DD not allowed at Dad's

[supershooter15]

Hi, I just wanted to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not really! (Both DD's have different Dads).

Backstory is DD8 tested positive for Covid-19. Mild symptoms, isolated, back at school today. DD15 had to miss her weekend at her Dad's due to having to self isolate (she didn't develop any symptoms so assuming she didn't catch it).

DD15 is due to go to her Dad's this weekend (his weekend), but he has just messaged and said that she can't come this weekend and it has to be the following weekend instead, at which point it would be 3 weeks since he had seen her.

The reason is that his wife suffers from anxiety and she is too worried about DD15 going over. DD15 finishes isolation on Wednesday and can return to school on Thursday.

Is his wife worrying about DD15 going over enough reason for his to cancel this weekend's contact? I get anxiety is a real thing but....

I agree @lunar1.
There's a confirmed case in my dd's school atm. It's made me seriously anxious which has taken me by surprise.
I think after 8 months we're all suffering a lot and while it's very hard on kids & teens I feel the pressure on adults to try keep everyone safe & make all the right judgement calls can be very overwhelming.

I do understand anxiety is a real thing as my DD15 has it.

DD15 wasn't allowed to visit for 10 weeks earlier in the year due to her Dad's wife's anxiety.

Her step sister (at her Dad's) had to self isolate due to someone testing positive in her school bubble and she wasn't removed from the house for weeks.

I don't fully understand extend of the issues his wife has around around etc but I'm seeing my daughter upset about not being allowed to see her Dad yet again!

It's no problem for me to keep DD15 here this weekend,

*around anxiety

I think her dad is being pathetic. It’s bang out of order as there are already two school aged children in the house. Yes anxiety is a real thing but there are already two school age children in the house. The dad should be standing up to his wife. He’s choosing his wife and step kids over his own daughter. This WOULD be my hill to die on.

I think her dad is behaving appallingly. So the step mother’s child can self isolate in the house with step mother no problems but your dd can’t visit him AFTER her isolation has finished. He’s made his choice clear. This would be my hill to die on most certainly.

Yep this isnt about anxiety as much as about treating your DD differently from her own children

@supershooter15 you and dd really do have my sympathies & I'm not saying your ex or his wife are right.
But I do think that there is a lot of anxiety around moving between houses atm as the bubbles can't be contained as easily. It sounds like your ex & his dw see their house as one bubble & your house as another & that she (or both of them) are anxious about mixing as the more you mix the less you can control.
My ds (18) is away at uni & I've asked him not to come home until his Xmas holidays (when he can isolate if needs be) which I feel awful about as it's his first time away from home. But if he comes home his house bubble gets affected as does ours. I'm not particularly worried about us catching Covid but I'm worried about spreading it especially as both he, his housemates and his sister are in the most asymptotic age range. I don't feel it's fair to mix households when the government (I'm in Ireland) are asking us to keep our bubbles as small and intact as we can for another few weeks.
After 8 months people are worn out mentally & there is massive anxiety for a lot of people around this.

While anxiety is a real condition and if DD's stepmother is suffering I am sympathetic, I think your ex is being completely unfair here and so is his wife. She needs to get a hold on this anxiety because the person suffering is dd. Her fear is irrational - DD has self isolated as per the guidelines and therefore has either had it and is no longer contagious, or never had it in the first place.

I also see that she is sending her own children to school and coping with the anxiety that must raise so it's hard to understand why her anxiety is so focused on your DD, who is, arguably, at this point, one of the safest people she could be around.

DD's dad should be advocating for her and not choosing to spend no time with her for an irrational fear. He should be insisting his wife seek help for her anxiety if it is really that bad. Or, if she's using it as an excuse, he should be refusing to allow that.

I think your ex is being very unfair. Not much you can do about it sadly though.

Your ex is being completely unreasonable and I feel so sorry for DD. She thinks her dad has prioritised his wife because he has. I suffer with anxiety and when it gets bad you need to seek professional support. DD has obviously had a tough time (isolating is really hard mentally if you do it properly) and her father should be at least willing to go for a walk with her.

No. In this case it's fair enough your DD shouldn't go.

He could easily meet with her outside and they could both wear masks to reduce any risks. I think it would be fair enough to say to him that he's really hurting her. He may not realise how much she misses him. I think time passes faster sometimes when you're all grown up and four weeks blinks by.

So presumably he hasn't seen DD since 24-25 Oct? Because she's been isolating since 4 Nov.
So he's due to see her this weekend but is postponing until 28-29 nov.

That's more than a month without seeing her, on top of the 10 weeks earlier this year. I think this is a hill to die on. It's unacceptable for your DD to be treated this way, particularly as there are other school aged children in his household. It's irrational.

Have you told him that he's showing his DD that she isn't his no1 priority?

Will he be having her on 5-6 Dec too, because that is his scheduled weekend?

Its one week now - but how much longer will she go on with this - anxiety isn't exactly rational. She has done more than the isolation time with a few days back at school as well. Wife is being irrational

@Gazelda Yes those dates seem about right!

I have messaged him back explaining how DD15 feels and I don't agree with what he's doing and I received a load of abuse back! Which is very unlike him as we generally get on pretty well

*she is quite right he has prioritised his wife over her

He needs to meet her for the day somewhere, tricky at the moment but could easily do some walking, take away coffee or take away lunch

His wife is being ridiculous - sorry but she is, and this point needs to be made to him and that it is his daughter that is suffering.

Anxiety is real but escalates if not managed - if she is really that anxious she needs to be down the GP sorting herself out and not stopping him seeing his Autistic daughter who has clearly been through enough*

I agree with all of this. Her dad should be ashamed of himself.

I'm really surprised at the number of people saying that he's acting reasonably and that she should stay with you

It's a bit of a drip feed that she previously wasn't allowed to come for 10 weeks and it does shed a somewhat different light on the situation. However I still think that this instance, as opposed to that time, it isn't so inappropriate to ask for a week.

Her sister, who she lives with, just had Covid. That's much closer contact than the step siblings probably had when they had to isolate, so it isn't surprising they are much more concerned this time around. I would be thinking she's more likely to have Covid, than to not have Covid.

It's a boy who cried wolf situation due to them previously letting her down, but I do agree with Magda, there has been very little understanding or empathy shown this year about how differently different people have responded to this threat. There were far more people electing not to mix households at all and to forgo seeing children to protect both households during the first lockdown, than this time around. At that point in time, nobody knew what to expect, and a lot of people were expecting something far more apocalyptic than what has transpired. It wasn't malicious, it was an unprecedented situation.

They should have had her then, but I don't think it's really unreasonable for them to not have her this weekend.

@ouchmyfeet I think people advocated letting it go for this week. I also think most people are just trying to explain that Covid anxiety is not very reasonable or rational but it is very real.
No matter what way you look at it OP's household is a different bubble to that of her ex and that's just a fact & that seems to be the thinking of the ex's partner.
This is a shit situation for everyone involved & lots of families are going through similar at the moment. It is really hard living with someone with anxiety & tbh I wouldn't want my anxious autistic dd being exposed to that atm.
All that being said this girl's dad needs to put a long term strategy in place for seeing his dd - especially if countries are going to be going in and out of lockdowns.

That’s just so sad for your DD. She should be her fathers priority and he’s just given her the biggest sign ever that he doesn’t care about her.

For those saying she should understand, why? She’s 15 and entitled to see her DF. She’s done her isolation without seeing him and hasn’t developed symptoms. She’s therefore not entitled to a test. She’s not breaking any rules or asking her DF and his wife to break any. She’s 15 and shouldn’t have to feel responsible for her step mums anxiety.

Good on you OP for setting her dad straight even if it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Your poor DD. COVID may not go away any time soon and your DD has already missed out on seeing her father due to this. I can understand the anxiety around mixing households. But this is totally unfair on your daughter and your ex has indeed failed to advocate for her in this situation. This will not help their relationship in the long term. I can't see how you can force him to change his mind and I don't have any suggestions as to how you can protect your child from this hurt. Your ex is in the wrong here.

She done her isolation. She’s clear to go and her dad should have her. It’s ridiculous not to. Your poor dd.

Totally with your DD on this one. This all sounds very unfair on her. Of course I have sympathy with people suffering from anxiety but I don't think the best way to help with that is just to do whatever alleviates their anxiety. You have followed guidelines, your DD has done her isolation period. Perhaps your ex's wife needs help to manage her anxiety but making up your own Covid rules and demanding people stay away for longer than necessary isn't helping anyone.

Saying all that, I hate confrontation and I can imagine that the prospect of tackling this with your ex is pretty grim.

I’d be unimpressed by the abuse. My reply would be:
I get your wife’s anxiety is affecting your life right now so you are stressed. But her hypocritical double standards and yours too for going along with them are hurting your daughter. Fine, get mad at me. But you can’t pretend you’re not choosing here, and your daughter is the one who you are saying is not important to you and not your priority and she heard this loud and clear from your actions is understandably very upset. She’s 15, upset, fragile and feeling neglected by you, I find it hard to imagine you care about her if you won’t even go for a distanced walk with her.

His wife’s anxiety is unfortunate for her but it certainly doesn’t give her the right to stop your dd seeing her dad.
None of this is based on logic or science, and yes I know anxiety isn’t logical but your dd shouldn’t have to deal with this. What about next time his wife decides to ban dd? How often is this going to happen?