Being totally honest. Would you prefer it if your partner didn't have children?

[PickAPi]

I feel this way sometimes but in the sense that I don't really care either way, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and our life and get on well with the kids but if I were to be totally honest and truthful, I would prefer it if it were just DH and I.

I think I believe this because I do like our time when it's just us and it does make you think 'it would be cool if it were like this all the time'. As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life that I would hugely miss if it weren't there I guess, not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't miss it either.

I don't dislike my SC at all, I really do like them and we get on great.

I know I married a man with kids, like I say I really don't care either way, I'd never leave and I'd never, ever be unkind to the children, just musing.

I've never experienced the 'second family, second best' stuff personally. The only place I've ever seen it are on threads here. I think there are a lot of people on here who think this way or at least treat posters this way and I can only guess that it's projection on their part. I see it in the form of things like continually referring to a second wife/long term partner as ' the new gf' despite being told numerous times they have been with the dad for X number of years/are married, or posters expecting SC to be treated much more favourably to resident children.

Personally, I have a great relationship with my in laws. DH and his ex were never married. I am not second anything, I am his first wife, his first marriage, I have been with him longer than he was with his ex, the fact they happened to have children together in their short time together doesn't make me second anything tbh and thankfully I've never been treated as such by his parents or his friends.

We all have a past, I have had long term live in partners before DH, we just made different decisions in respect of children at the time. It doesn't mean he is 'second' to them.

I agree it's very prevalent on here though.

I see it in the form of things like continually referring to a second wife/long term partner as ' the new gf' despite being told numerous times they have been with the dad for X number of years/are married

Yes, you see this so much.

I have been called “Dad’s new wife” and my DC referred to as “baby” in a report. Like I’m an object rather than a person. Is it any wonder I’ve ran out of steam with step parenting when on the one hand, I’m asked to provide childcare (“is anyone home I need to do x, y, z and drop SS off” - I presume exW isn’t expecting the family dog to watch and this so when she knows DH is at work) and on the other, I’m spoken about in equivalent terms to a new car. My DS is also my SS’ brother. Not, just an object or an extension of me alone.

I have actually sat in meetings and the Mum and DH been referred to as “Mr and Mrs DH” they have been divorced nearly a decade. One person looked so surprised when taking minutes, she asked my surname and I said “Mrs DH” I thought wtf were you expecting. DH and his exes marriage was over before ExW had even finished mat leave and yet I still find my role isn’t acknowledged, many years on. A cumulation of these experiences has left me completely void of energy, and being invested in a child takes A LOT of energy. More so when they’re not your own DC.

My MIL feels it necessary to chat to me about exW, she often calls me by her name. Which I just find, really, really rude.

Also I see often on this forum that people are told they are not a Step Mum, they aren’t married. Which I just find really small minded. When DH and I got married my relationship with SS didn’t magically manifest overnight.

yes to all that, and on here, the ex is never wrong, and she is never, ever difficult.

Dps ex really is difficult, and that's putting it extremely politely. She has caused us problems from the get go. She's genuinely a horrible person and probably THE most horrible person i know. I have kept the moral high ground for years but this woman has harrassed me. She assualted dp in the street, she had the back window of my car smashed, she threatened me and my at that point very small baby. She has stopped dp seeing dss numerous times. I could go on all day honestly. Every single new years day for the past 7 years weve had an angry phone call about no maintenance and every single year we tell her its on a direct debit and new years day is in fact a bank holiday and to ring them and shout at them instead. But nope, she will never give up.

If i ever mention her on here though i get "thats only what hes told her about you" - Reader, i have seen all this shit with my own eyes unfortunately. Whats funny is he actually told me she was a nice woman and a good mum when we first got together, and she was, until she realised he wasn't going back to her.

Yes, I’m single, have dated a few men with children and decided it’s not what I want. I have done the step parenting thing before and although I love my step kids to bits (now adults) I wouldn’t want to do it again. It seems now most men in their 40’s seem to have young kids whilst mine are now in their teens and I’m still in my 30’s. I want to be with with someone who I can enjoy adult time with, now my kids are older I am kind of enjoying not having the hassle of young kids.

I would rather be single than be in a relationship with someone with children right now.

Every single new years day for the past 7 years weve had an angry phone call about no maintenance and every single year we tell her its on a direct debit and new years day is in fact a bank holiday and to ring them and shout at them instead.

We get this every bank holiday too!!

The question in the op has really made me think. I got on well with dps children and care a lot about them. Dp doesn't expect me to provide childcare for them and we have no problems with his ex. I enjoy the time that they are here.

On the other hand, it's undeniable that if they weren't around we would have more money for ourselves and we would have more freedom. There is also complication when it comes to finances, for example we would like to buy a house together in the near future and we are currently having discussions around inheritance which we would not be having if the kids weren't around. His family have also been a bit odd with me although this has backfired on them but I won't go into that. In

On balance, I love the kids and certainly would not want to wish them out of existence and dp probably would not be the man I love without them.

I love(d) being a stepmum even though it was challenging. Recently single and still have a relationship with my DSS(11). I am now only dating single dads, I wouldn't date anyone without children because I dont want any more of my own.

Yes, I wish he didn't have kids and would become a real father figure in my son's life. And that our common child was his only world. That would be in my ideal world, because I see how much more involved fathers are when they only have one family, but it's ok, I don't resent his children either.

because I see how much more involved fathers are when they only have one family

This is sad. My partner isn't any less involved in our daughter's life because he has another son, why should he be?

It's not the children, it's the ex that makes life incredibly difficult. Ultimately, it's the kids that suffer the most.

I always said I'd never date a man with children and sometimes I wish I had stuck to that. It's hard.

@caiomhe

It's not the children, it's the ex that makes life incredibly difficult. Ultimately, it's the kids that suffer the most.

I always said I'd never date a man with children and sometimes I wish I had stuck to that. It's hard.

I’m not sure it is the ex. The ex can be a total nightmare or really great; the problem is usually your husband and how he deals with his ex and their shared children.

In my case, my DSC are dreadfully behaved. And that is due to their mother’s choices in many ways. But the problem is not really the children (they’re kids; you expect to have to tackle various issues over the years) or DH’s ex (she can and will do what she chooses and that’s nothing to do with me). The problem is that my DH won’t consistently or reliably parent the children while they’re here. And that makes for truly miserable visits of horrible behaviour and me being frustrated that I cannot do anything about it.

Of course, things were better when I married him. But subsequent crap pulled by his ex has caused him to become an ineffective Disney dad. He was always a bit lazy but now he’s lazy and scared to parent.

Yes I would prefer it. His ex is an awful human being who is arrogant, manipulative, jealous, spiteful and entitled and she is raising dss to be exactly the same! The sad thing is that away from her influence for a few days he starts to become a nice, intelligent kid but it all goes back to square one as soon as he goes back to his mum.

Every single new years day for the past 7 years weve had an angry phone call about no maintenance

You need to anticipate it after 7 years of the same nonsense and block her for the day.

I must say though... the one time my SIL seemed just bit funny about my DNs was when she was having infertility issues and that caused some friction with her and DB

From what I've read on this board, that's not uncommon though.

@SandyY2K

Every single new years day for the past 7 years weve had an angry phone call about no maintenance

You need to anticipate it after 7 years of the same nonsense and block her for the day.

Oh we have, she'll ring dp, then me, message us every which way possible, from dss phone, through his Facebook now he has one. She's rang dps parents previously. We just turn our phones on silent and let her drive herself mad now. I can laugh about it now but the first few years it used to stress me out.

This thread is fantastic!! At last there is one where the bitter ex wife/partner can't poke in and offer their 'opinion' !!

For me though , it's been fab. I love my DSC nearly as much as my own.. and wouldn't be without them if I could avoid it... but that is because they are now all grown.. ask me that question 10 years ago and I would have given you a different answer ..

honestly I think Dads children get overlooked and Mums prioritised. I really feel for kids in this situation.

Nah they don’t. If anything it’s expected that a man’s first children should come before everyone else especially any other children in the family, and in a lot of cases that does happen. In any family set up which includes siblings whether they are step or half, if the MAN has children from his first marriage, then those children are the most important people in the family. I feel for the other children if I’m honest.

I have kids and my DP doesn't. I', sure he probably would prefer it to be only me and him 100% of the time, not because he doesn't like them, he thinks the world of both them.

@funinthesun19 My experience has been that the man’s children are prioritised. Or, at least, expected to be.

That’s also usually the message that comes through on MN threads where divorced mothers feel that their children must be top priority at their dad’s at all times.

That’s also usually the message that comes through on MN threads where divorced mothers feel that their children must be top priority at their dad’s at all times.

Yep, that’s usually where it all stems from.
Annoying.

That’s also usually the message that comes through on MN threads where divorced mothers feel that their children must be top priority at their dad’s at all times.

The dad thing is that I don't think any of the kids in either scenario actually feel they are a priority...it's often the adults causing all the mayhem and the kids are stuck between 2/3 or 4 adults, with little power to make decisions for themselves.

It works where the kids are not used as pawns... but that's a whole other thread.

Someone recently told me for her DM refused to let their dad talk to them on the ovine unless he paid...(CS I presume)... but far too many parents have no idea how damaging this is for the DC.

I couldn’t say I would.

Dp’s child is a challenge but through no fault of his own. His mother has been extremely difficult with manipulating time and parental alienation, so our relationship can be on and off as when he comes to stay he can be very withdrawn. As per his words ‘my mum said themadcatparade is a nasty woman’ and my own child is a ‘horrible boy’.

He’s a clever boy though and comes around quickly enough with the trust towards me. The relationship my own son has with him is wonderful, they are like true brothers and it’s lovely to see.

I have seen my partner hurt time and time again over his sons mother and her actions and what she does to her son, and it’s costing us more and more money to fight for fair access with him. But i still can’t say I’d prefer my partner without kids. He is a joy and a wonderful little boy and each trial
Has made us stronger in our relationship. Being a parent pushes my partner to be a better person. Challenges push him to be a better person. I could not be more proud of who I’m with.

In short, Having his child in his life gives us more than it takes away

@LRHRN

My son has a step mum, she’s been with his father for a few years now and they have a baby of their own.

We have an amicable relationship and try and be reasonable with each other via holidays and plans etc. Even a friendly hello at the door during handover times. She was a bit quiet towards me at first and wouldn’t come to the door etc but she seems to have the trust in me now.

I could never, ever act So horrifically the way that my partners ex acts towards her son and my partner, I've never known anything like it in my life.

@wewillmeetagain

Yes I would prefer it. His ex is an awful human being who is arrogant, manipulative, jealous, spiteful and entitled and she is raising dss to be exactly the same! The sad thing is that away from her influence for a few days he starts to become a nice, intelligent kid but it all goes back to square one as soon as he goes back to his mum.

Going back to square one... it is exactly that!!

Frustrating