Family pictures without step children

[PityPooty]

I was reading something on Facebook earlier, some may have seen it, of a step mother who asked for her stepson to be cropped out of a family picture so she could use one on her social media with just her children. She was saying the sons mother didn't want pictures of her son on the SM Facebook, the mum is saying she never said that etc etc... It all sounds like a mess but it got me thinking about my own situation and what is deemed as acceptable?

So to clarify, I'm not going to crop anyone out of pictures!

But is it okay to take some family pictures with my biological child without step children in them?

In our situation, I have never put pictures of my step children on my SM. My husband very rarely uses it and, whilst I get on with their mum okay now in the sense that we have a small chat if we ever see each other, she was quite 'territorial' (for want of a better word) when me and DH first met about the children, didn't want me on my own with them for a long time, didn't like it when I took them out once with my parents because 'they aren't her children'. She's never been nasty toward me and we've never actually spoken directly to each other about any of this, I think she just struggled a bit at first and so I made the decision and still do now, to not put anything on SM as I don't know how she'd feel about it and it doesn't really make a difference to me either way.

Now we have our own child though, is it 'okay' to take family photos of me, DH and our joint child for my use? A lot of people on this Facebook thing were making out like it's never okay to exclude step children from family photos? And that if they ever saw them they'd be devastated etc...

Is that really the case do you think? We have lots of family photos of all of us in our home. But just for my personal use, is it okay to want some with just our joint DC?

You are massively overthinking this. Just put photos up like any other family. I am in a blended family, 2 SC and DD, over the years have had pics of all of us, some with just SC, some without, some with just my DD, loads with just 3 kids and a variety of other ways.

I know you said the ex does not like it but the dc have 2 parents and if your DH is ok with it then go ahead. The ex is just trying to control from afar.

I don’t understand why this is so complicated for people. To be honest I think a lot of the time it’s just step parents looking for loopholes or to be told it’s ‘ok’ to exclude step children in some way.

Here is your quick and easy answer

Imagine all of the children involved were your biological own children. Would you still do it?

If yes- fine do it
If no- no don’t do it

Would you take a toddler on an age appropriate day out whilst older siblings were at school- yes

Would you take your toddler on a weeks holiday to Spain and leave your other 2 children at home because ‘it’s so much cheaper in term time’ : NO that’s a dick move!

Would you take a family pic with just one child? Maybe the odd one on a day out but certainly wouldn’t be framing it or using it as the family Christmas card!

Jesus it’s a mine field.

I was that step child that got cut out of family pics or didn’t have any of me up on the walls. When the child is old enough to know it’s does sting.

However my eldest dd1 (25) complains I never post any pics of her on SM just my young two

Imagine all of the children involved were your biological own children. Would you still do it?

I don't get it when people say this though. They aren't my biological children so it's a moot point? I don't have control over what goes on with them. Their biological parent doesn't want pictures of them on my SM so, considering I'm not, I respect her wishes.

If they were all mine, it would be up to me whether or not to put them on wouldn't it.

I was that step child that got cut out of family pics or didn’t have any of me up on the walls. When the child is old enough to know it’s does sting

There are lots of pics of us all up at home. This is for my personal use on SM because I don't post pics of the SC. And perhaps for my family too i.e. my parents.

When it comes to professional photos, I think it’s perfectly fine to have a combination. If I was a stepmum, I’d pay for one photo shoot with just my children together and one another time with dsc in it too.

And when it’s just everyday photos. You have to live in the moment. You can’t just not take lovely photos of your children on the days that dsc aren’t there. There is a lovely photo of me with just my children that was taken and put on the wall when I was still a stepparent.

Me and my parents were just last night talking about doing a professional family photo shoot in the new year when things open up again hopefully. I really don’t want to invite my children’s older sibling to this one (I’m not with my ex anymore so I know I have no obligation to), but I think at a later date I will book something a bit cheaper for my children and their older sibling to have some photos done together so that they have them.

I think it's fine, no SDC amongst my siblings and at home there is all kinds of combinations of pics some of just me and 1 sibling, some with half of us and some with all. We don't walk around counting them, to see who is in them the least.

@PityPooty

I think with a bit of common sense it can be very easily applied. If the kids DM doesn’t want them on social media then fine yes use ones without them because that’s their DM’s choice and you can easily explain that to them as they get older. But don’t put pics without them around your home or as screen savers (any private use).

I am a parent and a step parent and no one will stop me doing things with just my own child, whether that be a photo taken or a weekend away. I will only have one child and he is my priority, my step child has two parents who can do these things for them.

For context we have never left stepchild out of a holiday, weekend away or anything like that before but if I want to do something when they can't come because they are at their mothers or have plans elsewhere I WILL NOT feel bad about it.

The mumsnet need to never leave a stepchild out of anything really annoys me, they have another parent in another house that will also get to do lovely things with so if they miss out a couple of times in the other household I don't see it as an issue. If that child gets plenty 1 on 1 time with their mother then why can't my child? If I want a picture alone with my child I will bloody well take one.

This may come across harsh but there have been so many threads where the step parent gets bashed for whatever reason and I'm sick of them. My stepchild is a lovely kid, we have such a good time together and they often ask to come and stay with me when their dad is at work, it doesn't mean every plan I make must include them. I'm allowed to do things with my own child when I want.

I know this started at a picture so sorry to derail I just needed to get that out 😂😊

or as screen savers (any private use)

Did you mean only private use?

I'd book two different days at the photographers. The first with the sc. make sure there's one with them and dad too.
Then go back next with for you guys but wear the same clothes so hopefully the sc won't twig what's happened.
I have to say I totally disagree with this approach (not trying to be rude).
Children benefit from honestly & I think a trip to the photographers (or whoever is taking the photos) whereby you/dh say to the sdc that you are taking a photo of the three of you for your dc's grandparents & because you want one with just the baby is totally ok. Then by all means take a bigger family group also & as other pp's have suggested, a mix of shots.

@PityPooty

Yes sorry. Basically don’t exclude them from any private use of pics (framing, screen saver, calendars, seasonal cards). Just public use that their DM doesn’t agree with.

Also just to clarify I do think if reasonable attempts are made to include step kids that’s fine. Don’t expect step parents to bend over backwards.

Say you want to go away for a weeks holiday abroad during spring. If you offer to take them over Easter hols/Feb half term and their other parent says no or it simply can’t be accommodated then you’ve tried your best and can go without any guilt x

Jesus don’t do two shoots

I must admit I do find the screensaver thing a bit ott. So obviously not the family computer, but my own phone screensaver?

My husband is a step child, his dads house has lots of pictures of all of them and extended family in different combinations. There are loads, I don't think anyone is counting "there are 13 of him only 11 of me". So having loads of pictures seems to be the way to go, then no one is left out.

@PityPooty

I think even your phone it’s a bit mean to have you/DH and your own child. It’s obviously excluding them and they’ll notice.

Why not make your screen saver just you and dc or even better, just a nice pic of your dc? I think including their dad in a new little family pic says ‘you guys are just extras’ x

Of course it’s fine OP.
It’s quite sad that you feel you should check whether this is ok.

We had a professional shoot done a while back and I had some with just me, DH and our DD and all the rest included the SC.

We also had a photo taken of just the SC which we later framed so they could give it to their mum.

Not EVERYTHING has to include the “blessed stepchildren”. It’s more about getting the balance right so there’s no hurt feelings.

I think including their dad in a new little family pic says ‘you guys are just extras’
I don't agree. I think it says "this family is made up of many different units. Sometimes it's me, your dad & your half sibling, sometimes it's you guys & your dm, sometimes it's you guys and your df, sometimes it's you guys, your half sibling & your df & sometimes it's all of us together".
As I said upthread: my kids have been taught this and now at 14, 18 & 24 they are kind, sane, non entitled people who get on with all the adults in their lives & who love their half siblings without jealously.
Teaching kids with kindness that they are not the centre of everyone's world, nor are they the centre of every situation is not cruel as so many on here seem to think. It's a kindness. It teaches them reasonability, empathy and that love is not limited.

We also had a photo taken of just the SC which we later framed so they could give it to their mum.
@FoxtrotOscarPoppet - that's such a lovely idea.

I'd say it was fine. I have 3 and sometimes we go out without one of them and take family photos. Sometimes they make the wall! If it's a nice photo I wouldn't discard because one child wasnt in it

3 of my own children I mean. No step children

OP how would you feel if your DH asked you to step aside whilst he got some pictures of him with all 3 of his children? Whilst I can see your point it will definitely send a message to your step children that they are not part of your family makeup.

I can't believe you have to ask if it is ok!

Yes, have pics up of you and dh and your joint dc - on social media, on the walls. That is your immediate family. As long as you also have pics up with sc in them and sc's school photos or whatever, no problem.

@zatarontoast

OP how would you feel if your DH asked you to step aside whilst he got some pictures of him with all 3 of his children? Whilst I can see your point it will definitely send a message to your step children that they are not part of your family makeup.

I genuinely wouldn't care especially if it were part of a wider thing of different group photos. Just as DH wouldn't care if I took a picture with just the baby?