Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

@Justbeinghonestreally

This thread has made me think. There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

My thoughts exactly!

Aren’t you all a bit false then? putting on fake displays of affection. Must be hard work keeping up that pretence. I’d hate living like that, pretending to care when I couldn’t give a rats behind.

As a SP you can care for, like and look after your partners children. Doesn't mean you have to if the relationship ends. They already have a mother.

Would you stay in touch with a friends children if the friendship ends?

I've been in that situation twice. Stated in touch with two SC because they also wanted it, as young adults.

It’s not fake. It’s just not forever. Or vital to my happiness like my relationship with my children, for example.

@Suzi888

Aren’t you all a bit false then? putting on fake displays of affection. Must be hard work keeping up that pretence. I’d hate living like that, pretending to care when I couldn’t give a rats behind.

You're mistaking what I'm saying for not caring at all or not giving a 'rat's behind'.

I do care, I want them to be happy and welcomed when here, I want them to have fun at our house, I only ever wish the best for them and I care that they have a good relationship with their Dad and, by default, me because it would be hard to have a decent relationship with their Dad if we didn't get along.

I do give a 'rat's behind' about them. I don't wish any ill will.

Me saying I wouldn't be bothered about continuing the relationship if we split up isn't the same as saying I don't give a shit about them when they are with us.

How would it work for non adult SC then? Me ringing up their mother who've I never met and saying can I take your children to my new home? No I no longer see their father. Yes I know they already have two homes but can I add to that, with your permission by having them stay at my home once a week. As a non relative with no relationship to either parent.

See it's really really messy.

And your ex who also spent a few years as a SP, can he have them one night too? So that makes 4 homes.

@Suzi888

Aren’t you all a bit false then? putting on fake displays of affection. Must be hard work keeping up that pretence. I’d hate living like that, pretending to care when I couldn’t give a rats behind.

It’s not fake. But it is the only way to navigate the situation.

I do a lot to support my DH with his children because I do care. I want them to be ok and have a great relationship with their father.

But I am detached from them because I care. DSD in particular is caught in terrible loyalty binds that affects her ability to relate to her father, never mind to me. Even if I could be close to her, it would make her feelings that she’d betraying her mum even worse. So I am detached but kind.

The thing is, the reason things are the way they are is not because I’m a horrible stepmother. It’s because of their parents’ actions and attitudes. Staying in a toxic marriage wouldn’t have helped the children, but it hasn’t changed the difficulties that arise from her parents’ behaviour. Evil SMs are a convenient scapegoat but the problem for DC is almost always game playing and conflict between the parents. The dysfunctional relationships would be a problem with or without stepmothers.

Aren’t you all a bit false then? putting on fake displays of affection. Must be hard work keeping up that pretence. I’d hate living like that, pretending to care when I couldn’t give a rats behind.

I did care about my former dsc, but yes I found the whole stepparenting role exhausting. The expectations put on to stepmums are usually unreasonable and then when they’re one of the especially unlucky ones to also have an unsupportive and lazy partner, it’s just a miserable and stressful existence and does make you daydream about a life where you’re not a stepparent anymore.

I do keep in touch with my former dsc mainly because my children are their siblings, but it’s very relaxed and on an adhoc basis. But I will admit that if all contact ceased I personally wouldn’t cry about it. I don’t think it would dramatically affect my children either.

If my DP dropped dead tomorrow then, unfortunately, my DD wouldn't see her half-sibling until one of them was an adult due to his ex's behaviour.

If my DP dropped dead in 5 years then they would have a relationship as DD's half-sibing would be old enough to navigate one half of the relationship. I would have to do my DD part.

If I split from my DP I wouldn't see his child but my DD would at his.

Would I be sad not to see DD's half-sibling? Yes but having been a step-child with a step-mother my dad split from, it's the bonds between half-siblings that need to be maintained not your own bond with your step-children.

Aren’t you all a bit false then? putting on fake displays of affection. Must be hard work keeping up that pretence. I’d hate living like that, pretending to care when I couldn’t give a rats behind.

Yes there is an element of falseness and yes it is hard work but the same is true of many things to do with children. I falsely pretend to be enthusiastic about mundane things 24/7 with my own DD. I also falsely talk in a childish voice, and pretend to drink the tea she "makes" for me. I falsely pretend to be happy/calm when I am actually sad/angry.

Being a parent involves holding up a pretence a lot of the time, it isn't that much of a stretch to also exaggerate my feelings for my step son for his sake.

For me it's not a fake display of affection, there's a whole scale of emotions between love and hate/indifference.

I've probably spent more time with work colleagues than my own family at points and have really liked and enjoyed the company of some of them. But then things fizzle out more often than not after they or I move jobs. Doesn't mean our relationship at the time was false, just more associated with a specific place and time in my life.

As I mentioned upthread I can't think of any other kind of relationship where someone would be expected to love and miss someone else where that sentiment is neither expected nor reciprocated from the other party. Hell there are plenty of biological parents who fall short when it comes to their children let alone expecting a gold standard from step parents and anything less is a failure or fake.

I've probably spent more time with work colleagues than my own family at points and have really liked and enjoyed the company of some of them. But then things fizzle out more often than not after they or I move jobs. Doesn't mean our relationship at the time was false, just more associated with a specific place and time in my life.

This is so true.

Surely it would be for the best if you don't keep in touch. They already have two parents, then you. Then the ex meets someone new, so her as well. Then they split and in time he meets a new dp. Plus this could happen with their mum also. Keep in touch with all of them, the kids wouldn't have time to do anything else.

It's a silly quote/meme but it's got some truth - people come in to your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes a step parent is a season type relationship.

DSDs mother is currently going through one of her funny turns and obstructing contact time with DSD. Should I be sitting in a darkened room sobbing?
I have my own life and DS, I don’t need or want to get involved with her shit. I realised early on that to get too attached to DSD would be bad for me when her own father cannot always know when he will see his child.
If I never saw her again I’d only be sad for DS and DH, on a personal level I’m indifferent.

I’m not a SM but I do have my own children. I don’t like other people’s usually though, so if I were in a situation where I acquired step children and subsequently split from their father, I can safely say I wouldn’t be bothered. Equally, I wouldn’t expect any partner of mine who wasn’t my childrens’ father to maintain any sort of contact with them. In fact I’d find it quite odd.

CarolEffingBaskin I don’t think the occasional “how are you?” text is odd or having them round for tea, but I think that’s as far as it goes.

I don’t think a former stepparent has any sort of obligations towards their former stepchildren. It’s all completely voluntary.
When my ex moved out, I almost immediately made plans to redecorate my house, and that included altering the bedroom arrangements to reflect the fact that 2 people no longer live here anymore (my ex and former dsc). This meant dsc’s bed and belongings had to go at some point. I know that sounds cold, but the extra space after being 2 people down really has made a huge difference. I think it would have been really weird to keep that space as “theirs”. It would have ended up being some sort of shrine. It would have been really dumb as well seeing as we need all the space we can get.

The extra space has benefitted my children so much and I don’t feel guilty about it.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

For me it's not a fake display of affection, there's a whole scale of emotions between love and hate/indifference.

I've probably spent more time with work colleagues than my own family at points and have really liked and enjoyed the company of some of them. But then things fizzle out more often than not after they or I move jobs. Doesn't mean our relationship at the time was false, just more associated with a specific place and time in my life.

As I mentioned upthread I can't think of any other kind of relationship where someone would be expected to love and miss someone else where that sentiment is neither expected nor reciprocated from the other party. Hell there are plenty of biological parents who fall short when it comes to their children let alone expecting a gold standard from step parents and anything less is a failure or fake.

Just brilliant. So true.

I find the post on here (@Justbeinghonestreally) about staying in your relationship even though it’s not 100% happy deeply condescending and myopic.

Has it crossed your mind that perhaps some people find themselves single through circumstances out of their control? Affairs? OM? OW? Breakdowns? Abusive relationships.

Great that you have your choice. Many don’t.
And then we find ourselves in the situation of navigating the absolute shit show that is step parenting.

I detached (like many on here) for my own sanity and the sake of my partners children. They had deep loyalty binds. And my partner was utterly useless at handling it (telling me I should have done more/ done better).

So trust me. Had I known this was how it was going to turn out, I would never have gotten involved. And if this ends, I won’t ever get involved with another man with young children. It’s not worth it. I’d rather stay single.

@sassbott

I find the post on here (*@Justbeinghonestreally*) about staying in your relationship even though it’s not 100% happy deeply condescending and myopic.

Has it crossed your mind that perhaps some people find themselves single through circumstances out of their control? Affairs? OM? OW? Breakdowns? Abusive relationships.

Great that you have your choice. Many don’t.
And then we find ourselves in the situation of navigating the absolute shit show that is step parenting.

I detached (like many on here) for my own sanity and the sake of my partners children. They had deep loyalty binds. And my partner was utterly useless at handling it (telling me I should have done more/ done better).

So trust me. Had I known this was how it was going to turn out, I would never have gotten involved. And if this ends, I won’t ever get involved with another man with young children. It’s not worth it. I’d rather stay single.

You seem to have missed @Justbeinghonestreally’s point spectacularly.

I went into step parenting with a totally open mind. I used to look after my SS for my DH when he was working weekends and helped during his contact time, I took a bit of a mothering role and concerned myself with his good nutrition when he stayed with us, planned birthday parties etc.

Over the years my role has been minimised by the other parents. The step dad gets a Father’s Day card made at school (i was around several years before him), I don’t get the same. In reports I’m not referred to by name or my status as Step Mum but “Dads Wife” and my DS “Dads new baby” like we add ons of DH and merely objects, similar to a new car. Initially SS’ Mother insisted she wanted to meet me on her terms, I reached out and invited her for coffee etc and she always refused, despite it having been her request. I’ve given up now. But with that, I don’t offer childcare for the Mother or help my DH so he can have more contact time. I agree with PP here that much depends on the parents treatment of you.

I didn’t want to be distant, I’ve ran out of energy. I feel like I’ve gived it all and been taken advantage of.

As PP said, women don’t like to accept the reality but refuse to acknowledge their role and their behaviour towards their children’s step Mothers. We are human too and there’s only so much we can give without anything in return.

If DH and I spilt up I’d be glad to be free of the burden of the arrangement and the expectations of me without anything in return.

I wonder how many mothers would be happy to facilitate contact with their children's step mother of they were to split up from the children's father ...

It’s not condescending at all. I didn’t mention abusive relationships or affairs because surely no one is stupid enough to think that’s what I mean?

I’ve posted myself before on threads about the type of relationship I talked about in my original post and people are so quick to say ‘leave’ and from what I can see there’s not a lot of thought going into what happens after that split when either party meets someone else.

I’m in no way trying to say all stepmothers are evil because I have no experience of it myself and just clicked on this thread because the title interested me.

All I’m trying to say is that your children becoming someone else’s stepchildren is something to think about when splitting. I never ever want my children to be a spare part anywhere. Not everyone will agree with me though and that’s fine.