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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man who’s recently left family home , is this worth it?

110 replies

Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 14:51

We’re both late twenties, he has one DC 2 years old, wants more DC and I have none but want them. He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen. We have been just dating and are getting serious now, were having talks about me meeting DC.
However, he’s still adjusting to being separated from family home (It’s been 8 months since he left) The split with ex girlfriend was mutual and they have been co-parenting, he sees DC a few times a week. He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me. He reassures me, treats me great but I’m finding this hard to deal with - am I being dramatic? His ex girlfriend is taking DC on holiday for a week, he told me how he’s going to miss DC, he said it’s really hard because he’d normally be there when they were a family, it’s just going to take time to get used to.

He says he feels guilt for DC for leaving. I told him that he can talk to me about anything and it’s normal how he’s feeling. However, I can’t help but feel selfish and feel a little upset / frustrated when he says those things. Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit? He says the next relationship he has, has to be the right one and he wants to have another family again, hopes it would be with me. I also hope we could too as he’s a fantastic Dad, he’s so doting to me and his DC. However, I am also considering is this all worth it now because I don’t know if he’ll ever get over the guilt of leaving?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 14:54

It’s early days but if he’s got stuff to work through he should be doing it with a long-standing friend or a paid professional, not using his very new girlfriend to offload on.

He’s not ready for a new relationship never mind planning more babies?!

I’d walk away.

Suzi888 · 07/09/2020 15:00

How long have you been with him for? The split is all very new to both him and his child, you should be coming second... it’s also too soon to be having discussions about children and the future imo.

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 15:00

It's very early days, and of course he is going to miss his children. You wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't, surely?!
He is likely always going to miss them and feel guilt for leaving them. It doesn't mean he can't learn to feel part of a new family as well. If he is a good father then he is always going to want his DCs in his life.
If you are going to struggle with sharing him with his existing DCs then this is going to be too hard for you, OP.

Find a man who doesn't already have children.

DPotter · 07/09/2020 15:07

Doly
Please be careful - he's in 're-bound' territory.

I know I'll sound old and boring but it's way to soon for him to be talking about settling down with you and starting another family.
He has some emotional work to do and you're currently in the middle of it and will feel the full force of any fall out.
My advice for what it's worth - cool it. Stop the talk about raising another family with you.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 15:08

We’re dating six months now, we met two months after he left ex girlfriend, however he claims the relationship was dead for two years, no love, just arguments. I had also just got out of a long term relationship. We were enjoying dating and didn’t realise we would like each other this much. He said hadn’t planned on moving on this quick but we get along really well. His actions speak louder than his words but I’m also being cautious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 15:16

We have talked about the rebound thing, he of course reassures me it’s not. He keeps saying he wouldn’t do all that he’s done if it was just fun or company he needed. At first I thought he was a rebound for me as I was recently split but now it feels different.
I definitely agree that the future family talk should stop now. I get incredibly broody around him as he’s such a loving Dad and a caring person but we both have said it needs to be right.

OP posts:
MellowBird85 · 07/09/2020 15:20

When I met my now DH, he’d moved out of the family home literally a fortnight before (but they’d regarded themselves as separated a few months before this) plus he had 3 DC and was going through an ugly divorce! Not gonna lie, it was rough, especially those first 2 years, and there were times I thought we wouldn’t last but everything’s fine now and we’re really happy. We’ve been together 7 years, married 4 with one DC so it can be done!

A lot of the comments you put in your post resonated with me as that’s exactly how I felt in the early days of our relationship. A feeling that you’re shut out from part of his world and standing on the sidelines.

What I will say is try not to think you’re in competition with his DC for his love / affection. Romantic love and love for a child are two completely different things. Just share and don’t let resentment build up. Decide what your boundaries are and make them clear to him.

He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me.

No that’s not what he means. Missing his son is separate from being happy with you. They’re not related. My DH cried the first Halloween when he saw kids on the street trick or treating! I thought he was being ridiculous and was frankly irritated with him for not just enjoying all our lovely free time to date and have fun but looking back I can see why he was upset.

Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit?

Yes he will. It’s all very raw and unusual now but he will get used to it eventually and it’ll become the norm. Give it time and take things slowly, don’t rush in to having kids. Every relationship’s a gamble, we just have to hope it’s the right one!

DPotter · 07/09/2020 15:24

Unless you're adjusting the timelines to throw possible family & friends off the track, the timings are not in his favour are they?
DC aged 2, and he left his ex 8 months ago, so DC was say 16 months old when he left. Yet the relationship was dead for 2 years before he left ? So the relationship broke down before the DC was born?

My statement still stands - he has emotional work to do. And you're at Ground Zero. Slow it down.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 15:35

DP
Yeah he claims relationship was dead before DC was born apparently. Ex girlfriend fell pregnant, they didn’t believe in abortion and he stayed for DC but he just got unhappier.

Mellow
Everything you’re saying is very relatable, he says a lot of what you have just written. For example he says the romantic love he would have for me would be different to the love for DC, he loves DC but they can’t give him everything he wants / needs. He keeps saying I would never be number two but I know that I will be if we ever got serious. I definitely agree to take it slow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 15:36

DP
I definitely agree he has emotions to deal with. Should I bring it up to him? Give him time/space?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 17:41

Shame they carried on shagging after their relationship died.

HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2020 18:00

I think you need to be cautious and take some of what he says with a pinch of salt. ‘Relationship was dead for years’, ‘stayed for DC’ are the sort of cliches people often come out with to justify behaviour they know doesn’t paint them in a good light.

He’s landed on his feet, hasn’t he? Sex with a new woman who’s also willing to be his emotional caretaker, so soon after splitting with the mother of his child.

Watch and wait. Don’t make yourself his counsellor. And don’t build too many castles in the air, just yet.

movingonup20 · 07/09/2020 18:21

Of course he misses dc, I miss mine, but that makes him a good dad, be wary of the man who walks away!

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2020 18:24

You can’t really think you should be enough for him instead of his kids?

Not really?

DPotter · 07/09/2020 18:25

His emotions are his concern. Hedda puts it very well - you do not want to be his counsellor.

You need to slow it down for your own emotion protection.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2020 18:58

My honest answer is no it isn't worth it, but only you know how good the relationship is, I stayed in similar circumstances and am still happy. I just wouldn't recommend it if you're not yet that attached and could get out pain free.

There's an bit of a conflict of interest between being unsure if it's worth it, and those saying take it slow, that I think you should be cautious of. You don't want to waste years taking it slow with him when deep down you know you were never happy with the situation. My partner was very much how you describe in the early days and less so now, but he does still miss his son and that does fairly regularly cast a downer of things. That is unlikely to ever fully go away.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:05

ASofa
Thanks for sharing your experience. The relationship atm is very good, it’s all new to me dating someone with a child. I suppose it’s harder because the split is still fresh. Did you two go on to have your own kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:12

Bluntness
I definitely don’t think I am enough for him instead of his child.
I love the fact he’s an amazing Dad and hearing him speak to his child on the phone melts my heart. That’s what’s so hard for me because I love he’s a good Dad but then I worry he misses his family unit. He keeps reassuring me but I know deep down he must be struggling. I’m emotionally involved now so it’s hard to just end it and I see a lot of potential in him

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:15

Hedda
Thanks for that. How would you suggest I don’t become his counseller? I’ve already said he can talk to me Confused Shall I say I’d rather not hear it? Something along those lines ?

OP posts:
Bollss · 07/09/2020 19:16

It's not worth it. Believe me. Walk away now. Find someone without kids.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:19

TrustTheGene
Why do you think that? Can you share your experience with me?

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/09/2020 19:25

“ He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen”

IMO a ‘fantastic’ dad with a reasonable co parenting with his ex would do things like the following:

Parent his DC overnight very regularly eg, 2 nights or more per week.
Pay decent maintenance.
Have housing suitable for the DC, for which he is paying. (Or if in financial difficulty due to the breakup be saving towards this).
Organising his paid work, life etc around his DC.
Knows what’s going on with the DC: medical stuff, childcare, clothing, development etc

IME lots of women with no DC think men they’re dating are good fathers because they talk about their DC a lot and express love. But essentially live as though they had no DC.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:25

Also, he keeps asking me If I’m ready to accept him as a single Dad. He’s put no pressure on me, he’s been pretty level headed. It’s the occasional times he gets upset that has bothered me. He says it’s the reality of it all but he’ll be okay in time.
I’m not so sure though

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2020 19:27

Yeah, you’ve already invited it 😀

I would just not let it take over the whole of your time together, so a bit of sympathy but don’t dwell on it for too long. Plus expect reciprocal sympathy when you’ve had a bad day. He doesn’t have a monopoly in emotional needs.

Bollss · 07/09/2020 19:27

Because you will always come second. And whilst that's understandable, and realistically, right, it's shit.

If you're already getting annoyed with it (totally natural and reasonable!) Then walk away. Find someone who WILL put you first.

Basically when you date a man with kids, your life isn't your own any more. Your life is dictated by the child, or the ex or both.

I am a step parent and if I knew then what I know now I would have ran a mile.