What does 50/50 look like to you?

[hulahoopqueen]

Genuinely curious. We’re currently working towards 50/50 with DSS (3yo), with the aim of gradually introducing it by the time he’s 5. Our current ideal is pickup from school Monday afternoon, drop back at Mum’s Sunday afternoon (her request) - so not true 50/50 but very close to it. I am worried that it will be too long without seeing either parent, specifically mum, but DP and the in-laws think DSS will adapt fine.
What does 50:50 look like for you/your DSCs?

@Bananasinpyjamas20

I am deeply, deeply sceptical of many 50/50 arrangements. I think it is not the best for the children.

Be very careful OP as this basically puts you in a position of Mum, when it’s not really that easy or appropriate for you to be Mum, as the kids already have one. There is no evidence it is better for the kids either, or better for their relationship with either parent.

My experience was with my step children, with two every weekend for a long weekend so 3 days with us, 4 with mum but all of the time with their Mum at school. Also, one child with us all of the time and spent an hour after school at her Mum’s house.

From my perspective it meant that the children, who are now all grown up, weren’t really parented. It was a very ‘loose’ parenting. Many things got missed, kids forgetting stuff between houses, lots of unnecessary communication too between their parents as a way of continuing their relationship really. It was done as their Dad wanted to feel like a ‘proper Dad’ and their Mum didn’t really mind. Their Dad spent most of his time still at work or socializing so the kids looked after each other or I looked after them. Their Mum started to have a completely independent life from her children and didn’t know what was going on, treated them as friends rather than kids. And in the end all the children chose one house to stay in all the time as they were sick of it!

I’m curious as to what you mean the OP is ‘going to be mum’? Why on earth is he? The child has a mum and a dad and they’re trying to make it fair on the child so it doesn’t put on time with either parent.

50:50 might not have worked from what you’ve seen, but it sounds like they’re mother wasn’t that interested for a start.

If both parents are equally committed and on bored, 50:50 can be the fairest way for the child. If a couple split up, why should the DC go from seeing both parents every day, then suddenly seeing man 5 days and dad 2.....? The child didn’t ask for them to spilt up so 50:50 is often the fairest way.

lose time

We do a 50/50 split and it works well for us. Till the kids were about 15 they swapped over midweek, then we moved to a week in each house in turn and now, year 13, they do longer stints, usually 3 weeks in each then swap.

Both parents live within walking distance of eachother and equally easy to see friends/ get to school etc from each house. The kids are happy and settled in both. DSD dislikes the packing and unpacking, but needs all her stuff, which is mainly why we went to 3 weeks. DSS was possibly going under the radar a bit so 3 weeks works better for him too, feel like we get under the surface better with him now and more on top of school things he has/ hasn't done.

3 weeks is nice for us as adults too - we seem to get more quality family time, without such frequent changeovers, as well as good amounts of time as a couple. Hopefully it will make the transition to them going off to Uni easier too.

We do the 5-5-2-2 which has worked well as it means they are at the same house on the week nights for after school clubs and I know I can always arrange play dates on say a Wednesday. Also means I know which nights I'm free to meet other adults etc.

However dd is starting to say she'd like to spend longer with me.

Agree with others that 2 sets of everything - bikes, swim stuff, clothes, toys is essential so they don't feel that they are packing and unpacking constantly. Literally just the school bag moves with her.

@Bananasinpyjamas20

I am deeply, deeply sceptical of many 50/50 arrangements. I think it is not the best for the children.

Be very careful OP as this basically puts you in a position of Mum, when it’s not really that easy or appropriate for you to be Mum, as the kids already have one. There is no evidence it is better for the kids either, or better for their relationship with either parent.

My experience was with my step children, with two every weekend for a long weekend so 3 days with us, 4 with mum but all of the time with their Mum at school. Also, one child with us all of the time and spent an hour after school at her Mum’s house.

From my perspective it meant that the children, who are now all grown up, weren’t really parented. It was a very ‘loose’ parenting. Many things got missed, kids forgetting stuff between houses, lots of unnecessary communication too between their parents as a way of continuing their relationship really. It was done as their Dad wanted to feel like a ‘proper Dad’ and their Mum didn’t really mind. Their Dad spent most of his time still at work or socializing so the kids looked after each other or I looked after them. Their Mum started to have a completely independent life from her children and didn’t know what was going on, treated them as friends rather than kids. And in the end all the children chose one house to stay in all the time as they were sick of it!

So helpful! Thank you

Monday-monday.

DC 7.

Monday after school - Monday before school.
Switch

7 days in each respective home.
No messing around, always knows where he stands, has been doing this since he was roughly 2.5y. Growing up to be very happy and well rounded child.

I've had issues with it, sometimes, from a mother's POV - and it's not easy always, but from DC POV, they seem very happy with the situation.

Once DC is old enough to make own choices, we will respect that too. Eg. Wanting to live in on house more permanently, choose how to split time, if at all.

And echoing others - Dc has own toys, clothes, room etc at each house. Only thing that moves back and forth is school bag.

With my DSC we do the 223 routine on rotation. Works well at the moment. DP is a very involved parent so I don't feel this makes me mum.

When they are a bit older I think alternating weeks is simpler/ less contact with exes and more settled kids. But while they are young might be too long to be away from either parent if there is a pretty equal parenting relationship.

@Bananasinpyjamas20 Research has shown parenting as close to 50/50 as possible is best for the kids.

It also leaves the maintenance question out which is good also seeing as this seems to be source of dispute and resentment.

I dont agree with 50/50 for small children always works often or not they need security of one main home and can be hard adjusting to one home before moving to the other. It's not necessarily a case of one size fits all some it will work others not. Ds had one other night mid week and one at the week and that worked well. He's now 13 and goes 3 times a week it works better now he's older.

thank you to the newer posters on the thread - appreciating the different viewpoints!
DSS's mum remained uncomfortable with 7-7 50/50, so we are now aiming for:
week 1 - weds pick up from school, with us till fri drop off at school
week 2: thurs pick up from school, with us till mon drop off at school
fingers crossed it comes out ok - it means DSS is not apart from either parent for longer than 4 nights.

we'll see i guess!

We do 50/50 with 1 out of 4 kids. For us it’s alternate days. But it’s flexible so if other stuff is going on he may do 2 days with 1 parent at a time. But we try to do 4/3 nights each alternate weeks with him doing alternate days with each parent. It works for us as DSC prefers to be with us than at their mums so a full week each would be a nightmare for him! Sometimes it works out 4/3 full days mainly in holidays as their mum works whereas DP works from home so they come to us for all the week days then mum will want them for the full weekend: