Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your post is so sad itsovernowthen. I’m glad you’re leaving. You and your children deserve so much better. I hope you can leave soon and wish you happier calmer days ahead

Reading it back it sounds sadder than it is, sorry, just get on with it, and I get on with DSS fine, I treat him how I would any friends/visiting child.

The funny thing is, when I first met DSS 7 years ago, and before we had DC ourselves, I thought being a step-parent meant I was supposed to be a substitute parent. As such, I used to do things like baking with him, taking him to the park, playing games with him, we were very close. DP seemed to be jealous that we had such a close relationship, and over time came between us doing those activities. It also doesn't help that he refuses to introduce me to EXDW, on account of her "being a nightmare". If he died and his phone went with him, I wouldn't even know how to contact her!

Now that we've had our DC, looking after them (DD3 has SEN), working a full-time busy high-level job and running the household where I do the vast majority of wifework (we do have a cleaner and gardener though) means I'm not able to develop that relationship with DSS, and DP seems much happier with how things are now, although is conflicted as he also thinks I should behave as DSS mum at the same time .

I believe that how a step-parent feels about the children largely depends on how the parent fosters and facilitated the relationship between them all. Whenever my DC get a step-mum (and I actually hope they do as DP is pretty useless), all I want is for her to be kind to them, I wouldn't expect her to treat them as her own.

[quote SBTLove]@itsovernowthen
What an awful man, so only one of his children deserve his attention?
I’ve said before that first wives really need to have a think about their behaviour and how it affects more than them.[/quote]

I really don't get it. Even if I suggest getting a takeaway one night, he'll say we have to wait until DSS is with us, as he doesn't want him to miss out.

I've pointed out numerous times that DSS is probably doing fun things with his DM, and from what he tells us he has takeaways regularly at his DMs, but DP continues to stamp on fun in our house this way. I actually think he'll be a better parent to the DCs when we split, as it'll force him to do things with them. It's feel sad for the DC that it's come to this.

For context, DP waiting for DSS is not about money, we have plenty and there's no need for us to ration it. I think it's an NRP guilt thing about not living with DSS, and believing our DC get more time with him because he lives with them. The reality is DP co-exists in the same house as our DC, and comes alive when DSS is staying.

Currently no I'd be ok with not having a relationship with my SC. Known them 7 years. Was much more involved in a parenting role but recently took a massive step back and the result is I feel much more indifferent.

We have them 50/50 but they are so passionate about their phones they'd only miss me if they were hungry.

I suppose it's interesting that stopping the parenting has led to this emotional indifference.

@Milkshake7489 I love my DSM and she loves me. The difference is she was my primary parent. And no one was dripping poison in my ear.

I was DSC parent until recently. But there has been a shift in our household dynamics and I am no longer in that primary parenting role and as a result my feelings have shut off.

@Wallywobbles

This resonates with me:

I suppose it's interesting that stopping the parenting has led to this emotional indifference.

Looking back I can see the disconnection started when I was made to take a step back. In the early days, after DSS and I had formed the initial solid relationship, I used to miss him on non-contact times. I forget what that feeling was like now, but I do remember it took me by surprise at the time, as I had no DC of my own then. Had DSS and I been able to continue nurturing that relationship, I've no doubt that I'd miss him when we split, however given where we are now, it's not to be.

Every step-parenting relationship is different, and I had no idea what it would be like before I got here. It's very easy for those who are not living the reality of blended families to make assumptions about "how it should be".

Had I read the MN step-parenting board before I got together with my DP, I probably wouldn't have chosen this life, and certainly wouldn't recommend it to either of my DC.

@Justbeinghonestreally

This thread has made me think. There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

I agree with this

One of my observations is stepparents saying they make the SDC feel welcome etc, but also staying they prefer non contact days

Does it have to go together though? In my mind, you can make SC feel welcome on contact days but still privately prefer non contact days.

Just to flip this a bit how do you think your partner would be with your children. Would it sadden you if they had no contact with your kids and weren't bothered by this.

In the end, you can't feel for someone when the feeling isn't there. SMs are being honest.

What does annoy me reading this thread though is to see a majority of SMs saying they wouldn't care if they never saw their CSs ever again, hence displaying a lack of bonding yet we get threads after threads from SCs moaning that their SCs don't respect them, take them for granted, don't care to involve them in their lives.

It's really no surprise that kids would detach themselves emotionally when they are involved with someone who couldn't care if they never saw them again. Kids are extremely perspective and will perceive these feelings however much hidden.

@safeordangerous

Just to flip this a bit how do you think your partner would be with your children. Would it sadden you if they had no contact with your kids and weren't bothered by this.

If I've read your comment properly you mean how would I feel in my husband's shoes? If my ex wasn't bothered about seeing my kids again if we split?

That would be up to him. I think it would complicate things further having to facilitate another relationship with a third person when my children were already going between two homes as it was.

If my children were upset about it, I'd be sad for them. But I wouldn't judge my husband. They aren't his children after all.

That has got me thinking though, if I split with DH and he contacted me to say the children were upset, would I keep in touch for their sakes. And you know, yes I would. If it were a case of the children being sad that I'd gone and they wanted to see me, I would do it for their sakes.

But if neither were particularly bothered then I would just move on and wouldn't be bothered myself.

@SandyY2K

One of my observations is stepparents saying they make the SDC feel welcome etc, but also staying they prefer non contact days.

When I speak to adults who were stepchildren, a lot of the time they describe it, as their Stepmum or Stepdad tolerating them...not that they treated them badly, but they didn't feel particularly welcome.

I think in all honesty it's difficult for everyone involved, especially the DC being the only ones who didn't choose the situation.

I don’t think it’s at all odd that SMs would say that. The thing is, making someone else’s children feel welcome and happy is quite exhausting. Especially when you have to avoid all the eggshells that come from 1. Not knowing what’s been happening elsewhere, so you have no idea what new crap you might have to deal with this week, and 2. Guilty divorced dad parenting (with added expectation that you must adore and delight the DSC but you cannot in any way tell them what to do).

No matter how much you like your DSC, it’s much harder work (physically, emotionally, mentally) on contact days than non-contact days. And much more so than when it’s just your DC there (or, no DC for some SMs).

It also doesn’t follow that the DSC won’t feel particularly welcome. Indeed, many of the things adults who’ve had stepparents describe has being ‘welcome’ are not about anything the SM could have done. It’s often that their perception is shaped by a whole range of things: their mum’s attitude to everything; their own feelings about their parents’ not being together; their father’s behaviour and attitude (both towards them and anyone else in the household). A stepmum could be the most lovely, welcoming person in the world and their DSC might not be able to recognise it because of a heap of loyalty bind issues and/or a father who always allows her to be the scapegoat.

Very often a stepmum has absolutely no control over the role they’ll be placed in (by everyone else) or many other things during contact weekends. The massive expectations everyone (including her) can have about how the DSC need to feel like the centre of life and that this is just as much ‘home’ as mum’s house can create the kind of high responsibility-low control situation that can only be incredibly stressful.

So of course they’d prefer non-contact weekends.

@dontdisturbmenow

In the end, you can't feel for someone when the feeling isn't there. SMs are being honest.

What does annoy me reading this thread though is to see a majority of SMs saying they wouldn't care if they never saw their CSs ever again, hence displaying a lack of bonding yet we get threads after threads from SCs moaning that their SCs don't respect them, take them for granted, don't care to involve them in their lives.

It's really no surprise that kids would detach themselves emotionally when they are involved with someone who couldn't care if they never saw them again. Kids are extremely perspective and will perceive these feelings however much hidden.

I can’t speak for everyone on the thread but I think you’ll find in a majority of cases the behaviour of the children and often their parents leads to the disassociation and not the other way around.

SCs moaning that their SCs don't respect them, take them for granted, don't care to involve them in their lives

Not from me you won't. We get on well, and believe it or not, we do respect each other. I respect that their time with their dad is important and they respect me in my house. We've never had the 'your not my mother' argument because I've never tried to be but I can still ask them to tidy up or whatever and they will still do it.

I actually think my relationship with them is better because I haven't forced an overly parenting type relationship onto them.

You can say and think that they absolutely know my thoughts on this completely hypothetical situation of my DH and I splitting up, but I would have to disagree with you. Being the one who actually lives with them half of the time, I know that no one is detached from each other when we are together.

It didn't feel like the right thing to do in my situation to force myself into a parenting role. It didn't seem like the kids would have wanted it, not DH and his ex. I made that decision based on knowing the people involved so no, I haven't 'bonded' the same as a parent would with a child but I don't agree it's a bad thing. I actually think it's one of the reasons my situation has been so smooth with no fall outs or dramas.

It's fine if you want to believe my SC are poor neglected children who just must know the ins and outs of my private thoughts but I don't agree.

@dontdisturbmenow

In the end, you can't feel for someone when the feeling isn't there. SMs are being honest.

What does annoy me reading this thread though is to see a majority of SMs saying they wouldn't care if they never saw their CSs ever again, hence displaying a lack of bonding yet we get threads after threads from SCs moaning that their SCs don't respect them, take them for granted, don't care to involve them in their lives.

It's really no surprise that kids would detach themselves emotionally when they are involved with someone who couldn't care if they never saw them again. Kids are extremely perspective and will perceive these feelings however much hidden.

It doesn’t follow that the kids feel disengaged because their SM is unfeeling and detached.

Actually what tends to happen is that SMS start off hoping for a lovely attachment to their DSC. But it doesn’t work out that way. The DSC are not willing or able (often the case) to allow that to happen. Loyalty binds, jealousy that dad loves SM, dads enabling and encouraging a good guy (dad)/bad guy (SM) dynamic to emerge (often without realising they’re doing so) and so on can mean that a SM feels no choice but to disengage for everyone’s sake.

Children do have agency in families; they aren’t merely poor, innocent victims.

FlippidyFlop - yeah that's what i meant.
No judgment or anything just genuinely curious. Ive been separated two year now and I think its possible could happen next year. We we both were honest at outset and talked about our uncomfortableness with a blended family. Her side as it happened to her as a child so based on experience for me more because its tricky with ex and a SM I know won't help the situation (which wouldn't stop me). I'm also a little unsure as I dont genuinely dont know if its the right thing for the kids.

WooMaWang you are describing my life as a step-mum with shared DC with DP to a T!

@OhCaptain - certainly rings true for my circumstances.

I was expected to revolve my life around taking care of SC so DH and his ex could work their respective shift patterns. This didn’t change when I had my DD. What started out as good intentions on my part to keep peace for DH and his ex and to put the needs of his children first ended up with me being treated like the biggest mug walking the planet.
Lots of bad behaviour and rudeness from SC coupled with a Disney Dad who wouldn’t ever back me up despite how low it made me feel. I was expected to put up and shut up.

Is it any wonder I’ve disengaged and wouldnt maintain contact if DH and I split? But then I’m sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me that I’m still being unreasonable.

And I certainly agree with PPs who say it really isn't always down to the way a SM acts that determines whether or not a child will be disengaged from her.

It varies so much as evidenced from these boards. Exes and their behaviour or words can have an affect on how the children act before they've even met their dads new partner, Disney parenting from the NRP can create lack of respect etc... The list really does go on.

I don't think there is a one size fits all when it comes to SP and it's unhelpful to suggest otherwise. You have to read the individual situation and act accordingly. For example, as I've said, in my situation it didn't feel right to push a parenting type relationship and I'm glad I didn't.

@Justbeinghonestreally

This thread has made me think. There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

This is a point very well made. Seems to get lost on these boards quite a bit which has led me to the conclusion that a lot of the posts on here aren't really suitable for real life situations.

@StarUtopia

My exh has the dog mostly because my dp isn't keen on them but I'll have him for holidays (or my parents will) they are more upset not seeing the dog than me! I like dp's dd, but I haven't been in her life long and she's an adult so she gets to decide not me

Yes. I’d be heartbroken. I’ve never had any issues with my stepchildren. There were issues between DH and his ex-w (acrimonious divorce) but not between me and the children.

My DH had a 50/50 custody arrangement since the separation when the children were under 7. They are now adults. DH and I had a few bumps in the road along the way (as you do) and one of the things stopping me walking away in the moment was the thought of not seeing the children again.

The children’s mum has remarried and they have an excellent relationship with their stepfather too. Both families have had further children. Step/blended families can work, they aren’t the ideal and come with their problems for sure but they don’t have to be a disaster full of resentment and pain.

I think SMs have (in general) a harder role than SFs but it's ultimately down to who is the "primary carer" in the other household.

Take for example my DD isn't really close to her DSF but she has a very strong relationship with her own father.

My DSC have a very strong relationship with their DSF but they spend most time with him and has become very hands on (like their mother), so I see it as a natural way to behave.

There were two women in my father’s life who I had a SD relationship with when I was growing up. One of them, I still exchange friendly emails with - I like her, she likes me. I think we both enjoy the occasional catch up but it’s not a close relationship (we live on different sides of the country). However, I consider myself more or less completely integrated in my SD’s family’s life. I expect if he died, we’d all stay in touch. But he’s been in my life for 30 years, and there was more - um - turnover in my father’s life. So maybe it is about longevity of the relationship? And affection obvs!

I wouldn’t, I was majorly detached when my SS was younger, due to pathetic Disney parenting on the part of my DP. When my DC were born I involved SS a lot, to ensure he didn’t feel left out and to develop a bond with his siblings, but now that DC are older and stepson is an adult they maintain contact between themselves, facilitated by DP on the odd occasion everyone is in town (SS now lives 100km away). Our paths rarely cross these days, I bear him no ill will and when he does pop in I’m welcoming and pleasant, but there is no reason for us to stay in touch really.

Similarly with my SM, if my Dad wasn’t around anymore I probably wouldn’t stay in touch. She’s a perfectly lovely woman but we have nothing in common. Maintaining a relationship would seem forced. I’m sure she feels the same way. No hard feelings whatsoever.

@Milkshake7489

I agree with FuckedyFuck, this is incredibly sad to read as someone who had a step parent.

There is a million miles between loving a child as much as your own and not caring if you ever see them again!

Honestly, I judge your partners for being with you if you are this disinterested in your step children.

Luckily for me, my parents only entertained relationships that saw us as a package deal.

Children shouldn't have to share their home (which their parents house should be, even if they only visit EOW) with someone who is polite but doesn't see them as family... they didn't ask for their parents to break up.

But thanks all, you've reminded me of how lucky I am. I'm going to go ring my mum to thank her for staying single rather than move in a man who only tolerated us.

Then I'm going to call my stepmum to thank her for making sure we felt secure and loved as children (something she still does now).

Blah blah blah