Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

Oooo. Alternative. Bitter? Much?

No I don’t agree. A lot of women (myself included) have NO idea that a portion of women could (and would) act the way they do. I’m a mother and I wouldn’t dream of manipulating my children against another woman. Why? Because I’m damaging my own children when I do so.
So women like me happily get into our relationships and assume that (whilst it won’t be perfect), we will muddle through. We have no idea that heinous women who will poison their children exist.

So maybe we move in, get pregnant etc etc. By the time these behaviours really dig in (and a new baby inflames these situations massively), the women are stuck. Stuck. With a complete shit show on their hands. And if they’d known this was what they were getting into, they never would have done. But now? It’s too late.

I’m fortunate beyond words. That I didn’t ‘blend’ and the behaviours started and I pulled back.
I’m torn. I’ve invested 5 years of my life with this man. His exwife is a horrific human being and I have no choice (for my sanity) but to detach from his children. Even though (now) they want to see me/ spend time with me.

What is it you propose we all do? End our relationships? Because out there are bitter ex wives intent on making their exh’s lives a living hell?

AlternativePersepective

But if they decided to stay away because they disliked you and felt sidelined you would play the victim.

The above is not true for me. If my DSS acted this way, I'd expect my DP to seek him out to maintain a relationship. I certainly wouldn't be chasing DSS to beg him to like me, he didn't choose me, his father did. DSS already has a DM and DF who parent him in the way they choose to, which isn't the way I would. And I've come to accept that over time, because ultimately he isn't my child.

Reading the last few posts I do wonder about my DSD. Of late, her separation anxiety at bed time is crippling for her (and horrendous for the whole household if I’m honest) and involves tears, tantrums, flailing about, whimpering, thrashing, begging to go home because mum must be lonely, phoning her mum all through the night... she’s 9.

It’s only gotten bad in the last year or so, and during the day she’s generally happy and content. But her mum tells her “phone me when you get there” when I pick her up - we live barely 15 minutes away. So she will barely acknowledge her brother and dad and rush straight upstairs to phone mum. It’s like her mum has to insert herself in DSDs life with us and yes, it does negatively impact DSDs relationships with her own family.
I now wonder if that’s deliberate.

The only people who are the true victims in these situations? The children. Who just need to be patented well and be given emotional freedom to love their extended tribe.
Not be made into weapons to be deployed in their parents respective homes (and men can also very much do this with their children and their exw’s new partner).

I am a adult step child. My first stepmother resented me and I knew it. She had a good relationship with my brother who lived full time with her and my father.

2nd step mother came into my life age 14 wonderful woman I credit her with restsrtingnmy very severed relationship with my father they parted when I was in my 30s.

3rd "stepmother " Well I had 2 children and was pregnant with my 3rd when she arrived. She died 12 years ago was a wonderful wife to my dad who has never got over her death misses her still. Not really a step relationship.

Stepmother no 1 I tracked down as an adult. We have some letter exchange and are now Facebook friends as am in with her "golden child dd" (not my half sibling) it was something I needed to do for my own sake. Working out who this woman I feel ruined my relationship with my father was. I am aware my mother was a part of this however I do not think sm1 was without fault. After some conversations with her i feel the same about her. Detached and I dont like her much as a person I sometimes think I should just remove her of fb but neither of us are big users so I get off it.

Sm 2 her and my fathers split was after the birth of my first child and it was not a nice split. Complicated by the fact I live in a different country. I have contact with her 2 children (not half siblings) and I get the occasional message through one of them from her. I think if I suggested a meet up if I was in DK this would be welcomed. She has still got regular contact with my brother (not her biological child) who lived with her and continued to for 2 years after she and my father split. I still feel accepted by her and even though our contact is not close I feel she was a positive influence on my life.

Sm no 3 I had no real relationship with. I lived far away they came to visit 3 or 4 times. She was nice to my children made my father happy. Her 2 adult children visit my dad once or twice a year they have dinner and they leave again.

My father has no contact with the 3 step children he had in his life. I suspect for sm2 dd that has been tough as he was her main father figure as her biological dad was not involved. Her brother had a good relationship with his father.

My mother passed 5 years ago she remained with the OM she left my father for for 40 years. My children call him grandad he calls them and my niece his grandchildren i have regular contact with him and will be devastated when he dies. My youngest is named after his dad.

For me 4 different step situations some good some bad. It was a relief when sm no 1 left and I'm good with the contact I have had w her. Sm2 I would like a closer relationship with but she cant do that due to her hurt and I need to accept that. Stepdad positive experience despite him being the OM. (Though 40 tears on this has been completely rewritten in our family )

They all shaped me as a child and young adult I do not pass blame on the sm 1 and 2 for not keeping contact i needed to makenit as an adult to put to rest some feelings I had. I find it interesting even as an adult my instinct is no 1 is not my type of person no 2 very much is.

@Giespeace yes it’s deliberate.
When my children go on holiday with their father and their partner I leave them be and when I talk to them I tell them I’m having a lovely time. That I hope they are. Etc etc. I don’t ever say I miss them. Or that I’m lonely.

Their father does the exact same when they’re on holiday with me.

Emotional permission to enjoy themselves fully.

If I told my children I was lonely. Or cried. Or said I miss them and I hated being in my own? My children (youngest especially) would have anxiety like you describe. Mothers have a great deal of power and it can be abused.

I'd be devastated, particularly my youngest DSC who I have a particularly close relationship with. They're not my children but after 12 years they are my family and I would be heartbroken. Thankfully no reason to think that will happen.

Wouldn't be too bothered about either the dog or the SC. My DH could facilitate contact between the SC and our children so neither would miss out.

I facilitate a lot of our contact time and arrangements so it would actually be a little less life admin!!!

@sassbott. But why would she do that to her own child? Is her ego that fragile that she must have proof that she is number one parent and DSD can’t possibly have any joy that she’s not a part of?
It’s so disappointing. After a few false starts I thought we had cracked it when she text DH to say “Giespiece is amazing, DD really likes her, I’ll make sure to include her in dance shows etc from now on”. Was so proud of us all for showing how this blended lark should be done.
I’m guessing now that the birth of my DS last year has reset the clock, even though I put my house on the market as soon as I found out I was pregnant to make sure DSD would still have her own room, contact stayed the same, maintenance stayed the same even though coincidentally DH was made redundant and took a hefty wage drop at about the same time, a big fuss was made of DSD and she was involved in everything and over the moon to be one of the first to meet her brother, who she adores.
Not sure what else we could have done to show that DSDs place in the family hasn’t changed or diminished, in fact she’s had a “promotion” to big sister and my DS adores her right back.
Anyway, derailed the thread enough but food for thought here. Can’t carry on as we are, it’s so unhealthy for everyone involved.

41 years after I met my step mum we are still wonderful friends. She did split with my dad when I was about 34 but our friendship was well established by then thankfully. She will be in my life forever.

But hey, as long as you get your baby eh?

And this is how the exW‘s feel about the subsequent children, whilst simultaneously demanding their own be placed on a pedastool.

I feel like it's starting to seem like the only reason someone may feel like this as a SM is because of a horrible ex, poisoning the children against the SM. I appreciate this happens (a lot by the sounds of it) and is really detrimental to any possible relationship with the SC but I think it's important to point out this isn't my personal experience and I still feel the way I do.

My SCs mother is not horrible and we get on fine, as others have said, her 'permission' in that sense has meant the children don't feel guilty about getting along with me. Although I will say that I don't think this would be the case if I'd pushed myself into a mothering type role which is why I made sure not to. I know there are still exes who'd be difficult whether or not you stepped back but this is my experience, thankfully.

So I don't blame DHs ex at all for my lack of parental bond with the SC. Only in the sense that it wasn't needed and wouldn't have been appropriate knowing the people involved. I feel this could have potentially caused upset that isn't there now because of the decision I made to keep a 'safe distance' in a way.

@StarUtopia

Wow, I"m quite shocked. How can you have children in your life and then be so throwaway about them?

Would you also not see your dog/cat again if you split up with your husband?

Wow. Just wow.

I don't know why it's so shocking.

It often works the same way around the other way. I don't have stepchildren but I do have a stepfather who has been in my life full time since age 8.

Wouldn't bother me if I never saw him again and ditto to step-sibling.

But hey, as long as you get your baby eh?

When DH and I had our DD, the SC were very much made to feel involved and were the first to meet DD.

Their mother’s response? “Girls, now that your father and Foxtrot have had their baby, be prepared that Daddy will probably forget you as he now has his “proper family”. (She had a chip on her shoulder that she and DH never married).

Who is the one messing with the kid’s heads there?!

But hey, as long as you get your baby eh?

😂😂😂 you have to laugh at the projection on this thread!

Yes I’d really miss my DSS, he’s 17, I’ve been in his life since he was six and I love him like he was my own.
I’d move heaven and earth for him like I would my own DC.

And is why, IMO, blending families is wrong and having more children into a family where you can freely admit you’d never see half of them again if the relationship ended is beyond selfish. But hey, as long as you get your baby eh?

4 babies actually

And I do facilitate a relationship between my children and their older sibling, but that’s only because my ex is useless at doing it. Every so often their sibling comes round for tea. Yeah I’m totally selfish aren’t I?
But I won’t deny it. If my former dsc moved to the other side of the world and I never saw them again, it would not hurt me at all. And my children wouldn’t be too fussed either. Modern technology keeps people in touch anyway so my children would always have that line of communication. And if that dwindled then well, life goes on doesn’t it?

😂😂😂 you have to laugh at the projection on this thread!

That one was extremely bitter. Clearly a lot of issues going on there.

I haven't read the full thread but to answer the initial question, yes I would be bothered. In some ways I think I'd miss them more than DP, certainly equally.

My life and schedule revolves around them, at my choice not because I've been asked or expected to.

My situation is slightly different because DH died, but I would be really hurt if I didn't see DSS again. They were teens when I met DH and lived with us full time (their mum had no contact until DSS2 was 14) so they were an integral part of our family life and when DS was born they were immediately close to him. When anyone asks me if I have children, I include them in the total but say they are my husband's children from his first marriage, I don't claim them as my own as such but I did the parents evenings, uni visits, doctors and so on with them at their request and DSS2's displayed wedding photo in his house is of him and SDIL, her parents, and me and DH.

We are in touch regularly and we talk about our grief and loss because we were the ones who knew DH the best (my PIL died years ago). We go for meals or days out, and spend Christmas Eve as a family at DSS2's house. It is lovely and it would really upset me if they decided that my role in their life was over because their dad had died.

And let’s be honest here, of course it’s not a hypothetical question. if you’ve thought about it and realised you would never be bothered if you never saw the DSC ever again, then that’s how you think now if the DSC disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t bother you.

Why not flip that around to the many step children who wouldn't be bothered about seeing their step parent(s) again even when that step parent has done their best? Ok so the children never chose any of this but there comes a point where expectations have to stop being one way only.

Like parents much of the work that step parents do is invisible and to rub extra salt in the wound a lot of the time the DCs assign credit for that work to the actual parent! So the bar for perceived love/care from a step parent to a child is disproportionately high in many cases because so much of what we do is unseen and overt displays of affection are either unwelcomed, or discouraged as overstepping.

The constant rejection and lack of acknowledgment batters your mental health so if a stepmum's relationship with DSC's dad has broken down to the point where separation occurs then it's naive to think that she'd voluntarily choose not to move on from everyone in that dynamic unless there was already a solid reciprocal relationship with their DSC which, as we've seen, is massively dependent on the parents' attitudes.

It's very clear from posts here and elsewhere that many (not all) step children are only really interested in continued contact from the aspect of seeking validation that their step parent liked them, rather than wanting to keep in touch with that step parent as a person in their own right because they want a relationship with that actual person. Kind of like when you go for a job interview and realise it's the wrong job but want to be told you've got it anyway.

It's one of those situations where it's impossible to know how you'd feel until you've experienced it for yourself. Like how many women take back a cheater when they previously knew without question that infidelity was a deal breaker? It's hugely unfair to judge someone for knowing they'd not proactively want to continue a relationship with their step children - I'd only judge if the DSC wanted to and the step parent refused (abuse aside).

I feel the same as you OP, or at least somewhere in the middle. I do remember that in the first 6 months or so of knowing my SS, we had a very nice relationship. But his mum was far more of a problem then, she (and her whole family) would tell him off for talking about me, and he would often telling us about having to comfort her crying. She did not cope with the split from DP well and was upset about that, but he took away a very strong message her sadness was about missing him when he was staying here and he should feel bad about being away from her. This has influenced his feelings ever since those early days and created no end of issues including him refusing to come, tears at night, endlessly going over and over how upset his mum is about the situation. It definitely hasn't helped.

But despite all that, the main reason I wouldn't be that personally bothered about continuing a relationship with him is actually his own personality. I get on fine with him, I am nice to him etc etc etc. But beneath it all he is very hard work as a person, he is not particularly easy to like (which is reflected by the reaction of his peers). I don't have the automatic desire to see more of him that I would with my own child, so the only thing that would compel me to actively want to spend time with somebody else's kid would be truly clicking with them as a person and enjoying being around them. This is less and less the case the older he gets, which I think is fairly natural given that his primary carer, who is moulding him as a person and informing his core values is somebody I didn't choose to procreate with myself and would not get along with. His nature and behaviour is not naturally endearing to me, so whilst I would of course always facilitate my partner spending time with him, or my daughter doing so if my partner were to die, it doesn't mean I would personally miss contact with him.

Don't miss my SC, sure they don't miss me either, as the bio parents they had were perfectly adequate.

I am sad though, that the time and emotions given to them by me have counted for nothing, but I just hope they're happy, that's all that really matters to be honest.

Glad this thread came up, as I've felt guilty at times, that I haven't missed them, so I am 'normal'

My stepchildren are currently self isolating with their mum and it is lovely. No, I would not see them if DP and I split. I spend quality time with them, have fun with them, cuddle them if they come for it etc. I do not have a bad relationship with them. I treat them same as my kids when they are here. I do not love them though, nor do I think I ever will. You cannot force yourself to love people. Life with step children is so complicated and simply cannot be imagined unless you have lived it. On the other side, my ex has a partner who has been vile to me but seems to treat my children well, I don't think they love her though and I doubt she does them. As far as I see it though both my children have a mum and dad as do my step children, so I think anything else is just a bonus.

The constant rejection and lack of acknowledgement batters your mental health so if a stepmum's relationship with DSC's dad has broken down to the extent where separation occurs then it's naive to think that she'd voluntarily choose not to move on from everyone in that dynamic unless there was already a solid reciprocal relationship with their DSC which, as we've seen, is massively dependent on the parents' attitudes.

Thankyou for putting this so well. I always think the elephant in the room in this threads is that there is a very high likelihood that the reason they split in the first place was because of the dynamic of being a step parent, whether it be due to the ex's behaviour, their partner's, the step child's, or a combination. Of course they're not going to actively want to carry on that dynamic if it is the reason they left. I remember a thread just like that on here - woman's partner left because he was miserable dealing with his step kids. She was then shocked he didn't want to take the older kids with him during his contact time with their joint children. What did she honestly expect?