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Family pictures without step children
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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:27

I was reading something on Facebook earlier, some may have seen it, of a step mother who asked for her stepson to be cropped out of a family picture so she could use one on her social media with just her children. She was saying the sons mother didn't want pictures of her son on the SM Facebook, the mum is saying she never said that etc etc... It all sounds like a mess but it got me thinking about my own situation and what is deemed as acceptable?

So to clarify, I'm not going to crop anyone out of pictures!

But is it okay to take some family pictures with my biological child without step children in them?

In our situation, I have never put pictures of my step children on my SM. My husband very rarely uses it and, whilst I get on with their mum okay now in the sense that we have a small chat if we ever see each other, she was quite 'territorial' (for want of a better word) when me and DH first met about the children, didn't want me on my own with them for a long time, didn't like it when I took them out once with my parents because 'they aren't her children'. She's never been nasty toward me and we've never actually spoken directly to each other about any of this, I think she just struggled a bit at first and so I made the decision and still do now, to not put anything on SM as I don't know how she'd feel about it and it doesn't really make a difference to me either way.

Now we have our own child though, is it 'okay' to take family photos of me, DH and our joint child for my use? A lot of people on this Facebook thing were making out like it's never okay to exclude step children from family photos? And that if they ever saw them they'd be devastated etc...

Is that really the case do you think? We have lots of family photos of all of us in our home. But just for my personal use, is it okay to want some with just our joint DC?

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BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 01/11/2020 09:30

It depends on ages, what you'd do with the pictures, your relationship with your DSCs, etc, IMO

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:33

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

It depends on ages, what you'd do with the pictures, your relationship with your DSCs, etc, IMO

Okay so

1. They are 7 & 9. Our joint DC is still very young, 1.

2. As mentioned, the pictures would be for my use on social media, because I don't put any of my SC on there. We have family photos in our house which include all of us.

3. We get on well and have a nice relationship. I'm not too overly involved in their parenting because I've never felt that was needed or wanted but yes we have a good relationship I'd say.
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Rae36 · 01/11/2020 09:36

It's fine. I assume you take photos on days when your step kids are not with you? Are you to only take photos when everyone is there? We have photos in our house of us with all different combinations of kids and step kids depending on what it's a photo of and who was there on that particular day.

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peboh · 01/11/2020 09:37

I hate family pictures where all the children aren't included. It annoys me when I see families doing it when I know there are other children involved. You're leaving them out and having a cute family picture, but it often comes across that you don't see them as your family just that they're DHs children.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:37

Sorry the context of the situation that got me thinking was a professionally taken photo family photo.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:38

So basically, some taken with all and a couple taken with me, DH and joint DC so I could put it on my social media.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:40

@peboh

I hate family pictures where all the children aren't included. It annoys me when I see families doing it when I know there are other children involved. You're leaving them out and having a cute family picture, but it often comes across that you don't see them as your family just that they're DHs children.

Is your opinion still the same when the photo is solely for my use as a picture on my social media rather than for around the home? Considering I don't put pictures of my SC on social media because of the way their mum has been in the past (which I understand), this would mean never having a family photo on my social media.
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aSofaNearYou · 01/11/2020 09:41

OF COURSE it's fine, and I think it's incredibly sad that you would even feel the need to ask that question.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:42

@aSofaNearYou

OF COURSE it's fine, and I think it's incredibly sad that you would even feel the need to ask that question.

Well I thought so too tbh but the comments on this post I saw made it seem that the majority thought differently!
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Takethewinefromtheswine · 01/11/2020 09:44

I wouldnt bother me at all if dd's SM left her out of a photo, she isn't SM's family, so of course SM would want photos of her own dc. I think that is totally normal and most unreasonable to expect a mother to include her partner's dc in pics of her own children. It would bother me if she was elbowed out of the way to ensure she wasn't in the photo.

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Flowerpot345 · 01/11/2020 09:44

Yes its absolutely fine, its just a picture.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:46

Lots of the usual comments about they are your children too once you marry, supposed to love them like your own children, my husband raised my daughter since she was 1 etc...

No one really ever stops to think that the above isn't everyone's situation though. I haven't raised my SC, they have two very involved parents and a mother who didn't really want me involved hence why I avoid stepping on toes by not posting pictures of the kids.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:47

@Takethewinefromtheswine

I wouldnt bother me at all if dd's SM left her out of a photo, she isn't SM's family, so of course SM would want photos of her own dc. I think that is totally normal and most unreasonable to expect a mother to include her partner's dc in pics of her own children. It would bother me if she was elbowed out of the way to ensure she wasn't in the photo.

Even if it was a picture of them all together so SM, their DD and your ex husband?
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Takethewinefromtheswine · 01/11/2020 09:47

Re social media- I would be pissed off if my child was put on fb or whatever, as neither me nor my ex put pics of dc up, so I really wouldn't expect other people to do so.

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whynotwhen · 01/11/2020 09:48

If it's professionally taken I think there's a very fine line there. So on the photo shoot day the step children will be there for the whole group but then get put aside to watch just you three having photos on your own? Couldn't do it myself.
Yes to photos of the kids on their own. But no, it's divisive having just you three.
Also, it may just be me (being a grump) but why would you have pro photos of you three to put on social media? I understand pro photos to put up at home, but then It should be of all of you no?
I just don't understand the showing off on socials. If you really want to post on socials then tighten up your friends list so it's only people who would be welcomed into your home anyway and put the photos of your family up (the whole family, the 5 of you)

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ladygracie · 01/11/2020 09:48

I think it’s fine generally but then I thought about the specifics of having a professional photo done and not including your step-children in some of the photos. As in you’d actually ask them to move away so you could have a photo of you, your DH and the little one. That felt a bit less okay. But if that’s not what you meant then it’s obviously not an issue.

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aSofaNearYou · 01/11/2020 09:49

Well I thought so too tbh but the comments on this post I saw made it seem that the majority thought differently

That's because a lot of people are incredibly judgemental and extreme about anything to do with step children. There are hundreds of photos of me over the years with my parents without my sister, and the same for her, because it's perfectly normal for not everyone to be together every time you take a family photo. In your case, there's obviously the perfectly reasonable practical consideration of their mum not liking it, as well. I only have two photos that include my step child on my SM and they are both from the back, for this reason.

I wouldn't put a huge family portrait that didn't include them on the mantelpiece but beyond that? Obviously it's fine for there to be photos of any of the family in any configuration. I think it's incredibly ridiculous to say otherwise.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:50

No I wouldn't be comfortable asking them to move out of the pictures either, so if I were going to do it (and this is a hypothetical situation by the way), I'd have the others done on a day they weren't there.

Or just ask someone we knew to take some nice ones of the 3 of us.

I appreciate some people don't like putting pictures on SM but that wasn't really my question.

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PityPooty · 01/11/2020 09:51

@Takethewinefromtheswine

Re social media- I would be pissed off if my child was put on fb or whatever, as neither me nor my ex put pics of dc up, so I really wouldn't expect other people to do so.

Their mum puts lots of pictures of them on SM but I have chosen not to because I got the impression that she wouldn't like it from things that were said to DH about me and my involvement with the kids at first.
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Maybe83 · 01/11/2020 09:51

No I wouldn't book a professional family shoot for DH, I and our daughter and not include my SS in the appointment. No more than I would book one and leave my dd, DH SD out.

We have lots of photos in our house with all types of combination make ups. From days out family events etc. These naturally have differences as the older children may not have there or my younger one if we were doing something with the older ones.

There is a big difference in that and the normalness of day to day life and booking professional family photos and excluding them.

Your SC are old enough that easily could notice and be upset by it. Is that something you would to do so you can display photos on SM? For me the possible benefits would not be worth the potential upset it may cause.

This is something that has been discussed many times before and people have differing views on. For me it comes down on the fact by doing it you are confirming you consider you, your dh and your children as a standalone family without your sc.

I dont view my family like that and if my dh for example wanted to book a professional photographer for us SS and our joint child excluding my dd I would tell him no.

That doesn't mean you can't book something and have different shots taken ie the two oldest and the two youngest together, all the children together then all of you together for example as a compromise.

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Takethewinefromtheswine · 01/11/2020 09:52

The SM has a family and a right to pics of her family. My dc is not her family, she is extended family and you wouldn't drag your neice into all pics because you love your sister. If your DH wants pics of his family, he may or may not consider that that includes dc from his first relationship. The SM is entitled to a photo of her own family. I love my child immeasurably, but her SM doesnt need a giant random looming in the back of pics of her kids dressed as pumpkins or whatever just for the sake of equity.

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emilybrontescorsett · 01/11/2020 09:52

Of course it’s fine.

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Yecartmannew · 01/11/2020 09:53

We had some of the whole family, some with us and the joint children only, some with us and step children only and some of step children and dad only.

One of the step children n
ow has the pick with us and step children up in his own house ( adults now)

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Yecartmannew · 01/11/2020 09:56

I think it's about general inclusion more than individual things.

Lots and lots of little things can easily add up to rejection but occasional things are a normal part of family life

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M0rT · 01/11/2020 09:58

I only have full siblings and our parents are still together.
When the youngest became an adult my DM decided she wanted a professional photograph of the whole family before it started to grow with partners & kids.
The photographer put us into different groupings for the shots, so some with everyone, some with just siblings, some just parents, some all the men, some all the women etc.
I think they do this as standard so it wouldn't be odd or exclusionary for you to get some shots with your DH and joint DC as well as with SDC, some with just DC, some with DH & DC etc.
Which you choose to purchase and what you do with them is up to you.
My DM has a series on her wall of the photographs and we are only all in one of them.
So if you just want to put one of your DH & joint DC on Instagram who will even know the SDC aren't on it?

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