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Original poster

DD not allowed at Dad's

72 replies

supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 10:42

Hi, I just wanted to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not really! (Both DD's have different Dads).

Backstory is DD8 tested positive for Covid-19. Mild symptoms, isolated, back at school today. DD15 had to miss her weekend at her Dad's due to having to self isolate (she didn't develop any symptoms so assuming she didn't catch it).

DD15 is due to go to her Dad's this weekend (his weekend), but he has just messaged and said that she can't come this weekend and it has to be the following weekend instead, at which point it would be 3 weeks since he had seen her.

The reason is that his wife suffers from anxiety and she is too worried about DD15 going over. DD15 finishes isolation on Wednesday and can return to school on Thursday.

Is his wife worrying about DD15 going over enough reason for his to cancel this weekend's contact? I get anxiety is a real thing but....

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/11/2020 10:48

I think its just one of those things tbh, Everyone is coping with this differently. Will leaving the visit to next weekend really hurt?

she didn't develop any symptoms so assuming she didn't catch it Just because she wasn't showing symptoms does not mean she didn't catch it.

HeddaGarbled · 16/11/2020 10:53

I bet he’s had all sorts of grief at home about this. I’d accommodate him if you can.

Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 10:57

I have offered to get DD15 tested today to show if she's negative, but he's still said no.

DD15 is very upset about not seeing her Dad for 3 weeks

OP posts:
lunar1 · 16/11/2020 10:58

She is only asking for an extra week, it's probably not the place to draw your line in the sand. Everyone is struggling in different ways with the pandemic. It's disappointing your daughter won't see her dad for an extra week, but where we can I think we all need to cut each other a little slack.

FundamentallyFucked · 16/11/2020 11:03

DD15 is very upset about not seeing her Dad for 3 weeks

This would concern me in a 15 year old. Ok, it's a bit crap but no reason to be very upset.

I fully support the idea of waiting another week.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/11/2020 11:06

@supershooter15

I have offered to get DD15 tested today to show if she's negative, but he's still said no.

DD15 is very upset about not seeing her Dad for 3 weeks

I think at 15 Your DD is old enough to understand the situation.
Quartz2208 · 16/11/2020 11:07

Your DD has self isolate the required amount (I think that can be fuzzy in your OP) and is back and school so has finished her self isolation - given actually she will only be doing 2 days of school ironically she is probably safer this weekend then any following ones when she has being going out and about a bit more

She is probably very upset that having been self isolating for 2 weeks her Dad has prioritised his wife's anxiety over seeing her

Have you got plans with her the following weekend (which I assume isnt his) how is he expecting it to work then 2 weekends in a row?

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2020 11:09

@ZeroFuchsGiven what situation though? That after self isolating for 2 weeks she is still deemed to be a risk (even though she is probably far less of a risk than she will be the weekend after when she has been at school for a lot longer) and that her Dad is actually putting his wife unnecessary anxiety first. And that there is a fair chance this will be said again the following weekend.

Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 11:10

For those of you who are asking why DD15 is very upset - she is autistic and isn't great with any change of routine. And yes she does seem to think that her Dad has prioritised his wife over her!

No plans at the moment as I wasn't expecting to be having her x

OP posts:
Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 11:12

@Quartz2208 Oh sorry I mis read what you wrote - I'm not sure if he'll be having her the following weekend (technically my weekend!)

OP posts:
Oxyiz · 16/11/2020 11:24

Could there be a compromise where they meet up outside and go for a long walk somewhere, with flasks of tea etc?

Yes its "just" someone's anxiety but that's not an easy thing to overcome. You have had recent positive cases in the close family, its a pretty unique situation which hopefully won't be repeated?

RB68 · 16/11/2020 11:24

she is quite right he has prioritised his wife over her

He needs to meet her for the day somewhere, tricky at the moment but could easily do some walking, take away coffee or take away lunch

His wife is being ridiculous - sorry but she is, and this point needs to be made to him and that it is his daughter that is suffering.

Anxiety is real but escalates if not managed - if she is really that anxious she needs to be down the GP sorting herself out and not stopping him seeing his Autistic daughter who has clearly been through enough

Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 11:32

@RB68 I suggested he meet her somewhere but he said no as he'll have been in contact with her, and then he'll be going home to his wife and she won't cope with that!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/11/2020 11:34

How has she been coping before I know she has been around a confirmed case but given she is at school I cannot see the risk being more this weekend

aSofaNearYou · 16/11/2020 11:36

I agree with others saying I wouldn't make this my hill to die on. Lots of people are anxious but your DD is coming from a household where there has actually just been a Covid case, which is about as anxiety inducing as it gets.

If she went, she'd be unlikely to have a good time anyway with a tense atmosphere between dad and SM and wincing every time she touches something or coughs.

It's only one week, I would let this go and possibly suggest an outside walk instead.

Coyoacan · 16/11/2020 11:37

I personally think her dad is being a jerk, but there is nothing you can do about it.

Alexandernevermind · 16/11/2020 11:44

Her dad sound like a wet lettuce and his wife sounds like an arse. Sorry. So it's been okay for you as her mother to have take the risk of contact (quite rightly) through her illness, but her dad doesn't trust the science enough to risk seeing her even after isolation, even when she is okay to go to school? Your poor daughter, the fact that she is autistic just makes it even worse.

Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 11:44

@Quartz2208 There are actually 2 school age children living with her Dad and his wife so I'm not sure how she copes on a daily basis

OP posts:
Spied · 16/11/2020 11:48

Its only a week.
Has your DD actually isolated for 14 days since her DS tested positive?

Magda72 · 16/11/2020 11:50

I too would let this go. I do appreciate it's hard on your dd but I do feel people's individual reactions to Covid have to be respected.
I have two sisters over 60 & neither have underlying health issues. One will let me nowhere near her (and I mean nowhere) as I have a teen in school. The other is fine with meeting but distancing.
I just think everyone is handling this differently and I know lots of adults who are very anxious & wary of being around kids/teens as so many of them have covid but are asymptomatic & it is spreading through the schools.
All that being said I do think your dd's dad needs to have a long reassuring chat with dd & ensure that she knows anxiety about covid is everywhere & that it's not personal.
In the early days of this my exh was still using public transport for work & he opted to not see our kids for weeks which both the kids & I got as we felt it was too risky.
We're living in weird times & I think we all need a little give & take no matter what our ages or circumstances.

lunar1 · 16/11/2020 11:50

For someone with anxiety, having three children in the home going to school, one of whom has been in a house with a confirmed case is a lot to deal with. This could just be one step to far for her.

Cut her some slack, she's entitled to her own feelings, she isn't asking for you daughter to not come during the pandemic, she's asking for a week.

I feel really sad at how harshly people are being judged for struggling at the moment.

TheStripes · 16/11/2020 11:51

I get anxiety is a real thing but....

It doesn’t sound like you do get it’s a real thing. Unless there is a backstory, your DD’s dad postponing one visit really shouldn’t be an issue.

Original poster
supershooter15 · 16/11/2020 11:51

@Spied Yes both myself and my DD15 will have isolated for 14 days since her sister tested positive.

OP posts:
gottakeeponmovin · 16/11/2020 11:53

I think it's fair enough. Your daughter is autistic but the wife has anxiety. It's one week I think you need to help her understand the situation.

Tiredoftattler · 16/11/2020 11:53

Anxiety is a very real problem and condition, and it would be appropriate for you to accommodate the requested change. However, you should also expect the dad's wife to understand that autism is an equally real condition and that she (the wife) should be expected to be as cognizant and understanding of any symptoms and behaviors that are occasioned by your daughter's autism.

Dad , should be as diligent and proactive in advocating for his daughter, when the need arises, as he is in advocating for his wife in comparable circumstances.

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