Being totally honest. Would you prefer it if your partner didn't have children?

[PickAPi]

I feel this way sometimes but in the sense that I don't really care either way, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and our life and get on well with the kids but if I were to be totally honest and truthful, I would prefer it if it were just DH and I.

I think I believe this because I do like our time when it's just us and it does make you think 'it would be cool if it were like this all the time'. As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life that I would hugely miss if it weren't there I guess, not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't miss it either.

I don't dislike my SC at all, I really do like them and we get on great.

I know I married a man with kids, like I say I really don't care either way, I'd never leave and I'd never, ever be unkind to the children, just musing.

Interesting one OP and I see your point.
I have 4 SC's. None of my own. We care about it each other a lot and I think have a good relationship.

I try to console myself on the hard days (almost always nothing to do with them and all to do with his ex tbf) that they are a huge reason he is the man I love and have made him who he is.

But yeah, being totally honest I do wish he didn't have any and it was just us. I'm sure the kids didn't want their mum and dad to split either and we're all just doing our best with the hand we're dealt.

I feel the exact same as both of you. Especially as his XW is more the issue, and the children having to go back and forth.

Yes, but his ex is the biggest issue tbh.

Yes because of his ex. She wants him back and is making him do everything she wants.

I have a 17 year old DS. I am currently online dating and will not consider dating anyone with children younger than mine. I feel that I’ve done my child raising years and really wouldn’t want to go back to that. Being tied to having children every other weekend (or whenever) doesn’t appeal to me either. I appreciate this may come across as quite selfish but being mid 40’s and having had a rough few years why shouldn’t I be?

@Bigyellowsunshine i dont think its selfish at all. Realistically thats what i was aiming for except at my age (29) it seems like everyone has children and i met my dp and love him so i accept he has a child. Its a hard situation to be in so i dont think anyone should be judged for not seeking out extra hard work for themselves.

I was a stepparent for 10 years, and I felt like this a lot. Mainly due to the adults making it a miserable, thankless slog a lot of the time. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Not the child themselves.

1000% I would prefer it. It's a massive ball ache having your life dictated to you by someone else and whilst I like the children I don't miss them when they aren't around. They just create a tonne of extra work for me tbh. I would never do it again being truthful.

As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life
Op - I think this says how the vast majority of stepparents feel & I know it's how I felt when I was with exdp.
I think there are a lucky few who manage to forge good relationships with their sc & that relationship brings something extra to both parties - but from what I've seen this only happens when the bioparents are civil to each other & behave like mature adults thus allowing relationships to develop.

I'd definitely prefer it. I have 2 DC myself so there's every chance he wouldn't have been interested in dating me if he wasn't already a father so 🤷🏻‍♀️ (but it would be soooo much less hassle!)

See I don't really have the excuse of a difficult ex. My husband and his ex get on fine.

I guess one annoyance is having your life dictated by another person's schedule but tbh I don't really find it so annoying that it makes me dislike anything about our life.

I just don't get much from it that I would actively choose this situation over me and DH being alone, if it were a choice, which it isn't of course I understand.

Sounds awful but I wouldn't miss them or being a SP even though I don't necessarily dislike it either.

I explained it on another thread like to me, being a step parent is just a necessary part of being with DH. I want to be with him so in order to do that I accept his kids. But I don't get any benefit from it personally other than being with DH if that makes sense?

It's a means to an end.

That makes sense @PickAPi

Yep. I could write reams about this! I knew DP had a child and I've always thrown myself 150% into step-parenting but it's often exhausting, financially draining and thankless, in no small part because (IMO) you don't get the emotional payback you have with your own kids, which is the thing that stops you chucking your own out onto the streets when the chips are down.

However, I also acknowledge that quite a lot of the way I feel is recent and down to DSD turning 12 and consequently becoming a hormonal monster. So I'm aware I'm prejudiced right now!

Yes for me also, but not because of DSC because of the exes. The DSC themselves are lovely but the exes are a pain.

If I could have DSC here full time with my DP and I and the exes didn’t exist I wouldn’t mind that at all.

It’s definitely more often than not the adults that are the issue and not the kids!

I feel the same as you OP, I don't think it needs to be a problem.

Oh yes, definitely. When DP and I have had to have deep discussions about our relationship, I've told him that I choose him, and he comes as a package, but that doesn't mean that I want to be a step parent. I accept it as part of the deal. And I do love them, in a way (certainly not unconditionally!). I just prefer it when they are with their own DMs!

Only because of the ex. I adore my step child but oh my ex who claims to have moved on causes so much drama it’s unreal.

You make a good point and yes I guess so, same as you OP everything in our little set up is really great but if there was ever a simple choice then yes I'd prefer it to be just us or oddly maybe just 1 SC not that I have a favourite but 3 can be quite demanding at times so I think if there was only 1 you would be able to really enjoy that person. Having no SC it would make for a lot more couple time and a lot more money! :)

I think you would be hard pushed to find a SP who who prefer the SC to be around (if there was ever a magic wand) I think that's just natural :)

I think it's a natural way to feel too. Sc bring a layer of complication to a relationship that your are only having with their parent iykwim. Obviously when you partner up with someone you 'take on' their family - but all other family members (generally speaking) are independent & don't live with you! And....with sc you also get the added complication of the ex who is basically someone you've zero interest & yet that person often ends up dictating so much if your life. I'm a dm myself so I'm not being anti ex - but this is the thing I found hardest when with exdp; her moods, her actions, everything, ended up impacting me even if indirectly. And yes you try to disengage etc. but it's still there, the fact that your relationship can't relax into itself due to the fact that your partner has kids.
I'm sure exdp felt the same about my kids, but as my kids got older they became very independent & so my life tapered off from revolving around them to me actually having more freedom. Even though exdp's kids were roughly the same age no such thing happened at his end & day to day life was still very much dictated by them.
It's a tough one.

I explained it on another thread like to me, being a step parent is just a necessary part of being with DH. I want to be with him so in order to do that I accept his kids. But I don't get any benefit from it personally other than being with DH if that makes sense?

Total sense.

I get zero joy out of my SC. In fact I find it pretty burdensome. The atmosphere of the house totally changes. My own DC play second fiddle. It’s a nightmare if I’m honest.

If I’m being honest life would be so much easier if my partner did not have a child with his ex. He probs feels same about my children although it was through a club that he helped out with that my daughter attended that I met him so sometimes he jokes when she’s in bad mood she’s a pain but would not be together without her so he says loves her!

My partners ex tries her best to be in control of things which frustrates me. She will either be late or really early or change dates/timings at short notice. She’s said before he needs to accept she has other things on or he won’t get to see his son again and partners family all worry she will carry through with threat so pander to her. When it was recently my partners birthday I arranged a garden party with his dad/grandma and my mum as they hadn’t had opportunity to meet before but we then had to change timings at short notice due to ex saying she then had plans with her family. It meant my mum had to change day plumber coming round to do work so ended up costing her more.

I am currently 26wks pregnant and maybe pregnancy hormones but said things need to change as hard to fit everyone’s needs around a newborn so if she messes us about her issue as I’m completely sick of it.

Through lockdown she stopped partner seeing his son saying as he was key worker in contact with people he was too much of a risk and partner just accepted it thinking he wouldn’t want to put son in bad position but then turned out she had friends round all the time and even went to stay with her brother in a big city.

@alphabetti could he get a court order for contact?

I feel exactly the same but mainly down to the shitty ex who thinks the world revolves around her and she's turned her son into a disrespectful, entitled boy that unfortunately has very poor education because she lets him play on the Xbox 24-7 and miss school because he's tired.

We don't see SS anymore because he hates us because the last time he came to our house We dared to ask him to eat his dinner before asking for sweets (his mum feeds him junk in his bedroom when he wants it) and his mum said We aren't allowed to tell him what to do and she fills him with poison so he won't come anymore or answer his phone or texts and if I'm honest we haven't been happier as a family.
There is no stress, no arguments every other weekend, tears and tantrums cause he can't have his own way.

He is still there in the background and the doors open for if he does want a relationship with his dad but that's all it will be as being a stepmum is thankless and I won't put myself or my children through it anymore.
I've never known a child so mardy at 10years old and who has no discipline or rules at all. We weren't allowed to tell him off or set rules because "he doesn't have any at home, we should let him do what he wants or he won't come" im sorry but no in our house we do have rules, we aren't strict but expect respect and the children to tidy up after themselves and simple tasks like make their bed We wouldn't expect him to do chores as such as he was only their 2 days EOW but things like put your plate in the dishwasher We do expect but apparently even that is too harsh. My children are much happier that we don't see him as we have a very nice routine that doesn't get disturbed. We can go out for a meal without him crying and throwing a paddy because he can't use a knife and fork as his mum only gets him McDonald's and sandwiches. He used to ruin the weekend which was the only weekend we had my children as they were with their dad the other.
I know I'll get backlash off this post because he is a child but I'm sorry I don't like him and his attitude towards me or his dad and after 4 years of trying I honestly think my husband has given up because it's like banging your head on a brick wall.
We're expecting another baby soon and we told SS and still have never received a reply or answer to calls.
We aren't going to force a relationship that's dead.

Ahh I feel better for ranting xx

Yes, but because of his ex. I’ve had to bite my tongue so hard over the years and have definitely been personally impacted by her choices to my detriment rather than DH’s. She’s been an extra, constant aggravation in my life that I really could have done without tbh. DSC, however, is wonderful.