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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Family pictures without step children

120 replies

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:27

I was reading something on Facebook earlier, some may have seen it, of a step mother who asked for her stepson to be cropped out of a family picture so she could use one on her social media with just her children. She was saying the sons mother didn't want pictures of her son on the SM Facebook, the mum is saying she never said that etc etc... It all sounds like a mess but it got me thinking about my own situation and what is deemed as acceptable?

So to clarify, I'm not going to crop anyone out of pictures!

But is it okay to take some family pictures with my biological child without step children in them?

In our situation, I have never put pictures of my step children on my SM. My husband very rarely uses it and, whilst I get on with their mum okay now in the sense that we have a small chat if we ever see each other, she was quite 'territorial' (for want of a better word) when me and DH first met about the children, didn't want me on my own with them for a long time, didn't like it when I took them out once with my parents because 'they aren't her children'. She's never been nasty toward me and we've never actually spoken directly to each other about any of this, I think she just struggled a bit at first and so I made the decision and still do now, to not put anything on SM as I don't know how she'd feel about it and it doesn't really make a difference to me either way.

Now we have our own child though, is it 'okay' to take family photos of me, DH and our joint child for my use? A lot of people on this Facebook thing were making out like it's never okay to exclude step children from family photos? And that if they ever saw them they'd be devastated etc...

Is that really the case do you think? We have lots of family photos of all of us in our home. But just for my personal use, is it okay to want some with just our joint DC?

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Magda72 · 01/11/2020 09:58

@PityPooty my kids sm never puts photos of them on her SM but she regularly posts photos of her two with exh either alone, with her, with exh or all four of them. Imo this is TOTALLY fine. My exh posts a mix of his two with dw, our three & all five of them together with and without him &/or dw - he's a dad of 5 & that's how it should be.
My three post some of just the three of them alone & some with their (half) siblings. It's all very chill & no one has themselves tied up in knots over it.
Furthermore my dd has LOADS of photos of her and her 2 little (half) siblings in her bedroom & it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I think it's ridiculous that you have to regulate your social media to your friends and family because you're trying to respect your sc's dm's boundaries. It's your social media & you can do whatever the hell you like with it. As long as your dsc see themselves represented in the family home (which they do) you're not doing anything 'wrong'.

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:58

So seems like the general consensus is professional photo = no but self taken one of the 3 = fine.

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Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:01

I think it's ridiculous that you have to regulate your social media to your friends and family because you're trying to respect your sc's dm's boundaries

I don't mind not posting pics of SC to avoid any clash. But what I wouldn't then be happy with is not being able to ever post a picture of our DC, DH and me because of it!

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Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:02

@M0rT

I only have full siblings and our parents are still together. When the youngest became an adult my DM decided she wanted a professional photograph of the whole family before it started to grow with partners & kids. The photographer put us into different groupings for the shots, so some with everyone, some with just siblings, some just parents, some all the men, some all the women etc. I think they do this as standard so it wouldn't be odd or exclusionary for you to get some shots with your DH and joint DC as well as with SDC, some with just DC, some with DH & DC etc. Which you choose to purchase and what you do with them is up to you. My DM has a series on her wall of the photographs and we are only all in one of them. So if you just want to put one of your DH & joint DC on Instagram who will even know the SDC aren't on it?

It reminds me of a photo my grandparents had done with all the family children. Like you, there was only one where we are all in it together.

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Magda72 · 01/11/2020 10:03

@PityPooty - absolutely! You are entitled to post your child & it's parents on your social media.

Redwinestillfine · 01/11/2020 10:04

Don't put pics of your kids on social media

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:05

@Redwinestillfine

Don't put pics of your kids on social media

Thanks for your input, not what I was asking though.

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CamVegOut · 01/11/2020 10:06

Picture 1 - everyone
Picture 2 - dad and all kids
Picture 3 - dad with just step kids
Picture 4 - mum and dad with 1 year old
Picture 5 - mum with 1 year old

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:07

It got me thinking as a sort of side thing though as well, it would be nice for my parents to have a picture of the 3 of us. They get on with my SC perfectly well but they aren't grandparents to them, which is just the way our situation is.

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Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:08

@CamVegOut

Picture 1 - everyone Picture 2 - dad and all kids Picture 3 - dad with just step kids Picture 4 - mum and dad with 1 year old Picture 5 - mum with 1 year old

Yeah, see I would have thought this was fine personally!

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whynotwhen · 01/11/2020 10:09

@PityPooty

So seems like the general consensus is professional photo = no but self taken one of the 3 = fine.

Yes I would say exactly this. Professional photo shoots are just too much of an 'event' and the SC may feel like they've missed out

Magda72 · 01/11/2020 10:09

I also think it's perfectly ok to get a professional pic of you, your dh & your dc. There will be lots of photos I'm sure of all of you together around the house.
This is just more of the general entitlement of sc's.
My kids totally get that their family is comprised of parts; that they & me are one version of it; that they and their df are another version of it; that their df, sm & half sibs without them are another version of it & that they, their half sibs, their df & their sm all together are yet another version of it.
They are totally ok with all this & never feel left out anywhere as they haven't been taught to feel left out.

The8thMonth · 01/11/2020 10:11

I think of course it's fine. Just take some photos with all kids and some with DH + SC, some with you DH + DC.

I mean, isn't this what we do at weddings anyways,?!. I'm sure my parents didn't want a photo with my in laws on their mantle, and quite frankly, fair enough.

Different photos for different groups of people. Has no bearing or intimation that you treat or love any more or less than others. Just different relevance for different family/ friendship groups.

Magda72 · 01/11/2020 10:11

And yes - your parents are absolutely entitled to a professional photo of you, your dh & their grandchild.

SoloMummy · 01/11/2020 10:12

@PityPooty

So basically, some taken with all and a couple taken with me, DH and joint DC so I could put it on my social media.

For me, that's fine if also some of just the sc with dad, dad with all 3,just you two as a couple, just the 3 children... Basically as part of a range, otherwise it would stand out like a sore thumb and be horrible for the children.... However, personally, if I was wanting just the three of you, I'd pay for this to be done at a separate time. Though that too is "loaded".

SeasonFinale · 01/11/2020 10:13

@CamVegOut

Picture 1 - everyone Picture 2 - dad and all kids Picture 3 - dad with just step kids Picture 4 - mum and dad with 1 year old Picture 5 - mum with 1 year old

This ^^

And some singles of each of the kids

forrestgreen · 01/11/2020 10:14

I'd book two different days at the photographers. The first with the sc. make sure there's one with them and dad too.
Then go back next with for you guys but wear the same clothes so hopefully the sc won't twig what's happened.

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:14

However, personally, if I was wanting just the three of you, I'd pay for this to be done at a separate time. Though that too is "loaded"

I definitely agree, a range of photos with different groups, this is what usually happens anyway I believe. The more I think about it though, no one would be bothered if Dad had a picture with just the step children, so why is it so different for him to have one with just our DC?

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The8thMonth · 01/11/2020 10:15

I think whether photos are professional or amature is irrelevant. So long as all groups and combinations are catered for..

TicTacTwo · 01/11/2020 10:16

If you are getting professional pics, take the stepchildren and get a variety of combinations taken.

I think it's a good idea not to post pics of the stepchildren on your social media. If you had good pics that you wanted yo share with say your ILs then your h posting on his page would be the sensitive way to do it.

On your social media a pic of you/h/1 year old is fine.

Your husband needs to be more sensitive if he posts a photo as a profile pic. He could post a pic of him/you/1 year old but he should change the pic regularly to other combinations of his family so there's no jealousy or other hurt emotions. I know you said he's not really on SM so it's not a major issue.

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:16

make sure there's one with them and dad too

But why is this any different? Genuinely curious, not argumentative!

So if we had a lot of different group picture with varying people, one with just Dad and SC and one with just our joint DC, how is anyone being left out?

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FlyNow · 01/11/2020 10:17

Hmm, I don't think it's that weird. Like pp I have had pro family photos taken and we did basically every different combo, me with ds, me with dd, dh and dd, dcs together, me and dh, you get the idea. You are there for 30-60 minutes so you have to mix it up or you'd have the same pic 100 times. Even if you get a mini session, they still take 20-30 pics.

Crappyfridays7 · 01/11/2020 10:18

The mother sounds a bit like she wouldn’t like it so I wouldn’t post the kids but you can have your own child with you both of course!! My sons stepmother puts pics of my sons on her Facebook with her 2 kids my boys dote on them, it doesn’t bother me at all purely because it’s not about me, it’s about my boys and their brother and sister and I’m not going to make issues over it. I have my 4 on social media which only friends/family can see, and they are limited as no one wants to see screeds of pics of other people’s kids,

aSofaNearYou · 01/11/2020 10:18

You mentioned getting someone you knew to take them, do you have someone in mind who could do that? I run in those sort of circles so have loads of photographer friends, so that is probably what I would do. I think it would seem less formal than a pre booked photoshoot with a stranger, if there is a chance of people viewing it as formal family portraits that make a statement about who is and isn't family, rather than just some nice photos of you guys. Just doing that when the step kids aren't there would be fine, but yes as others said, professional photographers do tend to take photos in all different combinations and then it's up to you which you buy, so it would be unlikely to feel odd or exclusionary on the day.

Whatever you do, don't put yourself in a situation where you look back and realise there are no pictures of your kids with their parents just because there is a very vocal subsection on the internet that will find colossal offence in anything you do as a step parent.

Original poster

PityPooty · 01/11/2020 10:18

I know you said he's not really on SM so it's not a major issue

Yeah he's barely on it. I don't think he even has a profile picture tbh!

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