Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

And I will add, I really do not see the problem with not loving your SC the same as your own. I think it's a pretty ridiculous and often impossible expectation to place on someone to be honest and I wish people would stop pretending like it's normal. It isn't. I appreciate some do, but I highly doubt the majority.

And if you want to see how utterly ridiculous some (thankfully most were reasonable) people can be about 'fairness', take a look at this thread.

A mother can't even take her own daughter out for the day with her own money when her step children aren't even there.

Thinking like this is not normal and of course it breeds resentment when you feel like you can't even do one simple thing for your child without being questioned or people getting the pitchforks out.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3821090-Giving-money-to-DC-but-not-Step-DC

When NRP have EOW contact, it cannot be contact that operates the same way as resident children (I.e it cannot and should not be ‘equal’ and this is a huge thing for the NRP).

The NR children need ample 121 time with their NRP to bond and connect. Preferably without the family they haven’t chosen (a partner/ partners children/ subsequent joint child being thrust into the little time they have with their parent).

That can then lead to very peculiar dynamics in the family home. As the resident children tend to be parented differently because (well) that family time doesn’t become so heightened/ precious.

The problem them becomes if I do try to treat my children and my partners children ‘equally’. I robustly parent my children, they do chores, are disciplined and they have a very grounded/ normal life where the world does not revolve around them. I can do that because a) I am their parent and b) I see them loads and c) because I refuse to raise spoiled children.

I cannot do any of the above with my partners children because a) I am not the parent b) the most important parent in their life is not allowing / supporting/ respecting that role c) my partner (rightfully) treats his EOW time as precious. So his time stops and his whole weekend orientates around his children.

Whether he is right or wrong to have that dynamic with his children is his business, not mine. But that’s what breaks the ‘everyone be treated equally rule.’ And that’s why this is so complex.

I will not change the rules of my home, I will not parent differently. And I won’t be told to behave differently with his children (by him). Many children come through my home (my children’s friends) and they all get the same consistent, warm, welcoming person. But with boundaries. And my world doesn’t once stop because other children are suddenly in my home. However if Even attempted to parent my way with his children, WW3 would break out.

My way works. I’m raising respectful, empathetic, hardworking and funny children. Who respect rules of a family home and think about other people’s needs. That’s what my ‘equal’ looks like.

My equal cannot be imposed on children that are not mine. And nor can my partners ‘equal’ be imposed on my children as he is borderline Disney dad territory.

So why should I then treat all the children ‘equally’ in other ways? Financially? Not a chance.

I’ve been the step-child five times over - my parents are useless and fickle. This is over 37 years.

None of these ‘not too bothered’ responses surprise me!

This is the reality of step-families: the parent finds another partner and the children become secondary. ‘It’s my time now’ my dad told me, and that’s a parent talking, so of course any step-parent feels a variant of that.

I’ve never even met several of my so-called step-siblings. There’s not even a pretence at family.

FWIW I don’t blame anyone for how they feel about someone else’s kids, it’s understandable. I wouldn’t want stepchildren.

Hmm, I wouldn't say the children come secondary. They actually come first in most aspects of our lives and my husband is a good, involved father.

Unless you mean the relationship with them is secondary to me to my relationship with my husband which then yes I'd agree because I chose to be with him, his children are part of that because they are his children of course, but I didn't choose a relationship with them so to speak.

@FlippidyFlop god that other thread just made my blood boil as much as it did the first time, there are some seriously deluded people on this site!

I guess I mean that to their mind, the child has been replaced to some degree, as the fascinating person is now the new partner, and understandably so. The degree will vary according to how aware the parent is.

Again. Projection. The children are not secondary. Not one bit, in most posts their needs come first. Why are people not reading the full thread before posting?

There is a very real distinction between an assumption that a step parent should treat all children equally vs whether SC are secondary. They are NOT the one and the same and again this is another example of a vast simplification in an attempt to club SP’s over the head.

My DP’s DC are not secondary, to the person who matters most. Their father. Should their needs also be my priority? As I’ve explained upthread, no. It’s not my place to do so. It’s my place to give their needs space and. By doing so, most healthy step parents detach, step back and respect the parent/ child needs. Is it then any surprise that so many on here are saying, no I wouldn’t miss them?

How is this simple fact not getting through to people?

sassbott has summarised really well why it’s almost impossible to be “equal” with an EOW arrangement. When my SS comes to stay, the weekends revolve around him. He’s asked what he wants to do, what he wants to eat and is pandered too basically for 48 hours.

My house doesn’t run like that and my child isn’t treated like that. My child eats what I cook and our lives aren’t based on the his choices of activities. He isn’t allowed endless sweets and crisps or screentime, which SS is. I have to adjust my expectations of my own child. But those of SS are too deep routed from my DH parenting through guilt to suddenly change to suit our home. That’s the reality for many households. Step children don’t want to arrive and follow the resident parents routine or do chores. So no, they can’t be treated as equal.

Thinking about it, is it reasonable to expect a non resident child to arrive in a house EOW and be treated “equally” when that differs so vastly to the treatment their used to?

My SS has zero boundaries. He wouldn’t cope being treated like my own DC.

@aSofaNearYou
You’re brave - I could not bear to look again! Who could forget OP being told that if she didn’t take them on her girly day out with her DD, her step sons would likely commit suicide like poor Niall years after he didn’t get a new bike

One thing this thread has opened my eyes to though is that I was definitely naive in thinking all children in a family would/should be treated equally and that step parents would love step children as their own.

I’m surprised anyone with any emotional intelligence would think that in the first place, to be honest.

Bio parents don’t even love all their children the same sometimes.

Assuming that every single step parent ever would love their stepchildren like their bio children?

FWIW, my DH loves all of his children the same.

I love all of mine the same.

We have some of the same children. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is the thing with the 'equal treatment all the time' thing.

I think what some people mean by it is equal treatment when it's beneficial but not otherwise. As per Sassbotts post, I imagine some people would have a problem with their children being treated equally in terms of discipline, chores, etc etc...

I simply cannot understand why anyone would have an expectation that children should be loved just by virtue of someone being in a relationship with that DC's parent. Are children not their own people with their own personalities that we may or may not bond with? What if a partner's parent moves in, should we be seen as dysfunctional if we don't love them like our own parents? After all they created the DP we love so much. All you get are straw man arguments saying that if you don't love DSCs like they were your own you must therefore be treating them with indifference and resentment with no shades of grey in between. It's not good enough that we help with or facilitate a shit ton of stuff for our DSC like shopping, cooking, laundry, school runs, baking, just giving them our time and attention hours and hours spent watching fucking Minecraft videos and Annoying Orange ... no we somehow have to make ourselves love and miss them too or we're cold hard monsters, even if none of the other parties in the equation actually want that from us.

There are many anecdotes of people saying they felt pushed aside when their dad or mum's new partner came along and yet the spotlight is still placed firmly on the step parent as being mainly or equally responsible instead of the actual parent for facilitating that dynamic and choosing a partner who's clearly lacking as a person despite them being a step parent, not because of. It's frustrating when the shit life choices of these posters' parents are then projected onto their view of a whole group of men and women who are, in the main, only trying to do their best.

I know a family where two sets of children grew up really differently: one set public school, gorgeous house the mother provided and their stepfather lived in; other set partial poverty and a nice but negligent absent dad who made some effort but was crap. All late 40s now and it’s still playing out. I realise that’s an extreme.

But...a bit of material equality goes a long way.

@nibdedibble

I know a family where two sets of children grew up really differently: one set public school, gorgeous house the mother provided and their stepfather lived in; other set partial poverty and a nice but negligent absent dad who made some effort but was crap. All late 40s now and it’s still playing out. I realise that’s an extreme.

But...a bit of material equality goes a long way.

Well then it would be up to their own parents to provide better or to teach them to be happy with their lot in life.

It wasn’t up to a woman who happened to be in a relationship with their father to bankroll them.

@nibdedibble

I know a family where two sets of children grew up really differently: one set public school, gorgeous house the mother provided and their stepfather lived in; other set partial poverty and a nice but negligent absent dad who made some effort but was crap. All late 40s now and it’s still playing out. I realise that’s an extreme.

But...a bit of material equality goes a long way.

Yes that's an extreme example and one that is not common I imagine.

Material equality to us would be all children getting the same treats when they are with us, days out (when with us) presents on birthdays, included on holidays etc... I can't imagine we'd send one child to private school and not the other, for example.

That's very different to say, me receiving inheritance from my grandparents and having to split it between my child and my SC, for example. I do not believe that is fair. I want my assets (hypothetical) to be left to my child as I imagine most parents do. My husband and his ex can leave theirs to their children.

It's all about balance and just using common sense. Some things should be equal, mainly day to day stuff. Others should not imo.

@Justbeinghonestreally

This thread has made me think. There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

This is 100% what I think about with marital breakdown.

Of course if the relationship is truly awful you should leave but if it's just a bit meh or you didn't chose the partner very well, as long as they're an involved loving parent - it's going to be better for the kids to be brought up in a home with both parents.

Material equality to us would be all children getting the same treats when they are with us, days out (when with us) presents on birthdays, included on holidays etc... I can't imagine we'd send one child to private school and not the other, for example

And I'm talking as though the DH and SM have a joint child here. I don't believe it's up to SMs if they have their own children from a past relationship to ensure that their SC get the same. Joint children and SC would be treated equally in terms of the examples I gave because they share a parent, so in my example, DH would be treating all of his children equally.

You’re brave - I could not bear to look again! Who could forget OP being told that if she didn’t take them on her girly day out with her DD, her step sons would likely commit suicide like poor Niall years after he didn’t get a new bike

🤣 I can't believe all these months have passed without me sparing a thought for poor Niall and his bike. It must be my wickedness.

I'm just trying to understand what some posters expectations would be in certain situations.

Say if I came to the relationship with two DC of my own (not joint with DH) and he also had two DC of his own from a previous relationship... If my children (not joint with DH), went to private school because that's what I could afford, would I also be expected to pay for DHs children to go too if he
and his ex couldn't afford the same? Despite none of the children sharing the same parents? And if not, should my children then be expected to stop going because their step siblings parents can't afford the same for them?

It's slightly off topic of course but it's interesting how far the 'fair and equal at all times' argument should extend.

I think on paper there should be no expectation that you help fund private education for anyone other than your own DC. In reality I think such situations should be assessed on a case by case basis to account for the kids ages, access arrangements, the wider family dynamics and so forth. If I could see it was going to cause major issues and division within a blended family dynamic then I'd be keeping my own house and not moving in until that was resolved.

I simply cannot understand why anyone would have an expectation that children should be loved just by virtue of someone being in a relationship with that DC's parent. Are children not their own people with their own personalities that we may or may not bond with? What if a partner's parent moves in, should we be seen as dysfunctional if we don't love them like our own parents? After all they created the DP we love so much.

So well said. I always find it bizarre when people use the argument that it's shocking I don't automatically love my step son because he is "an extension of my partner". They are not the same person by virtue of being related, one of them I love and the other is someone I don't naturally gel with. In much the same way that I love my DP but don't feel the same way about his dad 🤷‍♀️