Family pictures without step children

[PityPooty]

I was reading something on Facebook earlier, some may have seen it, of a step mother who asked for her stepson to be cropped out of a family picture so she could use one on her social media with just her children. She was saying the sons mother didn't want pictures of her son on the SM Facebook, the mum is saying she never said that etc etc... It all sounds like a mess but it got me thinking about my own situation and what is deemed as acceptable?

So to clarify, I'm not going to crop anyone out of pictures!

But is it okay to take some family pictures with my biological child without step children in them?

In our situation, I have never put pictures of my step children on my SM. My husband very rarely uses it and, whilst I get on with their mum okay now in the sense that we have a small chat if we ever see each other, she was quite 'territorial' (for want of a better word) when me and DH first met about the children, didn't want me on my own with them for a long time, didn't like it when I took them out once with my parents because 'they aren't her children'. She's never been nasty toward me and we've never actually spoken directly to each other about any of this, I think she just struggled a bit at first and so I made the decision and still do now, to not put anything on SM as I don't know how she'd feel about it and it doesn't really make a difference to me either way.

Now we have our own child though, is it 'okay' to take family photos of me, DH and our joint child for my use? A lot of people on this Facebook thing were making out like it's never okay to exclude step children from family photos? And that if they ever saw them they'd be devastated etc...

Is that really the case do you think? We have lots of family photos of all of us in our home. But just for my personal use, is it okay to want some with just our joint DC?

Sorry OP I meant to say if he used the photo of him and only the children as his (theoretical) profile pic/screensaver etc. Would you not feel a bit excluded, as if he was making a statement that you don't belong? From my understanding this is what you want to do and whilst I can totally see your point I do think the stepchildren will notice. Lots of stepmums on here get very upset when they aren't included in wedding pictures, or if the ones they are in aren't displayed, and they are told they are NBU and that they stepchildren should have been more sensitive.

Sorry OP I meant to say if he used the photo of him and only the children as his (theoretical) profile pic/screensaver etc. Would you not feel a bit excluded, as if he was making a statement that you don't belong?

Lots of people have photos of just them and their children without their partner in them. Only a very insecure person would be upset about their partner having a profile picture of just them and their joint children.

@zatarontoast

Sorry OP I meant to say if he used the photo of him and only the children as his (theoretical) profile pic/screensaver etc. Would you not feel a bit excluded, as if he was making a statement that you don't belong? From my understanding this is what you want to do and whilst I can totally see your point I do think the stepchildren will notice. Lots of stepmums on here get very upset when they aren't included in wedding pictures, or if the ones they are in aren't displayed, and they are told they are NBU and that they stepchildren should have been more sensitive.

No I wouldn't. There are pictures around the house of DH and SC, it doesn't bother me at all. His WhatsApp picture is just of the boys which he hasn't changed for about 5 years haha.

Well in that case OP it shouldn't be an.issue then.

A friend of mine gave us a gift card for a photo session when I was pregnant, you then went back after with baby and had another session. We got 5 free photos with it too, so I do have them. We then have random ones, some include me and DP sometimes just one parent and one child. We do have a framed photo of just DP and his DS that he had taken of them at an event. I think I have seen the post you're referring too and dont think the Lady is in the wrong tbh.

Theres a lot of overthinking when it comes to step children imo.

Taking photos when your SC aren't there is perfectly fine. It's not like your lives stop when they're not around.

Using your photos on your social media is of course fine.

Going on family days out and asking your step child to take photos of the rest of you is not fine.

I hope that makes sense and it's clear why!

Of course it is.... did we go for a family photo shoot without my 3 SC of course not. Did We have a photo of the 3 of us only in that shoot... yes. Then one of my partner with his 4 children then one of me with the 3 SC and one of me with my son alone and one of me and my partner alone and one of all the kids together then 3 lovely ones of all 5 of us together.

We have pics of my son around our house and only a couple of the 3 Sc (partly because they are teenagers and won't have photos done now!)

I think as all kids know they are loved it doesn't matter about things like that then again I'm aware that we have over 10 years gap between bio and Sc so might be different closer in age

I'd prefer my DC not to be in the photo posted on SM tbh.

Sorry OP I meant to say if he used the photo of him and only the children as his (theoretical) profile pic/screensaver etc

Both DH and I have had profile pics of one of us with the DC....I don't take it that he doesn't see me as his family. The children are jointly ours...sometimes I just want a photo with my children.

*I think even your phone it’s a bit mean to have you/DH and your own child. It’s obviously excluding them and they’ll notice.

Why not make your screen saver just you and dc or even better, just a nice pic of your dc? I think including their dad in a new little family pic says ‘you guys are just extras’*

Do people really think OP can't have whatever she wants as her own phone screensaver? 🥴

Yes @aSofaNearYou - they do!
I have a pic of me and the dog as my screensaver. My kids are now all in therapy because they feel left out & think I prefer the dog to them!

Honestly - the lack of logic & common sense on some of these threads is astounding!

@Magda72 Well my screensaver is a picture of my DP with my DD and my parents from last time we were able to meet up. Makes me smile every day but I can't say my SS has ever noticed it, with it being my phone and not something he uses. But no doubt he's keeping the pain hidden deep inside!

I think it's fine tbh.

My Ex-MIL got some professional photos done a few years ago when DD, her nephew and another relative all started school in the same year - different schools so couldn't get school ones done easily. ExH and I don't post photos of DD in school uniform on SM, so Ex-MIL got some of the two boys done that she posted on SM, but then got one of the 3 of them and some individual ones as well the one of the 3 of them is up in her living room and also my DDs great grandparents have a copy who don't use SM.

As long as they're not being 100% excluded and theres photos up in your house of them I don't see a problem with getting a photo done for SM of the 3 of you. Just do some of just the 2 of them and individual ones. And make sure you offer the mother the chance to have some of the photos of her DC like Ex-MIL did for me, it'd be fine.

I don't know if I would exclude them from a professional photoshoot. Might be OK, might stir up huge upset - overall I'd say not worth it!

Either have a photoshoot together but get some photos done on the day with just your DC (DH could also have some done with just the SCs?) that you can put on SM. You can display photos with all the kids in your house.

Or have the photoshoot entirely together then just post 'day out' type photos online that don't include the SCs.

Going on family days out and asking your step child to take photos of the rest of you is not fine.
Really? Last time we were out with DSD, the only person who didn’t take photos of the rest of us was DS, who is 1. Off the top of my head the combinations we have are DSD with just DH, DSD with just DS, DSD with me, DS with me, DS with DH and also... a picture of me, DS and DH taken by DSD

Of course you can. It's treating them equally that is important, not the same.

I think as long as they are generally included then its fine.

My dcs step Mum had a picture on her FB for ages, not a photo but one of those ones where everyone is portrayed as a pair of wellies/shoes/whatever. It was captioned "The Smith Family" and consisted of her and her 2 dc (who aren't Smiths), my ex/her dh and their joint dc. Mine and exes dc (who are Smiths) were not included. This in itself probably wouldn't be a problem, but they are not in any photos at all in the house (even the framed photos they gave their dad one year had the photos changed for the other dc), and are regularly left out of events eg "we can't see you this weekend. We are going on a family holiday"
However it doesn't sound like this is the case at your house at all so I can't see the issue.

Regarding phone screen savers, mine is a photo of me and DS1. DS2 couldn't care less that he's not in it, it's just a funny photo. Having said that I was really upset when ex (not father of my dc, a different one) changed his FB picture to him and his new gf a few months after we split. Mainly because he never had a photo of me and him as his profile, claiming it "wasn't his thing" and actually deleting his FB entirely when we were together because our relationship was no one else's business.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

I think as long as they are generally included then its fine.

My dcs step Mum had a picture on her FB for ages, not a photo but one of those ones where everyone is portrayed as a pair of wellies/shoes/whatever. It was captioned "The Smith Family" and consisted of her and her 2 dc (who aren't Smiths), my ex/her dh and their joint dc. Mine and exes dc (who are Smiths) were not included. This in itself probably wouldn't be a problem, but they are not in any photos at all in the house (even the framed photos they gave their dad one year had the photos changed for the other dc), and are regularly left out of events eg "we can't see you this weekend. We are going on a family holiday"
However it doesn't sound like this is the case at your house at all so I can't see the issue.

Regarding phone screen savers, mine is a photo of me and DS1. DS2 couldn't care less that he's not in it, it's just a funny photo. Having said that I was really upset when ex (not father of my dc, a different one) changed his FB picture to him and his new gf a few months after we split. Mainly because he never had a photo of me and him as his profile, claiming it "wasn't his thing" and actually deleting his FB entirely when we were together because our relationship was no one else's business.

Your poor DC. I hope they are coming to an age where they can realise their worth and stand up to such disgusting behaviour.

I think even your phone it’s a bit mean to have you/DH and your own child. It’s obviously excluding them and they’ll notice.

Good grief.
Excluding them from what? A photo.

You can have what you want on your phone and it doesn't have to include your SC.

It's how you treat them that matters. You could have all the inclusive family photos and be horrible.

I have 2 DC...sometimes my WhatsApp profile pic is of one of them...sometimes it's the other...

A SM is not obliged and it's not excluding to have a screensaver on her personal phone of her DC..or even a pic of her, her DP and their DC.

Picture to share to your friends on Facebook, absurely fine.

Professional pics that will be shared with his family, no.

Pics to put on the walls, no. Although pics of just you and child, absolutely fine.

Pics to put on the walls, no. Although pics of just you and child, absolutely fine.

Even if it is one of several pictures on the walls, including ones with DSC?

I think it’s fine. I don’t post my SS too much on SM because my DH doesn’t like him all over SM. So I’d probably do the same on that basis.

@peboh

I hate family pictures where all the children aren't included. It annoys me when I see families doing it when I know there are other children involved. You're leaving them out and having a cute family picture, but it often comes across that you don't see them as your family just that they're DHs children.

Have your considered that some memorable events might fall outside of contact time? Or in this instance where there’s a significant age gap the eldest children aren’t going to want to do some activities that the youngest will.

I hate the assumption that the resident DC’s life should stop outside of contact time.

It is so weird that people insist DSC must be the centre of everything. Seriously: people must include them in photo screensavers on their phones now?

I rarely take photos with the DSC in them. They aren’t my children. I never share photos of the DSC on social media. I can make the call about photos of my own children but the DSC are not my children. If the DSC are there, I tend to not share photos at all or only share photos without people in them. But only because my DH would be difficult about not including his children. So I just don’t bother.

It’s sad though. We have no photos on display in the house. I have photos of my DC but, because DH hasn’t sorted any photos of his DC, we can’t have photos up. We do have to display a gazillion pictures made by DSD though (but I can’t put up a lovely photo of my son doing his hobby). I’ve decided to frame some for DS’s room anyway though. DH cannot reasonably complain about DS having photos of himself in his own bedroom. I’m not sorting out photos of the DSC for DH though - it’s his job to do that.