DD not allowed at Dad's

[supershooter15]

Hi, I just wanted to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not really! (Both DD's have different Dads).

Backstory is DD8 tested positive for Covid-19. Mild symptoms, isolated, back at school today. DD15 had to miss her weekend at her Dad's due to having to self isolate (she didn't develop any symptoms so assuming she didn't catch it).

DD15 is due to go to her Dad's this weekend (his weekend), but he has just messaged and said that she can't come this weekend and it has to be the following weekend instead, at which point it would be 3 weeks since he had seen her.

The reason is that his wife suffers from anxiety and she is too worried about DD15 going over. DD15 finishes isolation on Wednesday and can return to school on Thursday.

Is his wife worrying about DD15 going over enough reason for his to cancel this weekend's contact? I get anxiety is a real thing but....

@deathbyprocrastination Me and my ex usually deal with conflict pretty well so I wasn't too worried about bringing it up. How wrong was I! The reply I got back was completely bang out of order!

He knows he's in the wrong. That's why he's being an arse.

Not that it helps of course!

@supershooter15 really sorry to hear that. No-one needs additional stress at a time like this! Best of luck resolving it. I honestly don't think you or your DD are being unreasonable.

If the message is completely out of character I wonder if his wife has sent it?

He shouldn't be cancelling contact and I can't believe he was happy not to see his own dd for 10 weeks?! How could he possibly think that was ok?

Your ex is so unreasonable. Fight for your dd's right to see her dad op.

There’s no reason for your daughter not to be seen and parented by his father. She’s done the isolation she’s back at school. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t be equally parenting. I get anxiety, I have anxiety. There’s still not a reason. Your poor daughter. Must feel rubbish to have his wife prioritised over spending time with her. And I assume you just have to suck up the change of schedule as well? Not great.

I would understand this, times are different at the moment, I would reassure DD that she will get to see her dad in a week's time and make sure they have lots of facetime in between.
It's not something I would be getting into an argument about.
I don't think he's picking his wife over his daughter, he just has a different view to you.

Your ex must be under great pressure from his wife, if he’s usually reasonable and is reacting badly to your opinion. It’s a shit situation for everyone, really. Your DD is not wrong at all to feel hurt. The wife should try to deal more rationally with her perception of the threat and risk - it’s minimal - but anxiety is not rational, that’s the problem.

I don’t know what the answer is but I’d push him to meet her outside this weekend. That’s really not risky at all to his wife and would show DD he prioritises her.

[quote supershooter15]@Gazelda Yes those dates seem about right!

I have messaged him back explaining how DD15 feels and I don't agree with what he's doing and I received a load of abuse back! Which is very unlike him as we generally get on pretty well [/quote]
Sounds like he's been having a crap time with his wife. As regards her own kids - well she can't chuck them out, can she?

Looking at this pragmatically, if he forces his wife to allow her to come, your DD will have a horrible time. It sounds as though the atmosphere there is pretty grim as it is. And if his wife is going to treat your DD like a leper, do you really want her to go?

I have just spoken to DD's Dad and he has said that he doesn't agree with his wife, it's very unfair and not logical (but then anxiety isn't logical), but there is nothing he can do as it would cause World War 3!

@saraclara I'm more than happy to keep DD15 with me I just don't like seeing her upset when she shouldn't have to be

Her dad's wife has asked him to choose between them, and he chose the wife. He's an arse, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I understand anxiety, by the way, and people don't recover by extending the control their anxiety has over them to their loved ones. A normal parent would not be wanting to take their child where she isn't welcome, but he's refusing to see her at all! That's not being a parent!
He should see his daughter and let his wife respond how she wishes.
Or have a conversation with his daughter, perhaps find a game they could play via zoom if she'd enjoy that. You look at alternative ways of facilitating contact, you don't just drop your own child because of someone else's irrational fears.
None of this is in your gift.tho, OP. And your daughter is hurt.

In his shoes I'd be supporting the wife to get help - anxiety is one of the easiest mental health conditions to cure, if the patient complies. Then coming up with a plan to see my child and supporther during this tricky time - or does he think that is only your job, OP?

When I started the thread I has assumed that your daughter was still in the isolation period and was going to say that it was more sensible to keep her at home just this once but if it is over then of course she should see her dad.

I will say that though that you are your ex should have sat down together and decided what should be done in this situation rather than it being a surprise. I had a chat with DP and his ex and we decided that if any of us get symptoms or have to isolate we would pause moving between houses until we had a negative test result or the isolation period is over. We all acknowledged that this could mean that plans are changed at short notice. DSDs at 11 and 13 know this and understand.

@KylieKoKo Me and my ex had already discussed what would happen etc. It was one of my ex's weekends during DD's isolation and she stayed with me as that's what we agreed.

This weekend she will no longer be isolating!

I assume the children he lives with are not his? Or are they?

Either way? It’s rubbish.

Sorry, anxiety or no anxiety. If a partner of mine refused to allow my children to come and visit (post isolation) and when other school children are in the house? Bluntly. I’d move out, into a hotel if needs be to see my child.

Doesn’t matter what is said. This man is living in a household with other children. And he’s refusing to see his own autistic daughter? Selfish behaviour.

You are making it all about his wife's anxiety as if there were no Covid rules to be respected. Your kid cannot have that contact because you are isolating, simple as that.

Besides, what do you know about his wife's anxiety? Are you close to her? Does she tell you about her problems? or are you just assuming she is making a fuss out of nothing?

Ah.. I see she is out of the isolation period, so she can go, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I wouldn't force the situation. Bread for today, hunger for tomorrow as the Spanish would say.

As sad as things are you cannot force a non resident parent to have contact if they don't want to so, thinking in the long term, it may be better to let this one go.

@sassbott Neither child are from my ex.

@TheCrunchTimes I'm not assuming anything - both my ex and my DD15 have explained about his wife's anxiety as it has caused a few minor issues in the past.

At the beginning of the first lockdown, we didn't see DSS for four weeks as he had symptoms and it happened to fall the day DP would have collected him, so we missed two weekends worth of contact, plus mid-week visits. We had already agreed that mid-week visits would be cut, but weekends extended so that we still got to see him, (to reduce moves between houses).

Didn't see DSD for 5/6 weeks as her DM had Covid twice, apparently, and if either DP or I even cleared our throats on a video call then visits were postponed again in case we had Covid.

DP cried a good few times at how much he missed his children, but at the end of the day it had to be for the adults to decide (although, DSS had more input as he is older).

What I would have found really frustrating (and was happening a bit on DSD's DM's side) would be if their DMs were slagging DP off if he had cut contact for the same reasons. The children need to be made aware that both parents still love them and want to see them, but that Covid is making things difficult and some contact may have to be cancelled/moved to another day/week.

If the child says that their DF has chosen their wife over them, it should be explained that some people are being extra cautious, but that it doesn't mean that wife has been chosen over her.

Just as a side note, a relative of my boss got covid, isolated for two weeks, in the family home but using different rooms. The same day that she returned to uni, her DM started displaying symptoms. So whilst she may be allowed to return to school and resume contact, it is not that unreasonable to be concerned that she may have covid at the time of seeing her DF.