I cant take much more of this

[aec83x]

My adult stepson moved in with us when he was 16 after a row with his mum and step dad. He doesnt work and sits about playing xbox. My partner is unemployed as he suffers from seizures triggered by stress. My stepson wouldnt get off the xbox and do the washing up one day, had a row with my partner, who then had a seizure on the stairs and my step son just did not care and stepped over him. I do have a good relationship with him, I love him but his behaviour is completely unaccaptable at times and I told him he was the most selfish individual I had ever met. He moved out and didnt speak to us for a year.

He moved back in at 18. We said he had to better himself if he was moving in so we helped him financially with driving lessons, a PT qualification etc. He then got into drugs, has a gf but has been sleeping with men. He is quite boyish looking so he has even been using pictures of my partner on gay dating sites and using this profile when people arent interested in him. I find the whole thing humiliating and a kick in the teeth. There are drug bags all over his room, he doesn't clean up after himself, he had sex with a boy on our road who then wanted revenge so sent the pics of my partner on the gay site to us. My house just feels disgusting and my partner is ill all the time at the moment, to the point I feel like his carer. We don't do anything fun. We don't go out. He is in bed most of the time.

All the pressure is on me financially, emotionally etc. We just had another row today and he was shouting at us about not wanting to do work for his PT course because he wanted to play xbox. My partner started fitting again and he kept on shouting so I lost my rag and said the stress of him being gay was the real reason everyone was losing it. It came out wrong - I didnt mean him being gay I meant the drama with the boy down the road, him using my partners pictures etc.

He left and wont talk to us now. My partner blames me.

My relationship with my partner feels so weak. He sees his son as a scared kid where as I see him as someone who is being selfish and doing what he wants with no concept of the impact his actions have on other people. I feel so guilty because I am a little bit glad he has gone, as much as I do love him. I have a demanding job, I am my partners carer and I don't have time for drama or cleaning up after someone who is capable of doing it themselves etc. Does that make me a complete b*tch?

@aec83x I think he needs an outside mentor to help him go in a different direction as he's just going down the rabbit hole. Sadly it's not always parents that can do that for our children.
Sad that there's not a more distant relative who could give him some time on either side. I'm sorry you're going through this.
And it's not always clear why teens act out - but your SS is not doing it by halves is he?! Just about everything he can do isn't it?!
I think that if you & DH just still be available to him somehow, leave the door open so to speak, even if he's angry he'll appreciate it. Send a card or message just asking if he's ok in a week or two. I don't know your SS but might help knowing you're still in the background x

What is your plan for managing your pregnancy and a new baby around all this? How will you keep a roof over your heads? Stay sane and safe?
Bluntly, are you absolutely 100% sure that your partner is truly with you for love and not due to caring needs and housing, and that you feel the same way about him?

Because at this point, being a single mum would look to me to be far preferable to managing a pregnancy and new baby, alongside being a sole earner, alongside caring for a man who cannot deal with stress to the point that he is mostly bedbound, and who is literally walked over by his sadly troubled but also very difficult son.

Your midwife will be able to help if you need support, be really honest with her (or him).

What overthe said. Are you married? You’ve written ‘DH’ and ‘partner’. ’theres no drugs in them, they’re empty bags, lol’ not sure what’s funny about that, you could start making better lifestyle choices today, you don’t have to be stuck in this farce.

He left and wont talk to us now. My partner blames me

I think you should leave and not speak to the pair of them again, they both sound unbearable.

Leave and create a happier, stress free life for yourself. Would you really be missing much?

You're not a bitch, you have put up with more than most would.
I'd apologise for the gay comment, possibly by text to get it out of the way and explain that your comments came out wrong due to the heat of the moment.
I'd also put in the message that he can contact you to arrange to collect his belongings, this way he will be under no illusions that hes coming back to live with you.
As for his father, I'd be telling him, ill or not, that you are not having his DS back in the house and if he continues to berate you for the gay comment he can join his DS wherever he ends up living.
As for the girlfriend, that's tricky, shoot the messenger and all that, personally I'd tell her father.
Good luck OP stay strong

Your partner is putting a hell of a lot on your shoulders OP. How will you cope when the baby is born? How will you work if he spends most of his time in bed and you will have two totally reliant on you? Is it depression together with seizures - and do you mean he has bad epilepsy?

He should be tackling this situation re his son with his ex partner like grown ups. Does he not think you may be stressed in the circumstances and need looking after too?

It sounds like a lot of hard work to me. A baby in the mix may mean you will have to put yourself first for a change.

Just an update.

To those who are berating my partner for being the sole earner and saying I should leave him, I think that is quite callous. We are perfectly happy together despite him being quite poorly at times (though mostly when SS is doing what he does). He is self employed so when he is well he does work but this obviously hasn't been consistent and not something we can rely on. His scans came back saying the seizures were not epilepsy but he has not pushed for another diagnosis. Interestingly, the seizures have completely stopped over the last few days since SS has gone. And if you would leave your other halves if they got poorly because they couldn't provide you with a stable income, then your relationships/marriages are obviously not very strong at all.

For those berating him for being angry, just think about how you would feel if your DS or DD was doing drugs, escorting etc. He has since apologised for blaming me, though I do think he had some right to be annoyed. I initiated that conversation and it is very sensitive, SS is obviously struggling with his sexuality and it should have been his dad that brought it up and not mid argument. I have apologised to him for that, he has apologised to me. It is what people do when they have issues in a relationship.

And for those who have been supportive, thank you so much. I have felt alone as it is very different for me than it is for my partner, because he has been in my life 5 years not 18. I think I can see what he has done and cut off a lot easier than his poor dad.

We havent had much communication from SS apart from a few angry texts. We have gone down the lines of we are here for you if you need us but we are dropping your stuff off to you as you have no right to be in our home at the moment, especially with the attitude you have at the moment. Feels harsh but he is off spouting lies to his mum, nan etc so we are just focussing on making our home a calm, nice environment again.

Hold the line and don’t let him back.

Please urge your DP to pursue additional investigations. He owes it to you and your baby to get to the bottom of this and be as healthy as he can be.

Your partner is blaming you... You've said so yourself. He doesn't sound very nice or supportive at all but if you want to carry on taking the blame so he doesn't have to feel bad that's fine but you posted for people's advice and the best advice in this situation in my opinion, is to leave if it's not changing and you 'can't take much more of this'.

What were you expecting people to say?

OP, if he was my child I would have thrown him out, let alone if he was someone else’s.

And I’m sorry but it does sound as if you’re in an abusive relationship. Not because your DH is not earning because of his illness, but because he is A, putting the blame for this on to you, and B, because he expects you to carry the burden of his illness on the basis he doesn’t like to admit it to anyone else. This means that you are left dealing with all of this on your own and without support, at his request.

I would honestly be seriously reconsidering my future with a man like that, and tbh, I would be reconsidering the pregnancy, but that is obviously a personal thing.

There is a young girl here who is oblivious that her boyfriend is a gay prostitute. I think it’s awful you haven’t told her

@Reubenshat

There is a young girl here who is oblivious that her boyfriend is a gay prostitute. I think it’s awful you haven’t told her

I know. What if she catches something?! Poor girl. (Nothing to do with the gay part, I'd say the same for heterosexual prostitution too).

Tbh, I think that the OP is currently stuck in a position where she knows that every action she takes impacts on her relationship with her DP, and that is something which is hard to come to terms with. After all she’s pregnant with his baby, so it’s not as simple as just walking away from it in the name of what she believes is the right thing.

The OP is in a relationship where she has no control, she needs to regain that so she can have the courage to speak to the GF without the fear of what it will do to her relationship. It’s complex.

And if you would leave your other halves if they got poorly because they couldn't provide you with a stable income, then your relationships/marriages are obviously not very strong at all.

No-one suggested you leave your partner due to lacking a stable income. But if you are having a child you have to really consider the environment that you are bringing that child into.

If your DHs has severe mental health issues that keep him bedbound (could be something else, but seizures caused by stress but aren't epileptic sound like they could well be MH), requires you to care for him and keep everything quiet, and also won't stand up to his exceptionally troubled son... Meanwhile you'll be rushing back to work, presumably, to keep paying for their housing and food. What kind of upbringing is that going to be for a new baby?

That's what we're asking you to really consider.

@AlternativePerspective

Tbh, I think that the OP is currently stuck in a position where she knows that every action she takes impacts on her relationship with her DP, and that is something which is hard to come to terms with. After all she’s pregnant with his baby, so it’s not as simple as just walking away from it in the name of what she believes is the right thing.

The OP is in a relationship where she has no control, she needs to regain that so she can have the courage to speak to the GF without the fear of what it will do to her relationship. It’s complex.

Thank you so much. That is exactly where we are at.

I am new to mumsnet and there have been some people who have been so so helpful. I love my SS, his behaviour is appalling and he has left our house. It is hard and it hurts us both.

However, I am just astounded by some of the comments not just on here but other posts too. Some people are so keen to start man bashing - perhaps because of their own issues. I really can't see how my partner is 'abusive', how he is 'using me for caring and housing etc'. Nobody knows the situation when we got together (I had a mortgage, he rented so it made sense for him to move in with me). He wasn't ill and earnt more than me so no he didnt need housing or caring.

Yes he didnt act great when he was devastated about just finding out his son was a male prostitute and put the blame on me but he apologised that night and I cant believe anyone posting here hasnt lashed out verbally in an argument or had that from their partner. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Having actually been in an abusive relationship, I think people throw that word around way too easily and its a bit cringey.

And for the people judging me about speaking to his girlfriend, this situation is ongoing so I haven't just 'not told her' - my initial priority was getting SS out of our house but also making sure he had somewhere safe to go. Myself, partner and baby are priority and she is next. But how far does it go? He has slept with married men... do I start ringing up all their wives? I am trying to eliminate drama from my life not create more so this situation is complex and needs gentle handling. I also dont want SS to go and top himself or something because of my actions so I am treading very carefully as he is clearly very messed up.

I am on here posting about the situation with my SS because it is difficult. Yes he is a prick but cutting him off does not feel nice when he has serious issues.

I didnt ask for an analysis of my relationship, nor to be judged for actions I have not yet had a chance to take.

So many people on here need to think before they write. If it is not helpful, don't write it - not to me but to all users. If I was worried someone was in an abusive relationship, I might ask questions to find out more - is this typical behaviour, how often does it happen etc. I might message them personally to check! I would not write 'well you are in an abusive relationship, leave him' because I just would never know enough information about that.

This is what we teach the kids at school and looks like some adults need it too. Before you write, THINK:

T - is it true?
H - is it helpful?
I - is it inspiring?
N - is it necessary?
K - is it kind?

Thank you so much to all who did post things to make me think about, helpful suggestions and showed genuine concern.

And for those who were concerned about my partners health, we have a drs appointment tomorrow.

It's a shame that you feel so attacked here.

I think that the majority of the posters who you feel were attacking you were actually trying to stand up for you.
What we see is that you're pregnant for the third time, after two miscarriages, with a man who is so ill you can't go out to walk the dog. You're still under all the stress of dealing with SS, which is impacting on your relationship - and there's still a risk of him flouncing back in, as your partner does not seem able to stand up to him. In the meantime, you're paying the mortgage, for their living expenses, for SS's part time course that he won't be taking.

You mention you've been in an abusive relationship before, and you feel that your current one is not, which is great. However things don't have to be abusive to be unhealthy, and it does feel that you are taking on a disproportionate amount of the weight of the extended family, emotionally, practically and financially.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor, at least to have your own vent for frustration and a third party who you can be open with? Or if you talk to your GP, your pregnancy would usually make you a priority for at least some talking therapy support.

@OverTheRubicon its not attacked as such, I just think so many people write sweeping statements without really thinking. I was up all night thinking about a comment on here saying I was so awful for not telling SS's gf and I had to really think deeply about the fact I am not an awful person at all.

Someone on here did say talk to the midwife so I will probably go down that route and I'm guessing talking therapy is something they can guide me towards, though things are so much easier and calmer now SS has gone. I have cancelled his course and all other things we pay for so financially things will be easier too. And my partner has his Dr appointment today so hopefully we can get more of a handle on his seizures too.

I know most people are supportive and it wasn't just my post I was referring to. I feel a lot of guilt all round - for kicking out SS, for his gf, for his sexual partners wives (that I know about), for not being firmer sooner, for letting him back a 2nd time etc etc and now I actually feel worse for coming on here, not better

Gosh op I am absolutely horrified at what you have described. The image of him stepping over his father having a seizure is one I will take a while to shake off.

It is clear you have no problem with him being gay (why would you?) and it was the escorting and using your partner's pic that caused your outburst. I would forget all about that now, it was said in the heat of the moment, nothing more.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You need to work hard to protect a peaceful home throughout your pregnancy. The drugs are the problem here. I know I became a different person when I was involved with them.

As hard or callous as it seems you simply cannot have him living there while he's using. You need to tell him that you will welcome him back but he needs to sort himself out. And send him details of support groups.

I know it feels like you are turning your back on him but he is making his own decisions and not a child. Your husband can still meet him and support him outside of the house.

How is your husband going to cope with a newborn? They're loud, demanding and 24/7? How are you going to support your family? What if your husband changes his mind and lets his son back into the house? You say you both agree he cannot return but it doesn't seem like your husband is firm when dealing with him! Are you certain your husband will be a good partner when it comes to parenting this time around? I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this but I think the previous posters only want to help you see the woods for the trees

Shocking. Unbelievable. And a lecture to boot.

@Isthisnothing thank you. I know you're right - it just feels selfish almost getting on with our lives and turning our back on him.

@EKGEMS I do see your point but he was only 18 himself when he had my SS so no, he wasn't the best dad and he only saw him once a week. I am 100% certain that at 37 he will do a great job regardless of an illness that is beyond his control.

Ah,gotcha. Best of luck and health for you all

@aec83x I’m glad that your house is more peaceful now.

I am not a doctor (or any kind of health professional) but I have a family member who has dissociative seizures as a response to extreme stress. It sounds quite similar to what is happening to your DH. Keep pushing to get treatment for him because his illness sounds very distressing for all of you. The epilepsy society are a good source of Information and help.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG
Kick him out!!! He's 18, not 8!!!!! This isn't a child anymore. Your husband should come first and obviously you're doing a job that isn't yours!
WAKE UP!