Family pictures without step children

[PityPooty]

I was reading something on Facebook earlier, some may have seen it, of a step mother who asked for her stepson to be cropped out of a family picture so she could use one on her social media with just her children. She was saying the sons mother didn't want pictures of her son on the SM Facebook, the mum is saying she never said that etc etc... It all sounds like a mess but it got me thinking about my own situation and what is deemed as acceptable?

So to clarify, I'm not going to crop anyone out of pictures!

But is it okay to take some family pictures with my biological child without step children in them?

In our situation, I have never put pictures of my step children on my SM. My husband very rarely uses it and, whilst I get on with their mum okay now in the sense that we have a small chat if we ever see each other, she was quite 'territorial' (for want of a better word) when me and DH first met about the children, didn't want me on my own with them for a long time, didn't like it when I took them out once with my parents because 'they aren't her children'. She's never been nasty toward me and we've never actually spoken directly to each other about any of this, I think she just struggled a bit at first and so I made the decision and still do now, to not put anything on SM as I don't know how she'd feel about it and it doesn't really make a difference to me either way.

Now we have our own child though, is it 'okay' to take family photos of me, DH and our joint child for my use? A lot of people on this Facebook thing were making out like it's never okay to exclude step children from family photos? And that if they ever saw them they'd be devastated etc...

Is that really the case do you think? We have lots of family photos of all of us in our home. But just for my personal use, is it okay to want some with just our joint DC?

@UnconvincingUsername
Why can’t you have photos up? If your DH wanted photos of his DC so much surely he would sort it himself? Or if he’s not bothered then why should he care if if you do?
What a dreary way to live, having to live down to someone else’s expectations or standards

Absolutely ok taking pictures only with your child. No need to ask. Whoever said otherwise is just sad.

DH has 2 children from previous relationship (7 & 9). He travels monthly to see them (day visits only, and is a day trip there and back).
Since lockdown restrictions lifted, 9 year old has started becoming... a little bit difficult - refusing phone calls and visitation a big chunk of time, cries when asked about it.
Started making comments about never going to leave the small town she lives in, rude comments about other family members on dad side and all of a sudden declared that she isn’t comfortable calling him dad. Bright girl, but becoming very materialistic and making lots of shallow remarks that cause tension between relatives. DH let’s a lot go so not to upset the child and she complain to BM.
Younger daughter appears a bit uncomfortable when oldest one is digging heals in but tries to ignore her sister. Has good relationship with father.

Additionally, we didn’t tell the kids until xmas time, but we are also expecting our first child together (will be my first).

Delays with progression of time due to concerns with oldest daughter (BM claims psychological risks). Waiting on new family report.

But it is just so exhausting. Oldest will go on and on about the big new house BM bought, expensive gifts, things BM hates when kids are with us and so on and so on (this is where I believe a lot of the shallow stuff is coming through) - we are big believers on quality family time over quantity of money spent.

I am starting to think, might be better if DH focuses more on his youngest daughter and move progression of time with just her, let the other decide if she wants involvement and call it her loss until she’s old enough to see what’s what if that makes sense.
Just don’t feel the tension and stress is needed during family time, particularly with a newborn.

@peboh

I hate family pictures where all the children aren't included. It annoys me when I see families doing it when I know there are other children involved. You're leaving them out and having a cute family picture, but it often comes across that you don't see them as your family just that they're DHs children.

Are you serious? So the 60% of the time that my DSS is at his mothers house I'm not allowed to take photos of me and my son? If I go for a walk with my son and DP on a weekend DSS is at his mothers I'm not allowed to take a photo? This point of view makes no sense to me whatsoever. It also contributes to this absolutely unrealistic expectations of blended families and stapparents. The world doesnt stop if a stepchild is at their other parents house.

Of course it's ok to get photos taken with just your own children and not someone else's. Ignore any ridiculous people who tell you otherwise.

@PityPooty

Lots of the usual comments about they are your children too once you marry, supposed to love them like your own children, my husband raised my daughter since she was 1 etc...

No one really ever stops to think that the above isn't everyone's situation though. I haven't raised my SC, they have two very involved parents and a mother who didn't really want me involved hence why I avoid stepping on toes by not posting pictures of the kids.

But even families where mum & DSD are still together will have pictures with some kids and not others.

For arguments sake I could have pics of my DH, me & DD on a day out that my DS is not in, then a different picture on a different day that has DS with DH but not DD??!

Not every picture needs every family member! It's not as though someone is less of a family member if they're not in EVERY photo?

So many terrible SMs out there but you sound like one of the nice ones. The very fact that you’re worrying about this says a lot. I can’t believe your stepchildren would mind a few baby photos without them there 🙂

YANBU OP. Unless DH is resident parent, this is absolutely fine.

I'm not a SM but I'm continually appalled and bemused by the double standards faced by SMs - they have to sacrifice their own needs for SDC yet will bear the wrath of First Wives if they dare to assume any agency in care for DSC,

@SharonasCorona

YANBU OP. Unless DH is resident parent, this is absolutely fine.

I'm not a SM but I'm continually appalled and bemused by the double standards faced by SMs - they have to sacrifice their own needs for SDC yet will bear the wrath of First Wives if they dare to assume any agency in care for DSC,

It's crazy isn't it. I'm married later in life but for the many years I was dating I would never consider a man with kids already, just not worth the hassle!

I think it's fine. You are obviously sensitive to the children's feelings and wouldn't do anything to make them feel left out. I agree it would be nice for your parents to have a picture of you and their grandchild.
Maybe you could get one done of the stepchildren for their mum? If you think she'd like it.

Here you go:

Include your stepchildren in all photos as if they are your family...
You’re wrong because they’re not your family. You shouldn’t be posting photos of children that are not your own. They have a mother so stop making it seem like they don’t.

Don’t include your stepchildren in any photos..
You’re wrong to exclude your step children and not think of them as your own. When you take on step kids they should be treated completely equally, as if they are your own children. No family photos, holidays, money given to one child that is not the same for all.

See? Perfectly clear.

If you want professional photos of your child then book a baby photoshoot. If you want a family photoshoot then book it with everyone and post it on sm and to hell with what anyone else thinks. but there’s no way I would book a family shoot and ask sc to step aside for your ‘family photos’ like you’re proposing. your sc are at the age where that would be damaging

I'd look at is as - is it ever ok to take photos of you with some and not all of your kids - and "nuclear" families do this all the time.

We have photo shoots from DS and then from DTwins on their own. We take DTwins out when DS is at school. I might take DS somewhere and take a photo of just him because the DTwins are asleep.

Assuming you aren't out with the kids and demanding they get out of the way then it's fine, esp as neither parent posts them either.

@PityPooty

So basically, some taken with all and a couple taken with me, DH and joint DC so I could put it on my social media.

I think having a couple taken just for FB is odd.

Ask DH of he minds of you put one up of you all or make sure there's enough variation of who is in the photos that it's less obvious.

Are you having the memory stick or photos printed out? If so could you get some of SC together so you can pass it on to their Mom? Some with Dad with all 3, Dad with 2, you and baby etc?

@bluebluezoo

Here you go:

Include your stepchildren in all photos as if they are your family...
You’re wrong because they’re not your family. You shouldn’t be posting photos of children that are not your own. They have a mother so stop making it seem like they don’t.

Don’t include your stepchildren in any photos..
You’re wrong to exclude your step children and not think of them as your own. When you take on step kids they should be treated completely equally, as if they are your own children. No family photos, holidays, money given to one child that is not the same for all.

See? Perfectly clear.

Yep perfectly clear to me. Standard stepmom thread. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

Put it up with a star or heart obsurring his face, then he's there but not there !

Take as many pictures as you want wit YOUR KIDS, my dear!!!
I bet you your SK's mothers are doing the same!

Of course it’s ok. If you have 3 kids you don’t have ALL of them in every picture.

Ask DH of he minds of you put one up of you all

Maybe she doesn't want a picture of them all on SM? Maybe she just wants one with her DC as her own social medias profile picture or as said upthread for her family to have etc...

It doesn't matter whether or not DH allows her to have a picture of the DSC on social media. Maybe she still just wants one on there of her own DC?

And if I knew their mum wouldn't like it I still wouldn't put them on even if DH 'allowed' it.

Not because I think what mum says goes but because I don't care enough about having pics of my DSC on Facebook to cause drama over it. Plus it's a convenient excuse really just to be able to have pics with my DC like I want without being made out to be awful