Being totally honest. Would you prefer it if your partner didn't have children?

[PickAPi]

I feel this way sometimes but in the sense that I don't really care either way, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and our life and get on well with the kids but if I were to be totally honest and truthful, I would prefer it if it were just DH and I.

I think I believe this because I do like our time when it's just us and it does make you think 'it would be cool if it were like this all the time'. As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life that I would hugely miss if it weren't there I guess, not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't miss it either.

I don't dislike my SC at all, I really do like them and we get on great.

I know I married a man with kids, like I say I really don't care either way, I'd never leave and I'd never, ever be unkind to the children, just musing.

I’m out the other side of being a SM now, having split up with my Ex. Phew it was pretty rough!

I can bravely say now that I do wish my ExDH didn’t have any children, as I think we would still be together now and I would have found my husband for life. So much of what other SMs are saying rings true. ExWife was a complete pain - fobbing off the children she was finding too difficult onto me (not DH, he worked long hours); DH felt perpetually guilty.

I definitely felt like me, our DS together and my older DS came way down in the pecking order. We really did come way down. I had to fight hard for the smallest things, even putting up my own picture in our home was a big deal. I’d get disapproval from his oldest daughter, who I think saw herself as the woman of the house and her mother’s spokesperson. It was a question of territory I think. It was made really clear to me that because I’d gone to live with DH in their town (ironically to make it easier to him and his daughters) - that I wasn’t welcome as they were there first. His daughters were first. His ex wife was first. When we told his mother that I was pregnant her first words were ‘But what about your older children, haven’t you got enough?’ In front of me!

It took me a long time to find my Ex DH, we should have met before either of us had kids. We are so suited and on our own without his kids, were always really happy. It isn’t easy to find someone to share your life with, who can really make you happy. Let alone someone who is prepared to take you own with kids on both sides, and accept and make a really genuine go of it. I think the whole experience tore us apart.

Especially as ExDH would have to face up to the fact that he allowed himself to be manipulated, and his older daughters were fairly mean to me and DS in the end. He couldn’t face that, or that he wasn’t strong enough to have boundaries and give his new marriage a fair go. It is easier to blame us / me.

But our relationship failed not because of us. It was because of his first family.

@Bananasinpyjamas20 I'm feel so sad for you that your relationship broke down because of this.
This is how manipulative my DH ex is, we haven't had any contact with SS for a year (since his last birthday) it's his birthday next month so I was expecting that he may start replying to texts now (his mother would anyway) and guess what on Thursday we got a text back asking for a new iPhone as he'd broken the screen on the last one we got him, he's 10, hubby asked him why he needed a phone because he doesn't answer it or reply to texts and all we'd like is to know how he is and what he's been doing and a call once a week and we got nothing back. 1hr a later a text came through saying "dad can I have robux" no please, DH text and said will you answer FaceTime I want to talk to you and he answered and you could tell his mum was behind the phone and DH asked him how much robux were (gaming currency) he said "my mum said you've got to give me £20 for some but I told her you wouldn't do that would you?" Straight away were put in a position and will look the bad ones. DH said no but agreed to give him £10 and asked if he wanted to come and see us and he said "I might do cause mum has said if I don't come and see you for 1 night i won't get a phone and I need to just answer and text back until I've got it". We are now back to no replies again or answering and I don't think he should get a phone off us because once again like last year his mother has told him to get in touch because he wants something and I don't agree with that at all and I won't be used. DH is on about getting him one and like I've said you can't buy him, he doesn't want to be a part of our lives and you can't force it. It's unfair on my husband as he always gets his hopes up that he will start coming and he won't, we've asked for 1 phone call a week that's it and She won't encourage contact throughout the year only at birthdays and Christmas.
I fear that if this carries on the way it is then I may be in a similar position to you and we will split cause it's not fair on my family either always stuck in limbo, my children have had to cancel plans next weekend because he has said he will come and I can bet my house on it he won't and won't answer the phone again until he wants something else.

he said "I might do cause mum has said if I don't come and see you for 1 night i won't get a phone and I need to just answer and text back until I've got it".

His mother should be utterly ashamed to be actively teaching him to be do mercenary. That’s atrocious.

I know but she isn't because she's out for what she can get.
I'd never treat my ex and his girlfriend so badly, I don't agree with a lot of the things they've done or do but I keep it to myself and never bad mouth in front of the kids and always encourage a positive relationship

It’s really sad @LRHRN.

My partner’s ex is similarly all about what she can get. It’s a horrible way to be. I’d probably feel sorry for her if she weren’t so horrible and if she didn’t have such an impact on our lives.

I do worry that her attitude is affecting the DSC. We’re starting to see hints of it in the 6 year old’s attitudes and behaviour. Hopefully it will never get like your DSS’s situation.

Hopefully he’ll grow up and realise how awfully he’s been encouraged to treat his dad.

To those who sort of wish their DP didn't have kids, please read my story...

My grandma married a man with 4 teens. Their mum hated him and encouraged the kids to spend very little time with them. My grandma was treated like a complete outsider and her stepkids didn't even invite her to their weddings out of spite. Their mum died young from cancer and then they started spending more time with my grandma and realising she was a fantastic person. My grandma always wanted unity and showed all of them a lot of love, never held anything against them and brought the whole family together. She would never have wished her DH didn't have kids.

And now, she is a widow and her only family are those stepkids (one of them my mum). We love her like a real grandma and all are so lucky to have her in our lives (and she reminds us all the time how lucky she is to have us!)

I also have a stepdad who I love like my own father and would be devastated if he felt like some of you describe, though I get why you might. He is grandad to my kids and much like my grandma, he will always have an extremely important place in our family.

Just hope my story brings a little positivity to those who are finding it tough. I imagine you must have a huge heart and a lot of patience to be a great stepparent 😊

@Turquoise2 that's such a nice outcome to your story but it did take someone's death for things to get to that point (which is sad). I think this just goes to show that so much of the time the ex is actually the main problem which is a point so many on here have touched on. If your bio grandma hadn't passed it is unlikely that your grandma would have been allowed to embrace your mum & her siblings & the outcome for everyone would have been very different.