Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

@FlippidyFlop there was a bunfight of a thread on this at the start of the year. OP wanted to send her only child to private school and was told she’d have to pay for her DSD too to make it equal, never mind what the child’s mother wanted, or the fact that she had two older half siblings at her mothers house who also wouldn’t be going to private school, thus creating inequality in the child’s primary residence.
One poster even said that mothers of second families should always fit in with the existing dynamic created by their partner and his ex, and not be allowed to make their own parenting decisions for their own child.
It blew my mind

The suggestion that SM’s should financially prop up their SC is branded about frequently. Whereas I have never seen the opposite be suggested - that an affluent Mother prop up her exH and his family so that the children don’t have to visit a rabbit hutch at weekends and to reduce any disparity between households. It’s seemingly only important one way.

One poster even said that mothers of second families should always fit in with the existing dynamic created by their partner and his ex, and not be allowed to make their own parenting decisions for their own child.
It blew my mind

People are so shortsighted. The dynamic didn’t work, hence they spilt up.

This thread has been really interesting. I have always felt it is generally quite mad to expect step parents to love their step children as much as they would love their own. But on here it seems to be necessary to say this. Not so much in real life though.

As long as a step parent is kind, fair and welcoming I think that is enough really.

I am not a step mother but am a step daughter and still in contact with my step father even though he divorced my mother a very long time ago.

I think at the base of all of this nonsense is jealousy. It has to be. Or just - bitterness that an ex has moved on.

Some expectations are so nonsensical there can’t be any reason other than irrational bitterness behind them. I truly believe that.

@FlippidyFlop

I'm just trying to understand what some posters expectations would be in certain situations.

Say if I came to the relationship with two DC of my own (not joint with DH) and he also had two DC of his own from a previous relationship... If my children (not joint with DH), went to private school because that's what I could afford, would I also be expected to pay for DHs children to go too if he
and his ex couldn't afford the same? Despite none of the children sharing the same parents? And if not, should my children then be expected to stop going because their step siblings parents can't afford the same for them?

This is an interesting one, in fact there was a thread about it a while ago where the DM was in a position to fund her only DC going to private school, and the DF was not, and he had an older child who would not be going to private school. I'll have a look to see if I can link the the thread here.

There were a lot of comments saying that the DM should deprive her DC of going to the private school, on account of her DH not being able to afford the same for his DC...this seems bonkers to me, as the relationship may not last, then where does that leave her DC???

I am in a similar position, in that I will be able to fund my DC going to private schools, as I earn more than double what my DP does. I won't be paying for my DSS to do so, as that's the responsibility of his parents. DP is fine with that stance, but the reality is that our DC are in nursery, so the issue hasn't been tested with DP's EXDW. I'm planning to do secondary only, by which point I'll be free of DP in any case, as the relationship is ending shortly.

I agree Captain. I think some Exes are so intent on finding fault, they’ll do so at any cost.

poster even said that mothers of second families should always fit in with the existing dynamic created by their partner and his ex, and not be allowed to make their own parenting decisions for their own child

You just have to laugh when things start getting this ludicrous.

[quote Giespeace]@FlippidyFlop there was a bunfight of a thread on this at the start of the year. OP wanted to send her only child to private school and was told she’d have to pay for her DSD too to make it equal, never mind what the child’s mother wanted, or the fact that she had two older half siblings at her mothers house who also wouldn’t be going to private school, thus creating inequality in the child’s primary residence.
One poster even said that mothers of second families should always fit in with the existing dynamic created by their partner and his ex, and not be allowed to make their own parenting decisions for their own child.
It blew my mind [/quote]

Same thread I read, can't find it now though.

The idea that a DSM should fund the private schooling of a DC who already has two involved parents, was bizarre. That's a donation of the best part of £200k to a child you didn't give birth to, or adopt!

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I think on paper there should be no expectation that you help fund private education for anyone other than your own DC. In reality I think such situations should be assessed on a case by case basis to account for the kids ages, access arrangements, the wider family dynamics and so forth. If I could see it was going to cause major issues and division within a blended family dynamic then I'd be keeping my own house and not moving in until that was resolved.

I think you're right in the sense that it would probably be easier all round to just keep everything separate if it was going to cause major issues.

It does make me wonder though why these major divisive issues even happen. Because I can tell you, it wouldn't be my SC who were arsed about not going to private school, just in the same way it wouldn't be my child who was particularly bothered about it. It's parents who want their children to do X Y or Z in terms of their education based on what they feel is best for them in the long run.

Therefore, it's only likely to be divisive if the parents (so your partner and their ex) take umbrage at the fact your children go to PS and theirs dont. Surely all adults are capable of understanding that life isn't always equal when it comes to these things.

As it happens, I couldn't afford to send any children to private school myself but I don't get angry that others can. It's just the way life is!

@FlippidyFlop
That other thread you linked is maddening.
I have 4DC and they’ve all at some pint and a day out with me on their own. Everyone does that, not every treat has to be a whole family affair.
MN wants SM to shut, not parent but spend her time and ££ on the SC and treat them
evenly, it’s beyond ludicrious.

Being treated equally only works if the DSC get more out of it than anyone else.

SM’s child needs a new coat so she buys one for her child. DSC’s mum has already bought one but the SM still should have bought the DSC something or its unfair.

I'm curious about the idea that SMs should love a stepchild like their own. I wonder if different posters have different interpretations of what this means, which is leading to misunderstandings on this board.

For instance:

1. Unconditional love - I feel no difference between my biological children and SCs.
2. Love - I love my stepchildren but in a different way to the way I love my own
3. Fondness - I care deeply for my SCs (and all of 4 and 5, below)
4. Care - I help look after and look out for my SCs with great care. I care about what happens to them and how they feel.(and 5, below)
5. Caretaker - I help with everything they need and keep them out of harms way.

I am sure there are many more but look at these five levels before anything comes close to feeling indifferent or dismissive.

If I have friends' children for a playdate then I feel one or a mix of 3, 4 and 5. As a mother, I would be happy with that sense of 'love' from a step mother to my children. I would not expect them love them like their own unless they'd adopted them from a young age.

The major divisive issues happen because some parents have an inflated sense of self that they then project onto their children.

The way my partner And his exwife behave, you would think that no other child was so precious. I have lost count of the amount of times I have (verbatim) had to say to my partner ‘your children or no more special than the millions of other children whom have walked this earth. They are special to you, fine. But that ‘specialness’ doesn’t extend to others.’

I had to explain to him that my children are also children of divorce. And that actually I see my children a lot less post separation (40-50% less actually). And I don’t treat them any more special than before the separation. Nor do I expect anyone else to. They do chores. They pull their weight. They get disciplined. We work as a team.

I could very easily ensure the one day I get with them is ‘fun.’ And all about them. But what does that teach them? Nothing. Of course we have trips/ treats/ nice meals out. But they are the exception, not the rule. My world doesn’t come to a juddering halt when I have my 121 time with them. That’s an active choice I have made as a parent so that I raise grounded children.

My repeated arguments with my DP are around his expectation that my behaviour should change when I see his children. Suddenly my world should come grinding to a halt to want to do things and spend time with them. My response? Why? I don’t do it for my own children.

The children don’t care. He does. Because fulfilling his children’s needs is central to who he is. He lacks healthy emotional separation between his needs and what he perceives as his children’s needs. I think this happens more often than we realise.

Then follows the divisiveness on the larger topics.
There are a lot of parents out there projecting their needs (control) through their perceived lack of ‘equality’ re their children.

I do agree though, if there is going to be major divisiveness- then stay in separate homes. I am beyond thankful that I don’t have to live with this STepparent BS on a daily basis.

Some parents need a healthy dose of humility. And counselling.

@aSofaNearYou

I simply cannot understand why anyone would have an expectation that children should be loved just by virtue of someone being in a relationship with that DC's parent. Are children not their own people with their own personalities that we may or may not bond with? What if a partner's parent moves in, should we be seen as dysfunctional if we don't love them like our own parents? After all they created the DP we love so much.

So well said. I always find it bizarre when people use the argument that it's shocking I don't automatically love my step son because he is "an extension of my partner". They are not the same person by virtue of being related, one of them I love and the other is someone I don't naturally gel with. In much the same way that I love my DP but don't feel the same way about his dad 🤷‍♀️

@aSofaNearYou

DSDs would be horrified to be thought of extensions of my DP.

They are separate human beings with their own ideas, wants and personalities.

In fact, the 13 year old believes that she should have full agency to make all of her own decisions

@MeridianB

I'm curious about the idea that SMs should love a stepchild like their own. I wonder if different posters have different interpretations of what this means, which is leading to misunderstandings on this board.

For instance:

1. Unconditional love - I feel no difference between my biological children and SCs.
2. Love - I love my stepchildren but in a different way to the way I love my own
3. Fondness - I care deeply for my SCs (and all of 4 and 5, below)
4. Care - I help look after and look out for my SCs with great care. I care about what happens to them and how they feel.(and 5, below)
5. Caretaker - I help with everything they need and keep them out of harms way.

I am sure there are many more but look at these five levels before anything comes close to feeling indifferent or dismissive.

If I have friends' children for a playdate then I feel one or a mix of 3, 4 and 5. As a mother, I would be happy with that sense of 'love' from a step mother to my children. I would not expect them love them like their own unless they'd adopted them from a young age.

Very true. I think 1. Is a very high expectation to have of someone who isn't that child's parent (and I imagine most, not all but most, step parents don't feel that way), even 2. I think a lot of SPs won't feel.

I think 3, 4 and 5 are the most likely and reasonable outcomes for a SPing relationship personally.

I actually just think there are a lot of controlling people in these situations. The children/ step children? Just gives them a mecanism to exert control over others.

I think it’s appalling behaviour. Raise your children, meet their needs. Each parent should do as they wish. But do not then have this ridiculous expectation that others (partners / family/ friends) should then also step up because their situation is so ‘special.’

I find my DP’s (and his exw’a) behaviour exceptionally controlling around their children. Bluntly, their dysfunction is being played out through their children. It’s not about the kids. Not really. It’s about their own need for control.

The children don’t care. He does. Because fulfilling his children’s needs is central to who he is. He lacks healthy emotional separation between his needs and what he perceives as his children’s needs. I think this happens more often than we realise

This is very very true I think. I've seen it on threads here where SMs are made to feel guilty by there partners for not just sitting in the same room as their children all day whilst they game because they should want to SPEND TIME WITH THEM, despite the fact that the children likely do not give a toss.

It's a pressure that comes solely from the parent in some cases I think, that you have to prove just how much you care for their children, you have to think of them in exactly the same way as they do otherwise it's an insult toward them (not the children, but the parent). It's like a desperation almost to make sure you feel exactly the same as they do about their children. You can't possibly say that no you'd actually rather go and spend the Saturday with your mum (like another thread on here) otherwise you're terrible! How could you not want to spend every waking minute with my children!!! And so on...

That level of pressure can cause resentment on its own and 9/10 on here it seems to come from the parent rather than the children.

Some people just need to accept that it isn't reasonable to expect another person who isn't your childs parent to feel exactly the same way about them as you do. Sometimes that person will want to do something else when your children are there, sometimes no they don't want to spend all weekend doing child orientated things or 'spendinf time together', no they likely won't miss them like you do or be brimming with excitement come contact day etc... It's not an insult, it's reality and not accepting that just builds pressure until you end up with a pissed off SP feeling like they aren't allowed autonomy over their own feelings anymore.

@FlippidyFlop re "Therefore, it's only likely to be divisive if the parents (so your partner and their ex) take umbrage at the fact your children go to PS and theirs dont. Surely all adults are capable of understanding that life isn't always equal when it comes to these things."

This is what I'm referring to about assessing the situation - say I had a 6yo who I knew I wanted to send to prep school and beyond, and I got into a relationship with a man who also had a 6 yo DC and a difficult ex who'd send their child to private school if they could. I certainly wouldn't feel obliged to help out financially but I don't think I'd feel comfortable moving in knowing that rightly or wrongly it'd cause my DSC issues because the adults couldn't adult.

If however my child was already at private school then I'd have no qualms about moving in and not contributing towards DSC getting that same opportunity. If however I had a great relationship with all parties and could afford it then I might feel inclined to top up finances a little to give DSC that opportunity.

What's so frustrating is all the blanket rules applied to step parents from those with zero experience, and we're evil if we'd rather not be judged without any consideration of what works for our individual family dynamics. No wonder we can't win.

Have been following this with interest as I'm definitely in the camp where I wouldn't be bothered about seeing my stepkids if I wasn't with my husband any more. I don't particularly like other people's kids at the best of times and just because my husband is their dad this doesn't really change that. HOWEVER, I am of course kind to them, do stuff for them, etc etc.

But this came up in discussion between us recently as he said that if he died he would want me to keep in touch with them as he doesn't trust his ex wife to keep his memory alive. This is a tricky one obviously, and I would have to fulfil his wishes so I would keep in touch but I wouldn't have them living/staying with me.

On the private school/inequality question, my daughter is in private school and has been since well before I met my husband. His kids are in state school. By MN standards I should have pulled her out of school when we got together so as not to create inequality. (All of the kids are happy where they are and the stepkids don't care where their step-sister goes to school!)

@nibdedibble

I know a family where two sets of children grew up really differently: one set public school, gorgeous house the mother provided and their stepfather lived in; other set partial poverty and a nice but negligent absent dad who made some effort but was crap. All late 40s now and it’s still playing out. I realise that’s an extreme.

But...a bit of material equality goes a long way.

Replying to my own post here...

No way did I suggest the mother ought to have paid for her step kids’ private education.

What I think is that their father should have assessed the situation and made a decision that was respectful of his children. As it was he moved countries, therefore barely saw his kids, (Though he paid maintenance and more) and he got on with his relationship with the mother - now free bc her kids were at boarding school.

I don’t think at any point it occurred to him that it might benefit his children if he didn’t do exactly what he wanted.

I see more of my exes child than he does. He moved 260 miles away so DSD comes to stay with us and see her younger brother, my DS.

I don’t think at any point it occurred to him that it might benefit his children if he didn’t do exactly what he wanted

I agree with you there. If I had lived in another country or 100s of miles away, I doubt very much DH would have gotten involved with me as it would have been detrimental to his children and I imagine my own parents would have been the same.

But this came up in discussion between us recently as he said that if he died he would want me to keep in touch with them as he doesn't trust his ex wife to keep his memory alive. This is a tricky one obviously, and I would have to fulfil his wishes so I would keep in touch but I wouldn't have them living/staying with me.

Wtaf

I think your DH is being naive (and unfair to you) if he thinks sporadic contact with DSC whose mother would rather forget his existence is going to firefight that negativity for anything more than a millisecond.