What does 50/50 look like to you?

[hulahoopqueen]

Genuinely curious. We’re currently working towards 50/50 with DSS (3yo), with the aim of gradually introducing it by the time he’s 5. Our current ideal is pickup from school Monday afternoon, drop back at Mum’s Sunday afternoon (her request) - so not true 50/50 but very close to it. I am worried that it will be too long without seeing either parent, specifically mum, but DP and the in-laws think DSS will adapt fine.
What does 50:50 look like for you/your DSCs?

Just in case OP wasn’t clear, we’re currently lengthening our EOW by one day every 6 months, so by the time he is 5 it will be a full week in one home then a full week in the other (that’s the theory, anyway)

I've seen it work and I've seen it really not work. I think it will be down to how your DSS responds to it as he gets older to be honest.

In our house we do four sleeps one week and 3 the next.
Sunday 5pm until Wednesday school drop off and then back friday at school pick up until sunday am.
The following week they come back monday after school until Wednesday morning and then back sunday tea to start the two week cycle again!
Sounds confusing to read but works so. Well for us and the children

I will add i think children having their own bedroom and belongings and both houses is essential for 50/50.parenting, our children have clothes, bedrooms, toys, consoles at both houses so other than remembering ties for uniforms they dont need anything. And they feel at home in both places

We do 2-2-5-5 which sounds confusing but when shaded on a calendar isn't. Means DSD is with both parents the same two nights a week so she can do her clubs every week now when with us rather than every other then every other weekend swapped. Works great for us and DSD much prefers it. She's 6

That sounds very similar to the rhythm my DSD has had since she was four (except hers is full 50/50) and it works despite there being high conflict between the parents.
The method of slowly increasing dad time to work up to it seems good.

We do a combo of 2/3 days over a fortnight. Even at 10&12 they aren’t ready for full weeks (but that might have something to do with their sibling)

From my dc's friends who have this arrangement (alternate weeks) it works when the parents communicate well and are a parenting team even though they are not a couple - and live very close together so that forgotten items can be fetched! Additionally both homes have to be fully the child's home, obviously. A sibling pair my children are friends with have had this for years - parents both live in the same village - and it works really well. When they were little parents communicated well about play dates, parties etc. and the children didn't miss out.

I've seen it absolutely not work and the young girl end up doing badly at school, being very stressed and eventually moving in with her grandparents and only seing parents for lunches, where the parents hated one another and lived in different towns about 20 miles apart. She really struggled with organisation and forgetting homework, sports kit and possessions when moving between houses and it meant she missed out socially, got into trouble and was generally always unsettled until she moved in with her grandparents aged 13.

We do it this way with my DCs
Mon/Tues - with my ex
Weds/thurs - with me
Fri/sat/sun - alternate

We do the same with DSD except she is with us Mon/Thurs rather than weds/thurs.

It works really well. We have a group WhatsApp with my ex, me and both step-parents for sharing info, we put photos of all school letters on there, send pics of the kids etc. We actively co-parent and all 4 of us are involved in making decisions, sharing the good stuff and the not so good.

It is more difficult with DSDs mum. We do a lot of driving (45min drive each way to her mums house) and it’s not as friendly but we make it work.

Definitely agree about giving consideration to how parties and after school activities are going to work. These things are important to 5 year olds!

DSS is 7. He comes to its on a Wednesday morning in the holidays and after school in term time. He goes back to his mum Saturday before or after tea depending on what we are all doing.
Parties on a Saturday are with us and Sunday with mum. Flexible if it a friend or relative of either parent. There are no hobby clubs to fit in yet but as we have the same days every week it would be easy enough.
Two sets of everything is important so all we need to do is collect/drop off DSS. It's not quite 50/50 but works very well for us. It's also flexible which helps. This week he's coming Tuesday-Saturday as his mum isn't very well.

One midweek and all weekend at one home and the rest of the time at the others. I don't recommend this setup to anyone else because it means one parent never gets weekend time with their LO which is crazy to me! Works for us as the home who never has weekends likes to have weekends away and get involved in activities with friends which they couldn't do if LO was there. There are times when the home which has the weekends also has more time midweek, either at LO or the other parent's request....

Each parent has the opportunity to have LO for at least 2 holidays a year and Christmas morning is alternated.

There are so many ways of doing 50/50 and it's about working out what works best for your individual situation, I guess

Thank you all this has been really useful. We live within 2-3 mins drive (about 10 mins walk) of DSS's mum so forgetting things and collecting them if necessary is not an issue, though as has been mentioned above, we have pretty much all the day to day stuff he needs.
I'm really hoping he adapts well, at the moment we are all getting along well (mum, DP, me and mum's partner) though we're not exactly at the stage of getting together for a drink or anything, but DP and mum communicate well.
Aghhh I wish I had a crystal ball.

hulahoopqueen forgetting things which can't be duplicated matters more the older they get - homework being the most obvious example which caused endless stress for DD's friend I mentioned above. She'd have left the actual homework or something she needed to do the homework at the other house, with no easy public transport between the homes and the parents unwilling to have any contact beyond the essential. The amount of stress it caused might seem silly but it really impacted her. At pre teen and teen age it's also harder for parents to have duplicates of favourate clothing, expensive sports kit etc. A special present bought with much thought for a friend's birthday and left at the other house in the day of the party can seem like a tragedy and isn't replacable from an organised parent's generic "Friends present Box" bought in the 2 for 1 toy sale the way it is for little children. At 5 though it's easier to have duplicates and there's no homework aside from reading etc. It bodes well Long Term that you live close enough to fetch things!

We have nearly 50/50. 2 sleeps one week (wed, thurs), 4 sleeps ( wed- Sat) the next. It works ok.

When primary age, I think that children find week on and week off more difficult. Whereas having set week day contsct for 2 days and then changing alternating weekend seems to be preferable for many.

Thank you @Motherlandismylife, and the others who have mentioned 2 2 5 5. That sounds as though it might well be an option. Currently DSS’s nursery shifts are booked around his parents’ work availability for collections (mostly mum‘s as her shifts are planned weekly) however once he’s at school that might be a better option - and that way neither parent is going without seeing him for a week, which is not ideal anyway 🤔 lots to think about.
In case any of this comes across the wrong way, I would like to say that I don’t in any way see myself as someone who can make these kinds of decisions for my DSS, I just want him to see both his parents frequently and that a good schedule is set in place which he can feel comfortable in.

OP shorter stays are not necessarily the answer for every child. Imagine you were moving house every couple days - would that suit you? There is no one-size-fits-all really and what works for one child and family might not work for another.

My eldest SC is 50/50. It has been various arrangements. It used to be 3/4 days each, alternating who gets the 4 each week. But this year it’s just changed. He now does 1 day with us and one with mum and DP picks him up and returns him if his mums day falls on a day he has his sport club.

Seems to be working ok so far. He’s pretty chilled though and has done 50/50 in different forms for a long time.

He has his own room here (well sharing with one of my DC) and he has all his own stuff and we have half the uniform etc. So he doesn’t have to bring anything other than himself and the things he already has with him (school bag etc)

We've done 50-50 for years now. Mon-Tues with one parent and Weds-Thurs with the other, then alternating Fri-Sat-Sun each week. Handovers are at school, so if it was your weekend you drop off on Monday morning and the other picks up. DC attends activities after school with each parent too, so it's always consistent. We also use the end of the school day as a standard pick up/drop off if a child was sick and off school on handover day or there was an inset day or something.

Any weekend activities are respected, so if there's a cub camp and they go to cubs on Mum's day, but it's Dad's weekend, they go to cub camp and dad drops off/picks up. We usually swap weekends for family events/parties but if it's not possible then DC goes to the event with Mum/Dad and goes back to their other parent after the event. Sports is also the same and if we can't swap then they attend the event with the parent they attend the sport with. If there was a clash, and DC would enjoy both things, whoever's weekend it is supposed to be decides which they go to.

We also exchange a basic email that covers a few details about their time with the other parent, just a few things about stuff like trying new foods, any issues at school (Serious issues are raised the same day) if they've watched a film they loved or haven't been feeling very well, if they've been sleeping badly, or went up a level at swimming etc. We use a template each week, it helps everyone stay up to date with this evolving little persons life.

Christmas is fully alternated, one year Christmas Eve/Day with one parent and Boxing Day with the other. This was SO tough the first time we did it but it's better for DC, because then they get to be fully immersed with that extended family, traditions, cousins etc and they don't miss out on anything. We found that when they were little whoever had the afternoon portion of the day had a tired, overwhelmed child who didn't know what to do with themselves and didn't want to leave one set of cousins to go to the other set of cousins so even though both of us got to spend time with DC on Christmas Day, It wasn't an amazing experience for anyone involved, and it sort of felt like we were putting our own desire to be with them on Christmas Day above their experience. Also, although things are reasonable, communication about DC is open, I prefer not seeing the ex on Christmas Day, we're all settled with new partners and it's just nice to get that whole day, uninterrupted. The rest of the holidays are also split 50%, by nights, if there's an odd number of nights then whoever wasn't with them on Christmas gets the extra night.

The rest of the holidays are split down the middle, normal pattern in half terms and a week each at easter, and the summer is done in 2-1-1-2 weeks, not days, so each has an opportunity to take DC away on holiday for a longer period of time if we want too, they just inform the other where they're going but don't have to try plan dates and ask for time from the other parent. Generally, the same parent has the first two and the same parent has the last two, but we check before we book!

DC has a bedroom in each home, own toys/games/books and we each have a full wardrobe of shoes and clothes, uniform etc, so nothing has to be brought or exchanged between each home. We also tend to do separate types of toy when possible, so for example Dad buys LOL dolls and Mum buys Hatchimals, this is very much enjoyed by the child because they get to have it all If anything is ever forgotten we just exchange before school. Parents evenings are attended together, so there's no confusion about what was said, or how anyone feels about it.

DC considers both homes to be 'home' and doesn't ever show a preference to either, the only upset we ever get it sometimes before school on handover day because they sometimes express sadness that they won't see mum/dad but are excited to see dad/mum, but that is part of life with separated parents really, and whenever asked they always say they'd never choose to see mum/dad less in order to stay with dad/mum more. We're quite structured in how we do things generally but will swap when asked and it's possible.

It's great because there was once a time of extremely high conflict, no communication and now there's a set precedent, and we all know the score in most situations, everyone generally knows where we stand, we have kind of unwritten rules that mean everyone knows how we do things and it means there's now very little to have any conflict about, because we can consult the 'rules'. We do actually have a court order, but it's much more vague than what is set out here, outside of the routine at the top, the rest is what we worked out ourselves after we each attended the separated parents information course, and over time.

We're also very aware that a time will come when we won't have so much structure, but we're both prepared to follow the lead of our child and let them decide what we do (Within reason obviously!)

I know this is a lot of information written down, but hopefully it helps someone out, navigating a split and contact after that is difficult, and I found other people's experienced helped us a lot!

I am deeply, deeply sceptical of many 50/50 arrangements. I think it is not the best for the children.

Be very careful OP as this basically puts you in a position of Mum, when it’s not really that easy or appropriate for you to be Mum, as the kids already have one. There is no evidence it is better for the kids either, or better for their relationship with either parent.

My experience was with my step children, with two every weekend for a long weekend so 3 days with us, 4 with mum but all of the time with their Mum at school. Also, one child with us all of the time and spent an hour after school at her Mum’s house.

From my perspective it meant that the children, who are now all grown up, weren’t really parented. It was a very ‘loose’ parenting. Many things got missed, kids forgetting stuff between houses, lots of unnecessary communication too between their parents as a way of continuing their relationship really. It was done as their Dad wanted to feel like a ‘proper Dad’ and their Mum didn’t really mind. Their Dad spent most of his time still at work or socializing so the kids looked after each other or I looked after them. Their Mum started to have a completely independent life from her children and didn’t know what was going on, treated them as friends rather than kids. And in the end all the children chose one house to stay in all the time as they were sick of it!

We have my DSCs, 17 and 15, 50% of the time which works well for them, DH and their mum, less so for me as I pay 90% of the large mortgage (my house) that we have to accommodate this arrangement. How does 50/50 work when costs are tight and accommodation expensive, especially in London? It effectively means that both parents have to provide a room and all belongings for DCs in each house plus it's super disruptive, endless comings and goings and communications between the exes.

Not me but a family member has a Friday Teatime - Friday Morning arrangement with a 3 year old and 5 year old, they have the Tuesday overnight with the other parent.

Works well for them, the kids love it and they're two of the happiest children I know.

When the SC's were at primary school we did a midweek split and alternate weekends, so it was 7/14 overall. Both parents lived within walking distance so any items in the wrong place could be easily retrieved.
By high school Mum moved, not far, but no longer 5 minutes away. Kids asked to change to every other week at each house. Swapping on a Sunday evening.
This worked pretty well for everyone.
We've never done alternate Christmas's though. For various reasons, what worked for us was SC's with their Mum on Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day, to ours in the evening and with us for Boxing Day.