Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

Sassbott this is so true.

Had I known this was how it was going to turn out, I would never have gotten involved. And if this ends, I don't ever get involved with another man with young children. It's not worth it. I'd rather stay single.

This is me too.

Although one of the reasons for leaving my DP is due to him stringing me along with the promise of marriage, I'm not leaving him in the hope of finding someone else to marry. If someone amazing came along, I'd be open to it, but I'd rather be single than be a step parent to children under 18 ever again.

Just this evening, DP somehow got DS4 to do the dishes with him, while Golden Child DSS11 stood behind them smirking, doing precisely nothing to help. When I protested, DP weakly answered that DS4 wanted to...exactly who is the parent here??? On the split I would prefer to leave both DP and DSS as memories, unfortunately I'll still have to communicate with DP due to our shared DC.

@itsovernowthen

I'm 35 and have been a single parent for almost 5 years, since my son was a baby.
People always ask me when I'm going to start 'dating' but at this age, the men either have kids or will be looking to have them. Don't see the benefit for me at all. Very happy as a family unit of two.

His dad moved on straight away and I can only imagine the numerous half siblings, step siblings and step mothers in my son's future.

Never been a step parent but was a step child.
Step mother was a nice kind lady but when my dad died and all funeral stuff was sorted and she was ok and met someone new.
I never kept in touch and neither did she.

@TeachesOfPeaches

I would have loved to have had more DC before the relationship turned sour, however DP always insisted 3 was enough for him. When I'd say I only had two, he'd then turn it into an argument about how I hated DSS (couldn't be further from the truth) to close the conversation down

He's a few years older than me, however I'm pretty sure my DP will go on to not only marry, but also have more DC, as men can, can't they?

I'm happy with my two DC, but at just turned 40, it's probably too late for me to have any more DC with someone new, and anyway I don't really think I'd want to deal with soon-to-be exDP and another DP who I had children with.

@Justbeinghonestreally
What if your DH leaves and moves on? will you be the difficult first wife or facilitate good relations with his new wife?
We don’t always get what we wish for, I wouldn’t stay in a dead marriage because I couldn’t bear my kids being step kids.
Staying together for kids is never good.

Maybe interesting spin on this... about 2 years ago my DP was on hospital having an Operation ( he was ok for 2.5 weeks) when his kids weekend came around and his daughter messaged to see if they were still staying I said no as I was really busy and running back and forth to the hospital. (The kids were being taken to see there dad my grandparents and auntie so that was fine) I did say I'd pick them up and we (then and my then 1 year old) would go to macdonalds for lunch and time for the kids to see each other.

I then found out months down the line the kids mum was quite angry contact was cancelled for 2 weeks (one week in hospital and the other as dad was still quite poorly- auntie took the kids this second weekend and they popped into see us etc) and she made a comment that god forbid my partner was no longer around (I think she meant death almost spilt) I should keep up weekend contact as they have a brother in my son.

All I thought was absolutely not... there would always be contact but not to that level. Would other mums Expect this or even want it??

@Songbird232018. Believe it or not there was a thread on here about and OP in that exact position. Her DH had died and his ex wanted her to continue with her DSCs previous contact schedule and maintenance payments. The poor woman was on the edge of a break down between dealing with her grief, her own DC, her full time job plus all the death admin, and some crazy bitch thought “oh well I’ll just dump my kids at her doorstep too”.
Wish I was kidding.

Speaking as the step child myself I have to say the detachment demonstrated by a lot of you in this thread was painfully apparent in my multiple step mothers when I was growing up. It doesn't matter how kind and welcoming you think you're being, trust me, those children will be switched on to your real indifference to them and it absolutely affects their self esteem for life.

I have no words for the way children are swept aside and forgotten about after years of the step parent trying to build a relationship with them. Children are taught that relationships are meaningless and that family is disposable, and so the cycle continues. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

To the step parents who genuinely care and would miss their step children I applaud you, the world needs more people like you and I wish I'd had someone like you in my life growing up.

@missusaverage as a step child who is now an adult, have you made any effort to contact these multiple step mothers who, I imagine, now will be getting elderly? If not then it seems you have the same detachment they did.

Also, I think some posters are failing to recognise that step parents have zero rights to see step children in the event of a split. Unless their now ex partner or the children's mother facilitates contact it's not going to happen. How many mother's would make the effort to contact the ex or their ex partner? I asked earlier and no-one responded.

My experience (as a former foster child) and as a grown woman is that fundamentally, as a species, we aren’t designed to naturally want the best options/resources for other people’s children, but are for our own?

I don’t mean giving free meals or giving a lift or having a conversation or buying Xmas presents or “easy” social stuff, I mean really genuinely having that connection and wanting them to achieve stuff and be conventionally successful. Which will come out over time.

I mean my foster parents were externally nice, but their primary goal was to make life easier for their own children (and though it wasn’t said there was a lot of resentment if I did better than them academically or in sports or was perceived to be more conventionally physically attractive than their daughter).

Ditto with dating a man with children - however much we all “got on” socially on the surface, fundamentally he wanted resources/attention/success for his own children, at my social and economic cost.

It’s exacerbated by sexism as well - because it’s regarded as a woman’s job to take on the mental load etc, I think some guys look to women to provide for their children with another woman

the guy I dated had children leaving university and still was trying to come up with ideas for us to “romantically progress our relationship”

which somehow would involve me financially contributing to a living situation which just happened to be for the benefit of his children...

[quote KylieKoKo]@missusaverage as a step child who is now an adult, have you made any effort to contact these multiple step mothers who, I imagine, now will be getting elderly? If not then it seems you have the same detachment they did.[/quote]
I can't find the person's comment you are talking about, but speaking as a step child of multiple step mothers myself there was never any way to do that. Facebook and the internet wasn't a thing back then, my father held their contact info and would have been very hurt if I had tried to bring it up....but most importantly I WAS A CHILD. It is not a child's responsibility to seek out a fully grown adult to maintain a relationship with them, that should be the adults job!

And as I said before, my step mothers indifference was painfully obvious behind the veneer of pleasantries so why as a child would I seek them out after the break up?

My Dad was thrice married. I'm the eldest child, followed by 2 from his 2nd marriage and one from his third.
Before that child was born he raised his 3rd wife's two children while she studied.

Dad and I were reunited when I was an adult, so we had a very equal, honest relationship.

One sunny afternoon Dad and I sat by the river having a drink. The subject of our complicated family came up, and I'll never forget what he said.

"Darling, you never love somebody else's children as much as, or in the same way, that you love your own".

Perhaps that explains the responses of some of those on this thread.

Mine are genuinely lovely, amazing kids. Not technically step DC as I don't really want to do the whole marriage thing again, despite being absolutely committed to long term DP, but he's working on me gradually 😂. We also don't live together which may make a differerence, as its better to keep separate homes to keep things stable for our respective DC. Thrusting them all together in a live-in situation against their will would be unfair and chaotic, but we all spend a decent amount of time per week with each other. I really like the DC, think of them often when I'm not with them, and will pick up little treats and things I think they'll like etc. I do miss them to a reasonable degree. They are amazing kids who will go far. But if we split? I'd be sad but it wouldn't kill me. They have two really great parents. I'm a bonus family friend type figure who comes over with treats and has fun with them, but it wouldn't upset them too much if I wasn't on the scene I don't think. I'd wish them well of course, and probably take an interest from time to time and look them up on Facebook, but not be all that heartbroken. I worked in a school for a long time, and compare it to KIDS I taught...I still think of them fondly, and if one of them out of the blue contacted me for help or a chat, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I kind of compare step parenting to that. They're not mine, I care very much, but not so deep as it would pain me if they were out of sight.

No reason at all. But it seems the indifference is mutual.

Also, again, step parents have no right to see their step children. Its not as simple as them just not caring. Unless the children are now adults it's not possible without it being instigated by the parents which isn't likely to happen after a split.

"Darling, you never love somebody else's children as much as, or in the same way, that you love your own"

I really don't think this is shocking though. I think most people feel this way but some don't want to admit it because you're expected to feel X Y and Z and you're told to 'be ashamed of yourself' if you don't.

It's completely natural, imo, to care for and love, your own children more. Of course it is. It doesn't make you evil.

I know my step children and I know my husband and his ex. And I know that they didn't want another over bearing parental figure in their life. I honestly credit the way we are together with why our situation has gone so smoothly. So yes I guess with that decision comes a form of 'detachment' in the sense that I don't have a strong parental bond with the children, but I don't see it as a bad thing personally.

And as other said, its not up to a SP whether or not they even get to remain in contact post split even if they wanted to.

@KylieKoKo

No reason at all. But it seems the indifference is mutual.

Also, again, step parents have no right to see their step children. Its not as simple as them just not caring. Unless the children are now adults it's not possible without it being instigated by the parents which isn't likely to happen after a split.

Are you addressing me? If so then no the indifference was not at the time mutual. If it was then I wouldn't have been so hurt by my step mother being indifferent towards me would I?!

As the years have gone on and I have more clarity I don't feel anything towards them. But as a step child it absolutely does hurt not to receive Christmas and birthday cards from someone who pretended to care about you for so long. There are no laws preventing a step parent from sending them after a break up for goodness sake.

I still think of them fondly, and if one of them out of the blue contacted me for help or a chat, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I kind of compare step parenting to that. They're not mine, I care very much, but not so deep as it would pain me if they were out of sight

I feel a bit like this. As I said in a previous reply, if me and DH split and he told me the children wanted to keep in touch/were upset or whatever then I would do so for their sakes. But it wouldn't pain me a great deal if they didn't and I wouldn't push it.

I care in the sense I care about friends children or any other children I know. I want only good things for them. I just wouldn't feel the need to continue the relationship individually if my relationship with their father ended.

i wonder how the many women who post here saying things like;

i won't let my dp parents see their grandkids because they don't treat my child from a previous relationship the same as his biological children at christmas

or

my dp seems to want to spend time with his biological kids rather than his step kids

feel about this type of thread.

No but Christmas and birthday cards aren't the same as seeing the children. Have you ever sent a card to any of your ex step mothers? Can you not see how sending cards to an ex's child after a break up could be seen as inappropriate if the child's parents didn't support them in keeping a relationship with a child?

As I said earlier I would be sad not to see my step children and think of them fondly. But ultimately I'd get over it and so would they. I'd have to as I'd have no choice.

Ah so if we sent a Christmas card once a year we no longer have to be ashamed of ourselves?

My ex husband who had no children of his own walked away from his stepson of 20 years without even a goodbye.
If I'd known he was going to be such an uncaring shit I'd have left him in the gutter where he belonged.
My son was very upset.

What a relief this thread is..

To finally get my validation.

As a step daughter who felt her step mother was faking it all along and doing her utmost best to make sure she sees as little of her as possible..

Quite literally resulting in my biggest depressive sink in my teenage years and almost altering my life direction.

Children do sense what’s going on even if unsaid.. they don’t feel welcomes when they feel like a burden..

You don’t have to love them as your own.. that’s extreme and no one wants that. But to try be friends and friendly..

How odd that you would be that much into someone’s life and not want to acknowledge that part of your life. It’s not normal to be this detached..

I dislike my dads wife.. I judge my dad for staying with her..

I really wanted her to be family. I wanted to be her family. Even though I met her during teenage years.. but my brother was only little..

She wasn’t interested. And so I don’t fricking know why she married my dad ??

When I confronted her, she admitted it’s because she can’t get over the fact she dislikes my mum.

My mum swallowed her pride and thanksd her for looking after us (only during summer break) and no she didn’t look after us she just shared a space with us while we did all the looking after ourselves and mum sent her gifts..

Ofcourse she was probably angry at the situation and angry at dad and decided it’s easier to blame it on our existanCe.

My advice is.. stop scapegoating ur step kids. They don’t connect with u because they sense how u feel.. ur relationship isn’t affected by them. If ur married to a man who doesn’t know how to balance his wife and kids then you don’t have a catch and that’s your real problem.. and u might want to sympathize with the ex instead of hate her.

Why can’t people see step kids as nephews and nieces ??

I certainly wanted to see my dads wife as an aunt. Not a mother. Just an aunt.

I learnt a great deal by having hearts to hearts with her. My family was destroyed and going through hell and I learnt a lot from being in a stable home..

But her resentment of me was unreal and managed to finally overwhelm her and our relationship. She admitted it.

She had similar impact on my life as an aunt or a teacher does.. for the first part where I tried to ignore the childish behaviour and tried to build a relationship with her..

But she was impossible to crack.

@MrsNotNice

My feelings towards my step children are similar to how I feel about my nephew and niece. However, the difference is that I'm connected to them by various members of my family who I'm unlikely to lose touch with. If dp and I split then I have no connection to them unless their parents decide I do. Therefore it's likely that I won't see them.