Being totally honest. Would you prefer it if your partner didn't have children?

[PickAPi]

I feel this way sometimes but in the sense that I don't really care either way, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and our life and get on well with the kids but if I were to be totally honest and truthful, I would prefer it if it were just DH and I.

I think I believe this because I do like our time when it's just us and it does make you think 'it would be cool if it were like this all the time'. As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life that I would hugely miss if it weren't there I guess, not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't miss it either.

I don't dislike my SC at all, I really do like them and we get on great.

I know I married a man with kids, like I say I really don't care either way, I'd never leave and I'd never, ever be unkind to the children, just musing.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels sorry, I should have clarified that in our case, it's definitely the ex. Her demands are ridiculous in the extreme. For example withholding contact for months on end then allowing him to visit, but only on the day of my (scheduled) csection and only if he misses the birth.

Not allowing his child to come on holiday with us, then not allowing FaceTime while we were away as punishment for going, then sending a message at 6:54pm saying we have until 7pm to call. Obviously message wasn't read until 7:02pm called at 7:03pm to be told "he'd missed his chance"

Demanding to attend our wedding and insisting on choosing a bridesmaid dress for his daughter, then demanding he leaves the reception of his own wedding before dinner and speeches to take his dd home (she lives 4hrs away)

Honestly, I have so so many of these anecdotes it's unreal.

For what it's worth, I actually adore MY dds stepmum! She's been an excellent parent to my child for around 13yrs now and I'm really lucky my ex chose so well!

Seeing so much stepmother hate on Mumsnet is frustrating. Sometimes, it really IS the ex. It absolutely is in our case.

@caiomhe good Lord, I can't believe he agreed to leave his own wedding! If she was there why couldn't she go? I hope he didn't miss your csection!

No, he's a great dad and I love being with his kids. Okay all the kids (his and mine) are adults and don't live with us but they make us who we are.

@caiomhe Your DH’s ex seems to be spectacularly malevolent. It must be hard to live with.

But does your DH actually give in to these demands?

withholding contact for months on end then allowing him to visit, but only on the day of my (scheduled) csection and only if he misses the birth.

Why on earth was she given this information about your c section in the first place?

She sounds absolutely off the wall...but you need tactics when dealing with fools like this....and one is giving them the bare minimum of information about your life.

With people like this...I wonder if they were perfectly normal during the relationship and then turned into manipulators afterwards...or whether the red flags were ignored.

These are not mothers acting in the best interests of their children and the long term damage is not even a thought in their minds.

Next time someone shouts down my opinion that blended families don’t work and are shite for the kids involved, i am going to signpost them to this thread.

@Elemenopeeee if you’re going to use the posts on MN as your sole reference, I think you’ll easily be able to prove that relationships generally don’t work. That an overwhelming proportion of marriages end in affairs and probably that high earners represent a much larger proportion of the population than the stats suggest. Given there’s a huge proportion of the boards relating to relationship issues, general wealth and why not throw in some parking issues too?

Or you could take this thread for what it is in that it’s a small insight into the posters thoughts and feelings and not a representation of blended families as a whole. Nor a representation of the posters lives as a whole either.

Today, a billion percent yes. They're both driving me absolutely crackers, and I'm counting down the days til they go back to school (one tomorrow, one Monday)!

if I trip over one more abandoned hoodie, or turn round to find myself being followed one more time, I may scream.

Normally, though, we're all fine. But I'm at my limit today. Fairly sure that I would feel the same if they were mine though...

Life would have been easier, certainly, but life would have been easier without my own DC too. I’m willing to go through any amount of shit for my dc and would never give up, I do the same for my dsc.

Their mother was awful, and made life very difficult, and I ended up having to be their mother as her alcoholism took over, although that had never been the plan. I don’t distinguish between my children that I gave birth to, and those I gained through my relationship. I love them all equally, and all the hardships during their early years were worth it. It helped that I didn’t have children of my own until they were nearly adult, so their needs were never in conflict with the little ones.

Next time someone shouts down my opinion that blended families don’t work and are shite for the kids involved, i am going to signpost them to this thread.

Go ahead! Maybe if you do, people will start being more realistic about how stepparents truly feel.

Oh boohoo. No one cares about how the kids feel though do they? All about the adults and their feelings.

Well I'm not sure what you were expecting on a thread by a step parent about how they feel, asking other step parents how they feel...? Obviously it's about the adults feelings

For what it's worth, my SC are perfectly happy children. But if you want to make them out to be neglected, miserable little souls who's feelings never get taken into account then whatever, go ahead.

Oh boohoo. No one cares about how the kids feel though do they? All about the adults and their feelings

Yes, nobody on Mumsnet has ever considered how the kids feel 😂

StressyDressyHeels has explained it very well.

And nobody said the kids feelings don’t matter.
But at the same time let’s not kid ourselves that every single stepparent is enthusiastic and blissfully happy about stepparenting every second of every day like you seem to think they should be.

I think no one is holding a gun to their head and making them be involved with the child’s parent.

We refused to allow her to the wedding so the next demand was to drive his dd home after ceremony. She also wanted a list of everyone invited, she wanted final say on hair/dress/shoes/etc. We refused on all counts. In the end it became so upsetting that we cancelled our wedding and married quietly in a register office.

His dd is not a small child but not quite old enough for her own phone etc so all contact has been through her mother. Dsd knew when her sibling was going to be born and relayed the info to her mother. Naively, we didn't expect her to try and disrupt that event! No, he didn't miss the birth but it then ended up in court as clearly she intended to use her child as a weapon continually. We fought for 2 years and unfortunately got nowhere. Crossed borders mean different rules and regulations. Where she lives legal aid is free for family court. Where we live it is not. Paid 5k to get continuation after continuation and different sheriff's each time. They are not obligated to read any information on the case presented to them and often choose to adjourn u til original sheriff re-evaluated the case. We never got original sheriff. She could afford to go on forever as she didn't have to pay. We couldn't. Every time we went she would throw another insane lie out, which we had to disprove before proceeding further.

Bottom line, we ran out of money. Couldn't take much more heartbreak.

My husband is devastated and hopes that as soon as his dd is old enough to get back in contact she will. Living without her is so hard.

I'm sure I'll have plenty calling me a liar (again!) because this is Mumsnet but that's the cold hard truth in our case. Sometimes the ex really is that bad.

I think no one is holding a gun to their head and making them be involved with the child’s parent.

Oh believe me, the best thing I ever did was no longer being involved with a man with a child. Life is simpler and healthier and better.

BUT, for other people that’s not the answer.

@Elemenopeeee

Oh boohoo. No one cares about how the kids feel though do they? All about the adults and their feelings.

Why are you on this thread!??

Completely agree with this sentiment, but only because their mother abandoned 2 of the 3 dsc on dh and I....without any warning and it has caused all manner of difficulties in my relationship with dh. They live with us full time and there is no break from them. Dh also classic ‘Disney dad’ and spoils them endlessly, and then complains to me about money! Ss constantly competes with ds for dh’s attention...

It is easier to maintain a good relationship with both sdc and dh if dsc are only in the house eow or anything other than living with us full time.

@Elemenopeeee let me guess! You aren't a stepmother you're the bitter ex who uses their child as a weapon and punishes the child's dad because he left you for someone else??

If you actually read all of the posts most have said nice things about SC, and let's be fair it's a post for step mums not step kids feelings. yeah they piss us off as do our own kids but life would be simpler without DSC because as a SM you have no say and are allowed no involvement in the child's upbringing.
We are a free babysitter who has to open our home to a child who in most cases have been told that DSM is evil and she's not your mum so can't tell you what to do and then has to fade into the background when DM is having a paddy incase you upset her more and contact is stopped and god forbid we dare have a baby with DH because then shit does hit the fan because DSC isn't dads only priority and he's actually moved on.
Some mothers have this incessant need to be number 1 but when the child is older they will realise that their mother is an arsehole and everything's he has said about dad isn't true.
Best advice for anyone dealing with the wanky ex is to only communicate in text and keep every single one so when SC is old enough they will see it was their mum being difficult.

@caiomhe Oh I totally believe that some exes are utterly awful. Your DH seems to have had a child with a truly dreadful human.

Part of the reason that stepparents gets is so bloody hard is that we DO consider the children. In fact, they end up getting far more consideration than they would in a family where the parents are still together. Indeed, my experience is that both their parents seem to expect that the DSC should always be the primary consideration, at the expense of the SM’s children (whoever their father is).

It’s hard (Step)parenting with a Disney-type dad who thinks the world will end if the children from his previous relationship are not continually entertained and given loads of treats, lest they report any level of dissatisfaction to their mother (who will use it as an excuse to try to maximize the possible maintenance payable deny contact entirely).

Part of the frustration of that is that I AM thinking of the children. All of them. It’s not good for the DSC to be used in this way and to have one parents scared of doing basic parenting (while the other can’t be bothered).

But, it would be an equally shit situation for the DSC if I were not in the picture. In fact, it would be worse because I do actually help an enormous amount and I steer DH towards more appropriate ways of treating his children.

For example, I’ve managed to get him to see that all the adults in their life (including him) massively favor DSD and poor DSS is often scapegoated, and to modify his behavior to be fairer. That’s better for BOTH children. I can’t change what happens elsewhere (examples: her mother, for example, recently took her away on holiday without DSS because - and this is what DSD was told - he just ruins everything - DSS got nothing at all; MIL insists on keeping a bedroom for DSD at her house but DSS doesn’t have one and has to sleep in a - much too small - travel cot in a room with an adult, and will not consider having bunk beds because ‘it’s DSD’s room!) but I can try to stand up for DSS and make things fairer in my house.

@Elemenopeeee

Next time someone shouts down my opinion that blended families don’t work and are shite for the kids involved, i am going to signpost them to this thread.

That's a poor reference point for your evidence.

As a pp said... you could use the same justification to say marriage doesn't work and all men are cheats, lazy or abusive...because an awful lot of posts in the relationship thread say just that.

You're hardly going to find so many happy families/relationships on a support forum are you.

Absolutely! But everyone has a past that we have to respect and in the end of the day it's always a choice staying with or leaving them.

Yes.

Yes yes and yes
@aSofaNearYou - you summed it up perfectly