wasn’t living across two households? You are comparing apples and pears

I don’t understand the relevance. Her biological parents chose for her to stay somewhere else following the birth of a subsequent child.

How does that differ significantly from separated parents choosing to have the child stay somewhere else.

Are you saying if Dad and SM sent child to stay with Grandparents following the birth of their half sibling that would be ok, but a few extra days at Mum’s wouldn’t be.

I’m not comparing apples and pears. It’s a very similar context.

I guess it was only a matter of time before this thread was hijacked.

I have not suggested ‘lasting issues’ are the problem. Rather, it is not unreasonable a child feels insecure when one of their parents has an additional child with someone else and said child misses contact as a result. It is easy to rationalise later as an adult but a bit harder when you’re ten and are not sure what that means for you.

Whilst it might be harder to rationalise when you’re ten, a ten year old also does not have the thought processes or behind-the-scenes knowledge of the relationship(s) between the adults. If a child is made to feel loved and secure day to day then they will tend to accept whatever narrative is presented to them even if one parent might privately perceive it as a negative thing.

Case in point - my DH had his DC each week Thu-Sun because their mother wanted to spend every single weekend alone with the partner she left DH for. Despite their mother prioritising her new DP over her kids, DH always stayed positive about her so they simply accepted that this was the way things were and never questioned it. They’re adults now but they still don’t look back and question it because a combination of their mum’s Disney parenting the rest of the time and DH not telling them the truth reinforced their belief that she’d have been with them if she could.

Now imagine DH had wanted to point score by telling them their mum never wanted to spend any quality time with them on a weekend. They would have picked up on every subsequent occasion where she prioritised her new DP over them and DH would have got to play good cop sympathising and comforting the DC over their mum’s behaviour. They’d know the truth but at what cost to their self esteem and mental health?

The problem on Step Parenting is that there are a number of posters with a personal axe to grind who circle the board derailing thread after thread to push their narrative that the cause of any child’s unhappiness lies primarily with the NRP’s side of the equation. Any background info about the children’s mother is dismissed as naivety, jealously, insecurity, or vitriol.
The questioning by certain posters of an OP’s version of events often goes way beyond ascertaining the wider context of what’s happening and becomes aggressive or accusatory.

I don’t think step parents want an echo chamber here, rather a space safe from continually having to defend our own situations from the sins of certain posters’ exes.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I would like to know, and would like *@mnhq* to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

To answer your questions no I dont think you can be honest about how you feel , apparently you shouldnt have feelings as a step parent . Seek support ? Well you can try , but will get torn apart . Chat about being a step parent, not really , I read enough step parent posts to know not to post anymore .

And yes this board generally kicks people when their down . As soon as I see the word stepmother , I think you've already made a mistake by saying that one word .

Why do mn refuse to listen ? Probably because you've used the word stepmother/stepfather

@meridianb indeed no surprise @isthatitnow well done, you've successfully switched it from a glimmer of support and change to a step bashing thread

My ex’s parents have looked after my children a couple of times for me. I don’t understand what is wrong with that.
Or is it ok because I’m the mum/rp and I’m entitled to it?

Your niece wasn’t living across two households? You are comparing apples and pears
What has the two households thing got to do with anything? She still wasn’t around in the very early days of her sibling coming home. If it was going to do her some damage it doesn’t matter how many homes she’s got. Children are all individuals, and the one with 2 homes might be the one who spends two weeks with granny and has a ball. Whereas the one with 1 home does like it. You’re being far too black and white with it.

*whereas the one with 1 home doesn’t like it

I think mumsnet is a bizarre and largely unpleasant place full stop. It’s particularly bad for step parents though.

I’ve only started one thread for advice and people literally tore me, my relationship and my parenting apart. It wasn’t even anything very controversial. I’m not a step parent but I wouldn’t post on this board if I was.

Oh dear.

@Isthatitnow what's your motivation here?

I'd be interested to know as you've seemingly just come here to do exactly what I've complained about (albeit in a more civilized way than others I'll give you that)

Are you a step parent? Step child who had a bad experience? Ex wife? Just bored?

I guess it was only a matter of time before this thread was hijacked

I'm actually surprised it lasted so long :(

To all the Step Mums out there .

It’s the equivalent of first being asked “what’s your household income” and “what’s the division of labour in the home” before being able to ask a parenting question.

So how does that work? Why is it your DP’s expectation that his ex does the parenting on his parenting time? Why has he not arranged childcare or a relative in case this scenario occurs? Why is his ex his babysitter?

Why is his ex his "babysitter"? The mother of the children is now a babysitter? This is brilliant.

I'll tell you why he has no family to take them to anymore shall I. Because for many years his exW absolutely abused the parental grandmother as a babysitter - dumping the kids there left right and centre as often as she could without warning and then not being home when they needed to go back! So his mother unsurprisingly isn't keen anymore and that relationship has been damaged to the point she barely takes them now.

And here we go.... you're forcing people to justify themselves and their situations on a post aimed at supporting step parents! There's always one who just can't help themselves

*I guess it was only a matter of time before this thread was hijacked

I'm actually surprised it lasted so long :(*

Me too. And that poster below is precisely why I will never use this board for "support"!!

Referring to the children's mother as a "babysitter" is beyond anything i can even comprehend. This place is like an alternate universe.

I'm trying my hardest to imagine a scenario whereby by ex got in touch with me on his contact time with my DD saying "I'm really sorry an unexpected situation had happened - step mum needs to go to hospital" and me responding with "fuck that, I ain't your babysitter - keep MY daughter where she is thanks." On what planet to most people live?!

The problem on Step Parenting is that there are a number of posters with a personal axe to grind who circle the board derailing thread after thread to push their narrative that the cause of any child’s unhappiness lies primarily with the NRP’s side of the equation. Any background info about the children’s mother is dismissed as naivety, jealously, insecurity, or vitriol.
The questioning by certain posters of an OP’s version of events often goes way beyond ascertaining the wider context of what’s happening and becomes aggressive or accusatory.

Case in point - see below.

*paternal grandmother, not parental!

“Why has he not arranged childcare or a relative in case this scenario occurs?“
The children’s mother (in their own home) or their grandmother (where presumably they will feel at home) would seem to be relatives?

I also love how he has to "arrange" childcare in advance for my labour. How many babies have you had, @Isthatitnow? How lovely and predictable were your labours? Did you arrange them in advance?

In my case - although paternal grandmother does indeed come under the category of relative, as I've already said - due to repeated pushing of boundaries and taking advantage of childcare offered (exW is someone the "give an inch and they take a mile" saying was invented for), paternal grandmother is sadly no longer an option for dad either (she certainly wouldn't keep them overnight for example). What if I go into labour in the night?? Leave them crying on her doorstep? Perhaps I should just take them to the delivery suite with me??! 🤷‍♀️

Aaaand breathe. 😂

Note to self. Mumsnet is not - repeat not - the place for support or advice!

I don't think the hyperbole is necessary.

Seems a bit ironic to talk about hyperbole given the amount of hyperbole that is thrown around ABOUT the step children and how much damage every little thing will cause them.

@Isthatitnow

*Why has he not arranged childcare or a relative in case this scenario occurs?
*
As for taking them to their grandmothers, what does it have to do with her? Why should she support her daughter’s ex and provide childcare for him?

These are your questions literally sentences apart. Can you not see the blatant contradiction?! Is his mother not the relative too demanded to know why he hasn't "arranged"?

You- Why has he not arranged care with a relative?
Me - What you mean his mother, who was mentioned in the post?
You - What does it have to do with his mother? Why is she providing childcare?

Eh?!!! Anyone else need a drink?? 😂