Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

@MrsNotNice

What a relief this thread is..

To finally get my validation.

As a step daughter who felt her step mother was faking it all along and doing her utmost best to make sure she sees as little of her as possible..

Quite literally resulting in my biggest depressive sink in my teenage years and almost altering my life direction.

Children do sense what’s going on even if unsaid.. they don’t feel welcomes when they feel like a burden..

You don’t have to love them as your own.. that’s extreme and no one wants that. But to try be friends and friendly..

How odd that you would be that much into someone’s life and not want to acknowledge that part of your life. It’s not normal to be this detached..

I dislike my dads wife.. I judge my dad for staying with her..

I really wanted her to be family. I wanted to be her family. Even though I met her during teenage years.. but my brother was only little..

She wasn’t interested. And so I don’t fricking know why she married my dad ??

When I confronted her, she admitted it’s because she can’t get over the fact she dislikes my mum.

My mum swallowed her pride and thanksd her for looking after us (only during summer break) and no she didn’t look after us she just shared a space with us while we did all the looking after ourselves and mum sent her gifts..

Ofcourse she was probably angry at the situation and angry at dad and decided it’s easier to blame it on our existanCe.

My advice is.. stop scapegoating ur step kids. They don’t connect with u because they sense how u feel.. ur relationship isn’t affected by them. If ur married to a man who doesn’t know how to balance his wife and kids then you don’t have a catch and that’s your real problem.. and u might want to sympathize with the ex instead of hate her.

I'm a little confused.

No one here has suggested they try to see as little of their SCs as possible, I certainly haven't anyway. They live with us 50% of the time and I am here for that.

I also have never suggested they are unwelcomed or made to feel like a burden.

But to try be friends and friendly

Literally what most posters here have said they do.

I don't think anyone here is scapegoating their step children. Most people who have issues with their partners being unable to balance them and their children or who have to deal with difficult exes, (I don't personally but some others on this thread do), have made it quite clear that they know the problem is their partner or the ex but that it affects the type of relationship you are able to form with the children.

I'm sorry for your experience but the majority of your post is pure projection of your own situation.

I think some posters are mistaking how we'd act in a hypothetical situation, splitting from our partners, with how we act now.

If me and DH split, a big IF, I wouldn't be overly upset at no longer seeing my step children.

That is not the same as saying that now, whilst me and DH are married and together, I don't care at all about them, I am completely detached, I am unwelcoming and treat them like a burden that I want to see as little as possible.

The relationship between step parents and step children only exists as a by product of the relationship between the SP and that child’s parent. It will thrive or not largely depending on how the child’s parents approach the situation, and in the majority of cases it will end if the primary relationship ends. Sort of like how you often hear of cousins losing touch after the common grandparents die.
I know for a cast iron fact that DSDs mother would lose her mind if I tried to have the type of relationship with DSD that some PPs feel they should have had with their SMs.

@Giespeace I agree entirely with your last post.
You can form bonds with kids who aren't your own such as nieces, nephews etc. as generally these bonds are encouraged by extended family members.
It is virtually impossible to form bonds with stepkids if their other parent won't 'allow' it or said parent is dripping negativity into their ears.
I encouraged my kids to have a relationship with their sm & they needed that 'permission' from me.
Exdp's kids were actively discouraged by their dm from thinking of me positively & it put massive strain on my relationship with exdp.
Stepkids who say they felt unwanted at a sm's house often have no idea of the dynamic being played out between all the adults & I know that exdp's ex would have had many a meltdown if I had encroached on her kids all the while whinging that I wasn't nice enough to them. She wanted the distance to be there & she succeeded in getting that.

My kids know their sm doesn't feel for them the way she feels for her own & they are totally ok with that because they understand it. She's lovely to them when they're there but they don't need or want her to be knocking herself out for them - that's their dad's job & again they get this.

I would absolutely stay in touch with stepdd, she has been in my life for 23 years, we love each other. She lives with her boyfriend about a 4 hour drive from us after living with us for 4 years and I miss her

My DB had a stepson, a boy who was 5 when DB came into his life, saw his own dad EOW but called my DB "daddy" as insisted by SIL. They Wanted to get his surname changed to DB's (his dad wouldn't allow it). Made a big fuss about "loving him like his own" - DB And SIL had a baby of their own and DB insisted he loved stepson as much as his DS

DB and SIL split 4 years ago when the stepson was 11 and my brother hasn't clapped eyes on him since the day he walked out, by choice. too much hassle apparently I think it's so much better that realistic expectations are set and people don't play the whole "call him daddy" card. I don't expect DB to have stayed in touch with his stepson but I find it unfair on the boy that my DB essentially used him as a vehicle to show what a Good Person he was when he clearly didn't give two shits

@FlippidyFlop

Ah so if we sent a Christmas card once a year we no longer have to be ashamed of ourselves?

This is exactly the sort of flippant and nasty reply I would expect from someone who is comfortable messing with a child's head. It is inappropriate to trivialise and joke about a child's wellbeing, something that anybody with basic parental instinct would be well aware of.

@KylieKoKo

No but Christmas and birthday cards aren't the same as seeing the children. Have you ever sent a card to any of your ex step mothers? Can you not see how sending cards to an ex's child after a break up could be seen as inappropriate if the child's parents didn't support them in keeping a relationship with a child?

As I said earlier I would be sad not to see my step children and think of them fondly. But ultimately I'd get over it and so would they. I'd have to as I'd have no choice.

You appear not to be reading my posts fully. As I explained I was a child when my father split with the step mothers in my life. He held their contact info and I didn't have access to that information. They no longer resided in the home that I visited them in.

After years of no contact from them why would I then seek them out once an adult, even if I could find them? It wasn't as simple as going on Facebook, this wasn't a resource available at the time. Years of no contact from them change the situation, they made it clear they didn't want to know.

And no I can't see that it's inappropriate to send a card. In fact a family member does just that with no negative repercussions to their step children. I use the present tense as I don't believe they stopped being her step children, the degree of involvement she had in raising them means she will always be a part of their history and this needs to be honoured. The children are almost grown up and have always responded positively to catch up texts and cards.

Unfortunately most people on this thread seem to want to use an awful lot of excuses as to why this isn't possible. Nobody is expecting a step mother to maintain the same degree of involvement and contact as she had when the children were 50/50 custody for example, but it is perfectly possible not to cut the children off completely if that's something you actually want to do. It seems to me that in a lot of cases there just isn't the motivation or the care to do so. It's all about the message you are putting across to them. Children need to know that they matter, that they weren't a completely coincidental piece of clutter tagged on to someone's relationship.

I'm trying to think back on my years as a SM. And do remember finding it tough. I used to worry that if DH died/we split DSS wouldn't bother to see me. I wanted to be able to help him more but couldn't as it wasn't my role
Now if DH died I think he would come and see me if easy (he is pretty lazy) in an ad hoc way(he is in his 20s). He would definitely see his half siblings as he loves them very much. I would miss him terribly he is great company and I love him. Different my from my own DC but like a friend who I care for deeply.

This is exactly the sort of flippant and nasty reply I would expect from someone who is comfortable messing with a child's head. It is inappropriate to trivialise and joke about a child's wellbeing, something that anybody with basic parental instinct would be well aware of

You brought up Christmas cards, not me. I'm asking a question. In your opinion, all that's needed to no longer make this some terrible act of abandonment is a card once a year?

And you're not insulting me by suggesting I don't have any parental instinct toward my step children, I've said several times that I don't have that sort of relationship with them and I've explained why if you bothered to read my posts properly instead of jumping to the conclusion that I'm some wicked witch.

No one in my situation wanted another parental figure. It wouldn't have been appropriate, knowing the people involved, including the children. I've accepted that with that does come a lesser bond than others may experience where there was room for more parental involvement, but I don't agree that it's always a bad thing.

@Toontown

I'm trying to think back on my years as a SM. And do remember finding it tough. I used to worry that if DH died/we split DSS wouldn't bother to see me. I wanted to be able to help him more but couldn't as it wasn't my role Now if DH died I think he would come and see me if easy (he is pretty lazy) in an ad hoc way(he is in his 20s). He would definitely see his half siblings as he loves them very much. I would miss him terribly he is great company and I love him. Different my from my own DC but like a friend who I care for deeply.

I think this is a really good example of a healthy and caring step parent relationship with their child. I don't expect anyone to feel exactly the same about their step children as their real children. But an acknowledgement of each other after the split, the odd visit or letter and signs of continuing genuine affection would be a lovely outcome for all involved.

@FlippidyFlop

This is exactly the sort of flippant and nasty reply I would expect from someone who is comfortable messing with a child's head. It is inappropriate to trivialise and joke about a child's wellbeing, something that anybody with basic parental instinct would be well aware of

You brought up Christmas cards, not me. I'm asking a question. In your opinion, all that's needed to no longer make this some terrible act of abandonment is a card once a year?

And you're not insulting me by suggesting I don't have any parental instinct toward my step children, I've said several times that I don't have that sort of relationship with them and I've explained why if you bothered to read my posts properly instead of jumping to the conclusion that I'm some wicked witch.

No one in my situation wanted another parental figure. It wouldn't have been appropriate, knowing the people involved, including the children. I've accepted that with that does come a lesser bond than others may experience where there was room for more parental involvement, but I don't agree that it's always a bad thing.

Nope, I never said that a card is all that's needed. It's an example of the bare minimum level of contact, use your imagination for further ways people could interact with their step children after a break up. It's not difficult.

The degree and nature of contact entirely depends on the children's needs, desires and ages, as is appropriate.

The degree and nature of contact entirely depends on the children's needs, desires and ages, as is appropriate

And again, if you'd bothered to read my replies I've said multiple times I'd stay in touch if that's what the children wanted.

My only point is that I personally, wouldn't be upset about it if not. I never even said I wouldn't send things like a Christmas card or whatever and again, as I've said before, if the children wanted to stay in contact or were upset then I would do for their sakes.

My post is purely about my personal feelings on it and the fact that not seeing them wouldn't be a huge upsetting part of me and DH splitting up.

that they weren't a completely coincidental piece of clutter tagged on to someone's relationship
The way you’ve phrased it is harsh but that’s what they are - coincidental. Most people don’t enter relationships saying “hurrah, a ready made family, what luck!”. The person we fall for either had children already or not.
The real problem IMO is SPs like PPs brother who pretend to love the children like their own then just fuck off. That behaviour is as shit from a SP as it is from bio parents.
I don’t pretend anything of the sort. DSD is fine with or without me, just as I am. She doesn’t need me to parent her. She comes her for her DF to do that, and I don’t get in the way of that.

@Giespeace

that they weren't a completely coincidental piece of clutter tagged on to someone's relationship The way you’ve phrased it is harsh but that’s what they are - coincidental. Most people don’t enter relationships saying “hurrah, a ready made family, what luck!”. The person we fall for either had children already or not. The real problem IMO is SPs like PPs brother who pretend to love the children like their own then just fuck off. That behaviour is as shit from a SP as it is from bio parents. I don’t pretend anything of the sort. DSD is fine with or without me, just as I am. She doesn’t need me to parent her. She comes her for her DF to do that, and I don’t get in the way of that.

Agree, it's not acceptable to act that way and then just up and leave without another thought. I wouldn't do that if I had such a relationship with a child because it's cruel. But I don't.

This is where the problem comes in when people act like it's a one size fits all with step parenting. Talking of parental instinct and love and bonding etc... You can call it an excuse, I don't care, but not everyone's situation allows for that type of relationship. Sometimes it is better for all involved to be slightly detached and just stay as a friendly adult because it would cause fall outs and more drama if you tried to push yourself into a more important role. It is entirely dependant on the people involved, including children, exes and partners. Not all children want someone who acts as another parent, going to nativity plays and parents evenings especially not if it causes conflict with their parents.

Yes there may be some blended families where you're able to get really involved and have that relationship with the children, where you can spend 20yrs as a sort of other mother to them and everyone is super happy and goes to school plays together and tells each other they love each other all the time and so on. But it doesn't always work out that way.

It’s really difficult to compare SC’s to nieces and nephews. Generally speaking, a relationship with nieces and nephews is in parallel to a healthy relationship with their parents, which is not peppered by divorce, anger or jealously. Nieces and nephews generally don’t stay in your home either, or not so frequently or for a set amount of time - you have total discretion.

Do people actually think stepmums should pine for their stepchildren in the event of them not being with the father anymore?

What do people expect? I’ve not seen my niece and nephews for years and it doesn’t bother me. If my next door neighbours moved it wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t see their kids again and they are lovely kids. The same mentality applies to my ex’s child. We were together for a decade but I still don’t sit in a darkened room sobbing everyday because I don’t see his child anywhere near as much as I used to.

It was former dsc’s birthday this week and I sent a card. I thought that was enough effort from me, even without covid being a barrier.

I actually think it’d be a relief not to have to deal with them!Never have I come across such whiney manipulative kids,they truly are their mothers children, I feel exhausted at the mention of their names 🙄First wives should bear in mind if you treat your ex and new DP badly and make everything as difficult as possible it does not endear your offspring to anyone.

Are you my sister?!

That's what she would say. Every word is spot on. It would a dream for her never to see her awful SDC again.

First wives should bear in mind if you treat your ex and new DP badly and make everything as difficult as possible it does not endear your offspring to anyone.

This is so true! My ex’s ex wife actually made her own child less appealing because of her own behaviour and the things she said to me. So everything she said was actually counter productive to what she wanted to achieve. Her having a go at me for going on a day out on my own with my own children for example, just pushed me further away from dsc. Because the resentment built up at me not being allowed time with my own children.

So yes, first wives need to think about their attitude and what they’re saying.

First wives should bear in mind if you treat your ex and new DP badly and make everything as difficult as possible it does not endear your offspring to anyone.

Nail on the head.

When DH and I were doing our wills it provoked a bit of a morbid chat. I said if I die and he remarries (or cohabits) please ensure our joint DC are respectful to the incoming wife and please make sure the incoming wife is kind to our DC. I also asked that he didn’t spoil the DC as he is prone to and made sure they eat some fruit and veg and not just junk. I have tried to preempt the issues!

I woulndt see ss again. Can't say either of us would care. We've never bonded. When he's here he's here to see his dad, not me and its clear he would rather I wasn't here. He's a teenager but I've been with dh 10 years. We're still pretty much like strangers. His mums a bit weird though and has told some lies about dh and also probably about me. I don't get involved though. I think she said we had an affair when we didn't, she did.

I have on occasion thought if dh died, our kids and ss would probably never see each other again. I certainly woulndt go out of my way to maintain contact.

There are bio parents that don’t talk to their children, families that fall out and yet some posters expect different dynamics between step parents and their step kids. Like that relationship should be held in higher esteem. Like every other relationship, it’s much more complex than just labels.

The first wives/ mothers who do not support another woman in their DC’s lives, do so deliberately. Their entire modus operandi is to cause issues in the second household via their children. As a mother I know I have a choice, I can either speak ill about my exh’s partner and ensure my children arrive at their home with their dad angry, confused, conflicted and sullen. I could probably wind the oldest up enough to back chat to her. If I was insecure/ didn’t want another woman close to my children and if I just wanted to cause arguments / tension in that household it’s what I’d do.

And that is why so many mothers do precisely what they do. As @Magda72 has said, the children need permission from both parents to respect, connect with and form emotional bonds with their parents new partners. Without that encouragement (chastisement if they’re rude), it it nigh on impossible. Regardless of what the step parent then does, they’re screwed.

I choose to teach my children to respect any elder in their life who helps to keep them safe, cares for them and provides for them. If I ever heard of my children being rude to my exh’s partner, there would be a conversation had with me. My exh is exactly the same regards my partner. Both of us are secure in our roles as parents and only want our children to grow up respectfully.

The women (or men) who choose differently, do so deliberately. They do not want another woman close to their child. They know exactly what they are doing. As I said further up thread, my partners exw’s behaviour has ensured I have ruled out marriage or co-habitting (after a 5 year relationship). There is nothing I can do to counteract her (or actually my DP’s Disney dad parenting).

The absolute best thing I can do for those poor children is to not make it about me. Step back. And allow the children to spend time with their father minus the conflict of being around me. It’s actually the kinder and more respectful thing to do in these scenarios - detach.
Because if grown women were on here making their SC’s rejection about them, I’d be criticising them.

Step mothers really are screwed. And 9 times out of 10, it’s the parents who have created these dysfunctional dynamics. Not the step parent. The step parent doesn’t have enough control to do so.

And I agree. When they’re young, the SC are the innocent parties. Theyre ripe for manipulation/ poison (i found out eventually that the reason for my DP’s DC completely ignoring me was because their mother had told them I was trying to take them away from her and if they said they liked me, they wouldn’t see her again). All that was happening at that point is my DP was going through the courts to secure standard EOW contact which she fought tooth and nail. She also said that if they told anyone they wanted to go on holiday with my DP, they wouldn’t see her for two weeks/ a month). Poor children had so much anxiety and fear, whilst being completely conflicted because they desperately wanted to see their dad and go on holiday with him. They also wanted to visit but believed their mother. Their behaviour with me changed virtually overnight.

They were put in a horrific situation by their mother. We did not know. All I knew is that I would see them, try and be warm and welcoming and they would look right through me. This behaviour went on for a good six months. By which point all I could do was step back and leave them to be with their father.

So I do understand, the children are completely innocent in these situations. But it is also intensely painful as an adult to not only be repeatedly rejected, but for it to happen in your home. With a (Disney) partner who completely absolves themselves of trying to recognise / do anything to make it more palatable.

So for the grown up SC on here hammering their ex step parents? Perhaps point your arrows closer to home. Your parents created these dynamics. I’d put money on it.

And this is why step mothers (and let’s be honest for the most part it is women) get such a hard time on here and have such an awful reputation.

And is why, IMO, blending families is wrong and having more children into a family where you can freely admit you’d never see half of them again if the relationship ended is beyond selfish. But hey, as long as you get your baby eh?

And let’s be honest here, of course it’s not a hypothetical question. if you’ve thought about it and realised you would never be bothered if you never saw the DSC ever again, then that’s how you think now if the DSC disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t bother you. But if they decided to stay away because they disliked you and felt sidelined you would play the victim.