I cant take much more of this

[aec83x]

My adult stepson moved in with us when he was 16 after a row with his mum and step dad. He doesnt work and sits about playing xbox. My partner is unemployed as he suffers from seizures triggered by stress. My stepson wouldnt get off the xbox and do the washing up one day, had a row with my partner, who then had a seizure on the stairs and my step son just did not care and stepped over him. I do have a good relationship with him, I love him but his behaviour is completely unaccaptable at times and I told him he was the most selfish individual I had ever met. He moved out and didnt speak to us for a year.

He moved back in at 18. We said he had to better himself if he was moving in so we helped him financially with driving lessons, a PT qualification etc. He then got into drugs, has a gf but has been sleeping with men. He is quite boyish looking so he has even been using pictures of my partner on gay dating sites and using this profile when people arent interested in him. I find the whole thing humiliating and a kick in the teeth. There are drug bags all over his room, he doesn't clean up after himself, he had sex with a boy on our road who then wanted revenge so sent the pics of my partner on the gay site to us. My house just feels disgusting and my partner is ill all the time at the moment, to the point I feel like his carer. We don't do anything fun. We don't go out. He is in bed most of the time.

All the pressure is on me financially, emotionally etc. We just had another row today and he was shouting at us about not wanting to do work for his PT course because he wanted to play xbox. My partner started fitting again and he kept on shouting so I lost my rag and said the stress of him being gay was the real reason everyone was losing it. It came out wrong - I didnt mean him being gay I meant the drama with the boy down the road, him using my partners pictures etc.

He left and wont talk to us now. My partner blames me.

My relationship with my partner feels so weak. He sees his son as a scared kid where as I see him as someone who is being selfish and doing what he wants with no concept of the impact his actions have on other people. I feel so guilty because I am a little bit glad he has gone, as much as I do love him. I have a demanding job, I am my partners carer and I don't have time for drama or cleaning up after someone who is capable of doing it themselves etc. Does that make me a complete b*tch?

@RedRumTheHorse no we are both OK with him being gay/bi but we wanted to have a conversation with him calmly about it, mainly in terms of sexual health but he found out we knew before we said anything so it became this big thing hanging in the air. You're right though, that part is almost irrelevant.

He isn't dealing, they are all empty drug bags! lol. Still not nice having them lying around his room, the bathroom etc.

I do want to apologise to him but we havent spoken and at the moment, I dont even feel OK with him coming to the house to get him stuff.

Yes he has always played his parents off against each other. He is very manipulative like that and the reason DH is so upset is because he knows his son will now blank him to punish us...

OP regardless of whether the bags are full or not with the way he left his dad as drug user he can't live in your house.

It's a shame your partner and the SS's mother can't tolerate each other as if they talked to one another - even with someone mediating - they would have been able to nip his behaviour in the bud or at least minimise his ability to cause disruption.

@RedRumTheHorse it used to be ok with his mum but she used to go more through me than DH but when SS got into smoking weed through his GCSEs the school flagged it up to us and she just said the school and we were lying. We had a big falling out and she was on speakerphone telling DH she was going to make up lies about him being a 'nonce' if he made up lies about SS doing drugs! I had never really seen that side of her before. We just avoided all contact with her after that and where he is 18 he makes his own decisions where he goes and when.

I did think we should probably call her and let her know all this but I am scared of more drama!

You say not knowing where he is is a major worry but it sounds like you wouldn’t know much more if he was still living with you. There is nothing more you can do at this stage OP.

That all sounds so hard. I definitely agree you can't have him in the house but I do feel sorry for him - he sounds very troubled. I also think what you said to him was absolutely awful and you need to apologise for that but not for anything else because it sounds like you've done all you can.

@MeridianB I never thought of it like that. You're right, he has this whole secret seedy other world to the one where we have a loving family home.

@ShinyGreenElephant dont worry I will. Its catch 22 though, I cant message him in case his gf reads it. He will come back to get his stuff soon I guess

If I was you I’d book your self in a hotel for a couple of days for a break.

This is all too much.

Be glad your dss has gone.

Why is your dh ill all the time?

I’d it his seizures? Can he go back to the GP to review his medication?

Honestly - I would not be bringing a baby in to this household. Your already your dh carer , there is a good chance his twat of a ds may come back and your going to have a new baby. Your going to end up ill yourself.

It’s not down to you to fix everything. You deserve a happy life too. If you want to keep this baby I’d be looking at moving out and starting fresh because being in that house is like having a large rain cloud over you.

I cannot believe he stepped over his father whilst he was fitting. I’d never let him back in.

Oh I’d id contact his girlfriend in case he gives her something that will ruin her life.

What would you do?

I would find a way to tell her with evidence (anonymously if necessary) ...because I'd feel awful if she contracted an STD or something more serious like HIV.

Some stds affect female fertility as well.

I have a DD the age of your SS and perhaps that's why I feel as I do. I think it's utterly selfish to put anyone else at risk like this...especially if you allegedly care about them.

Using your DPs photo on the gay sites is really bad too.

Are you actually going to get to enjoy your baby in the midst of all this? I like an easy life and yours just seems filled with stress upon stress.

I'd be very worried about a child coming into this environment.

Your OH should really understand how hard this is for you.

kick him out, especially for the drugs. there's no coming back from how he's making your life a misery

I think it's utterly bizarre that he's not helping at home, on drugs, cheating on his girlfriend and not doing his course and yet it's his being gay that you chose to focus on. Particularly when he hasn't discussed it with you and you've found out from the neighbour. You had ample reasons for why it's not working out and yet you chose the one reason he's been keeping secret. That's what I find bizarre about the whole thing.

@aec83x as much as you don't want to cause drama his girlfriend needs to know. I would tell her, tell his mum whats happened and then take a huge step back, maybe go to a hotel as a pp suggested if you can afford to. This is far too much for you to deal with and its not fair on you or your baby. Hope things get better

If the shoe was on the other foot would your DH put up with all this drama from ypur DC, working, all household chores and caring? (obviously he can't get pregnant but you have that physical and mental strain as well)

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think it's utterly bizarre that he's not helping at home, on drugs, cheating on his girlfriend and not doing his course and yet it's his being gay that you chose to focus on. Particularly when he hasn't discussed it with you and you've found out from the neighbour. You had ample reasons for why it's not working out and yet you chose the one reason he's been keeping secret. That's what I find bizarre about the whole thing.

I think it’s the point that the lad he shagged in her street is sending them pictures of him, the fact he is using his fathers photo on a gay site and also the fact he has a girlfriend he is sleeping with that has no idea.

Yeah I’d be pretty pissed of with all that too.

DH has a doctors appointment on Thursday as his seizures have worsened dramatically. So hopefully that will resolve in time but at the moment I can not leave him. Also, I don't want to. Yes we are arguing but we have different perspectives on SS and I think that is because I can cut off from him easier as he isnt mine and I havent had him in my life for 18 years. We both agree he cannot be here, which is the main thing.

I will have to let his gf know at some point or let her dad know as I would want to know if it was my daughter. I just havent thought through how yet.

And @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov, I didnt focus on the 'gay' thing I just didnt communicate effectively at all. I meant his behaviour of going out, getting on drugs, and putting up ads advertising himself as a gay prostitute.

But you're all right, before that he was sitting round playing xbox, not helping out, not cleaning up and I never should have let him back after he stepped over his dad. At that point though, he couldnt live with his mum as she had no room but luckily one of her other sons has moved out too so SS can move back in. Its easy to say kick a kid out but at that point we just couldnt and he was younger then too.

Agree that the girlfriend needs to know he's sleeping around, he could ruin her life forever if she gets something serious like HIV or something that affects her fertility

Agreed his behaviour is appalling but it's not his behaviour she called him out on. She said him being gay is the problem. Not shagging around, cheating or (also bizarre) using his fathers photo. If my son hadn't felt comfortable coming out and my partner shouted him being gay is the problem I think all high ground would be lost. It's obviously a massive problem for him if he's keeping up a girlfriend, hiding his dating profile and hasn't told his dad that he's gay.

@Reubenshat nicely put - that is why I am pissed off!

I'm not saying you were wrong for being pissed off. I'd be monumentally pissed off too. You said you told him the reason for all the stress is because he's gay. That's why he stormed off. Doesn't matter what you meant that's what you said.

Also you never mentioned he was advertising as a gay prostitute. That's also alarming that he's doing that and living with you and neither of you sat down and spoke about the incredible danger he's putting himself in.

I think although your have a tense relationship with your SS I would still apologise for what you said to him - that's not a good way to challenge him on his behaviour.
It sounds like there are a lot of issues! I do get why your DP wants to still support his ds though. 19 is very young, many young people are just finishing their A levels then. I hope that he gets some support - he's doing classic acting out. I feel bad for your DH too as he's just trying to do the best for his ds.
Stressful though, you should try to step back for the sake of your baby & you.

I actually think that if your SS is advertising himself as a prostitute I would be worried sick. I'm not at all surprised that his DD is worried. I'm getting stressed about him & I don't have anything to do with it!
Isn't there anyone else that can help by speaking to him or helping him out with his housing?
19 is just a boy. He needs serious guidance.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov you are right, I have no high ground and I accept that. I think I actually phrased it as 'all this gay stuff' meaning the boy down the road etc. but it was mid row and just came out all wrong. Of course I will apologise to him but if I'm honest I'm not too fussed if he accepts it or not.

@Strangeways19 is right. Everyone is saying he is an adult so you can kick him out and he is but hes still so young. It is also classic acting out, I just dont understand why.

The ideal outcome will be if he can move in with his mum and we can continue to support him without him living here but I cant see that happening as he will just strop and sulk and not talk to his dad now.

@Strangeways19 he has his mum but she's not great with him and not the best example for guidance. There isnt really anyone else in his life with structure who could help him and that is sad in itself.

Also you cant guide someone who doesnt want it! He has had so many opportunities with us to better himself but he does this instead. I dont get it.

Tbh I don't know how you've lived like this for all this time. My patience would have worn thin. How callous to step over his dad like that.

Many people wouldn't put up with what you have... not in a million years.